I need some baudy, fantasy-themed dirty jokes for a book I'm writing!

[UltimaGabe]

Hello, all! I'm currently writing a fantasy novel, and an upcoming chapter is going to introduce a character who, as a grizzled old man, loves to tell dirty jokes. The problem is, I can't think of any!

I'm looking for jokes that are not graphic or explicit- you know, like the type of dirty jokes you imagine being told back in the 20's or 30's or something. Preferably with a fantasy edge to them (like, involving elves or gnomes or things like that). Like I said, nothing graphic- this is meant to be a family-friendly book. Innuendo and subtlety are the main goal here.

If anyone can offer up any jokes of theirs, I'd gladly give credit where credit is due when it's all said and done. :-)

Thanks in advance!

[FuelDrop]

well there was this one time, in ranger camp...
nah, i'm sure you wouldn't want to hear that one.

and then of course there's the one about the tavern wench, the elf and the piano. but everyone's heard about that one. you haven't? remind me to tell it to you at some point. it's a doozy.

you know why dwarves all grow beards? it's to hide their smiles when they look up at ladies!

and of course we all know that elf women have loose virtue. after all, you don't here stories about half-gnomes, do you?

when encountering a dragon, always have a half-orc in the party. why? because with their looks, they're garenteed to be a virgin!

speaking of which, why did you think dragons always demand virgin sacrifices? *raises eyebrows suggestively*

@UG: dirty limericks are also a common favorite. can't think of any right now, but if i do i'll know where to post them.

[Pirate]

Yar!

Aww... all of my dirty jokes are graphic/blunt/not family friendly at all... AT. ALL.

a story:

"I believe in education lad! You gotta take what you see n' learn from it. Why, there was this one time, several years ago, when I was up in the mountains yonder, in a hidden forest valley. In the middle of this mountain-forest-valley was a majestic lake. It was a grand sight to be seen! However, there were a single fly buzzing around above this 'ere lake, not too far from the edge. But you know what, this fly was not alone! NO! In the lake, just under the surface by the edge where this here fly was a buzzin', was a fish! And this fish was watching this fly, yes it was! I could imagine it thinking to itself "oh boy, a far juicy fly! It's kinda high up though... I sure hope it comes down a bit so I can jump out of the water and reach it. Yum!" But this ain't the least of it! Just a few feet away, there was a mighty bear wallowing at the edge, watching this here fish... watching and waiting. I saw the beast, and thought about what it were thinking, and it was probably something along the lines of "Growl! That's a big fish, and it hasn't seen me! It looks ready to jump, and when it does, I'll snatch it out of the air and have me a meal! Grawr!" Of course, there were more than just this odd trio... for not far away there were a hunter in the woods just to side, camouflaged and hidden, watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly. He took aim with his bow, but knew that if he moves, his cover would be blown... so he waited, still as a statue, for the bear to move forwards. "Just an inch more to the right, beastie, and you're mine!" I'm sure that was what he was thinking. Not even 3 feet away, cowering in the foliage, was a mouse. This mouse was terrified! I could see it looking up at the hunter, and I'm certain it was thinking "Oh WOW! That's a big human! whatamIgonnadowhatamIgonnado! If that giant man does anything sudden, I gotta bolt. Get out of here right fast I will!" And up in a nearby tree, prowling on a branch just overhead, was a cat. This cat was devious! It peered down, and saw the mouse hiding under the bush. I could see in the cats eyes what it was thinking. "Hey there mousy. Come out and play. I'm hungry. Leave that bush. Flee from under that foliage. Do it, and I'll jump and pounce on you... I'll make a meal out of you." ...and then... it happened:

The fly flew down, the fish jumped up, the bear moved in, the hunter shot his bow, the mouse bolted away, and the cat jumped down-BUT! The cat slipped and instead fell into the lake!"

*deep breath and a sigh*

"I learned something that day, yes I did."

*nods*

"Huh what? What did I learn? Why simple boy! When the fly goes down, the pussy gets wet! Har Har!"

Hm... I don't think that was even close to what you had in mind. I may have to think some more on this...

~P

[The Drunken Dragon]

Unfortunately, the only guidance i can provide is read A Song of Ice and Fire (or watch Game of Thrones), and write down everything Tyrion Lannister says...use it as inspiration, he tends to be pretty good at that sort of thing (one third of his sentences, to be precise)