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134 - You find yourself arguing with your friends and family over what alignment superheroes are.
91. A small green skinned goblin sits drinking fine wine, dressed in Leaf Armour, complaining in Elven about how his brothers will not accept him as a fellow elf, to his "Twin-Brother" an elf who will not dash the dreams of his brother of becoming an elf one day. [DC 10 perception and 10 minutes of listening to overhear that goblin's misguided dream]
*I must remember at dinner time Rock is not a dwarven delicacy. *I must remember at dinner time Log is not an elven delicacy.
*My bard cannot play or has ever heard of the theremin, didgeridoo or glass armonica.
*Not allowed to use more than 3 words per game that the GM has to look up the definition.
*If at any point if my dwarf takes on the mannerisms of Macho Man Randy Savage, he dies.
*My 3rd ed. Red Wizard is not allowed to start a business named Thay Co.
*When the other guy picks swords for the choice of weapons, that does not leave me pistols.
*Not allowed to by a holy symbol for every god just in case one of them is right.
*Gnomes do not have the racial ability 'impromptu kickstand'
*My monk's lips must be in sync.
*Green mushrooms do not grant me a contingent raise dead. ah but don't forget *Green mushrooms, despite all the stereotypes, do not infact give you a life! *Nor do red mushrooms make you grow up
*I will stop making quicklings drink Mountain Dew
*despite what the rules say, i can always hit my own touch armour class to scratch
*Like a cow who goes to the well to often, I will stop speaking only in metaphors. *The ability to mimic other people's luck powers does not make me a karma chameleon. *Dwarves do not have the racial ability to merge into a larger, more powerful dwarf. *None of the Summon Animal spells will get me the drummer from the Muppets. *The concept of puberty is not alien to the elves. *Burning Orb spell doesn't cause jock itch. *My bard will not stop every passing minstrel for a round of Dueling Banjos. *I will not convince the dragon to eat the elf instead because he's organically grown. *The spell is called Prismatic Spray, not Taste the Rainbow. *Before we start the dungeon crawl, I don't have to have my monk oiled down. *The Dirty Harry 'Feeling Lucky Punk' speech doesn't work with a longbow. *We are NOT 'The Jedi Knights Who Say Ni'!
*Setting Jawas on fire with a magnifying glass is an automatic dark side point. *We will limit the total amount of conversation on the topic of "Hot Gnome on Gnome action." *Portable Plothole is not a real magic item. *The Monkey Grip feat doesn’t have anything to do with gripping monkeys. *It's obvious I'm just playing a skald so I can sing "Bjeorning, Bjoerning, Disco Inferno" *The primary dwarf subraces aren’t Sedimentary, Igneous and Metamorphic. *Bleaching the drow won't help. *Doing 50 in a 45 does not cause an alignment check for the paladin. *Montaigne aren't required to surrender after the second turn. *When the DM sobers up, my paladin's flumph mount is as good as dead. *Zentradi are not good eating. *Wizards do not have to save against carpal tunnel syndrome. *When the dwarf has an idea, no making the "He's drunk" motion behind his back.
*For the last time, the elf wears the maid disguise and the troll wears the bouncer disguise. *There is no such thing as a Gnomish Pygmy Seeing Eye Rhino. *I will not taunt the minotaur with ‘How appropriate, you fight like a cow’ *The 10’ pole in the starting equipment list cannot support the weight of an exotic dancer. *Even if my character is Canadian, that doesn’t mean he can take a 1.524 meter free step. *A NASCAR pit crew cannot repair all my vehicle’s damage in one round. *Black and Decker does not make droids. *The very concept of a Hutt lap dancer will earn me a dark side point. *You cannot tell if somebody is a power gamer by the faint smell of Gouda. *Even if we are told to pick a manly name for the game, Genocidicles is a bit much. *If unsure of what side of the road we drive on, the middle of the road is not a healthy compromise. *Brute squads make poor bridesmaids. The reverse is not necessarily true. *Guardian mode is not just for flipping people the bird in the middle of battle. *I will not tell the new players gelatinous cubes come in a variety of yummy flavors. *The cleric is not tax exempt. *I will not use the mass suggestion spell to make the elf babes to make out. *Gnomes are not nature's tripods. *Dwarves do not groom themselves like cats. Or baboons. *Elves do have Nipples. *Halflings are not used as currency.
Your DM has obviously never had a 2 year old in the house... dont forget alot of these aren't mine
*A 2nd level commoner is not twice as common as a 1st level commoner. *Our mission is to rescue the princess. Not to bring Sexy back. *The party leader is not the one that looks best in a chainmail bikini. *My knight will not buy a Shetland pony just so he can use his lance underground. *I will stop asking NPC’s how much XP they are worth. *The seduction skill does not have a to hit on roll. *When asked what game we want to LARP, Frogger is not an option. *Chewing hoagga leaves does not make me a g!!&~$med sexual rhinodon. *It’s okay to feed the Ewok after midnight. *My last wish cannot be for a cage match between Cthulhu, Godzilla, Galactus and the Tarrasque. *There is no such thing as ‘ambiguously elven’ *I will stop trying to put the Halfling in a diabetic coma. *The Vulcan neck pinch doesn’t work in campaigns without Vulcans. *It's a strangehold. Not an Ogryn neck pinch. *It’s okay if you name your Kindred Alucard. But I still can’t name my Garou Namflow *My fighter can’t use the Bestiary as a To-Do list. *My Paladin can’t be charged with sexual harassment if he doesn’t watch exactly where he lays on hands. *Gold dragons do not conduct electricity better than other dragons.
*Holding the hand crossbow sideways ‘gangsta style’ does not add to my intimidate check. *We will not gut every animal we kill to see if they have treasure inside like in video games. *I will call the elf druid by his real impossibly long elf name, and not just Llanowar Leafblower. *I will also not simply refer to the elf druid as that dirty, dirty hippie. *There is no such thing as a Dwarven Battle Perm. *Even if I can prove at least a half dozen practical uses for it, I can’t have a slip and slide for the dungeon crawl. *Even if we are Womprat hunting, we don’t have to dye the wookie fluorescent orange. *When told to dress like a Goth I will make sure with no uncertainty whether they mean black clothes and eyeliner or chainmail and shield. *There is no such thing as a brothel crawl. *“Everybody Wang Chung tonight” is not an acceptable use of the Mass Suggestion spell. *Even if he used INT as a dump stat, I don’t have to carve ‘this end towards enemy’ on the barbarian’s axe blade. *I cannot wish that someone else was an Oscar Meyer weiner. *I will stop referring to the Eladrin as just the Elf Mk II. *Add Bulldozers to the list of things vampires are allergic to. *Can’t strangle a werewolf with a roll of Kodak film, no matter what we all know it’s made out of. *I cannot RickRoll people with any video that increases their Mythos Lore. *I will refrain from casting Dimension Jump and Magnificent Mansion on every police box we pass. *My weapon is a +3 Flaming Flail. Not my Great Balls of Fire.
*Note to self: Lightsaberchucks...BAD IDEA *The expressive dance skill is not a substitute for language skills. *If we have to add a new PC mid-campaign, he doesn't have to pass a drug test first. *Under no circumstances does my mind-blade sound like a lightsaber. At all. *I may not give the continent of Australia away as part of a bribe *My Chaotic Good female wood elven Ranger of Mielikki is not motivated primarily by phat l00t. *My Warforged band may not play “Ironman” in the main square of ANY town (even if they are pro-Warforged) *Perform (Crowd Surfing) is not a skill. *"PWNED" is not an acceptable Arcane Mark *Stone to Flesh, a large stone cavern, and a fireball do not make for perpetual hot meat. *I am not allowed to convince the newbie that he is required to play a bard in order to provide my character with theme music. *Cookware on my head does not affect my AC. *There is no such thing as "Dire Ewoks" *I may not use my bard's groupies as ablative armor. *When asked a question, my bard needs to occasionally answer with something other than "We're on a mission from God".
*I am not Bjorn of Borg. *If Australia doesn't exist, I can't use my Australian accent. Even if I am playing a space koala. *I will not make my castle's halls 9x9x9' to keep out gelatinous cubes. *The most important stat in Call of Cthulhu is not movement. *No matter his age, my bard can't start a boy-band. *If I don't have an instrument for my bardic song, an 'air mandolin' won't suffice. *Elves aren't marsupials. *Even if we're freezing to death, I won't cut open the half-orc and shove the elf inside him. *There is no such thing as a Tequila Golem. *Disable plot device is not a real skill. *Even if starving, can't suckle the elf chick. *David Bowie cannot cast glitterdust at will. This issue is also closed. *If I am in space, wearing a foil outfit, I am NOT David Bowie. *Dwarves can't take trees as favored enemies. *I can't beat on the drow until he admits his name is Toby. *I will stop referring to the powergamer as MinMaximus. *The script for the Baywatch movie does not cause more Sanity loss than the Necronomicon.
*I will concede we're on a dungeon crawl and stop trying to talk to the monsters. *Bigby's Offensive Finger is not a real spell. *I do not put the cad in decadent, nor the rave in depraved. *My halfling cannot take the flaw Obsession: Ring of Invisibility. *After cleaning out Ravenloft, when it's my turn to pick treasure, can't call dibs on the castle. *If I want to play a rampaging nordic warrior and get handed a treehugging elf hippie instead, I can't play her like a rampaging nordic warrior. *Even if I am playing a chick, I can't spend all my starting cash on shoes. *Halflings do not store food in their cheeks for winter. *Elves are not deciduous. *Despite evidence to the contrary, half-elves do not automatically go both ways. *Breast enhancing spells gain no benefits from meta-magic feats. *Dwarves do not get Roto-Rooters as racial weapons. *Cultists tend to notice if you've replaced their summoning ritual with Jitterbug instructions. *I will not have the architect build my castle using a hexadecimal base to screw with the powergamer. *I will not fill the bag of holding with dirt so we can just fill in pit traps as we detect them. *Humming the James Bond theme in the middle of a Black Ops doesn't give me any bonuses.
*Large dice are for rolling. Not sound effects. *While the party is off searching for secret doors, can't position the slain orcs in compromising positions. *Taking the orc warlord's skull as a trophy is acceptable. Not as a hand puppet. *Sending the villain a nymph stripper only works once. *Cannot challenge anyone to a dance off. To the death. *Augment their psi means their mental powers, not their air pressure. *If everybody in the room is in black leather, we're in the thieves' guild. Not a fetish club. *Elves do not respond to chainsaws the same ways dogs react to vacuum cleaners. *Despite the song's claim, a pelvic thrust does not cause Sanity loss. *I will stop reminding Elminster he's not as cool as Merlin, Gandalf or that shapechanging wizard from Krull. *When handed Dieties and Demigods and told to pick a god for my druid, I will skip right by the Cthulhu Mythos. *It doesn't matter how high his hit points or damage reduction are, we aren't sending the dwarf into battle via catapult. *Polymorph Mother-in-Law is not a real spell. *We will not take the dead dryad with us to use as kindling. *I will not keep reincarnating that bugbear until he comes back as something we can actually eat.
*No, there is not a Mr. Of Arc. No, I still can't hit on her. *Cannot take the flaw Obsession: Elf Chick's lingerie. *Adding hydrolics to my R2 unit does not give him an intimidate bonus. *Apparently Chaotic Angry and Neutral Hungry aren't real alignments either. *Holding a pillow over a sleeping person's face is not a gnomish expression of affection. *Not allowed to take a toad for a familiar just for its pharmaceutical properties. *Not allowed to forge the 1.1 ring. *Burning my bard song on CD and putting it on repeat does not mean the effect never ends. *My great axe priviledges can be taken away. *Tai Kwan Doberman is not a real martial art. *The following are also not acceptable Ironclaw characters: Mortal Wombat, Dalai Llama, Boom Orangutan. *Monks do not make 3 Stooges sounds in combat. *"Start a career in modeling" is not an appropriate use of the Suggestion spell. *Despite the movie's claims, Wookies get no racial bonus for chess.
*My alignment is not Sarcastic Good. *A crayon is typically going to cause a penalty to my forgery skill. *Changing sexes is restricted to male or female. *The line on my character sheet for 'Sex' is not for keeping score. *My Paladin will stop referring to her detect evil power as Evildar. *Unlike real life, I don't gain the whirlwind attack to smack all my backtalking children. *When deciding what to do with the ancient alien artifacts we discovered, EBAY is not an option. *My character's primary purpose in the party is not to just leech 1/6 of all the XP. *The game of chicken does not involve the polymorph spell. *My vampire hunter does not take the "un" out of "undead" *Mordenkainen's Dysfunctional Family is not a real spell. *Buying the Elf Babe a trampoline and telling her it boosts her Charisma isn't fooling anybody. *Any plan involving strapping puppies to my armor is vetoed. *Fed Ex does not deliver to the Keep on the Borderlands. *The Banana of Disarming is not a real magic item. *Cannot sharpen Ioun stones for increased headbutt damage. *I do not get a bulk discount on ninjas.
*A sledgehammer does not give any bonus to my search for secret doors roll. *No taunting the 1st level magic user with "Mighty bold talk for a guy with only 4HP." *The party does not need to know about the time I woke up duct taped to the back of a Drow Matron Mother. *No diety will let me use my nipples as holy symbols. *I cannot name my character Dwead Piwate Woberts. *Every time a PC takes himself out through his own stupidity does not let me sing the Oompa-Loompa song. *I can't have a magic item I can't request with a straight face. *Even if the rules allow it, I cannot play a Dire Gummi Bear. *I must remember before the next time I shave off the sleeping dwarf's beard and glue it to the sleeping elf, wars have been started that way. *I can't use audible glamour to trick the cleric into building an ark. *Just because they are all into rock, metal and axes, dwarves are not all headbangers. *When asked to tutor someone on his defense trait, can't keep punching him until he gets it. *Arguments cannot end with the statement 'Alright, we'll settle this like penguins!' *Even if he loves me too, Chitti-Chitti-Bang-Bang is not an appropriate choice for the romance background. *My character's grandma was not, is not and will never be a contract killer. *No matter how much mousse I use, my hair will never have damage reduction. *Gnolls don't fall for the fake ball trick more than once.
*Dwarves do not get Beard Cancer. *I will not tell the noobie to roll his THACO. *After a bloody battle, I will not celebrate by lying down and making carnage angels. *I am not the Lord of Rodly Might. *I cannot make called shots to their self esteem. *I will not convince the entire party to play Amish for the cyberpunk campaign. *Even if the rules allow it, I cannot spend $64,000 to get the vorpal option for a forklift. *When I level up, I just can't copy the guy next to me's choices. *A full minute of stunned silence means "My God what did you do?" not "Please continue." *There is more to buying rations than ramen, spam and beer. *Dwarves can indeed tell the difference between their genders. *I will stop snickering every time the monk announces he's touching someone with his quivering palm. *I can't play a deep gnome just to make the rest of the party have to pronounce Svirfneblin. *The DM does not want to know how my human fighter is triple wielding scimitars. *Even if the rules say otherwise, I cannot carry 100lbs of styrofoam without encumbrance penalties. *I can't use my sneak attack opportunity to cop a feel.
*I am to stop asking the elf to put a good word in for me with Santa. *When a virgin sacrifice is demanded I will not look knowingly at the paladin, netrunner or Hermetic. *I will not blow all my starting funds on hookers and booze. *Steel toe boots do not add to my AC. *Zombies are not infectious in D&D. So I should stop shooting PCs in the head if they are bitten. *When told to distract the villainess, they didn't mean with a surprise marriage proposal. *Styrofoam is not an appropriate component for golems. *I cannot put my familiar up for stud. *I did not invent the wet tabard contest. *Tasha's Uncontrollably Hideous Sister is not a real spell. *1st Watch is not for accordion practice, 2nd Watch is not for starting up pick up rugby games with wandering monsters and 3rd Watch is not clothing optional. *When my cleric is told to "Buff the Elf", I know exactly what it means and may not miscontrue it in any way. *The alignment of 2 years olds is not automatically Neutral Evil. *Halfing mating rituals do not include beer can crushing, power belching, or Lynyrd Skynyrd trivia. *While Bardic music can increase skill rolls, bad jazz adds nothing to seduction rolls.
*When the GM forces the plot, I cannot make choo-choo noises. *No matter how smart I make my animal companion, he still can't take the tax accountant skill. *My half-ogre cannot surprise the halflings with spontaneous games of dodgeball. *Even if laughter is the best medicine, it still doesn't restore any of my HP. *My dwarf is not claustrophobic, likewise, my elf is not agoraphobic. *"Well Hung" is not a physical, social or mental trait. *A gimp suit does not count as leather armor. *I cannot cast invisibility on random household items like car keys, tea sets and bear traps. *My gnome cannot save point on the ride skill simply by asking for piggyback rides everywhere. *Pinball is not a specialization for wizards. *I cannot start the game married to another PC without their consent. *Power Word: Beer Me is not a real spell. *My monk's battlecry is not "Round 1: Fight!"
*I cannot insinuate elf chicks are all easy, even though you never hear about a half gnome do you? *Not allowed to spontaneously check if the elf can take a punch. *My character has no need for 24,000 cartons of cigarettes, especially in his neighbor's garage. *Not allowed to use more than 3 words per game that the GM has to look up the definition. *Cannot cast haste on the king during a long winded speech to get him to hurry the hell up. *There is no Halfling god of groin shots. *I am not the Boogie-Woogie Bugle Boy of Gundam Wing Z. *I can not order the Druid to transform and roll out. *The following cleric domains do not exist: Wet T-Shirts, Atheism, Keggers *The Barbarian's name does not translate into "Screams like little sissy girl" in my language.
*I will not declare myself a god just so I can grant myself spells. *I am neither the pagan god nor goddess of fertility. *Chummer means he is my friend, not that sharks find him tasty. *My bard does not need roadies for a dungeon crawl. *I cannot play a elf with a scottish accent, nor a cajun dwarf. *Duel wielding small animals is strictly forbidden. *My character is not related in anyway to Boba Fett. This goes double for Star Wars characters. *Character descriptions cannot contain two of the following words: Slavic, Tonedeaf, Karaoke, Musician. *I am not too sexy for the elf, too sexy for the elf, so sexy myself. *The following weapons are not legal choices in a duel: Steamroller, Nerve Gas, Landmine, Midget. *My Paladin's heraldry is not a smiley face. *There is no prestige class Drizzt Slayer. *Druids are not against my religion.
*The Demilich only falls for getting stuffed in the bag of holding once. *My character's names cannot be anagrams of playboy playmates. *The paladin's alignment is not Lawful Anal. *Dwarves do not count as burrowing animals. *The King's Guards official name is not "The Royal Order of the Red Shirt" *I do not have a scorching case of lycanthropy. *I am not allowed to rub the monk's head for luck. *I am not allowed to rub any part of the elf chick for any reason. *When one person forgets to buy rations eating the half-elf is not our first option.
*A one man band is not an appropriate bard instrument. *Plan B is not automatically twice as much gunpowder as Plan A. *The Goddess' of Marriage chosen weapon is not the whip. *Gnomes do not have the racial ability 'can lick their eyebrows' *Cannot pimp out other party members. *There is no Summon Bimbo spell. *My thief's battle cry is not "Run And Live" *A picture of my ex-wife is not an acceptable backup weapon. *Victory laps after killing the dragon with my 1d2 bow is considered in poor taste. *A wet towel does not constitute an improvised weapon. *I do not have weapon proficiency in cat.
*I'm never again allowed to find as many overly flamboyant Gnome Bards and make a Guild called the Lollipops. *I'm never allowed to ask the paladin if it's Knight Time before every combat encounter. *I'm not allowed to make a Necropolitain Bard and name him Jack. *I'm not allowed to make a character that is mechanically designed to use other party members as weapons, nor am I allowed to take Weapon Focus: (Rogue). *I'm not allowed to push the fighter down corridors because I don't feel like searching for traps. *I am not allowed to rename any Monk power "Fist of the North Star." *I'm not allowed to put kick me signs on the Barbarian. *I'm not allowed to call my Magic Missile "Silver Dildo Surprise." *I am no longer allowed to make a backpack chair and ride the half-orc into battle. *I'm no longer allowed to take my Grandmother as a Cohort and make her a Monk. *Not allowed to make a Mime bard. *Not allowed to use Ghost Sound to make it sound like the BBEG farted. *I'm no longer allowed to make jokes whenever I use Black Tentacles. *I am no longer allowed to tie multiple random wands together to make a super charged randomized magical bazooka. *I'm not allowed to lay claim to an item I cannot use and rent it to other PCs. *I'm not allowed to play a paladin who rides a bear in spike plate barding. *I'm not allowed to summon my paladin mounts over enemies (see last) *Protocol droids have uses besides knowing which culture and/or species women will put out on the first date. *I am never, EVER allowed to play Wikipedius the Wizard ever again. *My team is not the A-team and I should stop refering to it as such. *The Wookie is not T-Bacca. *As a bard, I am not allowed to break into Bittersweet Symphony. *I am not allowed to say "(insert monster name), I choose you!" every time I cast Summon Monster. *Suicide hugging the BBEG when I meet him is wrong. *I'm not allowed to spend my gold on 400 domestic cats with plate barding pulling a chariot. *I may not taunt the power gamer. I may not mess with the power gamer. *I may not make the power gamer cry. *I'm not allowed to play a paladin with an Irish accent. *I am never again to claim that one of the uses of Miracle is 'Summoning the Electric Kung-Fu Jesus to aid us in our time of need' ever again. *I am no longer allowed to use bags of holding inside portable holes for anything other than item destruction. *"Lost forever in the astral plane" Does not suggest that my phylactary will be safe for all eternity as no one can possibly find it. *I'm no longer allowed to make a grandfather's clock warforged, because it's apparently not CLOBBERING TIME.
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