Peer Review request for PFS #21


Society Scenario Submissions

Scarab Sages RPG Superstar 2009 Top 4

Greetings!

I am looking for feedback, comments, criticism, fawning admiration, etc. for my PFS #21 submission. I will happily provide feedback of my own to anyone who posts a submission for peer review. (in this thread or otherwise).

Thanks in advance!

Spoiler:

The Eternal Obelisk

Introduction:

Pathfinder Miranda Gade uncovers a toppled monument during an archaeological dig in eastern Qadira. Her divinations reveal that this marks the palace of Queen Irisene, but she learns little else. Miranda requests assistance and supplies from the Pathfinder Society. While waiting, she delves into the ruins and accidentally restores the palace’s queen — a petrified medusa — using a stone salve.

This medusa petrifies Miranda and starts to explore her former palace. She can only grab a few items before she runs afoul of the palace’s current resident; a destrachan which is immune to her stony gaze. Wounded, she flees the ruins and uses a headdress (hat) of disguise to assume the likeness of Miranda.

Adventure Synopsis:

The Pathfinder Society asks the PCs to escort some cargo to an archaeological dig in Qadira. They are to meet Pathfinder Miranda Gade and a Qadiran Peerless, Qalen Makar, at the site and provide whatever assistance they request.

The journey takes them through the eastern Qadiran badlands via sandship. As they skirt the haunted Shadun region, the PCs must fend off a pack of Ash Raptors.

At the excavation site, the PCs meet an assertive "Miranda" and a love-smitten Qalen. "Miranda" asks them to defeat the monster in the caverns. That night a rockslide agitates a nest of monstrous scorpions that attack the camp. The PCs help defend the camp, aided by Qalen’s ogre mercenaries. The following morning, the PCs enter the ruins.

They must first overcome a sand-filled chamber that contains hazardous green slime and a dun pudding. Afterward, they must negotiate a rubble-filled cavern in which swarms of asps writhe through deep fissures in the ground. Miranda’s petrified remains are here, and if the PCs are not careful, the destrachan will attack them in this cavern.

If lucky, the PCs face the destrachan in the main palace where columns and statues provide cover. The medusa waits outside for the PCs and shows her true form once she is sure the destrachan is dead.

Encounter #1: (EL7)
A pack of four Ash Raptors (Deinonychuses) attacks the PCs during their journey through the Qadiran wastes. The PCs must protect their guides and cargo.
Tier 8-9: Replace with Megaraptors. (EL10)

Encounter #2: (EL5+)
Medium monstrous scorpions attack the expedition’s camp. Multiple groups of 4-6 vermin attack the camp from different directions, forcing the PCs to split up or work fast to defeat individual groups. The PCs can direct the ogres to block obvious breach points.
Tier 8-9: Replace with Large Monstrous Scorpions. (EL7+)

Encounter #3: (EL5+)
The PCs must be alert for patches of green slime while a dun pudding attacks, using the sand-filled chamber for camouflage and easy burrowing. The dun pudding can be found in the Tome of Horrors.
Tier 8-9: Add one pudding. (EL7+)

Encounter #4: (EL8)
The PCs find the destrachan in its lair, or make enough noise to draw the destrachan to them. This battle might take place upon rubble-bridges over chasms filled with viper swarms. Alternately, it takes place in a statue-lined great hall. Miranda’s petrified body lies in one of the chasms. Extracting it automatically draws the attention of the destrachan.
Tier 8-9: Add one destrachan. (EL10)

Encounter #5: (EL9)
There are many ways the PCs can approach this. The adventure assumes they emerge from the caves whereupon "Miranda" asks them if they have slain the creature. Assuming they did, she drops her disguise and attacks using her petrifying gaze. Queen Irisene is an inveigler medusa aristocrat. She will direct her two newly dominated ogre mercenaries to attack PCs outside the range of her gaze. The inveigler template can be found in the Advanced Bestiary.
Tier 8-9: Qalen Makar (Wiz 7) has been dominated. (EL10)

Conclusion:
If the PCs succeed, Qalen Makar is embarrassed and offers the PCs gifts on behalf of the Satrap. The dig team extracts the Obelisk for research. The Obelisk grants the "Timeless Body" special quality (see druid or monk character class) to any person who sleeps within 200 feet of it each night for one full year. It also emanates a sympathy effect, constantly attracting swarms of vipers. The PCs can restore Miranda to flesh, but the Obelisk becomes a gift to the Satrap of Qadira.

If the PCs fail, Queen Irisene partially excavates her palace and ambushes a dozen or so nearby caravans before Qadira sends a sizeable force to deal with the problem. The Qadiran Satrapy’s opinion of the Pathfinder Society grows tense; it allows fewer expeditions within Qadira.

Liberty's Edge Contributor, RPG Superstar 2012

raidou wrote:

Greetings!

I am looking for feedback, comments, criticism, fawning admiration, etc. for my PFS #21 submission. I will happily provide feedback of my own to anyone who posts a submission for peer review. (in this thread or otherwise).

Thanks in advance!

I will have a review for you later this week (stupid real life!). I appreciate the feedback you gave me for my entry.

Sovereign Court

raidou wrote:

The Eternal Obelisk

Introduction

Overall, I like the introduction. It's well-paced and doesn't give any unnecessary history. However, I question the accidental use of stone salve. That seems really unlikely.

On a completely nitpicky level, "...resident; destrachan..." should probably be "...resident: destrachan...", but that's a very common mistake and I barely noticed it.

raidou wrote:

Adventure Synopsis:

The Pathfinder Society asks the PCs to escort some cargo to an archaeological dig in Qadira. They are to meet Pathfinder Miranda Gade and a Qadiran Peerless, Qalen Makar, at the site and provide whatever assistance they request.

Not a very "sexy" assignment for the PCs, but probably okay.

raidou wrote:
The journey takes them through the eastern Qadiran badlands via sandship. As they skirt the haunted Shadun region, the PCs must fend off a pack of Ash Raptors.

I can't comment too much here, as I just got my copy of the Campaign Setting in the mail yesterday and Golarion geography is totally new to me. Ash Raptors sound like fun. Then again, if the encounter doesn't drive the main plot at all, it could be a strike against you.

raidou wrote:

At the excavation site, the PCs meet an assertive "Miranda" and a love-smitten Qalen. "Miranda" asks them to defeat the monster in the caverns. That night a rockslide agitates a nest of monstrous scorpions that attack the camp. The PCs help defend the camp, aided by Qalen’s ogre mercenaries. The following morning, the PCs enter the ruins.

They must first overcome a sand-filled chamber that contains hazardous green slime and a dun pudding. Afterward, they must negotiate a rubble-filled cavern in which swarms of asps writhe through deep fissures in the ground. Miranda’s petrified remains are here, and if the PCs are not careful, the destrachan will attack them in this cavern.
If lucky, the PCs face the destrachan in the main palace where columns and statues provide cover. The medusa waits outside for the PCs and shows her true form once she is sure the destrachan is dead.

A nice variety of encounters here, but it takes a while to get to the main event: the ruins. I'm not sure if all of this would fit into 4 hours of play.

The question arises: what exactly are the PCs after in the ruins? Are they just following directions and playing janitors?

A few more questions come to mind, but I see you answer them quite nicely in the encounter descriptions later.

That's all I have time for at the moment. I'll finish critiquing the rest of the submission this evening.


I can guess some of the reasons mine didn't make it through, but any feedback is welcome. I will do my best to respond in kind, as and when I can.

Spoiler:

The Eternal Obelisk

Introduction
Kicked out of the Pathfinder Society after she returned one too many fellow Pathfinders as statues, the medusa Mlissa Arbisohneth has long harbored a grudge and a desire for revenge. Five years ago, she began to spread rumors about a strange wayside obelisk on the Qyrix-Mamuq road in the hopes that it would tweak Pathfinder curiosity, luring them into her reach. While she waited, she set up a smuggling ring to keep her occupied, bring in some money and provide an excuse to hang around the area.

While the smugglers bring in raided gems, spices and other trade cargoes, Mlissa lends her skills to creating fake artifacts for them to sell - chips of stone said to have come off the obelisk in places that have now healed. In actual fact, the chips are made from animals brought in by the smugglers and turned to stone by Mlissa.

Summary
On arrival, Mlissa tries to befriend and recruit the PCs, pointing out that there seems to be a gang of smugglers using the obelisk and creating rumors. When the snakes the smugglers are bringing in get free, the PCs have a chance to both deal with the gang and explore the inside of the obelisk. With a combined internal staircase and goods chute threatening to dump them deeper than they intended, the PCs must face off against a rogue medusa bent on revenge, while all around them the long-sleeping animated obelisk awakens and begins to fight back against both groups.

Player Introduction
The 'Eternal Obelisk' marks the location of the way station on the Qyrix-Mamuq trade road and stands out from the usual type of obelisk both for the lifelike carvings of animals that cover its sides and the tales that it can mend damage overnight. The last report on it was 3 years ago, when a powerful but skeptical Pathfinder wizard tested it and found that the hole he created did indeed mend overnight, although he never discovered how.

Since then there are new rumors spreading that the Eternal Obelisk has absorbed magic and can give it back if you just press the right carvings on its sides. The Pathfinder Society now wants a follow-up report and an investigation into the rumors.

Encounter 1 - All Friends?
On arrival, the party finds a small crowd of overnighting traders around a handful of smugglers hawking 'magic tokens' (on trays treated with magic aura) and 'artifact stone chips'. While the smugglers try to persuade the party to buy, Mlissa spots them and introduces herself as a fellow Pathfinder having a look at the obelisk and offers to share her findings and point out a possible trapdoor later that night.

Encounter 2 - Loose snake
As Mlissa leads the party to the foot of the obelisk, the latest chip-replacement animals (giant snakes) break free and turn on anyone around, PCs and smugglers alike, creating a three-way battle. Mlissa takes advantage of the confusion to open the trap door and run down inside, suggesting that any PCs who follow her wait at the top of the internal stair while she retrieves the lamps she left earlier

Encounter 3 - Chute trap
The internal stairs double up as a goods chute. Static weight converts the winding stairs into a steep chute dropping the goods down to the storage rooms. Climb and Balance checks allow anyone caught to control their descent. Continuing to move also counters the change from stairs to chute.

Encounter 4 - Mlissa waits
Mlissa waits at the bottom of the chute, standing at the centre of a sunburst carved in grooves on the floor. Her usual veil is loosened at one side ready to remove if she needs to turn anything to stone and both archers and the smuggler's mage wait higher on the walls to fire arrows or spells at her command.

The grooves are actually the trigger that awakens the obelisk in defense of the way station - if blood flows along any of them, the obelisk begins to awaken.

Encounter 5 - Animation
With the obelisk waking and beginning to move, the party must finish the fight and get out if they can (treat as if swallowed whole)

Conclusion
The party is debriefed and their report on the animated obelisk is filed for further investigation. Any information on Mlissa (if she survives) is noted down for future reference and warnings.

Grand Lodge

raidou wrote:

Greetings!

I am looking for feedback, comments, criticism, fawning admiration, etc. for my PFS #21 submission. I will happily provide feedback of my own to anyone who posts a submission for peer review. (in this thread or otherwise).

Feedback and some thoughts for minor changes follow:

Spoiler:
I have to agree about the stone salve, and the headdress is also awfully convenient, though in fairness, the latter is a reasonable item for a medusa or a Pathfinder to have. Maybe they could support each other: Miranda chose to use the stone salve because the medusa was petrified, using the headdress, in a different form, matching the person that the Professor expected to see and planned to restore. This suggests that the Queen's petrification was well-known, that the same tale recorded some reason to bring her back to life, and that her restoration was possibly planned in advance by the medusa (though there's a potential trap in expanding endlessly upon the backstory).

The hook for the PCs is good. Perhaps the Society had word of a particular threat that justified calling on Pathfinders of greater experience (higher level) to escort the supplies. This could give the PCs a useful clue to bring along items (maybe more stone salve) that will help with any particularly difficult encounters.

The first three acts are unrelated encounters, as far as I can tell, which have been frowned on for other proposals due to the limited time to run the scenario. For #2 and #3, there also seems to be an unusual amount of wildlife around, given the presence of a top predator such as the destrachan. Perhaps one or all were placed by "Miranda" or by defensive magic on the palace.

If "Miranda" expects the PCs to rest the night after arriving (presumably, because they've fought the ash raptors), is there any reason they can't do the same after the night encounter with the scorpions? There seems to be no time limit either for the PCs to explore the palace or for "Miranda" to accomplish her goals. It might seem more logical just to transpose one sentence so that she makes her request in the morning.

#4: It doesn't seem a good idea to present two different options. Better to pick one and go into it in more depth to maximise the synergies between the location and the creature's powers, since this is its chosen lair and the place where it defeated the major villain of the adventure.

#5: The synopsis suggests that Qalen is dominated in either tier, or naturally smitten to a degree that he would defend "Miranda". The PCs might find out earlier if he was dominated, so it may be a good idea to clarify that his infatuation is entirely natural and the medusa doesn't use any magical effect on him until the PCs enter the palace. There may be some other reason that he doesn't appear as a threat in tier 5-7. It's good to see, though, that the medusa's domination power is explained and costed by a specific game effect here as opposed to other proposals.

The "Timeless Body" effect seems awkwardly tacked on. It might be better for the legends of the Obelisk simply to relate to the Queen's petrified and undying state. I very much like the Failure side of the conclusion, though.

On the whole, I think the plot is sound. It could just use some tightening up around the central ideas of the scenario.

Sovereign Court

raidou wrote:

Encounter #4: (EL8)

The PCs find the destrachan in its lair, or make enough noise to draw the destrachan to them. This battle might take place upon rubble-bridges over chasms filled with viper swarms. Alternately, it takes place in a statue-lined great hall. Miranda’s petrified body lies in one of the chasms. Extracting it automatically draws the attention of the destrachan.
Tier 8-9: Add one destrachan. (EL10)

I love interesting locations for battles to take place, so this encounter really appeals to me. Also, you did a great job dealing with a potential problem that concerned me earlier in the proposal: why wouldn't the PCs immediately leave the ruins and confront the imposter when they discovered Miranda's stone form? This would throw my group of players into a major time-consuming tangent. But you solved that very nicely.

raidou wrote:


Conclusion:

I really like the conclusion. I know that's not terribly helpful, but I don't have much to critique in this section. Unlike Starglim, I also like the "Timeless Body" effect. That just might be one of those things that depends on the reader's taste.

As a final note, I LOVED how you organized and formatted the submission, especially the "Encounters" section. In fact, I plan on adopting your format for my future submissions.

Sovereign Court

Here's my proposal for #21. I still think my core idea was fun and interesting, but I don't think I did a fantastic job of communicating it. A different format would have worked better for me, and I realize as I look over it now that in trimming the fat I left it unclear that the Raniyah who is kidnapped in Act 1 is the human double...oops. (I did have a couple people check through the submission for me to check for consistency, but they also read the longer version so I can see why they didn't catch it either).

Any comments/critiques would be very welcome.

Spoiler:

Hewn in one piece from living stone, the ancient obelisk known as the Pharaoh’s Needle was recently donated to the church of Sarenrae and will be raised in Katheer as a grand monument.

The Osirion druid Kamenwati believes the obelisk to contain a spirit within – a living piece of Osirion. Enraged at the perceived theft, he refuses to stand by as it is raised in Sarenrae’s honor, to be forever imprisoned in a foreign land. Learning that Raniyah al-Katesh, a renowned dealer of art and obsessive collector of ancient artifacts, won the contract to refurbish the monument, he finds a prize she would be willing to deal for: a unique map to a tomb long lost to the desert sands. To obtain the map, he kills the venture-captain who was carrying it to the Pathfinder Society.

Raniyah al-Katesh agrees to grant Kamenwati access to the obelisk in exchange for the map. As a medusa living a high-profile life in Katheer, she is quite used to secrets and dark dealings. She maintains her deception by using a hat of disguise to appear as a human double she personally trained and cultivated. The real Raniyah can’t resist trying to simply steal the map, and Kamenwati, who learns her secret, kidnaps her double to ensure continued cooperation.

Summary
The PCs arrive in Katheer and find Raniyah al-Katesh overseeing the final touches on the restoration of the obelisk. As they question her she is abducted and they are attacked by Osirion bandits. Moments before she disappears, she throws a mysterious key to the nearest PC and admits knowledge of the map, promising to give it to them if they save her.

After gaining entrance to Raniyah’s house and navigating some dangerous traps, the PCs fit the key to a lock on a hidden door. The secret room at first appears to be nothing more than an artist’s workshop, but they soon learn that the attractive beggars locked within are destined to be turned into statues (evidenced by the contents of a crate). The real Raniyah arrives at the scene and attempts to dispose of those who have unwittingly discovered her true nature.

Next the PCs locate the abducted double and learn of Kamenwati’s plans. To obtain the map, extract revenge and stop the impending madness, they must race to the unveiling of the new monument to Sarenrae, contending with fleeing crowds and facing monsters supposedly unleashed by the spirit within the Eternal Obelisk.

Getting Started
Venture-Captain Anarya Fowler contacts the PCs and asks them to recover the invaluable map. A speak with dead spell revealed the name Raniyah al-Katesh, so they head to Katheer. The PCs can gather information about Raniyah before meeting her, learning that she is admired and well-known for being kind to beggars. They may uncover clues about her use of a double.

Act 1: Abduction
Six men race into the courtyard and head for Raniyah, a dog loping ahead of them (Kamenwati, human Druid 10 or 13).

[Tier 5-7: six human level 2 fighters, Tier 8-9: upgrade to level 4 (Kamenwati will avoid engaging the PCs)]

Act 2: Night Gallery
Raniyah’s house and art gallery are closed when the PCs arrive, and they must gain entrance without drawing attention.

[Tier 5-7: Glyph of warding (blast) (CR 6) and spiked pit trap (CR 4), Tier 8-9: Insanity mist vapor trap (CR 8) and Glyph of warding (blast) (CR 6)]

Act 3: To Grace a Garden
The medusa enters the scene.

[Tier 5-7: Medusa, Tier 8-9: Advanced medusa]

Act 4: Osirion’s Wrath
Kamenwati’s plan is revealed when the PCs locate the hostage.

[Tier 5-7: five level 2 fighters and one level 3 druid, Tier 8-9: add one level to each NPC]

Act 5: Obelisk Unveiled
The lamia statues at the base of the obelisk turn to flesh. It is paramount to Kamenwati that it seems the obelisk itself is coming to life, so he remains hidden.

[Tier 5-7: Kamenwati’s resources are mostly expended and many of the monsters are killed before the PCs arrive at the scene, Tier 8-9: less resources are expended and the monsters are in better shape]

Conclusion
The PCs should recover the map and return it to the Pathfinder Society. If Raniyah escapes, she will start up again in another city. If Kamenwati escapes or his plot is not proven, the obelisk becomes a matter of great contention in Qadira and Osirion.

Grand Lodge

Cat Daemon wrote:

I can guess some of the reasons mine didn't make it through, but any feedback is welcome. I will do my best to respond in kind, as and when I can.

Glad to take a look:

Spoiler:

Very much liked the main character from the first sentence, though I don't see why she was kicked out. It seems like a perfectly reasonable PC tactic in some circumstances .. It's good to see intelligent creatures as individuals that fit into the setting in the same ways that unusual PCs can.

Too much is left unexplained about the obelisk. Why the animal carvings? When and why was it built? How did it repair a hole in the side overnight? It seems the rumours that Mlissa is spreading are actually mostly true - does she know about all of the obelisk's abilities?

"On arrival" seems to have left out the reason that the PCs came to this area. I think it would have been better to state here that the PCs were sent to investigate the rumours about the obelisk (as revealed two paragraphs down). It's not a very strong hook either way.

The smuggling ring seems a bit close to the standard background in the Monster Manual. It seems odd for the smugglers to stand around hawking stone carvings. Shouldn't they be away smuggling - slinking through little-used paths and leaving cryptic messages for their shady contacts? In fact, I don't see why they need to be smugglers at all. The part they play in the adventure, by selling fake relics and secretly (but not illegally) bringing in exotic animals, is a good enough way to earn a living and to fulfil Mlissa's goals.

What are those, by the way? Does she just want to get revenge by killing some Pathfinders?

I'm not sure that #1 is enough to count as an encounter either in terms of XP or time, or that it's separate from #2. The same could be said about #3 to #4. The adventure as a whole feels too short. It could even be argued that it's only one encounter.

The stallholders, escaped snake and opening of the trapdoor could provide a fun and chaotic scene.

Were the archers and mage ready to drop everything and move into their attack positions as soon as an opportunity appeared? It doesn't seem that Mlissa could have known when Pathfinders would arrive and she would have trouble even giving a signal as it's written.

I think I saw the blood groove thing in Hellboy. Not a bad use of the Load-Bearing Boss trope though.

The conclusion doesn't add up to much. It would be good to know at least if the obelisk was destroyed by its episode of animation. If not, someone could potentially exploit this recurring magical effect.

There are some good ideas for an extended couple of encounters. I think it's stretching to be more than that, though.

Grand Lodge

Elora wrote:
Unlike Starglim, I also like the "Timeless Body" effect. That just might be one of those things that depends on the reader's taste.

I like it - as random magical site effects go, this one is very interesting. I just don't think it has anything to do with the adventure.

Sovereign Court

Starglim wrote:
Elora wrote:
Unlike Starglim, I also like the "Timeless Body" effect. That just might be one of those things that depends on the reader's taste.
I like it - as random magical site effects go, this one is very interesting. I just don't think it has anything to do with the adventure.

Point taken, Starglim! I can understand that perspective.

Although I wonder...maybe the effect is supposed to represent the "Eternal" part of the "Eternal Obelisk"?

Scarab Sages RPG Superstar 2009 Top 4

Elora, I have some thoughts on your submission. Thanks for posting, and for your comments on my work as well.

Spoiler:

Elora wrote:

Hewn in one piece from living stone, the ancient obelisk known as the Pharaoh’s Needle was recently donated to the church of Sarenrae and will be raised in Katheer as a grand monument.

The Osirion druid Kamenwati believes the obelisk to contain a spirit within – a living piece of Osirion. Enraged at the perceived theft, he refuses to stand by as it is raised in Sarenrae’s honor, to be forever imprisoned in a foreign land. Learning that Raniyah al-Katesh, a renowned dealer of art and obsessive collector of ancient artifacts, won the contract to refurbish the monument, he finds a prize she would be willing to deal for: a unique map to a tomb long lost to the desert sands. To obtain the map, he kills the venture-captain who was carrying it to the Pathfinder Society.

Raniyah al-Katesh agrees to grant Kamenwati access to the obelisk in exchange for the map. As a medusa living a high-profile life in Katheer, she is quite used to secrets and dark dealings. She maintains her deception by using a hat of disguise to appear as a human double she personally trained and cultivated. The real Raniyah can’t resist trying to simply steal the map, and Kamenwati, who learns her secret, kidnaps her double to ensure continued cooperation.

- You already acknowledge that you left out some important info regarding the double. That complex plot needs to be clean and easy to decipher. On the third read through it I'm still trying to figure out exactly who does what to whom. That needs to be plain on the first read. Another thing is the old boogeyman of passive voice. Your very first line, the one that needs to grab Josh and not let go, has two instances of passive voice in it. "Was recently donated" and "will be raised" should be transformed to something like "group X recently donated the obelisk to the church of Saranrae." and "the Qadiran Satrap plans to raise the monument in Katheer."

Elora wrote:

Summary

The PCs arrive in Katheer and find Raniyah al-Katesh overseeing the final touches on the restoration of the obelisk. As they question her she is abducted and they are attacked by Osirion bandits. Moments before she disappears, she throws a mysterious key to the nearest PC and admits knowledge of the map, promising to give it to them if they save her.

- One thing that's missing here is a direct explanation of what the PCs are here to do. It's hinted at in your intro (venture-captain killed, map missing...) but it's far from clear. Why are the PCs in Katheer, why would they question this person, etc? That's the hook that we need to get this adventure rolling.

Elora wrote:
After gaining entrance to Raniyah’s house and navigating some dangerous traps, the PCs fit the key to a lock on a hidden door. The secret room at first appears to be nothing more than an artist’s workshop, but they soon learn that the attractive beggars locked within are destined to be turned into statues (evidenced by the contents of a crate). The real Raniyah arrives at the scene and attempts to dispose of those who have unwittingly discovered her true nature.

- The plot can come to a halt if the PCs don't find the secret door. Your summary should allow for this possibility.

Elora wrote:
Next the PCs locate the abducted double and learn of Kamenwati’s plans. To obtain the map, extract revenge and stop the impending madness, they must race to the unveiling of the new monument to Sarenrae, contending with fleeing crowds and facing monsters supposedly unleashed by the spirit within the Eternal Obelisk.

- "impending madness" is probably too vague. What does that mean? We've gotten to the end of the summary, and if I were going to run this adventure, I still don't have enough information about what is really going on. You're summarizing these events as if you are tempting the PCs to go on this adventure (and not giving too much away). Instead (and in my opinion), you need to be telling the DM how to run this adventure. That means all the secrets are laid out on the table, clearly and concisely.

Elora wrote:

Getting Started

Venture-Captain Anarya Fowler contacts the PCs and asks them to recover the invaluable map. A speak with dead spell revealed the name Raniyah al-Katesh, so they head to Katheer. The PCs can gather information about Raniyah before meeting her, learning that she is admired and well-known for being kind to beggars. They may uncover clues about her use of a double.

- Ah, here we go. Bump this up to the very start of the summary and you've got your hook.

Elora wrote:

Act 1: Abduction

Six men race into the courtyard and head for Raniyah, a dog loping ahead of them (Kamenwati, human Druid 10 or 13).

[Tier 5-7: six human level 2 fighters, Tier 8-9: upgrade to level 4 (Kamenwati will avoid engaging the PCs)]

Act 2: Night Gallery
Raniyah’s house and art gallery are closed when the PCs arrive, and they must gain entrance without drawing attention.

[Tier 5-7: Glyph of warding (blast) (CR 6) and spiked pit trap (CR 4), Tier 8-9: Insanity mist vapor trap (CR 8) and Glyph of warding (blast) (CR 6)]

Act 3: To Grace a Garden
The medusa enters the scene.

[Tier 5-7: Medusa, Tier 8-9: Advanced medusa]

Act 4: Osirion’s Wrath
Kamenwati’s plan is revealed when the PCs locate the hostage.

[Tier 5-7: five level 2 fighters and one level 3 druid, Tier 8-9: add one level to each NPC]

Act 5: Obelisk Unveiled
The lamia statues at the base of the obelisk turn to flesh. It is paramount to Kamenwati that it seems the obelisk itself is coming to life, so he remains hidden.

[Tier 5-7: Kamenwati’s resources are mostly expended and many of the monsters are killed before the PCs arrive at the scene, Tier 8-9: less resources are expended and the monsters are in better shape]

- I would like more information on how you intend these encounters to play out. By referring back to your summary, I can sort of see how one encounter leads to the next but there is still that sense of vague-ness, like you're holding out for the big reveal. There are also many points where the whole adventure can be thwarted. Raniyah's abductors could fail. The secret door with the beggars could be missed. The PCs could race after the abductors, never visit her house, target Kamenwati right away, etc. I would like to see that you've accounted for some of these in your summary.

Elora wrote:

Conclusion

The PCs should recover the map and return it to the Pathfinder Society. If Raniyah escapes, she will start up again in another city. If Kamenwati escapes or his plot is not proven, the obelisk becomes a matter of great contention in Qadira and Osirion.

- You have some bare-bones ideas here in need of fleshing out. The obelisk's power... what is it? Kamenwati's grand plan... what exactly is it? what happens when the monument is unveiled? You give us some hints (stone monsters come to life) but where's the actual info? The main comment I have with this submission is that you drop hints and suggestions instead of clearly stating what's going on and how the PCs maneuver through the scenes.

Thanks again! Good luck with your future submissions.

-eric

Sovereign Court

raidou wrote:
Elora, I have some thoughts on your submission. Thanks for posting, and for your comments on my work as well.

Thank you for taking the time to give a thorough and thoughtful response!

You're spot on with your criticism. I think a lot of my clarity problems would have been solved by simply changing the order I presented information in. And remembering I'm writing DM info, not player info!

I should have explicitly stated what Kamenwati's plan was, for certain. For curious minds: Kamenwati was convinced that if he could examine the obelisk he could figure out how to unleash or "awaken" the spirit he believed it contained. He was unable to do so, and with time running out he decided to, well, fake it. A chain lightning effect would start things off, followed by the summoning of a water elemental apparently from the pool of water surrounding the obelisk and then the "awakening" of the lamias. They had been petrified by Raniyah, who placed an application of powdered stone salve in a satchet hidden on the statues. As soon as the stone salve gets wet (water elemental), voila, stone-to-flesh.

Concerning the secret door, I did have a back-up plan for that but ran out of room to include it. Raniyah has a pair of elderly servants that could be persuaded to reveal where the "mysterious key" goes.

As far as how the encounters could play out, I was actually quite proud of the fact (what's that about pride going before a fall? ;-) that order of play doesn't really matter with the scenario I designed, leaving some room for PC choices. It could just as easily go

Act 1: Abduction --> Act 2: Night Gallery (Raniyah’s house and art gallery) --> Act 3: To Grace a Garden (Medusa confrontation) --> Act 4: Osirion’s Wrath (Rescue Raniya's double/track down Kamenwati) --> Act 5: Obelisk Unveiled (Confrontation with Kamenwati)

OR, Act 1: Abduction --> Act 4: Osirion’s Wrath (Rescue Raniya's double/track down Kamenwati) --> Act 5: Obelisk Unveiled (Confrontation with Kamenwati) --> Act 2: Night Gallery (Raniyah’s house and art gallery) --> Act 3: To Grace a Garden (Medusa confrontation). If the PCs confront Kamenwati before meeting the medusa, he will have already given the map to Raniyah.

Again, thanks for the feedback. I'll keep it in mind for my next submission!

Sovereign Court

Cat Daemon:

Here's my thoughts on your submission:

Spoiler:
Cat Daemon wrote:

Introduction

...
While the smugglers bring in raided gems, spices and other trade cargoes, Mlissa lends her skills to creating fake artifacts for them to sell - chips of stone said to have come off the obelisk in places that have now healed. In actual fact, the chips are made from animals brought in by the smugglers and turned to stone by Mlissa.

Okay, here is what I THINK you mean: The obelisk hasn't actually been chipped and thus doesn't really heal itself. But Mlissa has been spreading a story that it does, and as "evidence" she created chips of stone that can be turned back into flesh.

Is that right? I'm a little confused.

Oh, but I really like the name "Mlissa" for a medusa, and you have an interesting hook going on here.

Cat Daemon wrote:

Summary

On arrival, Mlissa tries to befriend and recruit the PCs, pointing out that there seems to be a gang of smugglers using the obelisk and creating rumors. When the snakes the smugglers are bringing in get free, the PCs have a chance to both deal with the gang and explore the inside of the obelisk. With a combined internal staircase and goods chute threatening to dump them deeper than they intended, the PCs must face off against a rogue medusa bent on revenge, while all around them the long-sleeping animated obelisk awakens and begins to fight back against both groups.

This sounds like fun, and it covers all the major encounters nicely.

But now I'm more confused about the obelisk, and it seems my earlier assumption was incorrect. Hopefully this gets cleared up later. Also, I'm a little concerned about the similarity (vague as it may be) of an "animated obelisk" to the animated monastery in Christine Schneider's winning RPG Superstar adventure proposal. Cool idea, but not something that should be done very often, so that might be a major strike against you.

Cat Daemon wrote:

Player Introduction

The 'Eternal Obelisk' marks the location of the way station on the Qyrix-Mamuq trade road and stands out from the usual type of obelisk both for the lifelike carvings of animals that cover its sides and the tales that it can mend damage overnight. The last report on it was 3 years ago, when a powerful but skeptical Pathfinder wizard tested it and found that the hole he created did indeed mend overnight, although he never discovered how.

Since then there are new rumors spreading that the Eternal Obelisk has absorbed magic and can give it back if you just press the right carvings on its sides. The Pathfinder Society now wants a follow-up report and an investigation into the rumors.

This clears up a lot of my earlier confusion, so it probably should have come earlier in the submission. But now I don't understand why Mlissa was petrifying animals so she could sell chips of them as fake pieces of the obelisk. Why didn't she just sell actual relics from the obelisk?

Cat Daemon wrote:

Encounter 3 - Chute trap

The internal stairs double up as a goods chute. Static weight converts the winding stairs into a steep chute dropping the goods down to the storage rooms. Climb and Balance checks allow anyone caught to control their descent. Continuing to move also counters the change from stairs to chute.

Fun trap! Clever and unusual.

Cat Daemon wrote:

Encounter 4 - Mlissa waits

Mlissa waits at the bottom of the chute, standing at the centre of a sunburst carved in grooves on the floor. Her usual veil is loosened at one side ready to remove if she needs to turn anything to stone and both archers and the smuggler's mage wait higher on the walls to fire arrows or spells at her command.

The grooves are actually the trigger that awakens the obelisk in defense of the way station - if blood flows along any of them, the obelisk begins to awaken.

Encounter 5 - Animation
With the obelisk waking and beginning to move, the party must finish the fight and get out if they can (treat as if swallowed whole)

Mlissa's motivations here aren't crystal clear to me. I get that she hates Pathfinders, but this seems like an unnecessarily elaborate plan to kill a handful of them. It would make more sense if her vendetta was personal, but I don't think that works well in convention/organized play. If I were running this scenario for my regular gaming group, no problem - I just work her into a backstory or two.

Cool visual effect with the grooves and blood, and at first glance I like the use of the "swallow whole" mechanic. But what about the stairs? And does Mlissa know about the obelisk's animated nature? If so, oops for her!

And what does the obelisk actually DO once it's animated to defend the waystation?? That's the really tricky question, and the biggest strike against the submission in my book.

Cat Daemon wrote:

Conclusion

The party is debriefed and their report on the animated obelisk is filed for further investigation. Any information on Mlissa (if she survives) is noted down for future reference and warnings.

What do the PCs get out of this? What happens to the obelisk? And the waystation if the obelisk animates?

Finally, a little more "crunch" would be useful (particularly for Mlissa, the archers and the mage).

I hope that was helpful!!

Dark Archive

Raidou: Some thoughts on your submission.

Spoiler:

There were some interesting concepts in the proposal. The medusa posing as a pathfinder is a neat idea with lots of potential. The sandship location is neat (would have liked to have seen more of it) and the ruins themselves are suitably Indiana Jones like which is great. Overall my concerns would be the first two encounters are a bit of filler, the titular obelisk has no real relevance but most of all the medusa lacks any compelling goal as a villain.

While the setup does get the ball rolling it could use some more drama and higher stakes. The medusa is intent on housecleaning but what are her overall goals? Cutting to that might have yielded something. Also I'm not entirely certain as to what would possess Miranda to restore the medusa.

Serviceable but not too exciting hook. If the party was transporting something unique and in need of protection perhaps but a few picks and waterskins isn't the most compelling assignment (particularly given the party's level).

The first two encounters while sounding quite neat (especially the sandship and raptors) don't contribute to the plot. The encounters in the ruins are more relevant but the dun pudding and green slime is still a bit of filler. The destrachan while kudos for a rarely-used monster I didn't find that compelling (as it essentially becomes just a beastie to hack in the dungeon). My only suggestion would be to fold the two encounters together in having the party face off against the destrachan while negotiating environmental hazards (pools of green slime etc.) Also if the destrachan was an active obstacle to something the party is trying to obtain or get to that might help. (I.e. the medusa posing as Miranda - the ____ item is in the great hall but that it is also the lair of the beastie)
The last encounter definitely has some spice to it (unfortunately I'm not familiar with the prc or template for the medusa) as the double-cross is revealed. Also dominated allies are always an interesting complication. It might have helped to have something to fight over (such as the ___ item the medusa desires to get her claws on) instead of the medusa simply tying up loose ends.

Best of luck on the next round

Dark Archive

Also if anyone would care to critique my submission proposal click below to that thread. Thoughts, input greatly appreciated.

link


Thanks Starglim and Elora.

Looks like I need to make myself a whole lot clearer in general. Oh well, plot description is always my weak point. :( Detailed responses in the spoiler. Thanks again.

Cat

Spoiler:
Starglim wrote:
Very much liked the main character from the first sentence, though I don't see why she was kicked out. It seems like a perfectly reasonable PC tactic in some circumstances .. It's good to see intelligent creatures as individuals that fit into the setting in the same ways that unusual PCs can.

The idea was Mlissa was kicked out for turning too many of her competing fellow pathfinders into stone, instead of cooperating as required.

Starglim wrote:

Too much is left unexplained about the obelisk. Why the animal carvings? When and why was it built? How did it repair a hole in the side overnight? It seems the rumours that Mlissa is spreading are actually mostly true - does she know about all of the obelisk's abilities?

"On arrival" seems to have left out the reason that the PCs came to this area. I think it would have been better to state here that the PCs were sent to investigate the rumours about the obelisk (as revealed two paragraphs down). It's not a very strong hook either way.

The smuggling ring seems a bit close to the standard background in the Monster Manual. It seems odd for the smugglers to stand around hawking stone carvings. Shouldn't they be away smuggling - slinking through little-used paths and leaving cryptic messages for their shady contacts? In fact, I don't see why they need to be smugglers at all. The part they play in the adventure, by selling fake relics and secretly (but not illegally) bringing in exotic animals, is a good enough way to earn a living and to fulfil Mlissa's goals.

I think I may have been rushing through this bit - I only caught the details towards the end of the submission time. Next time, I'll definitely explain more and rework the order for clarity. The repairs were actually done by Mlissa jamming an animal in the hole and turning it to stone - hence the animals all over it.

Starglim wrote:
I'm not sure that #1 is enough to count as an encounter either in terms of XP or time, or that it's separate from #2. The same could be said about #3 to #4. The adventure as a whole feels too short. It could even be argued that it's only one encounter.

Right. Too thin, more needed. I'll work on that - thanks.

Elora wrote:


Cat Daemon wrote:
Introduction
...
While the smugglers bring in raided gems, spices and other trade cargoes, Mlissa lends her skills to creating fake artifacts for them to sell - chips of stone said to have come off the obelisk in places that have now healed. In actual fact, the chips are made from animals brought in by the smugglers and turned to stone by Mlissa.

Okay, here is what I THINK you mean: The obelisk hasn't actually been chipped and thus doesn't really heal itself. But Mlissa has been spreading a story that it does, and as "evidence" she created chips of stone that can be turned back into flesh.
Is that right? I'm a little confused.

The real chips were mended by Mlissa slapping an animal over the hole and turning it to stone, the fake chips were made by turning animals to stone and breaking them into chips. I guess I really need to crank up my clarity.

Elora wrote:
Also, I'm a little concerned about the similarity (vague as it may be) of an "animated obelisk" to the animated monastery in Christine Schneider's winning RPG Superstar adventure proposal. Cool idea, but not something that should be done very often, so that might be a major strike against you.

After I sent this in, I had a nasty thought about that myself. Too much similarity can be a bad thing.

Elora wrote:


Cat Daemon wrote:
Encounter 3 - Chute trap
The internal stairs double up as a goods chute. Static weight converts the winding stairs into a steep chute dropping the goods down to the storage rooms. Climb and Balance checks allow anyone caught to control their descent. Continuing to move also counters the change from stairs to chute.

Fun trap! Clever and unusual.

Glad you liked that.

Elora wrote:


And what does the obelisk actually DO once it's animated to defend the waystation?? That's the really tricky question, and the biggest strike against the submission in my book.

Um, caught. That's what I get for rushing, I guess. :(

Elora wrote:

Cat Daemon wrote:

Conclusion
The party is debriefed and their report on the animated obelisk is filed for further investigation. Any information on Mlissa (if she survives) is noted down for future reference and warnings.

What do the PCs get out of this? What happens to the obelisk? And the waystation if the obelisk animates?
Finally, a little more "crunch" would be useful (particularly for Mlissa, the archers and the mage).

I hope that was helpful!!

It was very helpful! Thanks for taking the time.

RPG Superstar 2012

raidou wrote:

Greetings!

I am looking for feedback, comments, criticism, fawning admiration, etc. for my PFS #21 submission. I will happily provide feedback of my own to anyone who posts a submission for peer review. (in this thread or otherwise).

Thanks in advance!

Here is my very late (sorry!) feedback:

Spoiler:

raidou wrote:


While waiting, she delves into the ruins and accidentally restores the palace’s queen — a petrified medusa — using a stone salve.

I really liked your introduction, and you've got the Pathfinder Society involved from the start. This sentence struck me as funny. Why would Miranda have a stone salve? And "accidentally" gives me the impression that Miranda is walking around with the salve, trips, and splashes it on the medusa.

The whole proposal is well written. One concern I have is with the lack of connection between encounters. I'm not sure that every adventure needs to have linked encounters, so take that opinion with a grain of salt.

The only other concern is with the use of external OGL references. Because you will have to spell out the statistics of the dun pudding and the inveigler template, it might bloat the module.

This is good stuff, and I hope you keep submitting. I wish you luck in future submissions!

RPG Superstar 2012

Cat Daemon wrote:

I can guess some of the reasons mine didn't make it through, but any feedback is welcome. I will do my best to respond in kind, as and when I can.

Thanks for the chance to review your proposal. Here are my thoughts. I hope they are helpful:

Spoiler:

I like your villain. A former member of the Pathfinder Society would have a good idea of their approach to investigating something like the obelisk. The notion that she would start a smuggling operation helps tie your encounters together. The way you describe it though makes it seem tacked on.

You don't answer the question (or I couldn't easily find the answer) of what the PCs interest is in this adventure. I can guess ("find out what you can about the obelisk"), but it needs to be clear.

Most of the encounters, as written, are short. Encounters four and five seem to be same encounter, with the exception of the obelisk awakening, which seems highly coincidental. If Mlissa has been doing this for a while, why would the obelisk awake now.

Finally, the conclusion doesn't spell out the results of succeeding or failing.

I enjoyed reading your proposal, and I wish you luck in future submissions!

If you want to take a look at my proposal, it's over here. Thanks in advance, if you decide to take a look.

RPG Superstar 2012

Elora wrote:

Here's my proposal for #21. I still think my core idea was fun and interesting, but I don't think I did a fantastic job of communicating it. A different format would have worked better for me, and I realize as I look over it now that in trimming the fat I left it unclear that the Raniyah who is kidnapped in Act 1 is the human double...oops. (I did have a couple people check through the submission for me to check for consistency, but they also read the longer version so I can see why they didn't catch it either).

Any comments/critiques would be very welcome.

Hi, Elora. Here are my comments. I hope they are helpful:

Spoiler:

I see your comment above about Raniyah. Even with that I'm still confused about the relationship between the medusa and the real Raniyah. This sentence really confuses me: "She maintains her deception by using a hat of disguise to appear as a human double she personally trained and cultivated." I read that to mean that she personally trained the real Raniyah.

Other than that, I like your villains, and I especially like that you've got two villains the PCs have to fight against. The adventure ties nicely in with the Pathfinder Society, and it makes sense that the PCs would be sent to retrieve the map.

I'm of two minds about the tier breakdown for the encounters. It seems like it takes up a lot of extra words in the proposal, but it could be that Josh wants to see how well you can put think through the tiers. That said, for consistency's sake, the final encounter needs to be as clear as the other encounters as to what the PCs will face exactly.

Thanks for allowing me to review your proposal. I enjoyed it, and I wish you luck in future submissions!

I invite you to look at my proposal, if you have time. You can find it here. Thanks!

Sovereign Court

taig wrote:

Hi, Elora. Here are my comments. I hope they are helpful:

** spoiler omitted **

Thanks for allowing me to review your proposal. I enjoyed it, and I wish you luck in future submissions!

Thanks for taking a look! I really appreciate everyone who takes the time to give me their perspective on my submission.

I did not realize just HOW confusing I had made Raniyah and her double. In my mind, it was perfectly clear that the "real Raniyah" was the medusa, with her human "double" being the "fake Raniyah". Double = Fake. Now I see that assumption was completely off base. I turned (what I thought) was a clever idea into a mess.

I think in future submissions, I will reserve a couple of friends to "cold read" my complete proposal. Lesson learned.

I'll comment on your submission either tonight or tomorrow.

Dark Archive

Cat Daemon wrote:

I can guess some of the reasons mine didn't make it through, but any feedback is welcome. I will do my best to respond in kind, as and when I can.

Hey there Cat Daemon. Knocked off some comments below. Good luck on the next round.

Spoiler:

-Medusa in PFS. Not certain about they’d accept a medusa in their ranks.
-Medusa could use a more damaging plot against the PFS other than luring a few adventurers.
-Obelisk not fleshed out. Where did it come from? Purpose? It seems to do too much (healing, chips, smuggling chutes, animate itself). For clarity, pick one concept. 4 hours doesn’t really allow for too much more.
-Encounter 1 needs more. RP encounters are good but need more action (interrogation, investigation the like)
-Don’t understand Encounter 2. The animals spontenously un-petrify?
-Encounter 3 needs more hazards, danger, development.
-Encounter 4 need more info on opponents (levels, CRs) How did the medusa and smugglers beat the party to the bottom?
-Encounter 5 – the obelisk coming animate is neat but isn’t really connected to what has happened before. Also last year’s RPG superstar winner had similar idea for the adventure proposal. Also escaping obelisk either needs more detail mechanically or more events (other than escaping swallow whole condition)
-Overall villain and the obelisk needed more thought. Some good starting points just didn’t feel like an integrated piece.

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