Mitch: "It's nothing to be ashamed of - I had the same problem."
Phil: "Didn't you feel stupid-- I mean, didn't you feel... inadequate?"
Mitch: "Yeah, for a while, but then I overcame it. Can I explain it to you again? I mean, now, promise me you won't get upset."
Phil: "OK... it's not gonna to do any good."
Mitch: "OK, if you want to watch one show but record another show at the same time, the television set does not have to be on channel 3."
Phil: "Yeah it does."
Mitch: "No it doesn't."
Phil: "It does!"
Mitch: "No, if you're watching what you're recording, then it has to be on 3."
Phil: "What... the TV or... or the machine?"
Mitch: "The TV."
Phil: "You're saying I can record something I'm not even watching?"
Mitch: "Yes, that's the point. You don't even need a TV to record."
Phil: "How would I see it?"
Mitch: "Well, to see it you need a TV."
Ed: "Shut up! Just shut up! He doesn't get it! He'll never get it! It's been 4 hours! The cows can tape something by now! Forget about it, please!"
Phil: "How do you do the clock?"
Ed: "You're dead. You are dead."
- exchange between Mitch Robbins (Billy Crystal), Phil Berquist (Daniel Stern), and Ed Furillo (Bruno Kirby), in the film City Slickers
Praxagora: "I want all to have a share of everything and all property to be in common; there will no longer be either rich or poor; [...] I shall begin by making land, money, everything that is private property, common to all. [...]"
Blepyrus: "But who will till the soil?"
Praxagora: "The slaves."
- Aristophanes, in his 392 BC political satire Ecclesiazusae (The Assemblywomen)
"I had this one night stand, and I felt so guilty about it I bought another one for the other side of the bed."
- Marcy B. (via Facebook)
More ancient Greek political humor:
"A demagogue must be neither an educated nor an honest man; he has to be an ignoramus and a rogue."
- Aristophanes, Hippeîs (The Knights)
Also, from the same play:
"Come, bring hither quick a flagon of wine, that I may soak my brain and get an ingenious idea."
"Where the f$+$ is he supposed to be from? He sounds like an Irishman trying to scare the Irish out of his voice."
- Cracked's Tom Ryman, commenting on the performance of Irish actor Aidan Gillen as Petyr "Littlefinger" Baelish on the TV series Game Of Thrones
"He's so bad at doing accents that his real accent sounds fake."
- Cracked's Tom Ryman, on American actor Keanu Reeves
"I know it's hard to believe, but... underneath all this genius, I'm simply a human. But I'm working on that."
- J.P. (Joel David Moore), Grandma's Boy
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Ezra Bridger (Taylor Gray): "I do not fear you!"
Darth Vader (James Earl Jones): "Then you will die braver than most."
- Star Wars Rebels
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"Patriotism is when love of your own people comes first; nationalism, when hate for people other than your own comes first."
- Charles de Gaulle
"Intelligence without ambition is a bird without wings."
- Salvador Dali
"Economists tend to think they are much, much smarter than historians, than everybody. And this is a bit too much because at the end of the day, we don't know very much in economics."
- Thomas Piketty
"The universe is made of stories, not of atoms."
- Muriel Rukeyser
"The mind has its own logic but does not often let others in on it."
- Bernard DeVoto
"A gender-equal society would be one where the word 'gender' does not exist: where everyone can be themselves."
- Gloria Steinem
"War is only a cowardly escape from the problems of peace."
- Thomas Mann
"When the whole world is silent, even one voice becomes powerful."
- Malala Yousafzai
“The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated.”
― Mahatma Gandhi
"If you see the magic in a fairy tale, you can face the future."
- Danielle Steel
“Christian morality (so called) has all the characters of a reaction; it is, in great part, a protest against Paganism. Its ideal is negative rather than positive; passive rather than action; innocence rather than Nobleness; Abstinence from Evil, rather than energetic Pursuit of Good: in its precepts (as has been well said) 'thou shalt not' predominates unduly over 'thou shalt.”
― John Stuart Mill, On Liberty
"I think computer viruses should count as life. I think it says something about human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive. We've created life in our own image."
- Stephen Hawking
"Adults are obsolete children."
- Dr. Seuss
"I used to think 'King Lear' was an analysis of insanity, but I don't really think it is. When Lear is supposed to be at his most insane, he is actually understanding the world for the first time."
- Ian McKellen
"Once in one's life, for one mortal moment, one must make a grab for immortality; if not, one has not lived."
- Sylvester Stallone
“Reality is broken. Game designers can fix it.”
― Jane McGonigal
"I have never eaten a bacon sandwich thinking for a moment that it was all about the Harrison Ford Indiana Jones bacon. It needs the Steven Spielberg bread and butter behind the scenes making it brilliant. Bacon on its own is just like watching a load of Harrison Ford interviews."
- David Mitchell, David Mitchell's Soapbox
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"The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of miseries." -Winston Churchill
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"The problem with socialism is that you eventually run out of other peoples' money."- Margaret Thatcher
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"Socialism states that you owe me something simply because I exist. Capitalism, by contrast, results in a sort of reality-forced altruism: I may not want to help you, I may dislike you, but if I don't give you a product or service you want, I will starve. Voluntary exchange is more moral than forced redistribution."
"When people are desperate or wealthy, they turn to socialism; only when they have no other alternative do they embrace the free market. After all, lies about guaranteed security are far more seductive than lectures about personal responsibility."
-Ben Shapiro
"In practice, socialism didn't work. But socialism could never have worked because it is based on false premises about human psychology and society, and gross ignorance of human economy."-David Horowitz
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"The first man who, having enclosed a piece of ground, bethought himself of saying 'this is mine,' and found people simple enough to believe him, was the real founder of civil society. From how many crimes, wars and murders, from how many horrors and misfortunes might not any one have saved mankind, by pulling up the stakes, or filling up the ditch, and crying to his fellows, 'beware of listening to this impostor; you are undone if you once forget that the fruits of the earth belong to us all, and the earth itself to nobody.'"
- Jean-Jacques Rousseau
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"Remember that a government big enough to give you everything you want is also big enough to take away everything you have." — Barry Goldwater
"Socialism has no moral justification whatsoever; poor people are not morally superior to rich people, nor are they owed anything by rich people simply because of their lack of success. Charity is not a socialist concept - it is a religious one, an acknowledgment of God's sovereignty over property, a sovereignty the Left utterly rejects."-Ben Shapiro
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"Much of the social history of the Western world, over the past three decades, has been a history of replacing what worked with what sounded good."-Thomas Sowell
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"Here we go again...."
- Eeyore
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"Government, even in its best state, is but a necessary evil; in its worst state, an intolerable one."-Thomas Paine
Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other."
"The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help."-Ronald Reagan
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"Sometimes the only choices that you have to make are bad ones. But you still have to choose" - The Doctor
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"Here we go again..."
- Eeyore
"Here we go again..."
- C-3P0 (Anthony Daniels), Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi| 2 people marked this as a favorite. |
"Here we go again..."
- Eeyore"Here we go again..."
- C-3P0 (Anthony Daniels), Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi
"Here it goes again..."
- OK Go, "Here It Goes Again"| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
"I reject your reality and substitute my own!"
~ Paul Bradford, The Dungeonmaster
Later popularized by Adam Savage, MythBusters
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"'Your culture will adapt to service us.' Are we sure this is the Borg and not just Comcast?"
~ Lewis "Linkara" Lovhaug, Star Trek: First Contact #1 review
"I like my vampires like I like tomatoes... Sun dried."
- Me
"I don't ask to be your sword, but if you'll have me I will be your shield and your staff."
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"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has."
Margaret Mead
The Operative: You're fighting a war you've already lost.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Yeah, well, I'm known for that.
Serenity
Simon: Um, I’m trying to put this as delicately as I can… how do I know you won’t kill me in my sleep?
Mal: Listen, you don’t know me, son, so I’m gonna say this once: if I ever kill you, you’ll be awake, you’ll be facing me, and you’ll be armed.
Simon: Are you always this sentimental?
Mal: I had a good day.
Simon: You had the Alliance on you, criminals and savages… half the people on this ship have been shot or wounded, including yourself, and you’re harboring known fugitives.
Mal: We’re still flying.
Simon: That’s not much.
Mal: It’s enough.
Also both Firefly (yes, I am a brown coat, don't make me distract you while Zoe gets around behind and clocks your brain pan!)
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"Anybody can become angry - that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way - that is not within everybody's power and is not easy."
- Aristotle
"You cannot conceive the many without the one."
- Plato
"If a man is proud of his wealth, he should not be praised until it is known how he employs it."
- Socrates
"The wisest men follow their own direction."
- Euripides
“Give me a place to stand, and a lever long enough, and I will move the world.”
― Archimedes
“What cannot be said will be wept.”
― Sappho
"Wise people, even though all laws were abolished, would still lead the same life."
- Aristophanes
"The whole earth is the tomb of heroic men and their story is not given only on stone over their clay but abides everywhere without visible symbol woven into the stuff of other men's lives."
- Pericles
"Fast is fine, but accuracy is everything."
- Xenophon
"If you were to offer a thirsty man all wisdom, you would not please him more than if you gave him a drink."
- Sophocles
"Man is most nearly himself when he achieves the seriousness of a child at play."
- Heraclitus
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"What's with the tone? I'm not here to hurt your egg. I like your egg."
- Poe Dameron
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"I think fame itself is not a rewarding thing. The most you can say is that it gets you a seat in restaurants." - David Bowie
"Non aliqua melior semper anhelat."
- Unknown
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"There are no solutions, only trade-off."- Thomas Sowell
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"It is blasphemy to say we can be beaten while I am alive!" - The Black Prince, at Poitiers
"Any road followed precisely to its end leads precisely nowhere." - Frank Herbert, Dune
"Do something, even if it's wrong." - Unofficial doctrine of the United States Army Infantry School.
"The United States could not be bought, or even intimidated, but it had a long history of looking the other way if not immediately threatened." -T.R.Fehrenbach, This Kind of War(1963)
"G$$~*&it, get back up on that hill! You'll die down here anyway- you might as well go up on the hill and die there!" - Lieutenant Thomas Heath, G Company, 23rd Infantry, Chipyong-ni.
"It is easier to fight one's enemies than to get on with one's friends." - Cardinal de Retz
"Power is eaten whole"- Congolese saying.
"No matter how hard you throw a dead fish in the water, it still won't swim." - Congolese saying.
"Like most people who are ugly on both sides of their skin, Manfried detested handsome people on general principle."- Jesse Bullington, The Sad Tale of the Brothers Grossbart
"But that was civilization, so far as Logen could tell. People with nothing better to do,dreaming up ways to make easy things difficult." -Joe Abercrombie, somewhere in the First Law Trilogy... I want to say it's from the first book.
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"The world of Dark Souls is caught in an endless cycle of Fire and Dark, and each game takes place in the final days of a dwindling Age of Fire. Someone must either link the Fire to continue postponing the inevitable, or just toss it all in and get a Dark Age going. Sort of like the choice between a Clinton and Trump Presidency."
~ Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw, Dark Souls III review
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"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing."
-Edmund Burke
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"I'd rather die on my feet, than live on my knees.
-Emiliano Zapata Salazar
Inara: You're very quiet.
Fess: I'm sorry. I just...I just thought I'd feel... different... after. Aren't I supposed to be a man now?
Inara: A man is just a boy who's old enough to ask that question. Our time together... It's a ritual, a symbol. It means something to your father. I hope it was not entirely forgettable for you.
Fess: No, it was...
Inara: But it doesn't make you a man. You do that yourself.
-Firefly
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The Evolution of Philosophy (courtesy of Reddit):
"What does it mean to be good?"
- Aristotle
"What does it mean to be?"
- Rene Descartes
"What does it mean?"
- Friedrich Nietzsche
"What does "it" mean?"
- Bertrand Russell
"What does it?"
- C.S. Lewis
"What?"
- Lil' Jon