Chief Chef to Pres. Moorluck's page

I figure a great house rule that may speed up combat AND make casters feel more involved in their spells is to simply have them roll their Spellcasting attack against the monster/NPC's saving DC. That way, the DM isn't rolling 10 saves for a bunch of goblins in a fireball AND the caster feels more in control of the spell they are casting.

What about Critical Success and Failures for the saving throws you ask? Simply flip the descriptions so instead of a critical saving success, it's a critical failing attack! And vice versa!

You're welcome.

Snappin' her fingers and shufflin' her feet

** spoiler omitted **

More for me!

Aberzombie wrote:

shows up with a knife and fork

Someone said there'd be cake?

The cake is a lie!

Eet is no lie! Eet jus' takez a while to cook!

Ingredients
Crust:

* 1 3/4 cups graham cracker crumbs
* 3 tablespoons light brown sugar
* 1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
* 1 stick melted salted butter
*

Filling:

* 3 (8-ounce) packages cream cheese, at room temperature
* 1 (15-ounce) can pureed pumpkin
* 3 eggs plus 1 egg yolk
* 1/4 cup sour cream
* 1 1/2 cups sugar
* 1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
* 1/8 teaspoon fresh ground nutmeg
* 1/8 teaspoon ground cloves
* 2 tablespoon all-purpose flour
* 1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Directions

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
For crust:

In medium bowl, combine crumbs, sugar and cinnamon. Add melted butter. Press down flat into a 9-inch springform pan. Set aside.
For filling:

Beat cream cheese until smooth. Add pumpkin puree, eggs, egg yolk, sour cream, sugar and the spices. Add flour and vanilla. Beat together until well combined.

Pour into crust. Spread out evenly and place oven for 1 hour. Remove from the oven and let sit for 15 minutes. Cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate for 4 hours.

Julia Child says to let the wine breath.

Aw crap! Not the damn "click" again!

EVERYBODY! DUCK!!!

Duck? Where is ze duck? I zot we were 'aving turkey?

Oui-oui! Where is ze female wrestlers for ze chocolat pudding?

Croutons or sunflower seeds?

Ah 'ave yuor birfday cake all ready, Meester Presidente!

Ze stripper is baked inside ze cake!

<whisper>

Ah, apparontley, I must take ze cake bahk to ze keetchen... My sous-chef tells me that you put ze stripper in ze cake AFTER you bake it.

Where's the dirt?

Well, for you, I'd add some top soil. But the dirt in the recipe is because the seasoning turns everything reddish-brown.

For Sharoth:

Eazy Meal #1: Mexican Dirty Rice

1 Chicken Breast
1 Taco seasoning packet
1/2 cup rice
1/2 cup water

In skillet/pan/upside-down helmet, cook chicken in oil over med-high heat until white. Add seasoning packet and stir. Add rice & water, raise heat to high until boiling. Then lower heat to simmer. Cover and cook for 15 minutes.

Serve in bowl with cheese, or put on tortilla as burrito, or put tortilla in bowl and serve with cheese, or spoon directly from pan into mouth (beware of temperature).

Serves 4 small children, 2 adults or one gamer.

Chief Chef to Pres. Moorluck wrote:

My apologies... Bake ze bread for 30 minootes, not 45. ;)

I burned my bread thanks to you.

Jerk.

I apologize profusely! I forgot to convert it from ze metric system! ;)

My apologies... Bake ze bread for 30 minootes, not 45. ;)

Tonight, it iz a speciol night! It iz Italian dinner night!

First, you must make ze italian bread. Take 3¼ cups flour, ½ T active yeast, ½ t sugar and ½ t salt and mix togezer with a whisk in a large bowl. After all ze dry ingrediants are mixed, add 1¼ cups of water and knead ze dough togezer for about 15 minootes! Zen cover ze entire bowl with a tea towel and let zit for 90 minootes.

After 90 minootes are up, punch down ze dough as if it were a insignificant peasant. Take ze tea towel and sprinkle some corn meal (or more flour if you are too heazenistic to 'ave corn meal) and shape ze dough into a loaf shape and place on ze corn meal. Fold up ze tea towel to cover ze loaf, but not tightly zince you need to leave room for it to rise again (just as if you cast Raise ze Dead, non?) for anozer 45 minootes.

Pre-heat your oven to 450 degrees (fahrenheit, you american imbeciles!). Once ze dough 'as risen, spread some corn meal (or your faux pas flour) on a pizza stone (you do not 'ave one? Non! Go buy one right now! I shall wait...) and place ze loaf on ze stone and bake for 45 minootes. Ze bread is finished when the crust is golden-brown and tapping on it produces a hollow sound. For a chewier crust, you can brush on an egg wash before baking.

Once ze bread is done, remove from ze oven and let rest on baking rack for 15-20 minootes. Just enough time for you to make ze dinner!

Start with crumbling up four sausage links (I recommend ze spicy italian sausage... You zick pigs! Zat iz NOT what I meant) in a large cast iron skillet. Let it cook over medium-high heat until it iz browned. Zen add to ze pan a cup of chopped mushrooms, a tablespoon for minced garlic, a tablespoon of minced onion, 16 ounces of crushed tomatoz and season with salt, pepper, basil and oregano to taste. Turn ze heat down to a simmer and cover.

Fill a large pot (about three-quarters of ze way up) with water and add a teaspoon of kosher salt and two tablespoons of light olive oil. Bring to a boil. Once it iz boiling, add ze noodles to ze water. Personally, I usually break ze noodles in half before add zem. Zis allows the noodles to be fully immersed in ze water from ze beginning (instead of zem slowly sinking if you do not break zem) and also prevents ze diners from 'aving to cut ze noodles later.

While ze noodles are boiling, slice ze bread and place on a plate. Cover with another towel (do not use ze same one from earlier! Zat is disgusting!) and place on ze table.

After boiling ze noodles for 8-12 minootes (zey will be done when ze noodles are stretchy but still firm), drain ze water from zem. Do NOT rinze ze noodles with cold water zince ze will break down ze structure and make zem mushy. Pour ze noodles into a large serving bowl and pour ze sauce over zem in ze bowl right away. Serve on ze table with ze bread and watch your diners eat with ze joy!

Zome side accompaniments to ze meal would be parmigiana cheese, powder garlic and butter. Serve with your favorite beverage (which is probably not ze fabulous french wine, but your poor american 'soda pop').

Bon Appetit!

Silly Australians!

Time to get back to the Jack Stew!

~grabs ingredients and herbs~

A little whiskey! Some hair of ze dog!

A dash of ze ego of a villain!

Oh, and not to forget, ze meat from a deadly pirate-ninja killed by a poodle!

'Allo! What is zis? Some poor beggar has wandered into my kitchon!!

Away with you beggar! Zis is not for you! Ze soup kitchon is down ze stairs and to ze left!

~bonks Hugh on the nose~

And knock ze ball out of ze park!

Chief Chef to Pres. Moorluck wrote:

Butter Patrick wrote:

Chief Chef to Pres. Moorluck wrote:

Butter Patrick wrote:

Yum! Butter!

~approaches cautiously with a butter knife~

<Wobbles, blissfully unaware of the Chef>

~slices off a hunk of butter, tossing it into a huge skillet to make some dragon omelets~

My masterpiece is almost complete! Now I just 'ave to wait for zat English chef to bring me ze dragon egg and ze Slaad-ish chef with ze vegetables and cheese!

Zhere ees only one chef on zhese boards and zhat ees moi! Away weeth you!

Mon Dieu! Not another one!

I `ave told ze other chefs, I do not care where you are from, but I am ze Chief Chef to our President. Now leave my kitchon!

Chief Chef to Pres. Moorluck wrote:

Butter Patrick wrote:

Yum! Butter!

~approaches cautiously with a butter knife~

<Wobbles, blissfully unaware of the Chef>

~slices off a hunk of butter, tossing it into a huge skillet to make some dragon omelets~

My masterpiece is almost complete! Now I just 'ave to wait for zat English chef to bring me ze dragon egg and ze Slaad-ish chef with ze vegetables and cheese!

Yum! Butter!

~approaches cautiously with a butter knife~

Zame `ere

Chief Chef to Pres. Moorluck wrote:

Leesen you two! I ave you know that I am ze only chef in zis kitchon. Now, you want, I can make you ze sous-chefs here. English-chef, you can be in charge of ze desserts and cookies. Slaadish-chef, you take over ze appetizers.

~nods~

Yes, dear old chap! I am going to hunt down that bloody dick!

I believe he is at an undisclosed location.

Here is a skeleton key I got off a zombie...

~tosses key to English Chef~

Leesen you two! I ave you know that I am ze only chef in zis kitchon. Now, you want, I can make you ze sous-chefs here. English-chef, you can be in charge of ze desserts and cookies. Slaadish-chef, you take over ze appetizers.

~nods~

Chief Chef to Pres. Moorluck wrote:

Sytt, Lesser Yugoloth wrote:

Ow! *Slashes at the nose*

Silly snake! Why do you slash at your own nose?

BONK!

*Slashes at Chef's nose again*

~he misses, not quite realizing the chef has no nose...~

Ha ha ha... You are very cute! I will make you my sous-chef. You may be in charge of whatever station you want.

Ahh! Wild turkey surpise! Make sure you add in ze cumin!

~takes a container of pecan sandies and bonks it with his ladle, making it (and the cookies) incorporeal~

Here you go, mon ami!

Ow! *Slashes at the nose*

Silly snake! Why do you slash at your own nose?

BONK!

~bonks him on the nose~

BONK

How rude!

L. G. G., C. o. t. 101st G.A.R. wrote:

Sytt, Lesser Yugoloth wrote:

Lord President Moorluck wrote:

Sytt, Lesser Yugoloth wrote:

Lord President Moorluck wrote:

As the rulers of new Paizonia, My Cabinet and Myself don't "godmode", we are Gods.

Um, this a single trhead. You don't control the Jacks, you don't control the Poodles, and you barely control any subjects!

Other threads are outside New Paizonia. I don't control, I encorage free thought and independence.

Fine. You're an idiot, with stupid hair.

Shoots the heretic who just happens to not have any hair.

AUGH!!! HE GOT MY LEG!!!!

*Leg retracts*
*Leg unretracts, completely whole*
Now...
*Draws sickle*
Fun time!
*Leaps at G.A.R., slashing with sickle*
That thing's laced with stygian venom! Feel the wrath of, um...me.
...
DIE!

~bonks him the head with his magic ladle.~

.

.

BONK

Zis is quite fun! Maybe I can make him into a nice quiche?

~looks down at his ladle~

Mon Dieu! Is zat what it does?

*SMAK*

Zis will make preparing ze poodles for ze soup MUCH easier!

Chief Chef to Pres. Moorluck wrote:

Sytt, Lesser Yugoloth wrote:

What?

*Looks in mirror*
GAH!! I'm...ugly...er.
*Shrugs*
So, why do you need my help to make soup? All you have to do is put some boiling water in the pot and jump in (Suggestion).

Ahh! You've made poodle noodle soup before! Come with me to ze kitchon! I ave a pot of water already boiling!

Alright, sure!

(curses, he made his saving throw)
Look, a distraction!
*Pushes Moorluck into pot*

Sacre Bleu! Ze poodle just pushed ze President into ze pot! Somebody help! Help!

Yes, ze pot is zat ... *ahem* that big! Hey, can't have poodles climbing out, can we?

Bad doggie! Bad!

What?

*Looks in mirror*
GAH!! I'm...ugly...er.
*Shrugs*
So, why do you need my help to make soup? All you have to do is put some boiling water in the pot and jump in (Suggestion).

Ahh! You've made poodle noodle soup before! Come with me to ze kitchon! I ave a pot of water already boiling!

Darth Vin Diesel wrote:

Yes, Mistress!

wanders off in search of Hugh Jackman

*Runs into thread*

Phew. I was really scared I'd be turned into a poodle there.

Too late! But you are just in time to help me make some more soup!

Fortunately, everything the chef is wearing is either polyester or plastic.

~sees Slaad-Bar~

Sacre-bleau! Can it be? An incorporal Slaad?

I have waited years to find one!

~grabs melon-baller~

Now I can make ze Spirit Fruit Slaad! It will be ze best dessert evah!

~approaches with a gleam in his eye.~

~'accidentally' steps in front of lynora~

'Allo, ma petite fleur! Are you enjoying the festivities? Oh my! Are you being chased?

Chief Chef to Pres. Moorluck wrote:

Snarky Poodle wrote:

*stops eating*

There are poodles in this soup?

Oui! It is ze main ingredient. Don't worry, zho. They were not harmed in ze making of the soup.

It's a frenchie!! Lemme at em! Grrr.....

~waves a soup bone at CDP~

Who's a good poochie? Want a treat? Oui?

~tosses bone at CDP~

*stops eating*

There are poodles in this soup?

Oui! It is ze main ingredient. Don't worry, zho. They were not harmed in ze making of the soup.

~pleased to see people have noticed the noodles in the Poodle Noodle soup are alphabet noodles~

Chef! Chef! I need someone to lace all the interns drinks with these potions of "Irrational Attraction", bring them a wading pool of green jello, and set up the camera!

The VP said it would be a good idea.

Already done, Monsieur President! I had ze foresight to add it to a topical lotion in ze waitress' uniforms too!

The pool is in the lobby waiting for you to cut ze ribbon!

A Flaming Angry Fan Mob wrote:

Well the Postmonster moved us and then took a lot of other threads elsewhere. WE ARE ANGRY!

RABBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Starts lighting furniture on fire and stabbing random poodles

<Reforms from various caesar slaads. Various guests begin to vomit.>

Whee! Stabbing!

<Helps AFAFM stab furniture, people, poodles, slaads, etc.>

~wields his crème brûlée touch, setting ranch dretchling on fire, then tosses him on top of AFAFM~

Non! Bad dretchling!

Not to worry, my guests, the caesar slaads are steel edible! Dretchlings have no adverse eeffects!

~wanders the room, dumps a pitcher of water on the mob and gives them a cherry popsicle~

How is ze food? Mahvalous, oui? Good, good!

Ah, Monsieur and Madame President! Madame, as lovely as ever! I see ze wolverine scratches are healing. How is your Taco Slaad? Deed you enjoy ze poodle noodle soup?

~whips up Taco Slaad for all the guests, sending it out as the main course along with Sahuagin Stew and Shambling Mound a l'Orange~

Sous-chef! Take care of ze dessert! And no ice-cream sandweeches this time! I'm off to bask in the glory of my genius!

~steps out into the banquet hall~

Need sleep tonight... :P

~steps over the waiter, totally ignoring the dead body on the floor~

Oui, call ze maids to clean it up... Now, please keep ze President and Madame President entertained while I create TACO SLAAD from ze remains of Slaad-Bar. It shall be my greatest dish yet!!

lynora wrote:

Hey, Chef, the guests are getting restless and we're running out of appetizers.

Ummm, why is it such a mess... Never mind. I don't want to know. Plausible deniability. That's the lesson of the day.

<Pops in, hears lynora's comment, stabs a waiter>

Bad Dretchling! Get back on ze slaad where you belong!

~knocks out ranch with a wooden spoon and drizzles him over the caesar slaad plates~

~Looks at the slaad stuff.~

Zis is perfect! Just what I needed for my pièce de résistance!

Here are your waitress uniforms! They may be a bit tight in the bust, I doubt you'll be able to get all three buttons closed...

~Gives a bottle of vodka and tequila to each girl~

Have fun!

Now, all ze girls, get going. Remember, keep ze guests happy! If you can't do that, keep zem drunk!

~Sends out the girls laden with trays of poodle noodle soup and caesar slaads~

Ambrosia Slaad wrote:

{casts Detect Kinkiness} Double rats! She's either strongly mentally shielded or pure as a storybook princess. How disappointing.

{sighs wistfully} Yeah, she is very cute. But you're acting like a trollop again.

Ambrosia Slaad wrote:

Hmmm, I'm feeling peckish. Perhaps a visit to the kitchen first...

I hope the well is along the way. You can use an ice-cold dunking... {follows Ambrosia} At least in the kitchen I won't have to listen to that Ashe Karoakeheart fellow.

Ahhh, welcome ladies! Welcome!

How may I help you zis evening?

'Allo? Mademoiselles? Are we ready for the beeg deener?

Chief Chef to Pres. Moorluck wrote:

lynora wrote:

Excuse me, but there's a group of women of questionable virtue in the lobby who say they have an appointment with the VP. But there's already another group in his office. Where should I send these ones?

Oui! I need some servers for the beeg deenner tonight!

Okay! I'll send them your way.

Bonjour, mademoiselles! It weel be your duty to make sure everyone is served at the banquet tonight.

First the uniforms. Oui, they have been 'accidentally' shrunk in the laundry, but they should steel fit!

Make sure that when you serve ze honorable guests, you get as close as you can to zem so you are not in ze way of the other servers. If this means you brush up against zem, simply smile (or giggle) and say excuse me as you reach over their shoulders!

Finally, you will each be given a belt with two bottles of liquor holstered in case any of ze guest require refreshment. If they have forgotten zeyr glass, use your imagination on how to serve them the alcohol.

Now, go get changed mes petites fleurs! I will be back in a few moments to check on you and see if you need any help with the uniforms!

Excuse me, but there's a group of women of questionable virtue in the lobby who say they have an appointment with the VP. But there's already another group in his office. Where should I send these ones?

Oui! I need some servers for the beeg deenner tonight!

Chief Chef to Pres. Moorluck wrote:

S'il vous plait, try some of our poodle noodle soup! It is fantastique and is sure to keep you up for all those hunting treeps!

*Pees on the french guy*

Grabs a jar. "Ahh... the marinade for the Slaad's order!"

Chief Chef to Pres. Moorluck wrote:

Ahhh... Meester Cheney!

S'il vous plait, try some of our poodle noodle soup! It is fantastique and is sure to keep you up for all those hunting treeps!

(with the extra special arsenic ingredient, of course...)

You're trying to poison a guy who eats fertilizer right out of the bag...

It *is* POODLE noodle soup...

Ahhh... Meester Cheney!

S'il vous plait, try some of our poodle noodle soup! It is fantastique and is sure to keep you up for all those hunting treeps!

(with the extra special arsenic ingredient, of course...)