Sickened by the endless praise heaped on my nemesis Logue, I thought it would be fun to take advantage of his oh-so-rare silence by manipulating his fondness for calling himself a thespian5/monk3/adventure writer3 and coming up with a list of things he'd be if he were a monster or PC.
I've already had one take with Little Goule (heh) but Nick seemed to regard this as beneath him and somehow upset that he'd made me a dazzling high-level cad with a silver tongue and vast acting skills whilst I'd made him a vile scrap of childlike skin with wings.
So, let me commmence:
(for those concerned that Nick will be cross about this let me reassure you that he'll think it's a wedding present and he'll love the attention in his abscence)(in fact getting attention when he isn't here will make him even more intolerably enthusiastic when he gets back).
If Nick was an orc:
Throst MummyPants - male orc bard 6
Throst is the tribe singer, a pale orc who tends to the fashions of men he spend most of his time in his hut, which has been built for him on the outskirts of the village in case any other orc tribe leaders see it when visiting and decide the tribe are easy meat. Throst's hut is decorated with tribal fetishes, mask of smiling antelopes dancing with sheep, and mobiles depicting suns and moons with happy smiling faces. Throst's mother recently threw him out of her own hut, tired of being kept awake by his endless songwriting and scraping on his violin. Now the bard has all the time he wants to write his songs, including I think it's bad to fight; let's collect flowers and not have a battle, and his least popular sometimes I dream I'm an elf (and you know what, it's not too bad).
If Nick was a dwarf:
Thinny StubbleChin - male dwarf aristocrat 2
They always bully Thinnly - it's not his fault he can't grow a beard and has to make do with stubble, and if that wasn't bad enough, the younger dwarves have taken to calling him girlchin in front of his friends. Thinnly, Chief MightyAxe XI's twelth and youngest son is far happier in the hills above the mine he works in, ever since his horrible accident involving him getting lost in Spooky Mine when he was a child. Thinny's saving grace is that he's a magnificent diplomat - no dwarf has ever been able to sit at the same table as the Elves of Tullgy Wood, let alone eat their fancy buns shaped like unicorns, honey coated seed cakes cunningly made to look like mushroom people, and drink their non-alchoholic elderflower nectar in flagons of crystal covered with filgree work depicting happy dinosaurs.
If Nick was a roper:
Glowy Shortarms - male roper expert 7
The monocle wearing flourescent orange roper Shortarms finds his strangely hued skin a disadvantage when it comes to blending into cavern walls, and was quickly removed from the crack front line Cunning Roper Assault Parties of King M'NNnnar the Mighty. Finding time on his tentacles, he has taken up basket weaving, fashioning fine wicker baskets, bread holders and picnic hampers for the ungrateful ropers, who can't seem to find any use for the items he makes. He's considering moving to a nearby man-town, but is having difficulty finding six-armed jumpers, single huge shoes, and hats that fit
M'nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnar:)
So you don't want a ride to the wedding in my aquacar? 0_o
saddle up apone
fry out city for this puppy
actually, a roper-only version of that could be quite cool....hmmmmmmmmmmmm
What are we waiting for cigar shaped people - breakfast in cave?
M'naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar.
Now stand still people...
we still got a job to do, keep it still people
Perhaps the harshness of my entry deviates from the more subtle and ability-taunting Pettite template set forth above, but it's a roast after all and we're far less dry on this side of the pond. With love for the big man... an unflattering lycanthropy.
If Nick was a were-shark:
Gluggy Flukeman -- male halfling were-shark expert 4 (professional repellent)
Gluggy never fit in with other children, perhaps due to his bedraggled hygeine, perhaps his inability to control his rose-wilting vapors. Thus, upon turning fifteen he quested to the highest beachside bluff and, there despairing, threw himself to the sharks, one of which was a were-shark who sampled Gluggy for a mere moment before rejecting him with a gurgling retch. For some odd reason the treacherous odor and unsavoriness of the shabby halfling's skin amplified tenfold underwater. Now a recently bitten were-shark himself, Gluggy found that no fish or briny monster would come anywhere near him and so he hired himself out to the local fisherman as a herder. Gluggy learned that by getting behind a school of fish he could quite deftly control the direction in which they fled from him; right into the waiting nets of man. He took his payment in rope-tied parcels of squid butt and pike nuts by fishermen ever so careful to wear clothespins on their noses lest they succumb to the were-shark's emanant miasmic mist, pitch forward, and drown. In a recent penny dreadful interview Gluggy insisted that although he didn't love his job he still did it "just for the halibut."
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if Nick were a gnoll
Gnick Lognue, 2nd level gnoll commoner
The other gnolls don't cotton to Gnick, because he's not a proper gnoll at all. Instead of being got by rubbing togeter two gnolls, Gnick was spawned by rubbing together a troll and a gnome. How this came about is another story entirely. Nonetheless, for some reason he has a hyena head and a long natty mane which he braids in what would be called French braids, if the world he hails from had a France, and which he wears pansies and daffodils in; something Gnick definitely has a nack for.
Which is one of the main reasons all the gnolls don't appreciate Gnick all that much--this behaviour is considered ungnoll-ly, and hence reason for immediate body part removal.
Also, due to his trollish ancestry, his body parts keep growing back.
Due to his gnomish ancestry, however, they often are of extremely small size. This is also aesthetically irritating to his gnollish brethren, and the impetus for a vicious circle.
I get it. Gnome + Troll = Gnoll. Killer good. That dude is a masochism machine!
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I expect this guy to make a cameo in Nick's ogrish Pathfinder adventure.
If Nick was an ogre:
Gullo the gentle-- male ogre aristocrat 4
Blessed by Vaprak with prodigious stength and size, as well as quickness and nimble feet, Gullo seemed destined for greatness. However, it was not to be - instead of glorious battle, his tastes tend towards cross-dressing theatrical productions, tea ceremonies and cherry blossom appreciation. The closest he gets to realising his vast martial potential is to play-act fights; this pacific demeanor means that even little girl-ogres make faces at him and call him names, as even these exceedingly dull-witted little monsters realise that he will probably start crying instead of punishing them for their bratty behaviour.
No fair, Vatnisse did a proper satire of the man himself, including acting, martial prowess, and tea, and I just said he reeked. lol
I be in so much trouble.
You're in the zone, Norseman!
Nah - accordion-playing, verse-spouting, hula-dancing undead corpse-eaters are staples of folk tales everywhere. Aren't they?
Of course...the dreaded tales my grandfather used to weave!!!
Tower shield... ;)
Yep, he also eventually replaced my broomstick with a stout oak cudgel, but by then we had to stop "sword-fighting" because someone got a hair-line fracture and a parent got a case of the ass. To be expected, of course....
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I love big fish...
If Nick was an aboleth:
Gue'cill-nooas -- male aboleth expert 6
Strange and inscrutable even by the depraved and twisted standards of his foul race, Gue'cill-nooas has taken the aboleth habit of memory absorption through consumption to new, disturbing heights. His unhealthy obsession with the poetic writings of lost civilisations has driven him to ruthlessly dominate scholars and then messily devour them. However, as no reputable scholars willingly associate with such a vile beast, Gue'cill-nooas now "farms" a large tribe of troglodytes, magically forcing the odious reptilians to acquire obscure knowledge - and then eating them. This diet of troglodyte sages has made the aboleth powerful - as well as bloated and smelly. Even other aboleths now scurry away from his gelatinous bulk, as they know that Gue'cill-nooas' arrival is the harbinger of doom and misery.
Hmm, strange. My post earlier didn't actually show up. In any case, good stuff all.
And Pett I still want to know why you weren't Logue's best man? :P
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If Nick was a dusk giant:
Cungas the Kabuki Cannibal-- male dusk giant bard 3
Dusk giants are voracious predators that are constantly driven to consume intelligent prey. However, when you are a large flesh-eating fiend with an obsession for kimonos, cross-dressing and theatrical face-paint, intelligent prey is hard to come by. Thus, due to his lack of proper sustenance, Cungas is small and runty by dusk giant standards, as he lets his love of play-acting come in the way of his ravenous hunger. Cungas' fellow actors are unaware of his real identity, dismissing his massive stature, rough, scaly hide, hunched posture, unusually long arms tipped with huge, clawed hands and constant reek of old, moldering blood as "artistic licence" and a "cool, nonconformist image". Indeed, his "dangerous" personae gets him lots and lots of female attention. However, the theatre-loving monstrosity occasionally loses his composure and promptly rips his audience into convenient, bite-sized pieces. Fortunately for him, his plays are only watched by freaks and outcasts, whom nobody will miss.
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One more...
If Nick was a bullywug:
Croakmaster Cigallo-- male bullywug bard 4
No other bullywug has a bigger throat pouch than Cigallo, who loves showing off its delicate filigree of pink and orange to anyone interested. A tireless performer, Cigallo gets up at the crack of dawn, drowning out all other swamp noises with his thunderous croaks. His fellow clan-toads would have been immensely poroud to have such a loud and dedicated performer in their midst, but Cigallo's peculiar habits of decorating his body with brightly coloured orchids and swirls of greasepaint make them worry about the nature of his inner frog. A carefree spirit, Cigallo refuses to let the ambivalence of his fellow froggies get him down - after all, all he ever wanted was to dance, hop and croak under the bright, warm sun, and he has plenty of time for that.
This is my favourite thread ever:)
It will be my favorite ever....in about 2 weeks.... 0_00
Heh, it will be fun to see how Logue responds to this thread when he comes back.
One more...
If Nick was a bullywug:
Croakmaster Cigallo-- male bullywug bard 4
No other bullywug has a bigger throat pouch than Cigallo, who loves showing off its delicate filigree of pink and orange to anyone interested. A tireless performer, Cigallo gets up at the crack of dawn, drowning out all other swamp noises with his thunderous croaks. His fellow clan-toads would have been immensely poroud to have such a loud and dedicated performer in their midst, but Cigallo's peculiar habits of decorating his body with brightly coloured orchids and swirls of greasepaint make them worry about the nature of his inner frog. A carefree spirit, Cigallo refuses to let the ambivalence of his fellow froggies get him down - after all, all he ever wanted was to dance, hop and croak under the bright, warm sun, and he has plenty of time for that.
This is the best one so far. Made me laugh out loud. :)
This is the best one so far. Made me laugh out loud. :)
Yeah. Vatnisse really threw off the curve. I wish the delete function wasn't time sensitive.
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Hey, thanks, guys!
For what it is worth, the one I liked the best was actually the banjo'n'hula-ghoul... However, there are only so many things I can do with kabuki and play-fighting, not to mention that there are not all that many yucky monsters to apply the concepts to... I love assembling NPCs, though, even if I'm a little empty right now. Hopefully my muse will return. *mad cackle*
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If Nick was a unfortunate crossbreed between two loathsome, horrid species:
Giulc the gnome goblin -- male half-goblin monk 2/bard 3
Giulc was conceived under circumstances best not dwelt on too closely - his father was a goblin and his mother a gnome. Their spawn was cursed with the dominant features of both his progenitors' races - the buggy eyes and flat, toothy face of a goblin, as well as the wispy facial hair and garish, tasteless personality of a gnome. Unfortunately, both species also shun him, as he makes them uncomfortably aware of their own contemptibleness. The wretched outcast has turned to musical theatre to escape the rejection and scorn of his fellows - while onstage, he can be any creature or character he wants, instead of just a bug-eating, goateed little weirdo.
now that my inventive chum opens a whole new avenue:)
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If Nick was an adorable robot:
Log1-- male personality warforged bard 3
As seen on QVC - the Quality Value Crystal-ball network:
*overly enthusiastic voiceover* "Parents! Aren't you tired of raising your bratty kids? Well, the product you have been waiting for can now be found right here on the Hour of Artifice!"
*crystal ball-view zooms to square-jawed salesperson, standing next to towering, spiky warforged*
"Welcome to the d'Cannith Hour of Artifice, brought to you by House d'Cannith!! Let's take our first call. Thrane, you're on"
*squeaky, faint voice* "Frankly, I have reservations about having my children raised by such a big and powerful machine"
"I'm glad you broght that up, Thrane. Actually, the picture s slightly misleading, as what we are selling is actually this" *crystal-ball view shifts to the left, revealing a smaller blue and pink warforged. Its sharper edges have been padded with yellow foam with dinosaur print* "This is Log1, the perfect nanny for terrible tots. Show them what you've got, Loggy"
*Log1 declares a haiku, before tapdancing across the stage whie playing banjo. The studio audience applauds wildly*
"Impressed, Thrane? We sure are here!"
"Oh my god! It is so cute; I love it. In fact, I think I'll need two, so that one can take care of me, too!"
"Excellent! Now, for our nexZZCHZZZ *transmisson breaks up*
I suppose we should alert Nick to all the good work in this tribute/roast. Hard for me to do because my send-up was just insulting and not a proper or fitting satire, but the others worthily deserve a gander.
Oh,...I think he knows.
Cool. I saw his post expressing faux displeasure with Pett and his minions... I just wasn't sure he knew about this little bomb-in-a-cake.
Am I... am I a Pett minion now?
Ha! He's even sending me threatening emails hinting at diabolic revenge:)