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I'm the Game Master on the 'Cosmic Crit' podcast, and our challenge to our listeners this month, and for anyone here on the Paizo boards, is to create Commercials you might hear/see on Absalom Station.
If you write up a script for us to use on the show, or record your own and send it to us at CosmicCrit@gmail.com, we are going to pick our favorites and send you a PDF of the Starfinder CRB or the Alien Archive when it comes out on the 17th. Some more details on the challenge can be found here on our website. Feel free to write up a submission and leave it below too.
We are taking them all month long for a fun bonus episode we are doing to raise money and support Paizo's Extra Life campaign. Take a look and join our team or donate to Team Paizo today.
Thanks in advance if you submit. We've had some great ones already written up and can't wait to see some more
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Still need to try out your 'cast (I've been doing the rounds finding the Starfinder startups that I enjoy), but I've definitely got some scripts for you. I'd record them too but mic quality isn't great right now. Here's a couple now, and I'll throw up some more later.
Submission One: Mega Monstercraft Rally
Announcer: ATTENTION ALL SENTIENT BEINGS. ATTENTION ALL SENTIENT BEINGS. This Fourthday prepare to have your eyes, ears and vestigial sensory appendages OBLITERATED. Likkle Finigan's Starship Overhaul and the Akitonian Embassy are proud to present MEGA MONSTERCRAFT MAYHEM only at the Stardust Memorial Arena featuring all your favorite 'craft including TAZDINGO TASERFACE, DEVILDROP and new from Eox, current champion 'craft BONE TOWN. Don't miss out on seeing the SMASH 'EM, MASH 'EM MAYHEM as well as Fogtown's fifth annual Hard Gases Dehydrated Jerky festival. Tickets start at only FIFTEEN CREDS and can be picked up on TickSticker or at any Shirreen Joe's Fried Fowl eatery on Station. The first 300 beings through the gate receive a Fogtown Aromatic Ale for FREE! FOURTHDAY, FOURTHDAY, FOURTHDAY! BE THERE!
Submission Two: Wang and Schischaisch Law Firm
"Lawyer" One (deadpan): My name is Harold Richard Wang.
"Lawyer" Two, Shirren: And I am Schect Schischaisch
"Lawyer" One (deadpan): And we are the founders and co-presidents of Wang, Schischaisch and Associates Law Firm.
"Lawyer" Two, Shirren: Between the two of us alone we have nearly 30 years of experience with legal situations.
"Lawyer" One (deadpan): Have you or someone you know been affected by Starship Insurance underpayment, been injured in an accident involving tricky non-sentient bio-organisms and lost one or more appendages, or perhaps are embroiled in a tricky divorce settlement with assets in multiple demiplanes?
"Lawyer" Two, Shirren: We can help!
"Lawyer" One (deadpan): We at Wang, Schischaisch and Associates can help you with these legal needs, and more!
"Lawyer" Two, Shirren: Contact us on the Stationnet, or find our offices in Arm Three, right next to Docking Bay 29C.
"Lawyer" One (deadpan): Don't be worried, don't be scared. Wang and Schischaisch will solve all your affairs.
Still need to try out your 'cast (I've been doing the rounds finding the Starfinder startups that I enjoy), but I've definitely got some scripts for you. I'd record them too but mic quality isn't great right now. Here's a couple now, and I'll throw up some more later.
These two are almost too good, I am worried people will be discouraged from posting after you. I just read them aloud and nearly threw my voice out growling "FOURTHDAY" over and over again. Awesome job!
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Hi, I'm Al Harrington, President and CEO of Al Harrington's Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man Emporium and Warehouse!
Thanks to a shipping error I am now currently overstocked on Level 1 Starships, and I am passing the savings on to yooooouuuu!
Paint it and attract customers to your business, make a splash at your next summer party, transport grandma, buy a gun and protect your crops, take the kids on vacation, make it a sweet sixteen!
Whatever your Level 1 Starship needs are!
So come on down to Al Harrington's Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man Emporium and Warehouse! Route 2 on Planet Weekapaug.
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"I"m Commander Sheppard, and this is my favorite store on the Citadel."
Don't worry, I'll bring the hurdle back down for everyone. :)
I have quite a large bit of rough text for a guided holographic tour of Absalom Station. If I was to have an advertisement thing for it would probably go...
(image of a holographic human woman appears)
(In a Cheery Synthetic Voice)
"Are you a new arrival on Absalom Station?
Are you looking to see some different sights?
Hi, I'm HALIE and I am with the Absalom Station Dept. of Tourism and we are here to help.
Whether your time on the Station is for business or pleasure, I'm sure we have everything you need as we receive hundreds of requests every year from businesses on Absalom Station to include their establishment in our high quality tour.
All you need to do is download the "Guided Holo-Tour" App from the Dept. of Tourism of site and I will do my best to guide you around the station.
I hope to see you there."
(Image waves, smiles, and fades)
Monotone Drone: "This advertisement paid for by the Absalom Dept. of Tourism"-
EDIT: Dang, ninja'ed twice as I typed that
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Do you need low-cost weapons, armour, even starships? Then come on down to Gorbo's Garbag- er, Good and High Quality Tech Shop! With fantastic clerks (that are definitely not space goblins trying to rob you) and no questions asked (except for "What's that behind you? Oh never mind thought I saw something"), what are you waiting for? So come down to Level 23 of the Spike, and look for the one rusty air vent that won't stop rattling. Gorbo's: Our doors are always open because the hinges broke.
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Wouldn't it be nice to know what your boyfriend, wife, host, or noncommital mating partner are -really- thinking?
Hi, I'm Xzcyronelirol, though I often go by my popular nickname, "giant floating Brian". If you want a look into the minds of your loved or tolerated ones, come on down to basement level 700, block CXZ, door 7 - the one with the curtains and vaugely exotic knickknacks - where I will show you how to open your n+1th eye!
(Read quickly): Program length and rates vary by species and psychic aptitude. No guarantee of success or survival.
---
(Brian is not a typo:D)
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Hi, I'm Al Harrington, President and CEO of Al Harrington's Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man Emporium and Warehouse!
The Blue Harvest episode actually had a version that might fit better:
Announcer: Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids! Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids! Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids!
Harrington: Hi I'm Darth Harrington of "Darth Harrington's Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids Emporium and Moon Base"! Due to a garbled subspace transmission, I am now currently over-stocked on Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids and I am passing the savings on to yooouuuu!
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Random 'ads' projected on the undersides of clouds from a Legion of Super-Heroes fanfic I wrote (adapted to better fit Starfinder);
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Overwhelmed by the seemingly endless distractions of our busy universe? Unable to focus on a single interest when 7 million channels are vying for your attention? Try Hocus-Focus, and find your concentration honed to a laser-like focus, not just ‘like’ magic, but by the actual magic of ancient alchemy! Hocus-Focus will give you the steady concentration and endless patience of a predatory animal! Warning: Do not continue taking Hocus-Focus if you begin excessively drooling or experience fantasies of stalking, attacking or cannibalizing other sentients, as this may be a sign of rare but serious condition.
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They Fight Crime 23! He’s a Lashunta pleasure-slave turned galactic mega-celebrity! She’s his bodyguard, a foul-mouthed, hard-drinking Kasatha ex-mercenary disavowed for ‘excessive force!’ Together, They Fight Crime!
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Get more action with the ActionPak Pleasure Torso!
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And a sillier than normal one that doesn't 'adapt' well;
Cryon-Disney, WarnerUniversal and ViaSoft Present; Aliens vs. Avatar vs. Dune vs. Predator vs. Star Wars! The epic crossover event, on the world of Pandora, ravaged by the xenomorph / yautja conflict, the mysterious ji-haluud Kwisatz Haderach known only as the Conqueror Worm engages in final conflict with Empress Myla Rel, Dark Lady of the Sith, for the fate of the galaxy!
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"This summer, the show that took the Pact Worlds by storm returns for it's fourth season: Pathfinder!
Set in a fictional reimagining of Old Golarion,
Journey back to a bygone age of heroes and villains on the most streamed dramatic series in holonet history!"
"So we threw a lot of big events at the end of last season and we really hope the fans are ready because they're in for a wild ride. Bigger battles, bigger special effects, and all the sex and violence that our audience can't seem to get enough of!"
[Scenes of a re-imagined, but largely inaccurate Inner Sea flash across the screen as J'jabrixx explains what the audience can expert for their favorite characters this season. Each new scene is painfully dissected once viewed online as tv fans try desperately to figure out spoilers without actually spoiling the story while fans of the Inner Sea book series turn their nose up at all the changes the producers made to the book. [/ooc]
"When we last left Hamon Half-Elven and Cassandra Egorian, they were on the run after finally admitting their love for one another. Cassandra's family in Cheliax have sent an assassin known as the Black Knife into the Riverlands to find them. But as the two attractive lovers arrive in Daggermark, get ready for the sex scene that fans have been waiting three years for!"
"Then in Highhelm, Ventrue-Captain Ivar Heavyaxe and his Half-Orc stepbrother, Birch, must choose between their loyalty to the Pathfinders or their loyalty to the Dwarven High King as Chancellor Shortbeard schemes to take the throne! Get ready for the death scene fans have been waiting three years for!"
"Now in total control of Korvosa after years of scheming, Duke Blackthorne and his band of corrupted Gray Maidens continue their reign of terror! Get ready for the uncomfortable sex scene no one has been waiting for!"
"Across the sea in Osirion, Aziz the Shining and the Swords of Nethys confront an ancient evil and fail terribly! Get ready for the death scene of a fan favorite character literally no one has been waiting for!"
"Elisha Teldrissil returns to the Mordant Spire in the hopes of finding her missing brother! Get ready for a sex scene and a death scene...that the fans have been waiting for!"
"Finally, after being sold into slavery, Human brawler Ten-Leg Meg and her halfling boss, Reginald Proudtoe, are forced into the fighting pits where they'll have to kill to survive! Get ready for a variety of sex scenes and death scenes and vaguely sexy death scenes and at least one violent blood orgy that the fans may have been waiting for but in hindsight they won't enjoy it at all because we've lost all perspective on what is good taste."
"And as always, the Whispering Tyrant is still out there waiting...for another three seasons because undead armies are expensive and we've already blown up two castles by episode five."
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[Shirren Announcer Voice]
"Are you looking for a great place for a night out, or maybe somewhere to take those special someones? How about a place for a great time with the family? Well look no more!
"Grab your special lady, your Host with the most, heck bring the grubs, and come on down to Shirricol Bar and Grill! We have hundreds of different foods, drinks, and other perfectly safe and legal substances for the whole family to enjoy! Salads, sandwiches, sodas, soups! We have scallops, we have flan, we have more breads than you can shake a Skittermander at! We even have steaks from no less than fifteen different critters from seven different worlds, cooked (or not!) just the way you like them!
"So what are you waiting for, grab the family and come on down to Shirricol Bar and Grill today. You won't regret it."
[Quiet and fast read]
"Shirricol Bar and Grill is not responsible for any injury, physical or mental, received while in or after leaving Shirricol Bar and Grill. Side effects of attending Shirricol Bar and Grill may include choice paralysis, excessive giddyness, intoxication, addiction to substances both legal and illegal, and in some rare cases possibly even death. Consult your doctor about any possible food or substance related allergies before attending Shirricol Bar and Grill.
[Normal Shirren Announcer again]
"So remember, come on down to Shirricol Bar and Grill today!"
[Deep half-orc voice]
What is happening brutaris fans! It is your host, Gorgamog the Smasher, bringin' you nonstop brutaris action seven days a week. I know you're all itchin' to hear the latest updates, so let's get STARTED! The Smasha' Boyz, the reigning champs in Absalom Station have been on a bit of a slump recently. The Smasha' Boyz got smashed by an underdog team from Akiton, the Maro Mutilators! That was somethin'! Now, a word from our corporate sponsors.
[Female lashunta voice]
Come to the luxurious Tikana Beach Resort and Casino on Castrovel, where the system's richest and most fabulous go to see and be seen, playing all day and playing even harder all night!
Some really amazing posts here already, I can already tell you I think some of these might get picked as our favorites, but I want to read and record almost all of them.
Keep up the great work, and still plenty of time if people have more.
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"Can unknown aliens sneak into your domicile and spy on your larvea? Grievous grey guppygrabbers, next on Sick Sad World."
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POLITICAL CAMPAIGN AD:
*Scene: all black-and-white; an exterior shot of the front entrance to a run-of-the-mill, but gaily decorated private residence; spooky music echoes like a heartbeat as attractive human teens happily celebrate some kind of party together inside; new guests, all human teens, enter and are welcomed by the happy, pretty, host and hostess*
*after a few seconds of this, the camera closes in in a slow, bobbing motion, accompanied by the sound of slow, clicking footsteps; when the camera reaches the door, the host and hostess welcome...whoever it is in; a long, dark shadow then falls across both the host and hostess's abdomens: That of a Shirren arm, reaching downward; the camera cutting out just before the shadow falls over their pelvic regions*
*the spooky heartbeat-music speeds up dramatically as the scene cuts to a series of hospital rooms, each one containing one of the happy, pretty human teens from the party, now strapped, screaming, to hospital beds with pulsating, distended stomachs, girls and boys alike; the music becomes a shrill shriek and cuts from room to room speed up further, showing only shadows on the wall as the teens' swollen abdomens burst open to release tiny growling insectoids*
*music halts, cut to black; a caption in simple, bold letters fades in:*
WHO ARE WE HOSTING?
*fade in, now in color, to a small, gleaming 1-person fighter ship parked in front of Starstone Cathedral; calm, but strong, keyboard and brass music now plays; standing in front of the ship is a middle-aged Human male with a big square jaw and short graying hair, dressed in a worn - clearly from much use rather than lack of care - Absalom Station soldier/security uniform and carrying a large, immaculately-kept pump-action laser rifle - he addresses the camera:*
"I'm Constantine Tilernos. My family defended the people of Golarion from threats both alien and internal since before the Gap. Today, I'm proud to continue that tradition. I've been all over the Pact Worlds in my tours of duty, and I'm proud to say I think there is no place better than Absalom Station. This is my home, and my family's home. These days, though, it seems like we're infested with more problems than ever, and that's why I'm running for a seat on the High Council. Won't you support me? Together..."
*pauses to pump laser rifle*
"...we can finally clean the bugs out of our system."
"I'm Constantine Tilernos, and I approve this message."
FINIS
Some of these have been great and fun commercials that make me laugh, but I thought I would give a friendly reminder in the sake of fair competition that these are supposed to be Radio Commercials for purposes of the Podcast contest. They are audio-only so the more detailed scripts with description/stage direction may not be viable. (Note: I am not part of the Podcast and have not spoken with them, I just thought I should point it out.)
Otherwise, I gave Cosmic Crit a listen and so far am enjoying it! Still need to catch up to current, but it's certainly in my top 2 for Starfinder casts right now alongside Rogue Exposure.
Some of these have been great and fun commercials that make me laugh, but I thought I would give a friendly reminder in the sake of fair competition that these are supposed to be Radio Commercials for purposes of the Podcast contest. They are audio-only so the more detailed scripts with description/stage direction may not be viable. (Note: I am not part of the Podcast and have not spoken with them, I just thought I should point it out.)
Otherwise, I gave Cosmic Crit a listen and so far am enjoying it! Still need to catch up to current, but it's certainly in my top 2 for Starfinder casts right now alongside Rogue Exposure.
We love Rogue Exposure too. Besides a great game and audio quality, they happen to be some of the nicest people in gaming. We consider them our sister podcast and it definitely worth giving them a listen if you like us, and vice versa.
As far as the competition goes, we can read some stage directions, setting things in a visual sense, but the commercials will work better if they are mainly audio. This thread I can already tell we are going to be using a lot from, so keep up the great work and I can't wait to read more.
The image on the holo-screen is of a handsome drow male, with short pearl-white hair and a chiselled jaw. He's clad in a sparkling golden suit and smiling right at you
"Greetings, people of Absalom. My name is Decaminus Vonnarc, Deca to most, and I have an offer for you."
"The ultimate vacation, with excitement, relaxation, good company and all the wonders of the Pact Worlds under one roof."
Behind the drow, a series of images play, showing well appointed rooms with a variety of styles; some with dark marble and onyx tones, others with soothing greens and purples, and more that seem to imitate the architecture of various Pact Worlds. Aballon's sleek metallics, to the curved ceramics of the Idari. All well lit, with happy smiling guests of various races being served by well dressed drow, with just a handful of orcs in dark suits lurking in the background.
"This is the Golden Dice, the greatest hotel, casino and performance venue I've ever seen. We have chefs from Castrovel, musicians from Akiton and Eox, singers and dancers from across the spheres, and a gambling hall verified by AbadarCorp's Office of Statistics as the largest in all the universe. Roulette, Harrowmarc, Riddle-War, Nivirhom: we play it, we love it, and we're always willing to put a few credits down in the name of a good time."
"If the war of wits or performance art doesn't take your fancy though, our guests take day trips all across the system, adventuring in the wild or relaxing in the sun before returning to the lap of luxury, thanks to the aid of our in house magical team. One day you're relaxing on the beeches of Verces, the next you're on safari through the jungles of Asana, hunting megafauna. And of course, you'll be taking trophies back home with you."
"So, if you're interested in excitement, glory and luxury, talk to your local travel agent about a vacation to the Golden Dice on Nightarch. Security will drive you straight from the spaceport to the finest hall on Apostate, where we'll see to your every need. And for those of you who enjoy Nivirhom..."
Deca withdraws a small white chip from his suit, holding it up with a smile and a wink as the ad closes.
"I'll be waiting."
A small cluster of white text lingers for a moment. 'This advertisement brought to you by the Apostate Chamber of Commerce, Tourism and Interplanetary Trade'
I'm back, and I bring two more submissions because why not?
Submission 3: Soothe the Beast
Male VO, Panicked: Captain, it's no use. Lieutenant Vraikel has lost control, she's already tore up her bunk and the mess and she's on her way here to the command deck!
Female VO, Calm: Not a problem, Corporal. There's a reason why we took on a Vesk Lieutenant even if she does have some anger problems. Leave it to me.
SFX: Roaring and clanging.
Female VO, Commanding: Lieutenant, control yourself. What's gotten into you?
Male VO, Panicked: She's not listening, Captain!
Female VO: Lieutenant, here. Take this.
SFX: Pop can opening. Drinking sound.
Vesk VO: Ah, thank you Captain. I don't know what came over me.
Female VO: You were just hungry Lieutenant, and we ALL get a little beastly when we're hungry. Thankfully I had that PepFill Elite on hand, you should feel like your usual self in no time.
Male 2 VO, Deep: Sarcesian PepFill Elite, if it can keep a Sarcesian energized in the cold void of space, it can soothe the hungry beast in your one-or-more stomachs. Sarcesian PepFill Elite is a valid meal replacement or supplement for most carbon-based lifeforms, just ask your local physician if PepFill Elite is what you need to get through the day.
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Submission 4: Awkward PSA
SFX: Soothing Music
Female VO: Love, in all it's various forms, sometimes leads to hurt. Often that hurt is emotional, but sometimes it can also be physical, such as the kind of hurt that anyone living on Absalom Station and owns a Stellar Uplift Steam and Sauna can afford to be unaware of. Yes, I am talking about Absalom Uplift Steam and Sauna Orifice Pustule Seepage. This painful and incurable disease can make a relaxing and cleansing time with family, friends and non-sentient pet into literally an unforgettable experience. If you catch Absalom Uplift Steam and Sauna Orifice Pustule Seepage, not only will you live with each of your orifices lined with angry, painful pustules on your mouths, rectums, feeding tubes, and other sensitive sensory organs, you will also smell like the exhaust port of a wasteship finishing it's rounds out in the Armada. Don't jump into the Steam Bath without looking at the bottom of the tank first because if you get Absalom Uplift Steam and Sauna Orifice Pustule Seepage, it'll really just burn your ass.
Male VO: This has been a public service announcement sponsored by the Absalom Citizens Against A-U-S-S-O-P-S Foundation. Absalom Uplift Steam and Sauna Orifice Pustule Seepage, we won't just stand there and let it happen.
Thank you for this AMAZING thread -- we got so many incredible submissions for this challenge, many of which were from this board. You guys are some creative and hilarious people.
You can listen to our Extra Life Game Day Special Episode here to see if your submission made the cut ;) :
Submission:
Announcer: "Brewmaster Ale presents - Real Galactic Heroes..."
Background singer: ("Real Galactic Heroes!")
Announcer: "Today we salute you, Mr. Point Man for an Adventuring Party..."
Background singer: ("Mr. Point Man for an Adventuring Party...")
Announcer: "Without you, we'd be forced to do the unthinkable and put our own lives at risk by venturing into the unknown."
Background singer: ("I ain't goin' in there!")
Announcer: "But you sir, you forage on ahead."
Background singer: ("Better you than me!")
Announcer: "Maybe you're fearless like the Paladins of old... Or... Maybe you're just really not that bright...
Background singer: ("You're really kinda stupid!")
Announcer: "Either way you keep the rest of the party safe, risking life and limb, knowing that if you die... You ain't getting your share of the take."
Background singer: ("You need a better contract!")
Announcer: "So crack open an ice cold Brewmaster Ale you selfless guardian of your allies... You've earned it."
Background singer: ("Certainly glad you're here!")
Announcer: "Brewmaster Ale, Red District, Absalom Station, please drink responsibly."
you, sir, have won the thread.
Seriously, close the thread now. Nothing's beating this.