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I have been GMing for about 12 years now and my wife hates it. I am at the point that I don't know what to do. She used to tolerate it and now more and more she mocks me about it or will have an argument about it. Our group gets together for aboit 6-8 hours every 2-3 weeks. A good portion of the game we are just socializing and chit chatting, but my wife just thinks we are acting like kids who don't want to grow up. I am 27 and we have one kid. Does anyone have any advise on what I could do? I feel like we argue about something that I have done for a long time and love doing.
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My girlfriend laughs at my gaming. However she does not laugh too much so knowing that I don't go an blow $200+ bucks at a strip club every two weeks with my friends who are "acting like kids who dont want to grow up."
Skeld has good advice though. I might check into shorter biweekly games too. That 6-8 hours of gaming while having a kidlet, being a Dad and Husband might be what's getting her feathers in a bunch.
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You could tell her that at least your hobby is hanging out with your friends at home not at a bar some place getting drunk.
Another idea is to take the game to another friends house. Gaming can get loud sometimes and that may be an issue too.
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I have been GMing for about 12 years now and my wife hates it. I am at the point that I don't know what to do. She used to tolerate it and now more and more she mocks me about it or will have an argument about it. Our group gets together for aboit 6-8 hours every 2-3 weeks. A good portion of the game we are just socializing and chit chatting, but my wife just thinks we are acting like kids who don't want to grow up. I am 27 and we have one kid. Does anyone have any advise on what I could do? I feel like we argue about something that I have done for a long time and love doing.
There is jealousy, a control issue here, she is trying to end this old part of your self.
Stand your ground, don't let gaming die on her account (you will regret it), but spend plenty of time with her and show affection etc.
Three hours a week on average is not much. There isn't much grounds for her to say, stop that.
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How long you been married? Is this recent? A slow progression, getting worse suddenly? Is it possible she doesn't like the PEOPLE you game with, rather than the hobby?
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thanks for the advice. I'm going to try to sit down and talk to her. I don't see my friends much other than game nights. which is why we kind of go long we catch up on the last two weeks too. I will see about moving the sessions to someone else's house every other game if the noise is the issue. I just know that gaming is something I see me and my friends doing long turn and I don't want to feel selish at the same time.
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How long you been married? Is this recent? A slow progression, getting worse suddenly? Is it possible she doesn't like the PEOPLE you game with, rather than the hobby?
We have been married for 5 years and she has disliked it the whole time. however her outward annoyance is steadily increasing and she complaims to her friends more. However the last time we fought she knew she was in the wrong and bought nme a gaming book. but the next time we gamed she complained for 20 mins after. it just sucks
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Tell her how much she is hurting your feelings, tell her it's making you sad and unhappy.
Explain that this your special time to be yourself and that you support her in having her own time, to do something she loves.
I don't know your whole situation or either of you personally so take my words how you will. It sounds like there might be a deeper problem and your gaming is the trigger/thing she focuses on instead of the real issue. It may be jealousy, it may be that she feels left out. Maybe she truly hates the ide of gaming. My advice is to talk to her, possibly in counseling, and get to the root of the matter.
Don't give up your hobby on her account but take her feelings seriously and do your best to include her or cut game time shorter.
Personally, I know how it is to have a significant other who doesn't "get" gaming. My current boyfriend doesn't play at all. He tried once and hated it. He doesn't hate that I play but it does sometimes take away from our time together as I game quite often. My thought is that if it ever becomes a problem he will either join me, find his own time consuming hobby, or that we will find people we are better suited to. I doubt that would happen just because of an rpg though.
Anyway, good luck...I hope this helped you.
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This would be a deal-breaker for me. Love me, love my hobby.
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The only reasonable thing to do is talk to her. Thats the only way to find out what is bothering her. Once you know what the problem is, you can course-correct.
[Since we're talking about situations, I'll tell you mine: I'll be 40 in a couple months and I've been gaming longer than you've been alive (lol). I've been married 10 years and have 2 kids. My spouse doesn't game, but generally doesn't mind it, so long as I keep it reasonable. Oh, all but one of my players are married and most have multiple kids.]
-Skeld
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The only reasonable thing to do is talk to her. Thats the only way to find out what is bothering her. Once you know what the problem is, you can course-correct.
[Since we're talking about situations, I'll tell you mine: I'll be 40 in a couple months and I've been gaming longer than you've been alive (lol). I've been married 10 years and have 2 kids. My spouse doesn't game, but generally doesn't mind it, so long as I keep it reasonable. Oh, all but one of my players are married and most have multiple kids.]
-Skeld
You sound like me except I will be 41... Everything else is the same.
Not really much I can say on this one, apart from offering my sympathy. My girlfriend from age 18 to 21 hated my gaming, and as we lived together at the time, it was a constant source of friction. Moving the session to another players house didn't really help either, all it meant was that I'd get to the game and within an hour be getting phone calls telling me to stop playing a kids game and come home. This relationship eventually crashed and burned.
I will say that I don't think gaming was the main issue, but rather a symptom of deeper issues (this is with the benefit of hindsight). Other things like her cheating on me, lying to me and using me as an ATM certainly didn't bloody help matters.
Honestly, all I can suggest is what others have already said. Talk to her, find out what the problem is, and try to get her to understand why you game. The attitude that RPGs are only for kids is one that I generally find comes from a lack of knowledge and understanding. It's like people who assume that cartoons are only meant for children, and are subsequently surprised to find adult fans of anime.
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How old is your child? She might resent having to "babysit" while you play. If it's the childcare that's bugging her, maybe you could work out a deal where she gets to go out for six to eight hours by herself every couple of weeks while you take care of your child? Moms of small children often feel overworked and underappreciated and need a break.
How old is your child? She might resent having to "babysit" while you play. If it's the childcare that's bugging her, maybe you could work out a deal where she gets to go out for six to eight hours by herself every couple of weeks while you take care of your child? Moms of small children often feel overworked and underappreciated and need a break.
You said this much better than I did...
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I can only add to everybody else to talk to her about...in a non-hostile way.
Also just wondering...if you have a game night does she have a night off from the kid to do things?
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It is not about gaming being more important than your marriage. It is about the fact that it is what you love doing, you aren't doing it to excess, it doesn't hurt her (as long as you make up the time for her), and it is your only social activity. If you were to stop gaming, it would make you miserable. I hope she doesn't want that.
So, yeah... Love me, respect and accept my hobby. Don't waste your time being married to someone who doesn't.
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This would be a deal-breaker for me. Love me, love my hobby.Honestly, if your hobby is more important to you than your spouse, you have a serious marriage problem and you should re-examine your priorities.
(my use of "you" is generic, not specific.)
-Skeld
I agree with you. That's why I'd never marry someone who was so at odds with something that was important to me.
I'd never ask someone to give up something they loved for me. Conversely, I wouldn't want to be with someone who tried to do that to me.
-The thing is, I'm from a gamer family. My Dad was in Uni from about 77-81, and that was the generation of wargamers, chainmail, etc, and allied hobby in the philly area.
-So the thing is this plays out a few ways:
1 young mother feeling overwhelmed alone, at home with the child. Not really realted to gaming per se, as any hobby away from home, bowling, birding, or boxing would have this problem
2 Woman wants to attack husband, so goes after hobby, rather than his personality, not a good sign, but does happen. Wouldn't matter if it was playing piano.
3 Wife doesn't feel the 'people' are a good influence on you. Manners, or maybe they are all single guys. I once stopped gaming with people when I realized one was having an affiar with another player's spouse. Maybe she knows something.
4 Total insecurity. I need to know where my husband is NOW, ALWAYS, AT ALL TIMES. Not a good sign. Sure call when you get there, so she can reach you but...
5 Woman is upset by gaming. Her friends don't understand, and it makes her ashamed. Oddly my sister got kicked out of a drinking group in grad school, for admitting she played d&d.
6 Bias. We only hear one side, husband's. We need more information.
My girlfriend laughs at my gaming. However she does not laugh too much so knowing that I don't go an blow $200+ bucks at a strip club every two weeks with my friends who are "acting like kids who dont want to grow up."
This.
So very much this.
At least she knows where you are, who you are with, and what you are doing at 3am on a Saturday.
Does anyone have any advise on what I could do? I feel like we argue about something that I have done for a long time and love doing.
Not really! I think my advice would be something along the lines of "tell her to grow the heck up." Which probably wouldn't be a very constructive thing to do.
But seriously, people who think what they like to do is the only right thing to like to do, and think you are stupid for liking something else, those kinds of people really piss me off. Especially when "what they like to do" is "nothing."
You have a hobby, big deal, hardly the end of the world. If she can't deal with that, shame on her!
I lost a close long-time friend because his wife didn't want him to spend one Saturday every one or two months with his friends. And he accepted that without protest. Don't be that guy.
Wow, what's wrong with going to a strip club and blowing 200+ bucks... as long as you're only watching, right? Right?!
Sorry for the joke, couldn't resist.
On a more serious note, I've been with my wife for 16 years, married for 4. Recent child of 3,5 months old.
I've been gaming for uhm... 13 years or so, D&D all the way.
We've had a conflict about 11 years ago when I was DM'ing two groups at a time, all night on Tuesday (6 pm - 3 am) away from home and all afternoon Sunday (1 pm - 7 pm) at our place. At that time, my wife (girlfriend at the time) said: "it's either the hobby, or it's me"
So I quit RPG'ing alltogether for about a year and was profoundly unhappy... I looked for ways to get back into the game, but couldn't start a conversation about it.
Then I made a compromise: one group only, on Tuesday night, so not at a time when it would conflict with our time together (on a Sunday) and away from home.
No worries since!
In our case, it was about the game and the fact that it was too much (two days basically), the fact that she did not have a real hobby and was stuck at home and the fact that she finds it a 'silly hobby'.
She's still not into gaming, still finds it a 'silly hobby' with minis and fantasy and dungeons and dragons... but she tolerates it, including the prep work I do as a regular DM.
When the baby came, I took a month off playing to take care of my wife and child and took a player's seat. That worked fine! And now, I enjoy my weekly games again :-)
So, best of luck to you, but talking really helps. And sometimes, a compromise is needed.
By the way, I'm 35, just for reference.
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This would be a deal-breaker for me. Love me, love my hobby.
You're single, right?
To the OP: to be honest, this is probably about a lot more than gaming. Obviously I don't know what the underlying issues might be but one game once a fortnight is not a massive commitment of time, unless you are doing tons of preparation the rest of the time. All relationships are about compromise from both parties but prima facie it seems a bit unreasonable to give you a lot of grief about a pretty harmless, if nerdy, hobby (my wife is not a gamer but takes the view that if I'm gaming I'm not off with other women - not that I would be anyway, but that's another story). Which makes me think there are other issues at play, and her annoyance at your gaming is symptomatic rather than the cause. The only thing to do is to talk to her and find out what is making her unhappy. Best wishes.
Oh, and despite some of the views here, there are some things more important than gaming.
Oh, and despite some of the views here, there are some things more important than gaming.
[Sarcasm]O.o Surely you jest!?!?[/sarcasm]
This would be a deal-breaker for me. Love me, love my hobby.You're single, right?
To the OP: to be honest, this is probably about a lot more than gaming. Obviously I don't know what the underlying issues might be but one game once a fortnight is not a massive commitment of time, unless you are doing tons of preparation the rest of the time. All relationships are about compromise from both parties but prima facie it seems a bit unreasonable to give you a lot of grief about a pretty harmless, if nerdy, hobby (my wife is not a gamer but takes the view that if I'm gaming I'm not off with other women - not that I would be anyway, but that's another story). Which makes me think there are other issues at play, and her annoyance at your gaming is symptomatic rather than the cause. The only thing to do is to talk to her and find out what is making her unhappy. Best wishes.
Oh, and despite some of the views here, there are some things more important than gaming.
I really don't think that what they're saying is that gaming is the most important thing. I suspect it's more a case of thinking it reasonable to expect a parter to be accepting of your hobbies or interests, particularly if the relationship has reached the stage of marriage.
I've never yet dated a someone who is also a gamer, but all bar one of my partners has been accepting of it. And honestly, the one who wasn't accepting was bad news (though as I said above, for more reasons than just her dislike of gaming). I'd react the same way no matter what interest they were talking about. I don't like horses, but I never said a word against my ex owning one and spending a couple of hours every day with it. It's about respect for your partner, and acceptance that they may have some interests that diverge from your own.
This would be a deal-breaker for me. Love me, love my hobby.Honestly, if your hobby is more important to you than your spouse, you have a serious marriage problem and you should re-examine your priorities.
(my use of "you" is generic, not specific.)
-Skeld
Strongly disagree. It's not a simple matter of one being more important.
If somebody so completely rejects something you like doing, mocks you both to your face and to their friends about it and insists on trying to stop it they are pushing you away. It doesn't matter what the activity in question is or even how important it is, only that it's harmless and it brings you joy.I'd suggest it's the spouse who's priorities need examining. Making a huge deal out of one day in every few weeks spent tooling around with your friends is selfish and unreasonable. How can they possibly win in a healthy relationship? What are you supposed to tell your group?
"Sorry guys, the other half says we're too childish so I can't play any more. I know it's tough, but if I jeopardise our friendship she'll approve of me more and stop humiliating me in front of her friends. PRIORITIES, right?"
Zexcir, I guess just say it's harmless, so what does it matter if it seems childish? Point out that being a sports fan or a golfer is just as nerdy, all about games and potentially a lot more expensive. The only difference is your games aren't in fashion. Everybody has interests on which they spend time and money and not all of them can appeal to their families. That's just how it is.
Before one of the guys in my group got married, his then fiancee' told me that when they married, this "gaming nonsense" was going to stop. Not for him, but for all of us. Her reasoning was that he'd be tempted to play if his friends were still doing so.
Well, everyone is still together, but we're not allowed to game at their house unless she's out of town visiting family. Thankfully, we have other venues.
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I think the moral of this story is everybody's a weirdo. If you don't have some kind of deeply uncool interest you have something else. Some will pay to sit in a stadium and scream while wearing a plastic cheese on their head, some are attracted to balloons and others earnestly believe they can stop the others from being so god damned strange.
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Before one of the guys in my group got married, his then fiancee' told me that when they married, this "gaming nonsense" was going to stop. Not for him, but for all of us. Her reasoning was that he'd be tempted to play if his friends were still doing so.
Well, everyone is still together, but we're not allowed to game at their house unless she's out of town visiting family. Thankfully, we have other venues.
... Wow. I mean I've seen partners tell my friends to stop something before, but none of them have tried to tell the rest of the group that we have to stop too. That's taking it to a whole new level.
I trust she was disabused of that idea in short order?
Does your wife watch movies or TV?
Does she think actors a childish and should grow up or find real work?
If it's somehow remotely possible, get her to game.
Let her do what you are doing, understand what you like about gaming.
Let her create a character just for fun or set up a 1on1 adventure just for her. She can spend time with you and see what that's all about
And maybe, just maybe she'll have fun.
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This would be a deal-breaker for me. Love me, love my hobby.Honestly, if your hobby is more important to you than your spouse, you have a serious marriage problem and you should re-examine your priorities.
(my use of "you" is generic, not specific.)
-Skeld
Strongly disagree. It's not a simple matter of one being more important.
If somebody so completely rejects something you like doing, mocks you both to your face and to their friends about it and insists on trying to stop it they are pushing you away. It doesn't matter what the activity in question is or even how important it is, only that it's harmless and it brings you joy.
I'd suggest it's the spouse who's priorities need examining. Making a huge deal out of one day in every few weeks spent tooling around with your friends is selfish and unreasonable. How can they possibly win in a healthy relationship? What are you supposed to tell your group?
"Sorry guys, the other half says we're too childish so I can't play any more. I know it's tough, but if I jeopardise our friendship she'll approve of me more and stop humiliating me in front of her friends. PRIORITIES, right?"Zexcir, I guess just say it's harmless, so what does it matter if it seems childish? Point out that being a sports fan or a golfer is just as nerdy, all about games and potentially a lot more expensive. The only difference is your games aren't in fashion. Everybody has interests on which they spend time and money and not all of them can appeal to their families. That's just how it is.
This isn't just about gaming, or the right to a hobby, it's about a marriage where there is a child and one spouse who is clearly unhappy about something. This stuff about "love my gaming or take the highway, b@~!@" pretty much fails to take this into account. The dislike of gaming is almost certainly a symptom, not the cause, and talking about breaking up just because you can't pretend to be an elf once a fortnight is silly and demeaning to the marriage and fails to take account of the other parties (in particular, the child) and their interests and welfare. The latter, in particular, is a damn sight more important than a game every two weeks - I'd give up gaming in an instant if it was prejudicial to my son's welfare. That's not to say that the issues can be simply resolved by giving up gaming, since it probably isn't the problem anyway, and since it is an important pasttime for the OP there should be a discussion (maybe involving a counsellor) to get to the bottom of the issue. But in many relationships you have to moderate the things you do and compromise, and provided everyone is happy that it's fair then that's fine. Which, in the end, is for the OP and his wife to decide.
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We've had a conflict about 11 years ago when I was DM'ing two groups at a time, all night on Tuesday (6 pm - 3 am) away from home and all afternoon Sunday (1 pm - 7 pm) at our place. At that time, my wife (girlfriend at the time) said: "it's either the hobby, or it's me"
I've had this happen once. And i chose the hobby. From that point on, whenever a woman put an ultimatum in front of me, i always chose the other thing. Destroyed three relationships, but now, I have been dating the same girl for 6 years and we're going to marry. She never gave me an ultimatum, and while she dislikes that i spend so large a chunk of time with my friends, once a week (anywhere from 8-10 hours), i do make sure to dedicate almost all of my free time to her for the rest of the week.
My advice to the OP: Sit her down and have a serious talk with her. Ask her not to interrupt you and explain how much this hobby means to you and that you'd be incredibly miserable if you stopped doing it. If she still refuses to budge, well, i recommend marriage counsel because there are deeper issues there, not just you "playing a child's game".
Man does it grind my gears when i hear someone say that.
Diver
Before one of the guys in my group got married, his then fiancee' told me that when they married, this "gaming nonsense" was going to stop. Not for him, but for all of us. Her reasoning was that he'd be tempted to play if his friends were still doing so.
Well, everyone is still together, but we're not allowed to game at their house unless she's out of town visiting family. Thankfully, we have other venues.
What a nice person. She must be fun at parties.
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I have been GMing for about 12 years now and my wife hates it. I am at the point that I don't know what to do. She used to tolerate it and now more and more she mocks me about it or will have an argument about it. Our group gets together for aboit 6-8 hours every 2-3 weeks. A good portion of the game we are just socializing and chit chatting, but my wife just thinks we are acting like kids who don't want to grow up. I am 27 and we have one kid. Does anyone have any advise on what I could do? I feel like we argue about something that I have done for a long time and love doing.
This part I bolded makes me thing it might have something to do with shouldering the responsibilities (and burdens) that an adult person (or even adult man) is supposed to.
Maybe your wife is worried about something else and feels that you are not doing enough to take care of this other situation (whether about the kid's education, your career, your couple's financial status or some such).
If that is the case, you can have a serious talk with her about what makes her feel like that.
Way I see it, your wife has some issues with your current life as a family and she cannot express them directly. Find a way to help her voice those concerns so that you can both agree on what is happening and then find a solution that works for both of you.
Note that expressing concerns in a couple is one of the most difficult things to do, which is why outside help might be useful.
This isn't just about gaming, or the right to a hobby, it's about a marriage where there is a child and one spouse who is clearly unhappy about something. This stuff about "love my gaming or take the highway, b%**~" pretty much fails to take this into account. The dislike of gaming is almost certainly a symptom, not the cause, and talking about breaking up just because you can't pretend to be an elf once a...
I'm not suggesting anybody should break up with anybody! I'm just saying that it's not a simple matter of comparing the importance of a spouse against a hobby.
You're absolutely right that it's not about the right to game. I see it as about one person trying to control another because she doesn't share his tastes or want him hanging with his friends. Little boys shouldn't take that from their mothers, so why on earth should a grown man take that from his wife?
Obviously the solution isn't to destroy the family. That's a pretty ridiculous idea and nobody has suggested it. The closest people have come is saying they wouldn't want a relationship with such a controlling person. That's hardly unreasonable, since the only thing we know about her is the reason the OP wants help. If you only know one troubling thing about a person they are never going to sound datable, no matter how great they may be.
EDIT: Hama, I find it amusingly ironic that you have what is essentially an ultimatum policy yourself: "Either the ultimatums go, or I do!" :p
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It’s a difficult situation for you mate and if I’m honest I wouldn’t want to tell you a solution, you need to work it out together. However, it may be useful for you to hear my situation. I've been gaming with the same group of guys since 89. Started the year before I met my wife. Things rubbed along fine whilst we dated but once we got married and especially after we had our first child, I found myself in an identical situation to yourself. What I did was, as advised already, moved the session. Doing that removed the noise and alleviated the “disturbing the sleeping child” issue. I also cut back on a few other non-gaming activities. Importantly we resolved to have some together time every week that nothing could interrupt. Things got better. As I said at the beginning that was 24 years ago, I game still and host whenever I dm, more importantly my son has just joined our group, with his mother’s blessing too! So if you try you can work it out. Keep on gaming :)
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I find threats/ultimatums intensely disgusting. Especially those that are vague. Whenever I bump into one, and I don't think it is life or death, I say "You do what you need to do", or ask them to elaborate on what will happen if I don't. It may sound standoffish... But I can honestly say I never had reason to regret this strategy.
I find threats/ultimatums intensely disgusting. Especially those that are vague. Whenever I bump into one, and I don't think it is life or death, I say "You do what you need to do", or ask them to elaborate on what will happen if I don't. It may sound standoffish... But I can honestly say I never had reason to regret this strategy.
Add in a firm voice: "Or Else."
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EDIT: Hama, I find it amusingly ironic that you have what is essentially an ultimatum policy yourself: "Either the ultimatums go, or I do!" :p
Now that you mention it so do i. OH GOD THE IRONY! Damn. You either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain.
Although i never tell that to women i date. I just choose the other thing when they give me an ultimatum. But i guess that's just (oh damn, how does it go that English proverb for picking tiny details from something and trying to make it appear as it is something else?)
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This isn't just about gaming, or the right to a hobby, it's about a marriage where there is a child and one spouse who is clearly unhappy about something. This stuff about "love my gaming or take the highway, b%**~" pretty much fails to take this into account. The dislike of gaming is almost certainly a symptom, not the cause, and talking about breaking up just because you can't pretend to be an elf once a...I'm not suggesting anybody should break up with anybody! I'm just saying that it's not a simple matter of comparing the importance of a spouse against a hobby.
You're absolutely right that it's not about the right to game. I see it as about one person trying to control another because she doesn't share his tastes or want him hanging with his friends. Little boys shouldn't take that from their mothers, so why on earth should a grown man take that from his wife?
Obviously the solution isn't to destroy the family. That's a pretty ridiculous idea and nobody has suggested it. The closest people have come is saying they wouldn't want a relationship with such a controlling person. That's hardly unreasonable, since the only thing we know about her is the reason the OP wants help. If you only know one troubling thing about a person they are never going to sound datable, no matter how great they may be.
I replied to your post but the comments were intended more generally to the posters on the thread. Sorry for any misunderstanding, I know you weren't suggesting what I implied.
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If you think about it about it, it is a child's (or a least teen ager's) fantasy. People walking around attacking each other, but appearing fine the next week as the story requires. Multiple people in a small town ending up being the scion's of foreign kings, or self-made billionaires. The virtuous and thieves working together for the common good.
Nevertheless, I understand my wife needs some escapism and away time from her job, and even myself and the children, so I don't harp on her watching soap operas.
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It's a fantasy. Nothing in it precludes it for being only for children (teenagers are children too). Why should i not be allowed to enjoy some well deserved escapism once in a while?
But it's a waste of time! You could be mowing the lawn or fix the door to the basement instead. You know, be a real man rather than playing some stupid game once every few weeks.
And the same goes for watching TV. Or browsing Facebook. Or any other activity that isn't all productive all the time. Taking five minutes to catch your breath is so immature.