1001 Rules of Golarion

[SilvercatMoonpaw]

equinoxmaster wrote:

925. Stay as far away from Darkmoon Vale and Falcon's Hollow as you possibly can.

926. Rule #925 is not merely a suggestion, but rather a fact you should build your life around

928. Should you find yourself in either location burn it to the ground.

[equinoxmaster]

929. Regarding Rule 928, don't attempt to burn down Darkmoon Vale, it will just upset the fey even more.

[Ad In News' Clothing]

930. But it's all worth it thanks to Jak Crimmy's Cinnamon-Crusted Flapjacks!

[Ventnor]

931.) After killing a monstrously evil tyrant, maybe don't make their corpse into a bunch of powerful magic relics. That tends to cause a lot more trouble than said tyrant did while they were alive.

[I'm Hiding In Your Closet]

932. I will not paint goblins yellow and dress them in overalls.

933. I will not refer to flumph civilization as "the Federation."

934. Zarta Dralneen is forbidden from ever, under any circumstances, sitting in a swivel chair.

[I'm Hiding In Your Closet]

935. Akiton is doing just fine in the woman department, thank you; it does not need to abduct Golarion's.

936. There is no such thing as a "World-Famous Absalom Hot Dog."

[Captain Obvious!]

Ventnor wrote:

931.) After killing a monstrously evil tyrant, maybe don't make their corpse into a bunch of powerful magic relics. That tends to cause a lot more trouble than said tyrant did while they were alive.

I'm Captain Obvious, and I support this message!

[equinoxmaster]

937. There is however, such thing as Cheliax-Style Pizza

938. There is not a fast food chain in Andoran called McDaldrins

[LazarX]

Voin_AFOL wrote:

877. Richard Dawkins is not the head of state in Rahadoum. Not that he wouldn't try it given the chance.

They'd call him an insane idiot. The Rahadoumi ARE aware that gods do exist and don't try to deny that. They simply want no truck with them.

[CapriciousFate]

939. Not every old man in Ustalav is secretly a vampire. Some of them are liches.
940. Not everyone living in the woods in Ustalav is a werewolf. Some of them are just idiots.
941. Testing rules 939&940 with silver and wooden stakes to the heart of everyone you meet WILL have alignment repercussions.
942. Do not read anything you find in Ustalav.
943. Do not look directly at any strange creatures you encounter in Ustalav.
944. Do not....you know what? Just stay away from Ustalav.

[Matthew Morris]

945. There is no Absalom convention on warfare.
946. Forced insertion of tangleshot arrows into prisoners openings will result in one being drafted.

[I'm Hiding In Your Closet]

947. For obvious reasons, mermaids to not "put out" - do not ask them to "sound your conch" either, or they will EAT IT.
947a. The same warning goes for women. Don't even ask.

948. I WILL NOT ride through Andoran in the middle of the night screaming "the Chelish are coming, the Chelish are coming!"

949. Andoran does NOT produce an abnormally large number of Gunslinger PCs.

[Ventnor]

950.) Andoran DOES, however, have the best apple pie bakers in the world.

[equinoxmaster]

951. Andoren Apple Pie Baker is a prestige class that will be detailed in the upcoming book, Apple Pies Of The Inner Sea.

[Turin the Mad]

951a. Also featured in Apple Pies of the Inner Sea will be a feat allowing Improvised Weapon Mastery to apply dirty trick combat maneuvers at range with pies of sufficient size (Pie to the Face); the infamous Pie Eating Contestant regional trait and the never-before-in-print Pie Eating Contest Winner single-level Prestige Class!

[Belabras]

951b. Also, the new Pie-romancer class. Use your love of dessert to harm and befuddle foes. Unlock the mysteries of the hostess fruit pie!

[equinoxmaster]

951c. Apple Pies of The Inner Sea also introducea the Pie element for Kineticists, allowing Kineticist characters to use various pastry-themed abilities, including the Pie simple blast, the Apple Pie composite blast and many new wild talents such as Extended Baking and the Raised Crust infusion.

[Turin the Mad]

951d. Investigator talents such as Deduce Recipe; Rogue Talents such as Squirt Filling; Ninja Talents such as Scarfing and Improved Scarfing; and the alchemical bomb discoveries of Swiftly Baked Pie, Exploding Hot Apple Pie and Nuclear Strudel.

[Goth Guru]

352e.Having an apple cutie mark would give a bonus to all apple pie related skills and combat, if you were playing Ponyfinder.

[Ventnor]

951e.) Also included in Apple Pies of the Inner Sea is the Pie Oracle Mystery. It's final revelation is A-pie-theosis, which allows your Oracle to assume the platonic ideal form of a pie.

[equinoxmaster]

952f. The Pieslinger class, which grants pie-themed bonuses, A pool of crust points (similar to grit and panache) and deeds made just for the use of everyone's favorite throwable pastries will also be included in the Apple Pies of The Inner Sea book.

[KahnyaGnorc]

953. Pinball is not a wizard specialization
953a. It is an archetype, but you must be a deaf, dumb, and blind kid.

[Belabras]

There's got to be a twist!

[Aelryinth]

Your Dex score must be at least 20, of course, and Sleight of Hand Ranks at least 8.

==Aelryinth

[Dreaming Psion]

Hellknights like to emulate hell mostly because they like its edginess.

[equinoxmaster]

954. Alkenstar ain't a scene, It's a g*~&~%ned arms race!

[Flynn Greywalker]

955. Thou shalt not piss off the mythic vampire lords in Ustalav. They are picking about their food and pissing them off gives to IBS.
956. The Numerians are possessive and protective of their space junk. You will not copy it, steal it, clone it, reverse engineer it or improve it without express written permission by the Technic League. Breaking this rule leads to execution by incineration in Torch.
957. The mutants of the Mana Wastes shall not be referred to as "mutants." They are magically modified creatures of the waste. Please remember this.

[Aelryinth]

Dreaming Psion wrote:

Hellknights like to emulate hell mostly because they like its edginess.

Are you sure it's not because Hell likes giving pointers? (heh)

==Aelryinth

[Just a Mort]

958. Do NOT touch a self playing piano.

959. Do NOT touch shiny red scarves you find in a haunted house.

960. Do NOT be in the same room when the halfling decides to do the above.

[Voin_AFOL]

961. As much as it may inspire fits of immature giggling from all others present, the Aspis Consortium does not appreciate being referred to as "Ass Piss", despise how fitting it might be of their awful conduct.

[Belabras]

961b. All they do is piss and moan about it.

[KahnyaGnorc]

962. The Pathfinder Society found the path centuries ago, but rehid it because it was "too easy."

962a. A strange fellow named Ben Gates is following the clues left by the folks who rehid the path to refind it and clear his obscure ancestor's name of a completely unrelated slander.

[Freakazoid!]

KahnyaGnorc wrote:

962. The Pathfinder Society found the path centuries ago, but rehid it because it was "too easy."

You could almost say it was the Path of Least (Spell) Resistance??

Woo-ha-hoo!

[Dreaming Psion]

963. Darkmoon Vale has its own calendar marked by the amount of time since the last siege of Falcon's Hollow.

[Voin_AFOL]

964. The Paladin and the Antipaladin do not cause a cataclysmic, mutually-destructive explosion just by coming in physical contact with each other.

965. This goes double for Rule 34 of the above.

[equinoxmaster]

966. Teleporting a large amount of flayleaf into the plane of fire will result in four hundred and twenty blazing elementals.

[Oskar Metalsound]

967. You can not, under any circumstances, Smite Neutral. Even if you shout "PICK A SIDE" when you do.

[Kobold Catgirl]

966b. Putting brown mold in the Plane of Fire is NOT OKAY.

968. No monsters are allowed to incorporate politician slogans into their dialogue. Even if the red dragon really wants the heroes to "feel the burn".

969. Kobolds do not speak in French accents and complain about the gnome bourgeoisie. They are especially not allowed to gripe about failed invasions into the frigid dwarven lands due to the cruel dwarven cannons. And if the PCs decide to exile and imprison a kobold BBEG in a distant arcane prison, he is not allowed to escape and try to do the exact same thing the PCs just stopped him from doing before.

[The Usual Suspect]

970. Dwarven Paratroopers exist.

[Voin_AFOL]

971: No, everyone in Galt does not smoke thin cigarettes, carry baguettes, wear berets, or surrender at the drop of a hat.

972: My Galtan character is not le tired.

973: Not allowed to convince the Lumber Consortium to change their slogan to "Got Wood?"

[I'm Hiding In Your Closet]

974. Golarion does NOT have a "Canada." Soorry.

975. I will NOT summon a cyclopean-sized owl-monster from the depths of the Dark Tapestry just to ask it "how many licks it takes to get to Rovagug's prison."

976. NO, my Shoanti Ranger CANNOT have a hamster.

[Ventnor]

976a.) Your Shoanti hunter can, however.

977.) There IS no Light Tapestry! Stop asking!

[I'm Hiding In Your Closet]

978. I will NOT court disaster by repeatedly beating the Hao Jin Tapestry with a tennis racket in an attempt to shake all the cool stuff out.

[Town Cryer]

979. BEWARE PESH! It is a gateway drug, and the destination is random!

[I'm Hiding In Your Closet]

980. A random destination is better than a certain destination you know is bad.

Come to think of it, that's really more of a "cosmic axiom" than a "rule of Golarion," isn't it?

[I'm Hiding In Your Closet]

981. Any Calistrian Halfling PC named "Bimbo Baggins" is RIGHT OUT.

982. Same goes for any ambiguously-gay Fey-blooded cyborg Halfling Rogue/Impossible-Bloodline Sorcerer, with a Bag of Holding and scrying focus implant, named "Tinky Tonks Tik-Tok Took."

[lucky7]

983. "The Red Raven" is not a Galtan fast food joint.

[equinoxmaster]

983B. It's a Ustalavic fast food franchise

[Voin_AFOL]

984a. The first rule of Norgorber Club is: You do not talk about Norgorber Club.

984b. The second rule of Norgorber Club is: You do not talk about Norgorber Club.

985. Osirian chariots do not have the motto "so let it be written so let it be done" written on the back.

986. Don't go bringing 10 Plagues onto Osirion until you've at least talked to the Ruby Prince first, mkay?

987. There is no Keleshite Spring uprising.

988. "Sarenrae Akbar!" is not a thing anyone in Golarion yells.

989. The church of Iomedae does not look kindly upon selling indulgences.

990a. The church of Iomedae does not have a Pope.

990b. Not allowed to create the position of Pope, nor try to entice clergy into creating said position w/ promises of a Popemobile.

991. Clerics of Sarenrae do not issue Fatwas or call to Jihad.

992. Clerics of Iomedae are not prohibited from marrying... they do call for Crusades, however.

993. It's not cool to refer to every half-orc & half-elf you meet as a "bastard". That's their word.

994. Not allowed to Hashtag anything.

995. I don't care if you are playing "Hell's Vengeance", the motto of your Chellish sex-slave-brothel shall not be "Slip into something more comfortable".

996. You are not Lawrence of Katapesh.

[Voin_AFOL]

equinoxmaster wrote:

898. This song is not appropriate background music for Reign Of Winter.

How have I not heard this ridiculous awesomeness before? Thank you! :D

Just a Mort wrote:

958. Do NOT touch a self playing piano.

Why did I misread that as "Do NOT touch self playing piano."?