The Hero’s Breath
Aura faint evocation; CL 3rd
Slot shield; Price 11,970 gp; Weight 15 lbs.
Description
This +1 heavy steel shield is adorned with a humanoid face that appears to be shouting a battle cry. When a command word is spoken, the shield’s mouth breathes inward with tremendous force, instantly absorbing an area of air or vapor in a 20-foot radius. This act removes inhaled poisons and the effects of vapor-based spells such as fog cloud, stinking cloud, and acid fog. It does not, however, absorb liquids or solids. Air elementals, individuals transformed by a gaseous form spell, and other gaseous creatures with a movement rate can resist this pull and are not affected.
Once inhaled, the vapor is stored in an extradimensional space until released. When the command word is spoken again, the mouth opens and projects the stored vapor toward any target point with 60 feet. If normal air is stored in the shield, this projection duplicates the effects of a gust of wind spell. Otherwise, the effect of the absorbed vapor is released with the target point serving as the effect’s point of origin. The full effect of the stored poison or spell is duplicated in full for one round, after which the vapors dissipate.
The shield can only hold one vapor type at a time and must expel its contents before absorbing anything else.
Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, gust of wind; Cost 6,070 gp
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
Some formatting issues. Moving around gasses is pretty cool but has been done before in Superstar. Given the inexpensive nature and ease of defeating a cloud compared to, say, cloudwrangler's gloves, it seems like people at high enough wealth would just always buy one of these, not use it as a shield, and then just pull it out every time there was a cloud (releasing when there isn't a fight to make sure it's always empty). Despite using gust of wind, it is in fact a direct spell in a can of the 4th-level spell absorbing inhalation at will(!), though even more powerful and crazily underpriced for an item that works every time with no limit, thus eliminating all threat of cloud attacks for the rest of the game. Vote to Reject.
This was sloppy, overpowered, and either (most likely) missing the obvious spell referent or else (less likely) intentionally avoiding mention to try to seem less like a SiaC, so the author is definitely going to have to work extra hard to convince me to vote for their work in future rounds.
Hi there! I'll be one of the judges for this round, and I'll be looking at a couple of key points for your item: flavor, usability, and how the item is presented. For some background, I helped found the Wayfinder fanzine before I started working for Paizo, and I oversee every third-party Pathfinder Roleplaying Game product that makes its way onto Paizo.com.
Flavor
I like this item, but I wasn't expecting a shield by the name.
Usability
I don't often look at magical shields, but this is the sort of thing that would be handy for PCs in a dungeon crawl. Good potential to bypass some traps.
Presentation
Spell name isn't italicized in the construction, and the purchase price is off.
Final Thoughts
A magical shield that has some potential in non-combat situations. I do recommend this item for advancement.
Kept.
Modules Overlord
|
My approach to judging these items is "How would I approach this as a developer?" If I would be pleased by the turnover and not see any reason to give negative feedback to the writer, that's great! If I'd keep it but it would take a lot of work or I'd want to let the writer know what needed improvement, that's fine but not perfect. If I'd scrap the item because it would be faster to write new material myself, that's bad.
It's not easy to make a shield seem useful as a utility item while still thematically reading as a shield, and this does that well. There are minor issues that would need to be fixed, and some mechanical questions that need to be addressed. Does an absorbed magic vapor effect continue to have its duration run? (The answer should be yes.) Is there a reason to say the "full effect" is "duplicated in full?" (No.) And there are italicization and cost issues.
But the idea is still interesting, and the fixes would be fairly minor.
Congrats, Charlie, this was another of my favorites. I have to admit, I wasn't familiar with the spell Mark referenced, but there are a lot of spells to keep track of.
Oddly, I didn't see this as at all similar to the cloudwrangler's gloves, which I was a fan of. I felt that this was more a keep-and-use-later type of item whereas that was a change-the-area-of-effect type of item.
Congrats, Your item seems like it was originally made to be a wondrous item (Bellows perhaps?) that you made in to a shield at the last second. Very over powered and unbalancing from a GM's perspective. Good luck in the next round.
Needs a few adjustments to price and mechanics to deal with some O.P issues, but the flavor and design shows potential. The writer shows they can create an interesting item.
If nothing else, a reason to use the Orik Vandercaskin Mini from Rise of the Rune Lords.
I would like to see your next submission less cartoony, and a bit more "grown up".
Keep.
I upvoted this item quite a bit.
In defense of the designer, absorbing inhalation is one of those race specific spells that you're never really going to read unless you play that race/class combination.
Congrats on making it into the Top 32! There were a number of items this year that exhaled/vomited/spewed forth various liquids, gases, and/or blasts and this one was among my favorites! I agree that hero's breath is critically underpriced (which, truthfully, is an easy fix), but it was the imagery that really grabbed me (whenever this came up during voting, I kept envisioning the bearded faces of the sewer passages in Diablo III).
For what it's worth, cloud effects have come up so seldom in my gaming experience, as both a player and a GM, that it doesn't read as game-breaking to my eyes.
I'm not a fan of this, and it didn't help that it was one of a bunch of breathing/inhaling/extra dimensional storage space shields. The name doesn't do anything for me either.
Ultimately, I just don't think it has enough utility. Seems quite niche and ultra specific.
I like the description in the first paragraph, and I like what it is capable of - I just think the root ability could be expanded and made more generically applicable. There is a lot of caveats in the item, and it also seems like that is only the tip of the iceberg and potentially a table-argument-crashing iceberg at that.
I like this item a lot for the imagery... makes me think of the old Superman comics where he pulled stunts like this a lot. I'm also one of those people who constantly hunts for inventory items to get rid of g&%*@$n obscuring mist... This is more expensive than a goz mask, so it would still be off my list for that, ha, but, I was definitely favorably inclined to this one the first time I read it.
If anything, I think I'd be tempted to make it more powerful, which is not how I usually feel about these items. Why not let it suck up people under gaseous form-type abilities? That imagery is even cooler than just getting rid of smog. :) Of course, an according price increase would need to accompany that, but yeah.
Good job, overall. I can't think of any significant criticism.
eta Ah, thought of one crit: I really am not crazy about the name.
I really liked this one! Definitely my favourite shield, and I think I upvoted it every time.
On first read, I was a bit skeptical that this should work as a shield - how often do you really encounter gasses? But on closer reading I saw the ability to swallow air and expel it as a gust of wind, which is a lovely touch.
My one crit: for the price, I feel this ability should be capped somehow!
Aha! One of my favorites! I really liked this item Charlie! Well done! Now on to the bashing...I mean critiquing :)
The name is good, I would have dropped the "The" but not a big deal at all.
Great opening sentence.
GREAT first function with cinematic flair, breathing in a cloud or vapor. And this is priced to be useful when those effects are still a pain in the rear. I also love the idea that it is in a small radius...this thing is basically making a labyrinth inside a cloud or fog or whatever. Cool!
I don't know that you needed to specify extradimensional space, and I don't see anything in the crafting requirements that allow for it. I would probably say the inside of the shield is hollow and then there is another ability to keep it trapped and use the shield itself as a "revenge" type thing if it gets sundered.
Great thinking allowing folks to store normal air in the shield!
I would also give this a 1x per day use to help temper abuse.
Your template use was slightly off, Template Fu will be fed by this.
Overall, I really liked the writing here and the functionality. You need to expand your knowledge a bit on spells as Mark commented on. Swing harder for the fences in R2 and I can't wait to see what you do.
Congrats Charlie!
I liked this one a lot, most of the issues have been discussed above. I liked the visuals,and this got my vote pretty much everytime I saw it.
I wonder if the CL should be at least 5th, since that is the pre-req for Craft magic arms and armor.
good luck in round 2
Not a huge fan of this item, it is basically a "keep in bag of holding until that specific situation happens" item, which while probably necessary in pathfinder doesn't seem very superstar to me. Mechanically it is reasonably executed, but woefully underpriced.
Congratulations on making the top 32.
I am not fond of at will use items. I'm just not overly fond of them. If priced correctly (which is an issue), they are typically too expensive for how often you really need them.
However, what I do like about this item is the visuals, which are both strong and evocative, so that part is definitely a strength. As mechanics and such goes, it could be much, much more elegant.
I don't know about the "humanoid face" I tend to like specific imagery, not picks something you find appropriate imagery.
Congratulations on making the Top 32, I upvoted this a few times during voting and it was one of a very small selection of shields that I actually enjoyed. I had never heard of the spell that Mark references either but it does illustrate one of the challenges that designers have when proposing ideas for such a well developed game…fortunately enough voters saw past that (or were similarly unaware) to get you to this point.
The imagery evoked by this item is pretty fun but I do wonder what process led to it being a shield; other than the shield giving physical space for the humanoid face, it does seem that this could equally be a ring or suchlike? Having said that, making it a heavy shield does stop (or at least discourage) people from storing it as a useful standby item in a Bag of Holding.
One of my key tests as a voter was whether I would use this as a player or as a GM…and, for your item, I think I’d happily use it on either side of the screen…
Congratulations on making the Top 32! Great job!
I really liked this shield! The image of inhaling gas attacks and then releasing them later was very cool. One of my favorites of the mouth-shields which seemed to be a minor trope this year. All that said, the name was a bit weak and there are some pricing issues. Not enough of a problem for me to down-vote it very much though.
Congratulations on making it to the Top 32!
Probably my second favourite shield this year. I really like the imagery and various gas attacks and obstacles don't come up in a game often enough that this would be overpowered. Rather it's exactly the sort of item you'd like to give to your players to see what they could do with it.
I also sort of wish that it could do something to air elementals and the like - at least inconvenience them momentarily - but that would hike up the price, so perhaps not.
I upvoted this a lot and I'm glad it advanced. The best of luck!
Congratulations, Charlie! This was one of my personal top 32, love the effect especially on a shield (in your defense, I'd never heard of absorbing inhalation). Looking forward to more of your imaginative work!
Congratulations, Charlie!
This item made it into my personal Top 32. Well done!
Good luck for the next round!
Most of what I would have written about this item has already been said, but I have one comment I haven't seen elsewhere. I really dislike the name of this one -- it doesn't have enough connection to what the item is to be memorable (who is the hero? How do I know this is a shield?) The reason I bring this up is that this item had a very prominent position on the exit poll that circulated after voting and when I saw the poll, I though "Hmm, 'The Hero's Breath', an awful lot of people like that one and I remember seeing one of that name, but I don't remember what it was at all". After the top 32 reveal, I though "Oh yeah, that one was pretty good." But not remembering the item from its name is a problem. Otherwise, I mostly like this item.
Congratulations!
RPG Superstar 2008 Top 32, 2011 Top 16
,
Star Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka JoelF847
|
I liked this item, I felt that the automatic success was balanced by being limited to a fairly small set of effects it interacted with, but agree that it should have a limit - probably 2-3/day, and that it could only hold stored gasses for an hour, to prevent it being an extra spell slot for someone to cast acid fog, then store it indefinitely until they released it.
I didn't have an issue with the price - sure someone COULD have one in storage in their bag of holding until the right time to use it, but that's true for an awful lot of magic items. It's still pricey enough that anyone that wants one "just in case" is then spending their treasure on backup items rather than getting just another +1 added to their main items, or whatever. I think specialty items like this should be on the less expensive side, to actually get them used. If it was 30,000 gp, who would ever buy it (other than the nameless NPCs that buy magic items PCs never want).
Why am I critiquing every item? Well, frankly, I love this sort of thing. I sincerely enjoy editing and the art of the critique. I have long considered starting a blog to that end, and maybe this will be the kickstart I need. Speaking of which, if you want to hire an editor, I'd be happy to help ;)
Regardless, the point of my criticism is always to help. Nothing is perfect, so everything can potentially be made better. My comments will often be less than flattering, but they will never come from a place of malice. The point here is to make your item better, not to make you feel bad.
So, what am I looking for, here, when I judge these items? My primary focus is on rules knowledge, clarity/simplicity, and usability. You can come up with the most creative item on the planet, but if nobody is going to actually use it in a real game, who cares? And it doesn't matter if nobody uses it because it's obviously too strong, too weak for its price, too confusing/complicated to actually adjudicate at the table, or just too niche to have an actual target audience.
Now, let's get to the critique!
As always, congratulations on making the top 32. No matter what I thought of your item, you won, and you should feel awesome!
The Hero's Breath
First, this is a shield? I disbelieve. This is clearly a wondrous item that got shoehorned into being a shield. You can't just put a face on a shield and give it a totally unrelated-to-being-a-shield power.
On to the actual effect, which is sloppily written. It removes air and "vapor." Does it affect smoke, dust clouds, or ash? It doesn't work on solids--what about Solid Fog? Why does it only last one round when spit out again? What's with all the "full effect" language when most gas spells are only fully effective with a duration greater than one round?
I normally don't nitpick price or construction requirements, but where's the Absorbing Inhalation spell here (edit: sorry, I realize now that Mark picked on this issue, too)? This item creates a slightly altered version of this 4th level spell, but only has a caster level of 3?! It also has no chance of failure! And look at that price! At the very least, ignoring all of the special cloud/poison stuff that this is good for, this item provides at-will Gust of Wind, which is a 2nd level spell. The bare minimum price for an at-will Gust of Wind should be 12,000 gp, and frankly, the Spell level x CL x 2000 price is widely regardly as too little for such a thing anyway. Then consider that this is also a +1 Shield to boot, and it is easy to see that it is severely undercosted.
I was also under the impression that the judges would look down on items that made adventuring easier. This basically removes gas/fog/poison clouds as a danger. Isn't that kind of the definition of making adventuring safer?
If my party found this item, we would keep it and use it all the time. It is way underpriced and too useful. If we could, every party I am a part of would have one made. It is way too good and shows poor understanding of how the rules work and interact. I do not believe I ever voted for this after the cull, sorry.
Star Voter Season 8
|
Congratulations, I didn't see this item while voting, but while it is functional I feel, that you could have taken a greater risk with this ability. The item doesn't really need to have unlimited uses per day, 1-2 uses per day should be plenty.
Something transformative, like concentrating the noxious vapors into a poison that has to be delivered with a shield bash or an element of risk (maybe a chance that the captures gasses leak each round) would have made a compelling case for using your item, instead of a shield and a wand of[i]gust of wind. /i]
Good luck in the next round, while your item did't blow me away, your map still has the potential to amaze everybody.
The Hero’s Breath
Aura faint evocation; CL 3rd
Slot shield; Price 11,970 gp; Weight 15 lbs.Description
This +1 heavy steel shield is adorned with a humanoid face that appears to be shouting a battle cry. When a command word is spoken, the shield’s mouth breathes inward with tremendous force, instantly absorbing an area of air or vapor in a 20-foot radius. This act removes inhaled poisons and the effects of vapor-based spells such as fog cloud, stinking cloud, and acid fog. It does not, however, absorb liquids or solids. Air elementals, individuals transformed by a gaseous form spell, and other gaseous creatures with a movement rate can resist this pull and are not affected.Once inhaled, the vapor is stored in an extradimensional space until released. When the command word is spoken again, the mouth opens and projects the stored vapor toward any target point with 60 feet. If normal air is stored in the shield, this projection duplicates the effects of a gust of wind spell. Otherwise, the effect of the absorbed vapor is released with the target point serving as the effect’s point of origin. The full effect of the stored poison or spell is duplicated in full for one round, after which the vapors dissipate.
The shield can only hold one vapor type at a time and must expel its contents before absorbing anything else.
Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, gust of wind; Cost 6,070 gp
Is the Item Decorative?
It's a steel shield, so not very decorative in and of itself, although it has possibilities as a wall decoration. The face improves its decorative utility slightly, although without details (such as whether said face is embossed, for example) I consider it unreasonable to raise the score for decorative value much on account of that embellishment. And of course the decorative value is hampered further on account of the face being humanoid - there are times where 'subtle' is not effective, and in this case something much more obviously 'monstrous' (a dragon, for example) or fanciful (a stylised 'wind' blowing) would make it considerably more attractive a feature.
Decorative score? 2 out of 7.
Does the Item have Any Obvious non-Decorative Use Around the Home?
None that don't require convoluted exercise of the imagination - which to be frank I'd prefer to reserve for other things right now.
non-Decorative Domestic Use score? 0 out of 7.
Does the Item seem Likely to be Helpful in the Fantasy Setting of an Imaginary World where 'Operation Sealion' is taking Place?
So the (for simplicity's sake) Nasties are lining up with all their little boats to launch an invasion-attempt across a strait upon a nation of perfectly (socially) harmless tea-drinkers. And then there's this item.
So what impact is this item likely to have on proceedings?
Ah. Now this item gets truly interesting if any 'Sealion' gets to a beach phase of proceedings, since at that point one or both sides might be very interested in the use of gases (poisonous or otherwise) or the containment thereof. This item could see quite a bit of use during any beach-fighting.
'Sealion' score? 4 out of 7.
Total: 6 out of 21.
Dedicated Voter Season 8
|
The Hero’s Breath
Congratulations on making Top 32. As part of learning how to design items, I'm trying to take the time to review as many as I can and learn from the experience. Take anything I have to say with a grain of salt, because you clearly already have what it takes to impress the community and the judges.
First off, I want to say that shields are a design space sorely lacking in the Core Rules. I'm not terribly impressed with any of the magic shields in the Core Rulebook, so I was really hoping to see some good entries this year. I'm sorry to say I think this one fell short.
First of all, there's a disconnect between the description and the effect. When I read the mechanics, I see something that looks more like the old maps with the blowing clouds than a shouting face. Secondly, the mechanic itself is very cool, but seems like too much of an "Easy Button" for one circumstance and worthless outside of that one circumstance. Something that always works should cost more, I think. At this price point, it should have a chance of failure.
The effect reminds me of the trap-stealer's rod, but the rod is more expensive, has other uses outside the big one, and the user has to succeed on a roll before the big ability can activate.
Congrats again.
Congratulations for having made it to the Top 32, sorry you didn't move on.
Sorry I'm late to the party, I hadn't realized how big a task commenting on everyone else's items was going to be in the Official Critique Thread!
Seeing as how many other people have commented above me, and you've moved well on from this point... I'm going to keep my comments brief. To understand my rating system, see my larger post on my critique thread.
As an overall comment, each and every one of you that made it to the Top 32 must have had a "Publishable" item in my opinion because you appealed to not only the voters but also the judges -- so if I say "Rewrite" it's more to be "rewriteable to be SUPERSTAR!"
Publishable -- I liked the basic idea, but I did't like the specific design of a face that "breathed in" the gas... it makes sense but I just wasn't sold. I like that it could collect air elementals and people in gaseous form, etc.
The Hero’s Breath
Congratulations Charlie!
I apologize this is coming too late to do you any good this round, but it does apply to next so I hope you come back :)
This was one of my favorite items during voting. Granted I imagined the lion's shield rather than a humanoid face, but that is a minor detail. Shield's protect and if that is all it did, this would have been meh. This shield protects against something a shield would normally be useless against. It could even be readied against a green dragon's or iron golem's breath weapon, which is pretty cool. I agree it should have some use limits and that spells inside should expire. You did address the potential gaseous critter (though I would have liked it to affect them somehow) and you added a use for regular air. This is a sign of good designer. (I'd hope to use the shield to take 2 deep breaths before diving for example).
Nice work, hope to see you back next year. :)