It only does things like ham, turkey and beef.
WHAT?!
No crab legs, well once this monster mash is done, there's plenty of sea food waiting. I have a spell that conjures a tub of butter-garlic and lemon slices.
YOU GUYS DEAL WITH THE CRABS. I HAVEN'T FINISHED EATING BREAKFAST.
HEH. HEH. CRABS. YOU GUYS HAVE CRABS.
*slaps AM HEALER on the back of his head*
Nasty orc finally wakes from his slumber.
"Hmm food? Me hungry."
"I guess I will watch party now?"
After seeing the crabs attack he moves attack and swallow one.
"Oh for me? Thank you?"
"Hey no hitty me with sword back there. Not nice."
"Don't make me angry you not like me when I am angry."
Nasty: The crabs are far too large to eat. We are talking elephant size here. The snap their claws shut at you.
You guys make a few attacks on the crabs which seem to do no real damage to them.
*rolls*
One of the crabs picks up Babby in one claw, but doesn't really put pressure on him. Instead it holds him up.
DUDE. CAN WE PUT THOSE CRABS IN SOME BOILING WATER? THEY'LL BE DELICIOUS STEAMED WITH A SIDE OF DRAWN BUTTER.
RRRAAAAHHHHHRRR*
{ouch}
I prefer my crab meat roasted.
Raises his hands high and throws a scorching ray at each crab.
Roll to hit Crab 01: Damage:
Role to hit Crab 02: Damage:
You guys still level 1, people. No wands of fireballs.
The crabs... hmmm. You're right. They are...
*studies an illegible world map*
...pretty far from any possible home. Hmmm. The crabs turn into...
*rolls, then consults table*
...two orc barbarians. Babby ends up on the ground.
Now what do you do?
Nesod, you better be glad that was only a wand of illusion, or you and I would be having words.
*Sees it is unharmed from the fireball.*
RRRAAAAAHHHHHRRRRR
Okay, I throw magic missiles at the target. Do I damage it? And I wanted crab legs.
ORCS LESS APPEALING FOR DEVOURING. BASHING INSTEAD.
I HATE RANDOM ENCOUNTERS.
I THWACK THE ORC CRABS.
Nessy: The wand of fireball illusion was sold to you as a bona fide wand of fireballs by a dastardly gnome wand salesman. He even let you get a 20% discount... He had red-green hair and lots of rings on his fingers. Um, the hair was on his head. But I guess he had some hair on his fingers too...
*checks the gnome writeup in the rulebook*
... dammit, why isn't there information when you need it? Useless books.
...
Uh, anyway, he's a travelling wand merchant, so maybe you will see him again one day.
AM S: Roll damage.
AM H: Gimme a roll.
Lissa: You hit and do damage to left orc barbarian. Your bear finishes that one.
The remaining orc barbarian attacks the bear with his two-handed axe. Uh, that's the orc's axe, not the bear's.
*runs over to the dead orc barbarian and lifts him up by a spike tentacle to drop him into his enormous mouth*
*Drops down to all fours as the orc swings his axe. The axe swings harmlessly over his head.*
RRRAAAHHHHRRRRRR!!!
My name is Ranger Alissa. You attacked my bear. Prepare to die.
"Orces why you attack us? These my friends. No fight me or me have to hurt you."
After Allissa attacks. "Pouty lady not like you so me need to kill you sorry."
Missile Damage
Oooooo, that's gotta sting.
OH YEAH. I HAVE TO ROLL I GUESS.
Nasty Orc takes the body of the last orc and begins to eat it before Grusk can try and eat it huddled over it protecting his food.
"Nasty Orc hungry. No take his food or he get angry."
Is the last orc still up? If so I
"Are the orces dead now? "
Listens to anything else out there.
The orcs are dead. Gurg eats one, Nasty eats the other. Nasty didn't eat his orc's greataxe, however. There is nothing more interesting than the road East and some trees in between the fields. In the distance, you see a few tiny villages. It's raining. As you keep on going east, you need to make a Perception check. (We'll take this Perception check as the one you rolled for, Nasty. I still need rolls from the rest.)
1d20+7
Right. I thought ROG said no liches. Get outta here before AM HEALER goes slap happy with his mace.
Perception
Hah! I see all!
AM S, Lucky7: Yeah. You do. For some reason, you look behind you, and there, some distance away, perhaps a hundred yards away, you see a round little hole in the gray sky depicting that looks like someone's living room, with a man in a big hood (so you can't see the face) is looking at you. As you see this, the man moves an arm out of sight, and the image disappears, returning to the regularly scheduled rain.
Nasty picks up the orc's great axe.
"Hmmm, me have no weapon me take this one to use to chop things into smaller bits easier to eat. Like if a big crab attacked or something like that."
All yours Nasty.
Just remember what may be near you when fighting. We do not need an injured bear.
"Okay Pouty lady. Me be careful of your bear. But you should talk to AM HEALER and FULL BAB Rogue in Plate. They seem to hit me more than I hit anyone else."
"The bard you wanted killed? That I ate for you?"
ONWARD