I am an elitist, PC coddling, drama queen.
I am white and I like rap music.
I want to make more money.
I love my daughter but not my wife.
I am a slow reader.
I love junk food.
Not from a lack of trying, I assure you.
Should I be concerned the staff are implying threats now?
ATT-I-CA! ATT-I-CA!
Please stay off-topic in the off-topic forum.
Baby, I am off-topic everywhere.
Is there an off-Broadway section?
How do I tell my wife of 17 years I want a divorce?
How do I tell my wife of 17 years I want a divorce?
Just dry hump her leg, eventually she'll get sick of you and leave.
;P
We went to counseling many years ago. It was great fun. I got to sit there and let my wife dismiss and deny my feelings. Hell, we can do that at home for free.
How do I tell my wife of 17 years I want a divorce?I imagine emailing her a link to this post is out of the question.
This message board is associated with role playing. She would not touch it with a ten foot pole if she were in a full bio hazard suit.
This message board is associated with role playing. She would not touch it with a ten foot pole if she were in a full bio hazard suit.How do I tell my wife of 17 years I want a divorce?I imagine emailing her a link to this post is out of the question.
I guess you and you're wife don't have alot in common?
How do you think she'd react?
I figure she will blame me for everything, possibly add guilt about what this may do to our daughter or she will ask to go to counseling again and promise she will change.
We went to counseling many years ago. It was great fun. I got to sit there and let my wife dismiss and deny my feelings. Hell, we can do that at home for free.
Are you ready for the consequences of the divorce? Since you're the guy, be ready to barely see your child and you'll have exorbitant child support
payments to look forward to.
Does she know how you feel?
Do either of you want to save your marriage?
I have told her many times I am not happy. If I try to push the issue she gets very defensive and blames me.
Most of the time, I just keep it bottled up and everything is 'fine'.
I suspect, at some level, she knows. Most likely she just does not think about it.
I do not want to save the marriage. I would be the one doing all the work and would get very little for my effort. I would rather be alone and be able to do what I want to do rather than kiss her bum and still feel terribly alone.
Are you ready for the consequences of the divorce?
I like to think she would allow join custody, but Hell hath no fury…
I am prepared to pay Child Support. I am pretty sure she makes more than I do, so I do not think Alimony.
adult stuff
We'll now I feel like a dick for my comment up above...sorry Courtfool, I thought you were just being the poodle you always are. Good luck.
Oh man -poddle, I mean-... This is so sad tp hear, but at least you are in looking out for your happiness.... Good luck and remember you have all the poddle-power behind you for support.
*licks Courtfool*
We'll now I feel like a dick for my comment up above...sorry Courtfool...
No worries. I know it is hard to tell when I am being a goof. Laughter always helps ease the pain.
Besides, I am leaving because she never lets me hump her leg.
Good luck and remember you have all the poddle-power behind you for support.
Does that mean you guys will help me move?
Besides, I am leaving because she never lets me hump her leg.
Oh noes! that's unforgiveable!!!! You know you always have Sebastian for a nice, furry leg t hump thou...
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Well, it sounds like your mind is made up already.
But maybe try a trial separation. It would at least give time for the two of you to get a break from each other but it might shock your wife into opening up about your communication problems and then you could talk about the core problems of your relationship.
Maybe you would realize you missed being with your family too. If not, proceed with the divorce. There's no harm in trying though.
Well, it sounds like your mind is made up already.
But maybe try a trial separation. It would at least give time for the two of you to get a break from each other but it might shock your wife into opening up about your communication problems and then you could talk about the core problems of your relationship.
Maybe you would realize you missed being with your family too. If not, proceed with the divorce. There's no harm in trying though.
This sounds like a good idea -as usual-
Oh sure, it will shock her into saying she is going to change. Every time we have gone to counseling she has said she is going to change. The one time I actually did move out, she said she was going to change.
As soon as I am back in the house, things go right back to the way they are. She does not really want to change. And why should she? It is not my place to make her change. She is who she wants to be, and if not, it is her own fault she is not.
She is not a bad person. She is a good mom. I just do not want to spend the rest of my life with someone who does not want an intimate adult relationship with me.
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Oh sure, it will shock her into saying she is going to change. Every time we have gone to counseling she has said she is going to change. The one time I actually did move out, she said she was going to change.
As soon as I am back in the house, things go right back to the way they are. She does not really want to change. And why should she? It is not my place to make her change. She is who she wants to be, and if not, it is her own fault she is not.
She is not a bad person. She is a good mom. I just do not want to spend the rest of my life with someone who does not want an intimate adult relationship with me.
Sorry to hear that, CF.
Whatever you do, good luck. I hope things work out for the best.
I hope things work out for the best.
Thanks.
Hope all turns out for the best of everyone. Your child included
Hope all turns out for the best of everyone. Your child included
Thanks.
I do not want to save the marriage. I would be the one doing all the work and would get very little for my effort. I would rather be alone and be able to do what I want to do rather than kiss her bum and still feel terribly alone.
If you don't mind me asking, why do you hesitate to say what's on your mind? Is it possible that some part of you doesn't believe what you are saying to yourself? I'm asking because I find that sometimes, when I'm hesitating to say something to my wife, it's because somewhere, deep inside, I'm aware that what I'm thinking is not necessarily what I'm feeling.
You told me once, that you are dissatisfied with your sex life, and that this is why you don't love your wife anymore. I doubt very seriously that's what it is. It may a symptom of a bigger problem, but I don't think that it's the problem itself. Like how your stomach hurts when you have the flu. Your stomach is not the cause of your sickness. It's the flu virus that's living inside you.
I have not been married as long as you have, and I do not have kids. However, there are times when I get angry with my wife, and there are times when I feel as if my life would be easier without her. Twice in my life, I came very close to telling her that I thought we would both be better off if we separated. Both times, I thought I knew what I was feeling. However, I came to realize, soon after, that what I really wanted was not separation. What I really wanted was to feel close to her, to tell her everything that I was feeling. Instead I felt separated, and unable to tell her anything. I don't know if that's what you're feeling right now, but regardless of whether it is or not, I think you need to figure out what it is you're feeling and tell your wife before you decide on any other course of action.
Right now, I think you're afraid to acknowledge what you're feeling. I think that's why you couch it in jokes, even here in this thread. What you're feeling right now, I'm aware, is very scary. However, you can't just run away from it, and hope that everything will be better once you're far away. You need to face your pain, and deal with it, or else it will chase you wherever you go.
You have a daughter. You can't run away from her, and you can't expect her to leave her mother either. Like it or not, she ties you to your wife, as much as she ties you to your pain. And whether you ultimately decide to stay with your wife or leave, you need to figure out how to amend whatever relationship you have with your wife, so that it doesn't hurt your daughter.
I suggested once that you write a letter to your wife. I still recommend that you write this letter. You don't have to give the letter to her, but it needs to say everything you feel about her and it needs to say everything you're feeling right now. If, after you write this letter, you still feel the way you do, then say so in the letter. Don't hold back. You've been running too long. Stand still and face yourself, or you'll be running away forever.
If you want an example of what such a letter might sound like, go to the following web page, and listen to the podcast, called "Letter to the Lady of the House. It's written by a man who's been married for seventy years. I think it is very insightful, and it might help you make sense of what you're feeling. Take care.
Contributor, RPG Superstar 2012
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Sorry to hear you're going through that, Court Fool. I know someone at my office who's in a similar situation, and he's just waiting it out until his kids finish school. At least your wife is a good mom. His wife is not--which is why he's sticking around.
I do hope things work out well for you.
Thank you for your post, DoveArrow.
I hesitate to talk to my wife because she denies, dismisses and deflects. Previously, when I would talk to her she would give counter points to all of mine which I would consider and determine to be valid. Then leave feeling like a jerk. Later, after consideration, I would realize that while she had valid points, they were often not relevant to mine. I am tired of standing up for her point of view. I want to stand up for my own now.
You are absolutely right that the sex is a symptom. The root problem is, in my estimation, I am tired of validating her and not being validated myself. Although, I still hold that sex once a year is not nearly enough.
This is not anger because she did not flush the toilet, left the cabinet doors open or lost her keys again. Sure, those irritate, but I get over them. I have been unhappy for years.
I will concede I hide behind humor. If I did not, I would probably be very depressed and consider suicide. What am I truly feeling? Anger. Frustration. Resentment. Disappointment in myself.
I am in no way considering abandoning my daughter. I realize that my wife will always be a part of my life because of my daughter. I accept that. I even believe that my wife and I can be friends. I need something more/else that she is incapable of offering.
I do not see it as running away. Maybe it is, but I just do not see it that way. I am not perfect and I know I could improve. No matter what I do, this situation will still be unacceptable. Why should I stay? For my daughter? That is a noble thought, but wouldn't that just teach her to settle? Shouldn't I teach her that a strong person knows when it is time to walk away?
This is not a passing fad. As I said, I have been unhappy for years. I can not tell the one person who I should be able to. I have thought about this for many years and I keep coming back to the same conclusion. What really kills me is that I fail to take that step. I feel like a coward.
Thanks, Taig.
Incidentally, I do not bring this up often because I know I would not want to listen to someone whine on and on about how unhappy they are but fail to do anything about it. Obviously it is starting to boil over since I am reaching out.
I appreciate the support. Thank you, all of you.
1) See if there is a friend who will let you crash at their place for an extended period will you get a new residence up and running, preferably not a mutual friend of your wife.
2) See about getting a storage shed to place all of your gaming material and other material that you view as valuable that she does not and that she might damage/destroy/toss while you are not living in the house.
3) See a divorce lawyer and start getting your ducks in a row, as a man, you are going to get shafted in the court system, this is a fact, prepare to make it as small of a shaft as possible. Be prepared to be accused of being abusive, both physically and mentally, this is a common tactic that women's attornies suggest, don't assume your wife is above it. We are talking high stakes here, alimony (she may have to pay you), visitation rights, custody rights, child support, property, etc. You don't have to be an jack-hole, but being nice only gets you screwed.
4) Finally see if someone can take your daughter for a weekend. Then tell your wife that you plan to end the marriage. Be prepared to leave within a few minutes. Let her know that you harbor no ill will, be understanding that she is likely to be very pissed since you have had time to prepare and she hasn't. Ask her to take time to adjust to the idea and that you two together should discuss it with your daughter when she returns from the weekend away.
EDIT: Also make sure you think about any money in savings and checking accounts as these may "mysteriously" disappear after you tell her.
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Having never been married, I can not say I can understand how you feel to the fullest extent, but I have had perhaps more than my fair share of bad relationships and as such you do have my condolences.
The one bit of advice I can give is, if you and your wife do decide to divorce, that you explain to your daughter fully what is going on. Ideally it would be both you and your wife speaking to her, but from the sound of it, it very well may end up being a one on one with her from both of you. Kids tend to be smarter than most folks give them credit for and can grasp concepts many consider out of the realm of understanding for kids.
Good luck, I wish you and your family the best in this situation.
Hey CF, I'll share and hope that it helps.
I got married to a great girl when I was 23. I think the problem my end was that I raced into a commitment that I was not ready for, nor did I fully understand what marriage means to other people. Ultimately I felt alone and I needed someone. When someone did show an interest in me, I latched on tightly. Things were great because I always had someone I could go home to for a short period (I was in the military and was away for up to 6 months of the year). When I got out of the military, i had a steady job and was home all the time. We were at each others throats constantly. Whilst we loved the concept of being a married couple, things just didn't work. We'd fight over the stupidest little things and then a symptom of that was the gradual decline of an intimate relationship. She bought two cats that saw more love than what I got - I was coming a distant third in that respect. What had been something fantastic had withered into a vile existence that I was too afraid to get out of.
I was too worried what other people were going to think if I divorced her.
At one point we had a trial separation but we got back together because of the same thing reared its head; I capitulated because I was lonely. I gave in and promised to be a better husband, which just meant that I had to shut up and only do couple things as well as pander to her idiosyncrasies.
Thing is, I gladly went back to that because I had come to the revelation that 'This is as good as it gets.' Resentment builds as it often does; I'd blow up, she'd throw stuff and I'd walk out. Rinse and repeat. These were over little things like wanting my own bank account or credit card, stuff like that. In the bedroom, things just stopped happening altogether. The day I realised I wanted out was a winter's day. We bought a heater during a long cold snap. It was the last one in the store and also the display model. I dislike display models and I didn’t want to get it. Naturally, I was glared at and berated in private. Imagine my surprise when we took it home and it didn't work.
I said: I told you so.
She said: So it doesn't work. Boo effing hoo: Why don’t you go kill yourself!?'
A chill settled on me then. I didn't talk to her for two weeks. She knew that she had crossed a line. I suffer from depression from time to time.
So this goes on for a few years, as I was still afraid of what other people were thinking. One day, I met a fantastic person, of course a girl. I can see that she is interested in me, so what the hell can I do? Do I have an affair? No, that isn’t right. Do I dump all this baggage on her? No, that is not right either. It is not her burden to bear.
And I didn't want to be relationship hopping. That is not solving my problem of being alone and being worried about what other people think.
So I manned up.
I told my wife that it was over. The pain on her face stays with me today. It is like experiencing the death of a loved one.
I moved into my own place for six months; it was hard, but it helped having a flatmate to keep me on the level. On weekends I went on camping trips, hikes and learnt to be a more self sufficient. It helped a lot. I played it cool with the girl and I asked her out after six months. She said yes.
That was six years ago last May, we are still together. I am turning 37 at the end of the year. I am confident enough to say that I am learning more about me as life goes on. My partner encourages me to do the things that I want to do, as long as we leave room for her to do the thing that she wants to do as well. We discuss compromise and respect each other. Of course nobody is perfect and during those times, we talk things through like adults. I respect her opinion and she respects mine. As humans do, we fail, we get angry or frustrated, but we work through it. It is easy, not because we have to work hard at it, but because we are compatible in that way. I can also confidently say we would not be together if we weren't.
If I am ever going to pass on anything to my children and grandchildren (which I can actually imagine having now) it would be to 'Follow your heart.' In my experience, I am glad that I did. Though Mr Global Recession has had me out of work since last year, I have turned my self-sufficiency to full time-writing. I'll let you know how that turns out one day ;)
I filed for divorce a few years ago. Happily, we have had an amicable separation and dissolution of marriage. We met for coffee a little while ago and she apologised for being so overbearing and abusive. I apologised for my own part and not taking responsibility sooner.
To end this post on an up-note: We love making fun of kitsch things by doing them. We have nearly completed our tour of regional New South Wales Chinese restaurants (where forks are common eating utensils --you have to ask for Chopsticks) where we get dressed up to the nines and opt to eat in while mingling with locals in tracksuit pants (sweatpants) ordering take-away Lemon Chicken.
One day, we'd both like to fly to Vegas and get married by an Elvis impersonator who's real name is Billy-Bob. I have asked to go to Gen Con for our honeymoon (not that that is kitsch, just plain crazy). We then have to somehow work in Route 66 as well.
So I am not going to offer you advice CF. Yours is your own life. We are here if you want to talk.
Thank you, Ungoth. That does sound eerily familiar. I have had a few of those chill moments and wondered what the hell I was doing. I would not say that she is abusive but I do question whether she really loves me or just loves the idea of having a family. We all have demons and while I can not say I have conquered all of mine, I do not think she has even faced hers.
Incidentally, I do not bring this up often because I know I would not want to listen to someone whine on and on about how unhappy they are but fail to do anything about it. Obviously it is starting to boil over since I am reaching out.
I can't speak for others, but I don't see you doing that (whining and whining and not doing anything about it). It seems like you have tried many of the things others have suggested.
I just hope that collectively we can help you through this unpleasant time.
That is what I am saying. I do not whine (much) about the situation. I do snark, maybe that is the same thing.
I accept that I am the only one that can do anything about it. I am exactly where I am because of the choices I made.
I do appreciate the sentiment, Taig. I do find it a little sad I do not have any close friends near by that I can talk to. All my old Army buddies, the ones I consider close friends, are several hours away. Some in different states. I do not feel comfortable airing my dirty laundry to my acquaintances. Sometimes, it is easier to open up to sympathetic strangers.
That is what I am saying. I do not whine (much) about the situation. I do snark, maybe that is the same thing.
I accept that I am the only one that can do anything about it. I am exactly where I am because of the choices I made.
I do appreciate the sentiment, Taig. I do find it a little sad I do not have any close friends near by that I can talk to. All my old Army buddies, the ones I consider close friends, are several hours away. Some in different states. I do not feel comfortable airing my dirty laundry to my acquaintances. Sometimes, it is easier to open up to sympathetic strangers.
I left the Navy back in 2001, though my closest friend lives maybe less than 30 mins drive away, it is sometimes awkward to catch him at an opportune time to talk. It is also hard trying to open up sometimes, especially if all you have is a voice on the other end of a line. Like you, I have a number of acquaintances, but to me, they are easy come, easy go in that regard.
If you want to discuss at something at length I am happy to try and help. I am not sure if I am able to post an email address here, but I am not one to chance the wrath of the indomitable Vic Wertz (and by indomitable, I mean unconquerable, invincible or untouchable, not stubborn). As Ungoth is an alias, I am sure you can find the real me. That is your google challenge for today: Give me an ego trip the size of the Jersey Turn-Pike.
Hi Court.
I wanted to add one thing I don't believe others have touched on enough.
As a adult that grew up in a similar enviroment where both parents were misserable but stayed together "for the children" do your child a favor and leave.
Kids know when their parents are unhappy and sometimes they try to be peacmaker or helpful or believe that if they hadn't come along mommy and daddy would have been happy.
It may not make sense to us as adults but I can assure you kids will come up with some wild ideas because they know "something" isnt right but they don't know how to fix it.
Be honest with your child and make sure she knows it isn't her fault and you will never stop loving her no matter what she hears from anybody else.
I wish you the best and I really hope you have a happier furture, nobody should waste years of their life doing what others say is the right thing if it's not the right thing for them!