And on this day did Lord Moorluck, lord of the Kingdom of Chaos look over his land, nestled in a crazed corner of some crazed Fairy Tale Realm. Bordered on one side by The River of Dreams, and on the other by a forest known only as The Woods, it was a mighty kingdom made even mightier still by his loyal army of werebadgers led by the feirce Lord Secretary of Ass Kicking, Taig. But troubled was his ignoble brow this day, for just this morn was he stirred from his revels with the insatiable Lady Solnes, and her harrem of nymphs, and told most distressing news. Fendri, the widow of Fenris the Wolfman had woven a dark spell against his house.SHe had filed a Lawsuit, charging his administration guilty of failing to prevent the death of her husband at the hands of those vile criminals, Porkchop, Bacon, and Hamhock, known collectivly as The Three Evil Pigs. His gaurds were all drunk on wine brought from the Glade of Mairkurion, and so were worthless. He needed dupes, fools, patsies. Not that he couldn't just ride out on his horse and slay the criminals himself, but he killed his horse in a drunken brawl last week over who got the last beer. Who would he get to handle this problem he wondered, maybe if he threw in a one night pass to Mairkurion's Hall of Dryads he could get someone to sign up.
With his riders sent to the four or five corners of his realm, The Lord President knew that by tomorrow he would have some fools to attend this quest. Which worked just fine for him, gave him more time to chase his lady around the palace.
The next day found him sitting in his throne looking down at the motly crew standing before him, "I guess you're the best we've got then, fair enough, you look like you can at least handle yourselves in a good brawl." He stands and steps towards the group of you, his enchanted greatsword, "Vote Changer", draped across his shoulder. "I have a problem, a problem that I need taken care of, a problem that could prove profitable for you. You see just last week I had a visit from that bedazzled nightmare Sebastan, it seems that he was hired by Mrs Wolf, widow of the late Mr BB Wolf. She wants retribution for his death, either I have to bring his killers to justice, or prepare to fight her lawsuit in court, HAVE YOU SEEN OUR COURTS!? I will not spend days presiding over this nonsense. I want you to go into the Forest Enchanted, find those damn pigs, and bring me back some country ham."
He looks at you as if to give you permission to ask whatever questions you may have.
Daws tha piggies hav tah come back alive? I like flayin' me sum piggies!
*snikt* *snikt* he rubs the blades of his spiked gauntlet together with sickening precision. He turns to the nearest wall, slashes at it with several strokes and then steps back to admire his handiwork.
Throughout all of this, the look of pure excitement has not waned from Pipp's face.
"A dark forest? A wicked spell? Ham? This has all the makings of a fantastic tale! I wouldn't miss it for anything. Someday, we'll all be in storybooks because of this, I'm sure!"
Feigning a more serious expression, Pipp goes on, "Now let's see... I feel like a hero in a story would ask some questions. What do the pigs look like?"
Looks at the motley assemblage arrayed in the halls, and momentarily questions his judgment.
"Lord, I Hieron of Akhaia -- servant of the Thrice Great One, Interpreter of all, he who leads the souls of men on all roads in this life and down into the Underworld -- will bind myself to this group, so long as it undertakes to solve this problem. For I have lost my partner, Dorn Gonnsson, dwarven stone master on the edge of the Wood, and thus our mission to check on the herms assigned to us is come to naught unless I recover him. If I may look for him as we undertake to bring these trotters to your broad justice, then the chance for adventure and profit would be most welcome. I trust my luck on this venture to my god. His power will surely be a great aid to our quest, and if I return not from the verdant bed of a winsome dryad, surely he will understand."
Diplomacy:
Aevelyn looks over the Lord Moorluck, with an appraising eye, "Well, Lord Moorluck, I must admit you have a very nice...blade there." She started appreciatively at the package the Lord was carrying.
She turns to the bestial orcling, and says, "Well, unfortunatley, my doctor has put me on a low sodium diet, so I have to be careful about too much salt intake nowadays. Maybe if I could get a different job with better health benefits...like...say a royal...position. She looks up at the Lord Moorluck, and blows him a kiss, followed by a sultry wink.
"just so cha remember, b@tch ... yer not mah mom! I don't care where I came outta! Yer not tha boss o'me!"
*snikt* *snikt*
"Nowwere's the burninator? Frigkin' flamer hes gud at!"
"just so cha remember, b@tch ... yer not mah mom! I don't care where I came outta! Yer not tha boss o'me!"
*snikt* *snikt*
"Nowwere's the burninator? Frigkin' flamer hes gud at!"
"Really, then where did you come from, he he?"
My lord, is there any more information you can give us about this werewolf family and these pigs that would help us in our search? Should we start with visiting the widow?
Sir bard, I think you've grasped the pork by the tail: I take it that these are no ordinary pigs. Beneath the sky, what matter of pigs are they? In rocky Akhaia, pigs are dumb beasts, incapable of the things of which you speak.
lights a twindertwig and puts the wooden end in his mouth
Three pigs you say? Once we are done I imagine a great barbecue will follow, huh? Allow me to introduce my self to those not of short temperament with ferocity inverse of their height. I am Maulfeuer Brandstifter. I also go by the flame eater, the charred one, the one who ignites the sheets, or as Jyg'g addresses me the Burninator. Just one more question will we be able to burn something on this little endeavor?
he notices the tindertwig has gone out and promptly consumes it
Quit that absurd dancing Jyg'g, where do you think you are? A pub?
Skia listens patiently to the Lord's words, safely cloaked in the shadows of his throne room. As he finishes, she steps forward and bows.
"These foul porcine fiends shall feel the darkness of my Lady Hekate, before they surely feel the roasting of the twisted flamespewer." She nods her head towards Maulfeuer, a cruel smile twisting her predatory features.
Bah. Pigs are hardly worth my time and effort. But no creature should be allowed to run without regard to the law or others. Mayhaps I should keep my sword sheathed for more of a challenge.
"Really, then where did you come from, he he?"
"yaz got meh! But it'a hoobastank in 'chere"
C'mere piggiez! Me show you what mah bruddah Chuckie Womansdaughter tot meh. Squeelz for Jyg'g!
She grabs Jyg'g by the ear, and hisses, "Mind what is left of your manners. afore I give ye a spankin'!"
"Really, then where did you come from, he he?""yaz got meh! But it'a hoobastank in 'chere"
Pipp. Do you speak "pygmy"? Just looking for someone to translate.
"Silence!" The LPM roars down at you, "I still have a headache from Lady Solnes' whos boobs are they party last night. Now let me answer your questions, and get you out of here, I've got a oiled nympth massage in 30 minutes. First the pigs look like pigs, 'cept when they don't, then they look like three inbred flea bitten hillbillies. Second, no BURNING IN THE FOREST!!!! It upsets Lord Maikurion, not to mention that forest goes up and we're gonna all be higher than a rastafarian at a.... at a.... at big rastafarian party. Now as for justice? Sure why not. You will of course be rewarded, I can offer you each your choice of dryads from M's private garden for one night. In addition you will be granted a sum of gold spendits equal to your worth, whatever the hell that may be." He seems to ponder a thought for a bit before begining again, "Hmm, tell you guys what though, those pigs took out a Big Bad wolf, so they might be a bit dangerous, stop by the royal kitchen on your way out and tell Master MacBoyce to give you ONE Delayed Blast Meatball to help you out along the way. I would recomend stopping by the town of Whutyadoon along the way, now if you have no more questions.... GET THE HELL TO WORK!"
When eaten this meatball cause severe stomach pain for 1d4 rounds before causing a gout of flame to errupt from the users rear. The cramping causes a -2 penalty to all attack rolls and skill checks, the flame is cone 30ft long, and 20ft wide at it's widest, it deals 10d6 fire damage, REF save for half damage.
"Ugghh me wants da nommies, but dat ball-a to-a-biggah for mah mouth. Hoose jaw here can come unhinged 'nuff to swallow da meaty-ballz?"
<he turns to stare at his "mom" and Skia, but thinks Pipp has a fighting chance>
"me gotz dibs on who'll outlast me buddah Maulfeuer 'chere!"
*snikt* *snikt*
Pipp. Do you speak "pygmy"? Just looking for someone to translate.
"I hope for our sakes he does. As long as you keep that little... thing away from me and pointed towards our enemies then everything will be alright."
"I hope for our sakes he does. As long as you keep that little... thing away from me and pointed towards our enemies then everything will be alright."
Aevelyn shoots the attractive drow lady a venomous look, and says, "That is NOT my job! You hear me? NOT MY JOB!"
"I do not care who holds his leash, as long as they are judicious in its use when enemies are not about."
"Ugghh me wants da nommies, but dat ball-a to-a-biggah for mah mouth. Hoose jaw here can come unhinged 'nuff to swallow da meaty-ballz?"
<he turns to stare at his "mom" and Skia, but thinks Pipp has a fighting chance>
"me gotz dibs on who'll outlast me buddah Maulfeuer 'chere!"
*snikt* *snikt*
"We bards have to learn how to open our mouths quite wide and keep them that way for a while. For singing, you know. Why are you looking at me like that?"
<slips on some kick-azz goggles and drops his voice five octaves>
"bïtches leave."
<pulls off kick-azz goggles, pockets them, and resumes regular conversation>
"Pips, can ye offah a demo? betcha can't eat just une bite! how maneh licks das it take toh get toh das center? tree?"
*snickt* *snickt*
Skia pulls out a pair of her own Sundark Goggles and flips them around her finger. "I too have goggles little man. Although I'm sure mine are far more practical than yours."
"tobah because butfuah! wit mine I can see yer bluey bloomin' bajhoobies rite threw cher clothes! Suckz tah be you and teh awesum tah be Jyg'g!"
<he twirls around on his calloused feet and breaks out into ... a jyg'g.>
"Jyg'g just a jyg'galo and evrah where jyg'g goes ya know tha part jyg'gsie playin'......"
Skia looks around at the others. "Does anyone have the slightest idea what in the name of Darkness he is saying? Can noone cast a spell that can understand languages?"
Aevelyn walks over to Skia and whispers, I think you need to ditch the silky bra, and switch to a dark stained corset.
"tobah because butfuah! wit mine I can see yer bluey bloomin' bajhoobies rite threw cher clothes! Suckz tah be you and teh awesum tah be Jyg'g!"
<he twirls around on his calloused feet and breaks out into ... a jyg'g.>
"Jyg'g just a jyg'galo and evrah where jyg'g goes ya know tha part jyg'gsie playin'......"
Speaking of which where is my money you little runt, and what is that white stain on your tunic? Maulfeuer states as he pokes one his spiked gauntlets toward Jyg'g. He notices Skia's grin then whispers to Jyg'g What cruel and unusual tortures do you think she has planned for me? Ooh what fun to be had Uhh Jyg'g why are you eye level with me after you looked at the dark elf?
"Das ah flavor savor from mah pocket puddin'. Don't bogart it, Maulfeuer! Now its ah time tah get Jyg'gy wit it"
<orcling busts a dance move>
Jyg'g -- here's another meatball for you.
So where are we headed? Do they have an address? Or are we going to wander the woods aimlessly until they find us?
and call me paranoid, but I think that Sebastan has orchestrated this whole thing and is using us as pawns -- hate lawyers. They use the law to circumvent the law.
Do we need to set up a schedule of watches ...
Aevelyn gazes appreciatively at the handsome half elf and says "I think we should go to that town Lord Moorluck mentioned. As for watches, we can share one...together" She gives hima sultry wink.
"Where da piggiez? Me watch out for em! Jyg'g kiks ten kindz o' ass! Lemme at 'em! Put up yer dooks!"
<the orcling puts himself in a fistfighting defensive position>
*snickt* *snickt*
<pauses>
"Its gettin' Jyg'gy wit it tahme!"
<orcling busts out a square-dance two-step>
I've decided to learn "Jyg'g speak" so that everyone can understand what the little one is saying.
"Das ah flavor savor from mah pocket puddin'. Don't bogart it, Maulfeuer! Now its ah time tah get Jyg'gy wit it"
Let's see...
Translation: "Thank you LPM for your incredible hospitality -- the cabbage was especially divine."
Pipp begins to play a spritely jig/Jyg'g on the flute to accompany the orcling's merry dance.
"Where da piggiez? Me watch out for em! Jyg'g kiks ten kindz o' ass! Lemme at 'em! Put up yer dooks!"
Translation: "I'm looking forward to hearing Pipp sing in a combat situation. And I need a tree for [censored]"
I've decided to learn "Jyg'g speak" so that everyone can understand what the little one is saying.
"Das ah flavor savor from mah pocket puddin'. Don't bogart it, Maulfeuer! Now its ah time tah get Jyg'gy wit it"Let's see...
Translation: "Thank you LPM for your incredible hospitality -- the cabbage was especially divine."
Uh, I don't think Jyg'g means what you think he means
Uh, I don't think Jyg'g means what you think he meansI've decided to learn "Jyg'g speak" so that everyone can understand what the little one is saying.
"Das ah flavor savor from mah pocket puddin'. Don't bogart it, Maulfeuer! Now its ah time tah get Jyg'gy wit it"Let's see...
Translation: "Thank you LPM for your incredible hospitality -- the cabbage was especially divine."
Was "divine" not quite the right word?
"Dahvine? Shez gots z purtee mouth. Shez even takehs in it Hughes. Terned him insadhe aught! Still gotz his career tho."
<looks bored>
"Dahvine? Shez gots z purtee mouth. Shez even takehs in it Hughes. Terned him insadhe aught! Still gotz his career tho."
Translation: "I'm looking forward to spending quality time with the group. Hope to see many flowers along the way."
<looks bored>
Sorry about that. I forgot about this one.
"tobah because butfuah! wit mine I can see yer bluey bloomin' bajhoobies rite threw cher clothes! Suckz tah be you and teh awesum tah be Jyg'g!"
Translation: "I'm ready to go. But before I do, I will need to perform the 'new quest ritual'. We'll need to find three penguins, a hammer and a wagon wheel to do it."
Tell you what Jyg'g. Let's plan on doing it along the way -- assuming we run into any penguins.
["tobah because butfuah! wit mine I can see yer bluey bloomin' bajhoobies rite threw cher clothes! Suckz tah be you and teh awesum tah be Jyg'g!"Translation: "I'm ready to go. But before I do, I will need to perform the 'new quest ritual'. We'll need to find three penguins, a hammer and a wagon wheel to do it."
Tell you what Jyg'g. Let's plan on doing it along the way -- assuming we run into any penguins.
Aevelyn snickers loudly to herself.
whispers to Aevelyn I think the righteous one there may be a few gold coins shy of a dragon's hoard. His translations might get 'im into trouble.
then he speaks to the group I believe we should head into town before we disturb LPM any further, plus I don't have the coin to replace anything here if I get hungry as he looks at the drapes.
She whispers back, in his ear, her voice a throaty purr, So true, Maufie, hee hee. As long as he doesn't take us down, I'm all for it.
"Ya Asheatah! I guorantee yah dat her drapes donna match da shag carphet. I warns ya! Dontcha say Jyg'g dunno tell youze. Likes ah schiesshaus doore ona tunerboat."
<resumes his four-square two-step barefoot shuffle>
"Ya Asheatah! I guorantee yah dat her drapes donna match da shag carphet. I warns ya! Dontcha say Jyg'g dunno tell youze. Likes ah schiesshaus doore ona tunerboat."
Translation: I'm ready to go, I just need to make sure that I have someone to take care of my frog. Does anyone have an extra strawberry?
What are we wanting to do in town? Times a wastin'. Bad people need to be apprehended. Shall we go?
"The little one will need to stay away from me if he doesn't want a Hekatean Necktie," Skia says as she caresess the fine looking Sickle at her right hip.
"We should however be off yes. I am in the mood for bacon and these Pigs will not gut and clean themselves ready for the banquet."
"Delightful! Perhaps while we're in town I can pick up a new scarf!"
Pipp resumes his flute-playing.
bm
The town of Whutyadoon rest on the edge of The Forest Enchanted, it is typical of settlements in Fawtlrealm, in so far as it is full of an eclectic gathering of beings residing under LPM's law of "screw it". Gnomes hustle back and forth doing all manner of business, sprites flitter about, elves dance through the streets seeking partners to slip off with, and stoic dwarves.... well they avoid the place like the plague. It is near noon when you come into town, and the market place is bustling with vendors and preististutes, from The Temple of Lust, offer their services in the name of Solnes. Somewhere, someone in this madhouse of a town should have a clue to where you can find those damned pigs.
Fawlty DM
Fawlty DM** spoiler omitted **
For Aevelyn.