Morgan Freeman, Sean Connery, James Earl Jones, and Patrick Stewart are abducted from their homes by aliens and forced to participate in a four way gladatorial battle to the death, but the winner is guaranteed all narration jobs on earth until their death.
They start with no weapons whatsoever, but every five minutes a weapon is dropped fifteen feet from the participants, starting with a rock and growing more advanced if the fight manages to last longer.
Who wins? Who dies first, second, and third? Why?
puts Sean Connery's head in a burlap sack with all the others