David Krikorian's page

CHAPTER 4 INTRO

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p12, Player Character Classes: "The following modifications are designed to balance the player character classes."

If you keep the 3.5 discussion in the final (non-beta) intro, you might want to mention here what you mean by modifications. E.g. "modifications from the d20 SRD", or whatever you can legally to do reference it.

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BARBARIAN

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p12, Fast Movement: "only when he is wearing no armor"

In the Barbarian text, you use female pronouns everywhere else. I think you meant "only when she is wearing no armor".

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p14, Rage: "The increase to Constitution grants the barbarian 2 hit points per Hit Dice"

correction: "per Hit Die"

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p14, Animal Fury: "If the bite attack hits, any grapple checks made against the target this round are at a +2 bonus."

question: Is that even for grapple checks made by allies of the barbarian (which is how it reads)?

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p14, Low-Light Vision

I take it this has no effect if the barbarian's race comes with low-light vision (though it could be useful for a barbarian with darkvision).

CLERIC

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p22, Spells: "she must choose which spells to prepare during her daily meditation."

better: "she must choose during her daily meditation which spells to prepare."

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p22, Domain Powers: "Each cleric must choose a deity." ... "If your cleric is not devoted to a particular deity"

Which is it? Required or not?

I suspect you want to replace the former sentence with something like: "Each cleric must choose either a deity or an appropriate abstract entity as the focus of her faith."

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p22, Domain Powers: "clerics must choose two of these domains to focus on."

better: "clerics must choose two of these domains."

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DRUID

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p23, Weapon and Armor Proficiency: "Druids are proficient with shields (except tower shields) but must use only wooden ones."

better, end it with: "but may not use metal ones."

rationale: "May not" or "may only" is more appripriate than "must" for an issue of permission. Also, hide or wicker shields may take the place of wooden ones in other settings.

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p26, Link: "The druid gains a +4 circumstance bonus on all wild empathy checks and Handle Animal checks made regarding an animal companion."

I think you mean ..."regarding her animal companion." Otherwise, the druid is skilled at dealing with the animal companions of other druids, or of anyone else (e.g. a Ranger).

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p26, Alternative Animal Companions: "applying the indicated adjustment to the druid’s level (in parentheses)"

better: "applying the indicated adjustment (in parentheses) to the druid’s level"

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p24, Nature Bond & p26, Alternative Animal Companion

There is redundant explanation in these 2 sections. The latter seems useless, being so short and so far after the table and the related text, but it is clearer. I'd recommend either moving all the alternative animal companion explanation to the latter location, or merging the latter into the former.

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PALADIN

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p31, Lay On Hands: "The DC for any of these abilities is based off the paladin’s Charisma."

better: ... "based on the paladin’s Charisma."

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p32, Divine Bond: "These bonuses do not stack with any properties the weapon already has."

I interpret this to mean that a 20th-level paladin wielding a +5 sword could make it a +5 holy, flaming, brilliant, keen, defending sword of disruption, but could not make it a simple +11 sword. The text also suggests that this effect has a duration of 1 minute. If my interpretation is incorrect, the text should be altered. (And if my interpretation is *correct* about the addition of features to a magic weapon, the text should probably be clarified.)

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p34, Holy Champion: "whenever she channels positive energy, she channels the maximum possible amount."

I'm guessing this means that die rolls are maximized, such as for Turn Undead damage (but not for the amount of time the undead flee). Even if my guess is correct, I think "maximum possible amount" needs some clarification.

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p34, Associates: "A paladin may accept only henchmen, followers, or cohorts who are lawful good."

better: ... "only those henchmen" ...

rationale: The former suggests that a paladin can't accept anything other than henchmen, et al, but I assume the point is to constrain their alignment (rather than their role in the entourage).

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p35, Command: "the mount must make a DC 21 Spellcraft check to succeed if the target is being ridden"

A horse making a Spellcraft check to influence another horse? Did you mean Handle Animal or Diplomacy, instead?

BARD

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p16, Spells: "A bard begins play"

better: "A bard character begins play"

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p16, Spells: "Every bard spell has a verbal component (singing, reciting, or music)."

If by "music" you mean playing an instrument, then it is not verbal. Perhaps you mean "audio" or "audible" component.

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p17, Countersong: "A bard can use this bardic performance ability utilizing Perform (keyboard, percussion, wind, string, or sing)."

better: That last word should be "song."

rationale: Every type and sub-type of Perform is a noun except "sing". It should be "song" instead.

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p18, Fascinate: "The distraction of a nearby combat or other dangers"

That should be singular "danger" since it takes only a single hazard to distract.

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p18, Inspire Courage: "his allies (including himself)"

better: "his allies and himself"

rationale: The former suggests that the bard is considered to be one of the people classified as his allies.

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p18, Inspire Courage: "The effect lasts for as long as the ally percieves"

better: "The effect lasts for as long as the subject percieves"

rationale: The duration is the same for the bard as for his allies.

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p18, Inspire Competence: "The ally must be within 30 feet and able to see and hear the bard." ... "as long as she continues to hear the bard’s music" ... "A bard can use this bardic performance ability utilizing any type of Perform."

better: replace "hear" with "see and hear" if you really do mean that both senses are necessary regardless of performance type.

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p19, Dirge of Doom: "Affected enemies are shaken and take a –2 penalty on ability checks, attack rolls, saving throws, and skill checks."

correction: replace "shaken and" with either "shaken, and" or "shaken, meaning they".

rationale: The use of "and" suggests that they are both shaken and have the listed penalties. The listed penalties are the effects of being shaken, suggesting double the normal "shaken" penalty.

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p19, Inspire Greatness: "The effect lasts for as long as the ally witnesses"

better: "The effect lasts for as long as the subject witnesses"

rationale: I'm assuming the duration is the same whether the subject is an ally, or is the bard himself.

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p19, Soothing Performance: "this performance removes the fatigued, sickened, and shakened condition"

correction: "shakened" -> "shaken"

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p19, Paralyzing Show: "recieves"

correction: "receives"

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p19, Inspire Heroics: "a bard must perform and an ally must witness"

better: "a bard must perform and the subject must witness"

rationale: If the only subject is the bard himself, I'm guessing you don't require an ally to witness the performance.

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p19, Inspire Heroics: "The effect lasts for as long as the ally witnesses the performance"

better: "The effect lasts for as long as the creature witnesses the performance"

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MONK

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p28, AC Bonus: "He loses these bonuses" ... "when he carries a shield"

I think you want "when he uses a shield", since carrying one would be a matter of load rather than equipment.

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ROGUE

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p40, Resiliency

The description makes it unclear to me if the temporary hit points would result in the rogue becoming conscious and capable, or merely non-dying. The rules in chapter 9 for temporary hit points explain the common case of their application to a healthy character, but don't explain what happens if you give temp HP to a dying creature. Is that effectively temporary healing? A delay of the effects of "dying"? An extension of the number of hit points (beyond the -10 cliff) a character can lose and still be "dying" (rather than "dead")?

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p40, Trap Sense: "Trap sense bonuses gained from multiple classes stack."

What about trap sense bonuses from a race or item? Do you mean "from multiple sources"?

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p40, Crippling Strike: "Ability points lost to damage return on their own at the rate of 1 point per day for each damaged ability."

Did you mean this to be a general description of how ability damage heals? Because only one ability is damaged by Crippling Strike, yet this suggests there are multiple.

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p40, Defensive Roll: "damage in combat (from a weapon or other blow, not a spell or special ability)"

What counts as a "special ability"? If this can be specified in terms of spell-like and supernatural abilities, describe it in those terms.

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p41, Skill Mastery: "The rogue becomes so certain in the use of certain skills"

Replace one instance of "certain" for readability. For example, replace the first one with "confident" or "comfortable," or replace the second with "some" or "particular."

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p41, Master Strike: "This can have one of three effects."

better: "The rogue may choose one of three effects."

rationale: The text as written doesn't specify whose choice it is, and only with the words "Regardless of the effect chosen" even suggests it is a choice rather than a random selection.

SORCERER

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p42, Spells: "She does not have to decide ahead of time which spells she’ll cast."

better: ... "she will cast."

rationale: The contraction is incongruously casual compared to the rest of the book.

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p42, Bloodlines: "These spells cannot be exchanged for different spells at higher levels (although variations might exist, with GM permission)."

Does the parenthetical comment mean that some GMs may allow spell swaps? Or that there might be some bloodline alternative spells to swap? If the latter, I'd suggest ... "cannot be exchanged for non-bloodline spells" ... .

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p42, Cantrips: "They can cast these spells at will as a spell-like ability."

better: "They can use these at will" ...

rationale: If they needed to be cast, then they would be spells, wouldn't they?

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p42, Cantrips

If you accept the previous edit, then "Cantrips are treated like any other spell" should become "Cantrips are treated like any spell" (drop the "other").

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p42, Aberrant Form: "You are immune to critical hits and sneak attacks. In addition, you gain blindsight with a range of 60 feet and damage reduction 5/—."

better: "You are immune to critical hits and sneak attacks. You have damage reduction 5/—. In addition, you gain blindsight with a range of 60 feet."

rationale: As written, a reader's initial parse is likely to see the damage reduction as part of the blindsight.

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p43, Claws: "These attacks deal 1d6 points of damage plus your Strength-modifier (1d4 if you are Small)."

better: "These attacks deal 1d6 points of damage (1d4 if you are Small) plus your Strength modifier."

rationale: "Strength modifier" shouldn't be hyphenated in this context. Also, as written the sentence could be read as d6 + Strength modifier if size Medium, and d6 + d4 if size Small.

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p43, Claws: "the damage increases by one step"

better: "the base damage increases by one step"

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p43, Claws: "flaming weapons, dealing 1d6 points of fire"

better: "flaming weapons, dealing an additional 1d6 points of fire"

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p45, Touch of Destiny: "no further benefit from this ability for 1 day."

better: ... "for 24 hours."

rationale: For consistency with other class features, such as bardic performance.

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p46, Elemental Blast: "Creatures that fail their save gain vulnerability to your energy type for 1 round.

I'm guessing this lasts until the end of your next turn, so you have a chance to hit them with another energy spell before the vulnerability expires. You should make that clearer.

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WIZARD

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p49, Cantrips: "They can cast these spells at will as a spell-like ability."

better: "They can use these at will" ...

rationale: If they needed to be cast, then they would be spells, wouldn't they?

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p49, Cantrips

If you accept the previous edit, then "Cantrips are treated like any other spell" should become "Cantrips are treated like any spell" (drop the "other").

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p50, Familiar Basics, Hit Points: "The familiar has one-half the master’s total hit points"

Is that 1/2 his max hit points, or his current hit points? Please specify.

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p50, Familiar Basics, Saving Throws: "For each saving throw, use either the familiar’s base save bonus (Fortitude +2, Reflex +2, Will +0) or the master’s (as calculated from all his classes), whichever is better."

I think you need to explain the "from all his classes" better here unless there's a multiclass section explaining it. From what I can tell you're using startard SRD multiclassing mechanics, in which case you mean that the player accumulates the save categories that get +2 at level 1 of any of the character's classes.

Even if you could word this effectively and even if a non-expert player could successfully follow the instructions, is (Fortitude +0, Reflex +2, Will +2) "better" than "(Fortitude +2, Reflex +2, Will +0)"? The only practical selection there is to let the player choose, rather than trying to define the criteria of "better."

I think for reasons of rules practicality, you should stick with the base save bonuses above (+2/+2/+0) or just give them all (+2/+2/+2) to the familiar.

Subtract 1 from all page numbers in my post (previous). I was recording the PDF view page numbers, rather than the Pathfinder book page numbers.

I've just downloaded the Beta PDF and read up through chapter 3. In addition to some of the edits earlier in this thread, below are some other changes I think you might want to make.

(Note: My page numbers are often 1 higher than I see in other edits for the same text, so there must have been some text reflowing since fall.)

CHAPTER 2

p5: "These scores determine your character’s most basic attributes and
are used to decide a wide variety of details and statistics."

better: "These scores are your character’s most basic attributes and
are used to determine a wide variety of details and statistics."

rationale: A Strength of 14 is not used to decide your damage bonus. It determines your damage bonus.

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p5: "Some class selections require you to have better than average
scores for some of your abilities."

better: "Some class selections require better than average scores for
certain abilities."

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p5: "with an amount of gold pieces"

correction: "with a number of gold pieces" (or "with an amount of gold")

rationale: You can count gold pieces, so you have a number of them. You can't count gold (the metal), so you have an amount of it.

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p5: "from chainmail armor to"

better: "from chainmail to".

rationale: "Plate armor" is fine, but "chainmail armor" is redundant.

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p5: "works much in the same way"

better: "works in much the same way"

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p5: "Ability scores for characters generally range from 3 to 18" [...] "the average of any score is 10."

This seems to be in conflict with the point-cost table on the next page, which shows a minimum ability score of 7. You might want to clarify: "Ability scores in the humanoid populations generally range from 3 to 18 with an average of 10, although racial bonuses and penalties can alter this."

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p6: You seem to be using different meanings of high and low fantasy than I'm used to, something more like high-powered and low-powered. I don't see any problem with that, unless my sense of their meaning is the predominant one. You might want a third opinion.

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p6: "apply any racial modifiers the character might have."

better: "apply the modifiers for the character's race."

rationale: The former suggests that there is some question about what racial modifiers to apply ("might have"). Every race has at least one racial ability-score modifier, and all applicable ones must be applied.

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p8: "Will saving throws (for negating the effects of charm person and other spells)."

The other save categories have a comma after "throws" rather than a parenthesized phrase following. Write all three saving throw modifiers one way or the other.

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p8: "Channel energy difficulty classes (DC) for"

better?: "The difficult class (DC) of resisting Channel Energy by".

rationale: The former is awkward. Are you channeling "energy difficulty classes"? Referring to the classes of "channel energy difficulty"? The reader needs too much context to parse it easily.

Also, you don't mentioned DCs for spells, just for Channel Energy. You might want to either leave this out altogether, or mention spell DCs in each the Intelligence, Wisdom and Charisma sections.

CHAPTER 3

p10: "Dwarves receive a +4 bonus to their combat maneuver bonus"

better: "Dwarves receive a +4 bonus to their combat maneuver bonus (CMB)"

rationale: There is another use of "bonus" later in the sentence, and a bonus to a bonus is awkward. By acronymizing (what a word!) CMB, you reduce that awkwardness.

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p10: "Languages: Dwarves begin play"

better?: "Languages: Dwarven characters begin play"

rationale: Dwarves play drinking games, not Pathfinder. The start of the sentence suggests an in-game context, and it is jarring to have it turn out to be a meta-game context.

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p10: Specify here whether gnomes can change (or defer choosing) the skill of their "obsessive" +2 racial bonus. I don't know what you intend, and this is an obvious point for contention during a campaign.

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p10: So the +1 DC for gnome magic does not apply to the free-for-gnomes spells?

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p11: "Half-elves tend to follow"

better: "Half-elves usually follow"

rationale: You have 2 different uses of "tend" in sequential sentences.

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p11: "half-elves are skilled at nearly any craft."

better: "half-elves are skilled at nearly any trade."

rationale: I see no support for a reference to the Craft skill, so the use of the word "craft" is confusing. You use the word "trade" in the section about humans, and as far as I've seen "trade" is not a key word in the Pathfinder system.

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p12: "making them great friends as well as bitter enemies to those who have wronged them."

Better?: "making them loyal to friends, and making them bitter enemies to those who have wronged them."

rationale: The former makes it sound like those who have wronged them get both results (friendship and bitterness).

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p12: "slings and treat any weapon"

better: "slings, and treat any weapon"

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p12: "Humans and half-elves frequently get this bonus, unless they multiclass."

What's special about humans and half-elves? It seems this would be true of all the races, in which case you probably want to drop this sentence altogether.