+3 vicious thundering unholy earmuffs
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+5 seeking flaming burst suppositories. :-)
Banana Sling of Holding: Someone posted a weaponized banana. I guess you could use it as underwear.
Trump of Blasting: Really just a blond guy who yells allot about horrible things.
Tablet of anarchy. Attempts to use it for scrying shows instead presidential debates. Causes heated debates and tavern brawls.
Wand of Won-derp
I'll start the table for you.
1: The target must save fort 20 or turn into a small, cross eyed, female, pegasus.2:Wand fires 1D6 muffins. They do damage as magic missile but subdual only.
Oil of Sensuousness
Elixir of eternal youth. Turns the drinker into an infant. They then age normally. Note that this is a beneficial effect so there is no save. Not a beneficial effect for dragons so a fort save is required.
Rod of Serling
Always produces the most ironic magic result, 3 times a day.
Banana Seat of Riding: Allows the user to "pop wheelies" as well as adds a +3 "I'm so cool" circumstance bonus* to their diplomacy check.
*Adds +4 if the seat is actually colored yellow
Tome of Internet Comments: This book is automatically cursed, the curse being that the reader will be compelled to read it daily. Upon reading even only one page, the reader will burst into tears for 1d4 hours.
Sword of Yawning: When this sword is drawn, every combatant (including the wielder) is compelled to yawn as if they just worked a bone-numbing job from sun up to sun down with no lunch break and their soft bed with fresh sheets is calling to them. This is not a sleep effect, it's just the yawn itself.
NOTE: Will saves are actually a worse condition. A Will save reduces the effect to half, which means that the combatant is compelled to yawn but then stifles it - thus they are angry that they didn't get to yawn and it bothers them so much that they want to try to yawn again, like looking at others yawning so that it can contagiously make them yawn!
Bag of hoarding:Always full of empty potion bottles, empty oil flasks, sticks, stones, out of date handbills, rags, Iron ration tins, ect.
Tome of Useless Information
[Excerpt from page 390]
...and the longest time ever spent in an active volcano is 1 year, 239 days, 4 hours, 7 minutes and counting. Of course the poor man died instantly...
Holy Symbol formerly known as Prince - (grants the wielder a +10 competence bonus on perform [strings] and an androgynous sense of fashion)
Deck of Command: They look like normal trading cards, but the quotes are actually command spells written in the players native tongue. Thus if you read out the supposed chant, "Commit Regicide" any elf within earshot will take a stab at the nearest princess or whatever.
Here's a ridiculous artifact.
The Big Furry Hat of Law.
Cultists claim Aroden died creating this. If you can stand wearing it for a few minutes(it's heavy) you can announce 3 new laws a week. Said laws will appear in all law books throughout the current planet, till rescinded by a hat wearer.
One such law, that if any creature blames their crime on their race, they are a monster and can be vanquished for experience. All Kender were quickly wiped out.
Flame of Ice: This torch is everlit with a flickering flame made of ice. The ice moves, evaporates, and flutters as if it were a flame.
It doesn't give off light. It doesn't do damage any more than an ice cube would (unless, of course, he had his glock on his person), and can only be wielded by a person of low intelligence lest they question its purpose.
Kender Bowl: This item appears to be a simple ceramic bowl, suitable for holding one quart of food.
When a pound of fresh Kender meat is placed into this bowl, it produces a hearty Kender-based stew. It is delicious and flavorful, and one bowlful serves as a full day's rations for up to three medium sized creatures.
Creatures eating the stew are healed of all damage, and are cured of all ongoing diseases, curses, or poison effects. It additionally provides the effect of Bull's Strength, Bear's Endurance, and Eagle's Splendor for 24 hours. Those eating a portion of Kender stew also gain DR: 1/Anarchic for 24 hours, and regenerate 1hp/rnd for the same period.
This item may be used as many times per day as there is Kender meat available. The Kender stew may be poured out into other containers and stored without loosing it's properties for up to one week.
Kender Bowls emit a moderate aura of Conjuration and a strong aura of Good.
These items have become highly prized by military organizations, who will often see to it that all of their forces are served Kender stew before battle, its effects providing a substantial advantage in combat. To this end, most major military powers maintain a stock of Kender for their meat. The Kender are often kept in individual pens (like veal-calves) and have their rear and forepaws removed to facilitate captivity until their flesh is harvested.
+4 cape of dork boy
+4 AC that stacks with everything else. Every NPC will call the wearer Dork Boy.
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Scepter of the Dead: Empowers the wielder with absolute dominion over the dead...which would be really really powerful and awesome if the dead could do anything more than just lie there. It's not like we're talking about the Undead here (dead who are animated as Undead are of course immediately freed from the Scepter's power).
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Cat call:This wooden whistle makes a meowing sound and calls housecats. It's non magical, but most stray cats will hunt mice without any prompting.
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The Ring of DOOM: This simple golden band is inlaid with invisible script that, when exposed to mundane fire, reveals itself to be nothing but a very, very long series of tiny vertical scratches interspersed with thin circles, and nothing else; when donned, it gives the wielder the power to project a small minor image of a strange-looking Human warrior with even stranger weapons running around an endless labyrinth of pulsating metal as he battles hordes of Construct/Aberration/Demon hybrids.
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Trenchcoat of Disguise Like a hat of disguise, but it enables 3 halflings in a trenchcoat to pass as a longshanks. Invented by Gnomes, it can be used by Goblins, Kobolds, and even a swarm of Pixie Midges.
Jug of Hard Apple Cider A sip turns a creature into a twin of Fluttershy for a half hour. Flying and talking to animals included. Roll a D20 for number of doses left when found.
Warning, Can cause bar room brawls. May lead to pregnancy, even in males. Do not use while operating heavy equipment, because, hooves.
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+1 chestplate - contains a pocket in the cleavage area holding 1 bulks' worth of treasures.
Book of the Darned - treatise on the making of, repairing of and redeeming evil socks.
Dancing Butt of Baba Yaga - 'Nuff said.
Deck of Lotsa Stuff - tarot cards hoarders use.
Runewell of Indigestion - usually found below taverns.
Elder Signet - grandad's family ring, no protection powers whatsoever.
Orrery of Distant Words - kinda like a vocabulary word a day calendar.
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Clown makeup kit White, black, and red greasepaint, rubber nose, and a clown hat. Adds +5 to the DC of hideous laughter.
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Magic underwearWhen put on hides all naughty bits as if blank skin. Skin color, tatoos, and wizard marks all show through. If you put them on your head you look like Slenderman.
Ring of 3 Limited WishesReally cool if you are low level.
Scroll of 3 bump spells.
A bump spell is an illusion divination that repeats sound and images that happened up to a year ago. The redisplay lasts 5 minutes per level, which since it is a 3rd level spell can be quite some time. It is commonly used to reintroduce a topic of conversation.
Unlike most scrolls the thing repeated is usually a blank to be filled in while casting by the reader of the scroll.
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Cloth Guru: despite the name, it's actually made from leather. This small figurine (which usually resembles a genie or denizen of Leng, but can also appear as Norgorber in outlandish clothing) when held up to the ear can provide a vast wealth of knowledge and information to the holder depending on the situation. Otherwise, it makes a brilliant paperweight.
Caution: the advice it gives, isn't always helpful.
A bottle with a big picture of a housefly on the label. It's 3 doses of a potion of fly.
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Talismans:
Emerald Grease-hopper - I'll leave it to your imagination
Hinter's Bane - Mandates spoiler alerts!
Oily Butt - goes in that NSFW thread
Floodseeker Beak - Only the high water nose what this does.
Feather Step Staine - Whoops! Sorry Mr. Chicken.
Bronze Bull Penchant - creates a tendency to break China
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Artifacts:
Head of Vecna - do the deal! Just remove your own and attach this for ultimate power
Bag of Molding - guess you forgot to empty everything in there. What's it been? Years?
Backrazor - this hair-sucking sword will clean you up just in time for date night
Codex of the Finite Planes - just a few pages really.
Bod of Seven Parts - don't bother reassembling, it's going to be messy
Cup of Al-Ackbar - don't drink from it, It's a trap!
Wand of Pork-Us - 50 charges of bacon summoning goodness.
Bod of 7 parts(see Osiris).
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Vecna's body parts - just sever/remove your own and replace.
Pinky of Vecna - somatic component of wrapping Vecna's around someone else's to geas them as a 20th level spell effect. Also, at-will, as long as you are making your way 'all the way home', you may cast crushing despair, CL 20th, on anything that stands in your way.
Tongue of Vecna - NSFW and gross
Big Toe of Vecna - immune to stubbings; ymmv if it's worth replacement
Spleen of Vecna - wizards disagree about what this could actually do, if anything
Kneecap of Vecna - prevents ACL tears
Bellybutton of Vecna - works as girdle of sex change except for innies/outies
Ear of Vecna - Sibilant whispers of the restless dead are omnipresent; on the plus side, no Q-tips ever needed, even earwax flees