I heard Paul Hogan say this once. I paraphrased it.
Americans and Australians are partners in crime. The ones quick enough to get away went to America. The ones who got caught were sent to Australia.
I like that one. Sad but true (as all my folks were apparently "quick enough".) ;D
It was never about the dysentery or scalpings. Have you eaten their "food"? :)
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Okay. Now consider: Fish and chips is, FAR AND AWAY, the most delicious part of the british cuisine.
Madam,
I believe you hail from the frozen north of Europa? Where rotten fish is considered a delicacy? I would be careful of throwing stones on our ancient culinary traditions from that glass house.
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I couldn't think of any American jokes about Americans - we need some! There are plenty of jokes about specific areas of America. I searched for some jokes about Americans but most of the ones I found were probably derived in another country. They were really funny though. I liked this one:
An American was telling one of his favorite jokes to a group of friends. "Hell is a place where the cooks are British, the waiters are French, the policemen are Germans, and the trains are run by Italians."
The lone European in the group pondered all this for a second and responded, "I can't say about the police and the trains, but you're probably right about going out to eat. A restaurant in Hell would be one where the cooks are British and the waiters are French - and the customers are all Americans."
The version I've heard is:
European heaven is: British police, French cooks, German mechanics, Swiss bureaucrats and Italian lovers.
European hell is: British cooks, French mechanics, German police, Swiss lovers and Italian bureaucrats.
Madam,
I believe you hail from the frozen north of Europa? Where rotten fish is considered a delicacy? I would be careful of throwing stones on our ancient culinary traditions from that glass house.
Oh, I am from Ultima Thule, as you say. And apart from our surströmming, there is much to like about the Swedish cuisine. So-called "delicacies" are the russian roulette of eating. Gamalost, tripes a la mode, natte... really, be careful. But when you set your teeth in a british sausage, you'll find yourself starting to doubt things... things like if it was truly atomic bombs they dropped in 1945. *shudders*
But when you set your teeth in a british sausage, you'll find yourself starting to doubt things... things like if it was truly atomic bombs they dropped in 1945. *shudders*
Hey now, you leave our emulsified high-fat offal tubes alone! ;)
(come to think of it, that's probably the best course of action!)
Tole ya.
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Oh, I am from Ultima Thule, as you say. And apart from our surströmming, there is much to like about the Swedish cuisine. So-called "delicacies" are the russian roulette of eating. Gamalost, tripes a la mode, natte... really, be careful. But when you set your teeth in a british sausage, you'll find yourself starting to doubt things... things like if it was truly atomic bombs they dropped in 1945. *shudders*Madam,
I believe you hail from the frozen north of Europa? Where rotten fish is considered a delicacy? I would be careful of throwing stones on our ancient culinary traditions from that glass house.
British cuisine, the Earth's equivalent of Pratchett's Dwarf bread.
British cuisine, the Earth's equivalent of Pratchett's Dwarf bread.
There is a very good reason I cook Mexican, Chinese, or European as often as possible :)
(and if I can figure out how to make gluten-free pizza dough, I could even cook American! ;) )
But when you set your teeth in a british sausage, you'll find yourself starting to doubt things... things like if it was truly atomic bombs they dropped in 1945. *shudders*
At the risk of starting a topic of conversation the world is not ready for, perhaps you just bit into the wrong sausage. If you got it battered and fried in a chip shop (or Army Surplus store), it will be the stuff of nightmares. Properly made at your local butcher's and it'll be an experience you'll treasure forever, which may be a slight exaggeration.
Cuisine could be one reason why we a) went to war with France so often and b) put so much effort into conquering India. Having said that, I like traditional British cuisine and could happily eat it for the rest of my life, even if it is cut short by a massive coronary at a tragically young age as a consequence.
Plenty of brown sauce helps.
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Seriously, bread pudding.
With brown sauce.
Hmm full English breakfast with black pudding. English food isn't bad it's just stodgy. Australian food is multi-ethnic and very diverse in the cities, once you get into the countryside it's mostly meat and traditionally British/Irish.
I was in Scotland once (only, so far), the typical breakfast there was probably the way it was to lay the base for whisky tasting the whole day over - at least thats what we did. ;-) Otherwise, it is the reason why people in the UK are said to have worlds highest ratio of coronar diseases and deaths.
I was in Scotland once (only, so far), the typical breakfast there was probably the way it was to lay the base for whisky tasting the whole day over - at least thats what we did. ;-) Otherwise, it is the reason why people in the UK are said to have worlds highest ratio of coronar diseases and deaths.
Well, according to this ranking we're actually doing pretty well (155th, ahead of the Germans and Swedes :) ). Not necessarily definitive, though...
I've had spotted dick, too
As well as a hot suet pudding with dried fruit, commonly served with custard HA HA HAohgodkillmenow.
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I was in Scotland once
I think this just might be the bestest joke in the thread ;-)))
Yeah, I tried watching "Angel's Share" without subtitles. Gave up after 20 minutes.I once listened to an Australian and a Scotsman argue. I didn't understand a single word. And I am proficient in English (almost to native speaker level). I doubt they understood each other.
Also, whenever i hear a Scotsman talk, i remember this
Imagine being French and watching Trainspotting in Tokyo with subtitles in Japanese ^^
After 30 minutes, I felt that I was starting to understand what the characters were saying. Did my ears get accustomed to Scottish, or did they relax their effort on being impossible to understand ? :-))
The usual Anglo/Celtic racism is there it's a subtle and more hidden racism, but more vocal are the are Australians of Chinese and Eastern European/Mediterranean heritage (mainly because they haven't learned to hide their racism like the ACs) the refugees are mostly from the Middle East and Sri Lanka so it's religion primarily.
This happens in France too. When you check the names of the local representatives of the Front National (our main extreme right party), many of them sport decidedly non-French family names. Which means that some of the most virulent opponents to immigration actually descend from the previous immigration waves from Italy, Spain, Portugal and Poland.
I think it is a universal human trend. Not sure about the justification. Probably something along the lines of "my ancestors and myself had it very hard settling here and getting integrated while these new people have things just handed to them thanks to our tax money".
Sad really.
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A snail goes into a Citroen dealer and says to the salesman; "I want the most expensive Citroen you have" "Certainly" replies the salesman, "this car here is the top of the range model." "It's perfect" says the snail, "but I want it customized." " We offer a full range of upgrades, anything at all, what would you like?" asks the salesman. "I simply want an 'S' painted on this side, one on the other side, and another on the roof." "But sir, whatever for? It'll totally ruin the car." "Well" replies the snail, "when I drive down the street, I want people to say 'look at that s-car go'.
This happens in France too. When you check the names of the local representatives of the Front National (our main extreme right party), many of them sport decidedly non-French family names
Same here. Its always funny seeing Bill O'riley being against immigration when 100 years ago it was "no dogs or Irish"
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"In his experience, Hel had found that only older North American drivers, with the long distances they habitually travel on good roads with competent machines, have become inured to the automobile as toy and as manhood metaphor. The French driver’s infantile recklessness often annoyed him, but not so much as did the typical Italian driver’s use of the automobile as an extension of his penis, or the British driver’s use of it as a substitute."
--Trevanian, Shibumi
"In his experience, Hel had found that only older North American drivers, with the long distances they habitually travel on good roads with competent machines, have become inured to the automobile as toy and as manhood metaphor. The French driver’s infantile recklessness often annoyed him, but not so much as did the typical Italian driver’s use of the automobile as an extension of his penis, or the British driver’s use of it as a substitute."
--Trevanian, Shibumi
Good roads and competent machines sounds like Germany, but reckless driving is pretty widespread. Although that could have a different reason. The penis extensions assembled here mostly resemble tanks, after all.
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Maluch and tank met.
Tank looks at Maluch and laughs: You have heart in your arse! (Maluch has engine in the back).
Maluch: I prefer to have heart in my arse than penis on my forehead!
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A snail goes into a Citroen dealer and says to the salesman; "I want the most expensive Citroen you have" "Certainly" replies the salesman, "this car here is the top of the range model." "It's perfect" says the snail, "but I want it customized." " We offer a full range of upgrades, anything at all, what would you like?" asks the salesman. "I simply want an 'S' painted on this side, one on the other side, and another on the roof." "But sir, whatever for? It'll totally ruin the car." "Well" replies the snail, "when I drive down the street, I want people to say 'look at that s-car go'.
I don't get it. Please explain...
s-car go
escargot
Which is french for eating something found under a rock.
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I saw one yesterday that, allegedly, our Latin American brethren tell about us:
Q: Why are there no coups in the United States?
A: Because there are no American embassies.
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Here's one...
Back in the 1960s, in the early days of the space program, American astronauts complained that the pens they brought aboard the Gemini spacecraft wouldn't write in freefall. So a NASA, working with several military contractors, spent fifty million million dollars developing a "Space Pen" that could write in weightlessness, in high and low atmospheric pressure, in vacuum, underwater, upside-down, and in a pure oxygen environment.
The Soviets, facing the same problem, equipped their cosmonauts with pencils.
The bread pudding I eat is thick and sweet and causes my cholesterol to skyrocket. Not sure about other savory bread puddings, I might try them if they were called something else.
“You're in America now," I said. "Our idea of diplomacy is showing up with a gun in one hand and a sandwich in the other and asking which you'd prefer.”
― Jim Butcher, Turn Coat
Okay, I found it funny :)
The government.
And it is known as not true. Nobody liked pencils, because graphite breaking in zero-g enviroments tended to play havoc with electronics. Because it's conductive. So russians started to use those pens as well. Also NASA didn't fund the pen research, but they bought the pens in bulk.
The title of the thread is "Jokes about one's own country," not "true stories about government waste." Yes, I know that story isn't true. It's a joke about the American tendency to throw money at problems and to do everything MoreBetterFaster, vs. the Russian tendency to stick with what works.
And, really, explaining jokes makes them less funny, n'est ce pas?
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[My mom is Canadian, so I'll post this one in her honor...]
How Canada got its name:
The original settlers couldn't decide what to name the place, so they put a bunch of Scrabble tiles in a bag.
Their leader started removing tiles:
"Okay, write this down.. I got a 'C,' eh? I got an 'N,' eh? I got a 'D,' eh?
"What's that spell so far?"
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Brit: "You Americans are stupid! America is the dumbest country in the world!"
American: "No, Europe is the dumbest country in the world!"
Q: Why is American beer like making love on the beach?
A: They're both f@&#ing close to water.
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An American tourist in New Zealand walks into a pub and orders a Bud.
The bartender says, "You're an American, arent you?"
The American says, "How'd you know? Was is my accent or the beer I ordered?"
The bartender replies, "Neither. You are the fattest bloke I've ever seen!"
A graphite on the wall in Toronto which says "Your mother is a nice person".
[I think you mean "graffito." Graphite is what they make those Russian pencils out of! ;-) ]
Well, your English is way better than my Serbian. (Which is nonexistant.)
Mon français est comme-çi, comme-ça. J'ai étudié le français pendant six ans à l'école secondaire, mais c'était il y a 25 ans.
Und mein Deutsch ist sehr schlecht.
Hindsight being 20/20, I wish I'd studied Spanish in school. Given the amount of Spanish spoken in the United States (and how many Spanish language TV stations broadcast here), it would have been a much more useful choice than learning French and (attempting to learn) German.
Haladir, I'm in almost the exact same boat, but living in Houston for 9 years enabled me to pick up enough Mexican Spanish to at least convince people not to bad-mouth me thinking I couldn't understand them.
Why Ancient Egyptians build their pyramids 20 years? Because they hired Poles to build them.
How they managed to finish the pyramids? They told Poles that the opening will be on TV News.
It must be reference to Native Americans and their contact with early Colonial Americans...
