The Unoffical JMD031 Bad Pun Countdown Thread


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The God of Thunder
Rode off to plunder
Upon his favorite filly.
"I'm Thor!" he cried,
To which the horse replied
"Next time use a thaddle, thilly."

Sovereign Court

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To quote Danny Kaye: An unemployed jester is nobody's fool.


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Tammuz: "Hey, what do you call a dead body dressed in tweed plus-fours, a Pringle sweater, a Tam O'Shanter and brogues with little spikes on the sole?"

Tiamat: "A golf corpse!"

Ishtar: "Watch out for the nineteenth hole!"

Tammuz: "Ew"

Tiamat: "Why did the cremated Yale student have to leave Skull and Bones?"

Ishtar: "His membership had ex-pyred! I've got one - what do you call a dramatic production about the Black Death featuring plenty of cleavage?"

Tammuz: "A boob-onic play!"

Marduk: "What are you idiots all doing?"

All: "WE'RE ONLY MAKING PUNS FOR NERGAL!"

Liberty's Edge

And this, ladies and gents, is why we warn people don't look at the gods for too long.


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Pathfinder Adventure, Adventure Path, Lost Omens Subscriber

A friend of mine sold me her old freezer. Turned out it wasn't working.

Not cool.


Pathfinder Adventure, Adventure Path, Lost Omens Subscriber

Ruth and Johnny, side by side, when out one day for an auto ride,
They hit a bump; Ruth hit a tree; and John kept going, ruthlessly.


Did you know that all sound engineers are called Mike?


Pathfinder Adventure, Adventure Path, Lost Omens Subscriber

A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a drink. The proton behind the bar looks the neutron up and down and states, "For you, no charge."

"Are you sure?" asks the neutron.

"Yep, I'm positive."

Liberty's Edge

Two peanuts were walking down the street...one was assaulted.


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Chert the Barbarian and his roguish friend sat across the table from Mordenkainen in the Bella Furyondy restaurant in Greyhawk City.

"I hope you enjoyed your garlic bread", said the archmage. "Now I have something even better for you!"

He gestured to a waiter, who bought over a flat box, opening it to release a delicious odour and reveal a flat disc of dough, covered with tomato sauce and melted cheese. Then, suddenly, it began to speak!

"HORNED SARDINE BARKS DILIGENTLY!"

The jaws of Chert and his companion dropped. "Wha-huh?!"

"PLACARD BABY'S MARBLE APPLE MELTS HAPPINESS STRING YODELS!!"

Chert raised his mighty axe above the dish, shouting "FOUL WITCHERY!", but Mordenkainen simply raised an admonitory eyebrow and shook his head. The small, dark man sitting by the barbarian put a calming hand on his comrade's brawny arm and eased him back onto his seat.

"Mordenkainen, what was that?!", he asked, and the wizard replied:

Spoiler:
"That is the pizza, Gord, that passeth all understanding"

The Exchange

Ba dum tish!


Did you hear about the gassy 5th grader who put a kazoo up his wazoo?

He got in trouble for passing notes in class.


Ever since he had part of his large intestine removed, my Dad likes to say he has a "semi-colon".

(This is actually a true story.)


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A bike can't stand by itself because it's two tired.

If a clock is hungry does it go back four seconds?

If you've seen one shopping center you've seen the mall.

Does a dyslexic poet write inverse?

I would like to make a philosophy pun, but I Kant.

What did the buffalo say when his son left for college?
Bison.

Is an alligator wearing a vest an investigator?

If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer ever teamed up, would they be alloys?


A group of three hooligans decided to copy their favorite masked movie characters in order to hide their identities. They each wore a different mask. Their antics were caught on several surveillance cameras, but due to the masks, they remained unidentified. Eventually, however, their luck ran out and they were caught. When brought before the judge, each man was accompanied by their mask. The first one wore a hockey mask, so the judge asked him "How do you plead, Mr. Voorhees?" This drew a snicker from the crowd. When the second man stepped forward, the judge asked him "What is your plea? And please just speak normally, no need to Scream." This drew a few chuckles. Then the third man was brought forward, along with his mask. The judge didn't recognize the character at first, but the bailiff politely informed him it was the mask worn by the character V from V for Vendetta. The judge smiled widely and asked:

Spoiler:
"What does Guy Fawkes say?" Ring-ding-dinga-ding


(Not mine, to be honest, but I still like it)

Once upon a time (1/t), pretty little Polly Nomial was strolling across a field of vectors when she came to the edge of a singularly large matrix.

Now Polly was convergent and her mother had made it an absolute condition that she must never enter such an array without her brackets on. Polly, however, who had changed her variables that morning and was feeling particularly badly behaved, ignored this condition on the grounds that it was insufficient and made her way in amongst the complex elements.

Rows and columns enveloped her on all sides. Tangents approached her surface. She became tensor and tensor. Quite suddenly, three branches of a hyperbola touched her at a single point. She oscillated violently, lost all sense of directrix and went completely divergent. As she reached a turning point she tripped over a square root which was protruding from the erf and plunged headlong down a steep gradient. When she was differentiated once more she found herself, apparently alone, in a non-euclidean space.

She was being watched, however. That smooth operator, Curly Pi, was lurking inner product. As his eyes devoured her curvilinear coordinates, a singular expression crossed his face. Was she still convergent, he wondered. He decided to integrate improperly at once.

Hearing a vulgar function behind her, Polly turned round and saw Curly Pi approaching with his power series extrapolated. She could see at once, by his degenerate conic and his dissipative terms, that he was bent on no good.

"Eureka" she gasped.

"Ho, ho," he said. "What a symmetric little Polynomial you are. I can see you're bubbling over with secs".

"O Sir," she protested, "keep away from me. I haven't got my brackets on."

"Calm yourself, my dear," said our suave operator, "your fears are purely imaginary "

"i, i," she thought, "perhaps he's homogenous then?".

"What order are you," the brute demanded.

"Seventeen," replied Polly.

Curly leered. "I suppose you've never been operated on yet?" he asked.

"Of course not", Polly cried indignantly. "I'm absolutely convergent."

"Come, come," said Curly. "Let's off to a decimal place I know and I'll take you to the limit."

"Never," gasped Polly.

"Exchlf," he swore, using the vilest oath he knew. His patience was gone. Coshing her over the coefficient with a log until she was powerless, Curly removed her discontinuities. He stared at her significant places and began to smooth her points of inflexion. Poor Polly. All was up. She felt his hand tending to her asymptotic limit. Her convergence would soon be gone forever.

There was no mercy, for Curly was a heavyside operator. He integrated by parts. He integrated by partial fractions. The complex beast even went all the way around and did a contour integration. What an indignity. To be multiply connected on her first integration. Curly went on operating until he was absolutely and completely orthogonal.

When Polly got home that evening, her mother noticed that she had been truncated in several places. But it was too late to differentiate now. As the months went by, Polly increased monotonically. Finally she generated a small but pathological function which left surds all over the place until she was driven to distraction.

The moral of this sad story is this: If you want to keep your expressions convergent, never allow them a single degree of freedom.


YAAR, methinks I be too obtuse ta understand all o' that.


What did the millionaire say when asked to fund a water retention structure?

Frankly, I don't give a dam.


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Got a fancy new car! I couldn’t figure out how to fasten my seat-belt. Then it clicked.


A vulture tried to board a plane with two dead racoons, but the flight attendent said, “Sorry, sir- only one carrion allowed!”


The wizard’s book was useless; she hadn’t run a spell check!


The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.


Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He’s lucky it was a soft drink.


What did the Grand Duchess Anastasia serve her father for dinner? Tsardines.


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If the previous poster was sprayed by a skunk, would she be Scent-illae?


If the boy who never grows up were to throw you a birthday party, would he serve Pan-cakes?


When potty training a future Russian Emperor, would you sing "Tinkle, tinkle, little Tsar"?


What sound does a Dire Rooster make?

Cock-a-doodle-CHOMP!


Would a depressed circus worker's sobs be called Down Clown Frown Sounds?


Would a tiny watch have minute hands?


If a certain type of deodorant were found to be harmful to the environment, would they Ban it?


If Tinkerbell were to take up ceramics as a hobby, would she be a Fairy Potter?


If the actor who portrayed Harry Potter were to open a store selling climbing walls, would he call it Daniel's Rad Cliffs?


If a certain other poster in this thread were to walk around in her unmentionables, could we say she was Scant-illae clad?


If a Paladin loses their powers and wants to Atone, do they cry "Help! I've Fallen and I want to fess up!"?


Friendly hint: When trying to chat up a Wizard at the local tavern, don't open with the line "Have we met? You sure look Familiar."


Also, Rangers don't appreciate it when you refer to their animal companions as "emergency rations".


If really bad storms destroyed most of the citrus crop, would they hold a benefit concert called Lemon-Aid?

Silver Crusade

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Who is Bowser's favorite rock musician?

Answer:
Alice Koopa

Silver Crusade

Why do evil clerics have more car accidents?

Answer:
They can't Turn

Silver Crusade

Why should you keep a level nine cleric of Shelyn around for when you go out on dates?

Answer:
So they can sprinkle you with some Channel No. 5d6 before you head out.


So Arnold Schwarzenegger's taking up gardening, but I hear he's taken it a step too far and started naming the plants. This one's called La Vista Baby.


"I suppose the royalties from 'Smooth Operator' wouldn't last forever, would they?"

"No. Still, her French tent hire business is doing well, which is nice. Look! There's an advertising billboard right over there!"

"Oh yeah. Er... Why is that woman in the rubber thigh boots doing... those things... to that Frenchman with those whips... and those squashes... and that pressure hose... and the corn syrup?"

"Corporate branding. The adverts have to be themed to match the company name,

which is:
Marquees De Sade

"Oh."


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Zookeeper's songbook.

Hold The Lion.
Lion Eyes.
Giraffe, You Lonesome Tonight?
Instant Llama
Camel Together
Willie the Chimp, Chimpin' Ain't Easy, etc.
Gin and Gnus.
In a Sentimental Moose.
Sittin' on a Duck in the Bay
I'm a Seal Man
The Sound of Seal's Ends
Iguana Know What Love Is.

And in the soon-to-be-jailed Zookeeper's songbook:

All in all, you're just another d*ck in the Walrus


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If I wrote I cookbook using a false name, could you say I used a nom-nom-nom de plume?


I accidentally swallowed a whole bottle of food coloring. The doctors at the ER said I'd be fine, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.


Why did the capacitor kiss the diode? He couldn't resistor.


I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.


What did the grape say when it was trod upon? Nothing. It's a grape. Ok, so it did let out a little wine...

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