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"this is the real Poog."
"Chuffy Big Chief is best chief!!"
Things go boom when Mogmurch throws,
Much more fun than using bows.
Sometimes where the boom boom blows
Is not my fault–that’s how it goes.
You are goblins of the Licktoad tribe, who live deep in Brinestump Marsh, south of the hated man-town called Sandpoint. Once, other goblins tried to burn Sandpoint down, and they would have been legends if they had succeeded. But they didn’t bring enough fire, and got themselves killed as a result.
Yesterday, your tribe discovered that one of your own had been using forbidden arts and was engaged in one of the greatest of taboos—writing things down. In fact, rumor holds that what he was writing was a history of your tribe! There’s no swifter way to bring about bad luck than stealing words out of your mind by writing them down, and so your tribe had no choice. You branded the goblin’s face with letters to punish him, which is why everyone calls him Scribbleface now, and then you ran him out of town, took all of his stuff, and burned down his hut.
That’s where things got interesting, because before you all burned down his hut, Chief Gutwad found a weird box within the building. Inside was a map and a lot of fireworks—fireworks that immediately came to use in burning the hut down. Then, this morning, Gutwad announced that tonight there would be a feast in order to drive out any lingering bad luck from Scribbleface’s poor decisions. But perhaps even more exciting, all of you have been secretly invited to meet at Chief Gutwad’s Moot House. Why would the chief want to speak to you? It can only mean that he’s got an important mission for you all... one that the other goblins of the tribe couldn’t pull off. This could be your chance to go down in Licktoad history!
"We go get the fireworks, then we use them to burn down stoopid chief Gut-face. We then chiefs!"
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"Wadda yah mean "We"? RETA IS TOUGH GOBLIN IN THIS CROWD. Will not share being CHIEF, especially with the likes of YOU!!! But Gutwad's been good." Reta pauses to reminisce on Gutwad's generosity, especially on letting her torment small creatures whenever there's a raid in the forest. "Perhaps I harp on big chief and YOU CAN FOLLOW SCRIBBLEFACE's fate, eh, Poog?" She ends with a big wide toothy grin.
"I like your plan. Reta for chief get rid of Poog wanna be. Only one Poog in licktoads. ZARONGEL has spoken"
"Take that, Scribbleface's hut! Explode-y fire is way more fun than regular fire, but every smart Goblin know that already. "
"What else can we blow up, Chief?"
You stand before the entrance to the Moot House, awaiting invitation
from to enter. A high-pitched, nasal voice (who you know as the chief's advisor, Slorb) calls out for you to enter.
Inside, Chief Gutwad sits precariously atop the Teeter Chair. Gutwad is a corpulent goblin. Slorb asks you to sit on the dirt in front of the Chief (a great honor!), but then, much to everyone's surprise and shock, Chief Gutwad speaks to you directly in a deep, booming voice. (The chief usually only speaks through Slorb, because the tribe is convinced that normal goblins could not survive hearing the chief's voice.)
"You all be heroes. Each of you. You are best Licktoads but for me. And maybe but for Slorb. That you aren’t fleeing in terror from mighty sound of my voice is all the proof you should need. Yet soon, all Licktoad goblins will know your might, for I have picked you for a dangerous mission. You know about fireworks and map we found in Scribbleface’s hut. Fireworks were fun. But map is more fun. It shows
a route to a place near the coast where Scribbleface found fireworks.
And it says there are more fireworks there! I want them for Licktoads. You all go get them tomorrow. Tonight we have big bonfire to burn bad luck away from you, and we play many games. Much fun. Tomorrow you fetch
me fireworks. If you meet men, you make them dead. If you meet dogs, you make them dead. If you meet horses, you make them dead. If you meet Lotslegs Eat Goblin Babies Many, you maybe should run. And if you not find fireworks, you not come back or we feed you to Squealy Nord!"
Slorb gives you a map, and then gestures for you to leave.
"We follow map, get fireworks, chief. You count on us!"
"Mogmurch is clearly best goblin to get fireworks! Chief must want me to lead you other gobs."
Mogmurch moves to accept the map from Slorb while Reta and Poog argue.
"Stoopid gobs, Zarongel say work together to get fireworks for chief, THEN we can all fight and stabs each other and prove that Goog best goblin, okieday?"
"Chuffy like fire! Chuffy go where firesticks are! Chuffy knows he's best leader so he will let Reta think she's leader"
"Yes! Poog will make great bait... I mean, leader!" Mogmurch will be in charge from the back."
"Chuffy real leader. he will be towards front. Looking for tricky traps."
"Then go, Chuff! Goog best leader, but leader not always take the lead. I right behind you. That way you no stab Goog in the back."
Goblins toil all afternoon to build the bonfire out of branches, sticks, and unburnt timbers taken from the ruins of Scribbleface’s hut. As night falls, a group of four struggling goblins carry the Teeter Chair (with Chief Gutwad sitting atop it) out to the bonfire, and the chief lights the fire with a Desnan candle. This signals the start of an all-night party that features lots of good things to eat (snails, fish, and snakes). The chief brings out a barrel of fermenting cider apples early on and most goblins get drunk very quickly.
Goog heads over to have a fermented apple. They're fairly tasty.
Mogmurch is disappointed that they're not immediately setting out to find more fireworks that he can explode, but he gets over it quickly. He stuffs his face and his pockets with the smelliest, slimiest food he can get find before fallowing Goog to the fermented apples to give them a try.
Chuffy looks around
He also goes over to give the fermented apples a try
"Thanks Goog and Mogmurch. You good taste testers for Chuffy"
The goblins, who have at this point all heard about your mission, issue you a dare: Who can ride Squealy Nord?
Squeally Nord is a piglet who the Licktoad goblins consider to be a fierce boar. If you accept this dare, you must stay on his back as he tries to throw you off for 3 rounds.
Poog steps up confidently to ride
Round 1
Round 2
Round 3
"See the real Poog can ride Squeally Nord! All that Goog gal can do is search!"
Poog climbs atop Squealy Nord and hangs on as Squealy bucks a squeals.
Poog is awarded a Dragon Brew Gourd from the chief's personal stash!
The goblins now taunt you about having the delicate palates of longshanks. Otherwise, you would be able to quickly eat some slugs!
Bull slugs are black, wriggling slugs the size of sausages. Even among the goblins, they’re considered particularly foul-tasting and, because of the large amounts of slime they exude, difficult to chew. If you accept this dare, a covered wicker basket containing the slug bag is brought before you, along with a napkin made out of a soggy leaf. You then have 10 rounds to eat the entire bag. Eating the slugs is not a problem, even though they wriggle, taste of rotten fish, and burst with a little squeal when chewed. Eating a full bag in a minute is the hard part. There are five slugs in the bag, and successfully eating one requires a Fortitude save. You can lower the save if you don't spit out the slug’s mildly poisonous slime bladder—but this could have repercussions). Eating a slug is a full-rou1nd action (because of the squirming), and a goblin who fails a save can attempt to swallow the same slug on the following round.
Again, I will assume that you volunteer to try the dare in the order you post.
There are no more prizes for riding Squealy, but Reta can certainly try for fun...
Mogmurch grabs a bag of slugs, but before popping one in his mouth, he vaguely recalls that something bad might happen if you swallow the things whole..
Mogmurch knows that if he does not spit out the slime bladders, he can become ill if he fails another fortitude save.
Reta is only able to eat 2 of the slugs.
Mogmurch wants to win, but he is a smart goblin that knows not to eat yucky part that make you sick! He starts popping the slimy slugs in his mouth, but spits out the slime bladder.
But he thinks the other goblins might be even more impressed if they think he did eat the slime bladders, so he tries to make it look like he swallowed them.
Chuffy tries to eat some slugs too!
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Mogmurch manages to choke down all five slugs, and most of the goblins are unable to see him spit out the slime bladders. He is rewarded with the chief's magic weapon!
a +1 dogslicer that functions as a bane weapon when utilized against horses (improving to a +3 dogslicer that inflicts an additional 2d6 points of damage on a successful hit). This weapon is owned by the chief, and if the PCs don’t bring the weapon back to him, heads will roll.
Chuffy is able to eat 4 slugs, but just can't choke that last one down.
The other goblins appear to be suitably impressed with your abilities, so they issue you one final dare. They call the game 'Hide or Get Clubbed.'
To play, you run off into the marsh without any weapons and hide. Soon after, a bunch of goblins try to find you, and smack you with clubs if they find you.
Goog tries to hide!
After Goog gets settled in, five goblins come wandering near him. They all walk right past without seeing him, though.
"Goog win! Come out to get your prize, Goog!" When Goog reappears, he gets the chief's prized Ring That Lets You Climb Real Good (a ring of climbing).
The other Licktoads are very impressed by this point. They roll out a strange wire contraption that you recognize as the Rusty Earbiter. Your challenge is to crawl through it, hopefully without hurting yourself. You can tell from the amount of creative goblin swearing you hear that many of the goblins rolling the thing out are getting poked and scratched.
"Chuffy always hide in small places before he goes stab stab! watch!!"
Chuffy gets stuck in the tunnel for a while at the beginning.
(4 damage to Chuffy)
At this point, the watching goblins get bored and wander off.
Chuffy is able to move forward a little, and then gets stuck again.
He takes no more damage this time, and then is able to crawl forward the rest of the way. He exits the Rusty Earbiter to see that the entire audience is gone, and no one even notices his success.
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Reta sees the rusty earbiter and thinks better than to put her big head inside. Reta is for tormenting small creatures -- not herself!! She thought to herself.
She sees all the other gobs getting shinies and screams, "SHOW OFFS!!! YOU'RE ALL A BUNCH OF SHOW OFFS!!!" Lessee you do them parlor tricks tomorrow!!! I'LL BE THE ONE TO GET THE FIREWORKS FOR THE CHIEF! Just you see..."
Mogmurch stares down at his shiny new weapon, at first in awe of its horse-chopping power. But then he remembers that he'd rather make horses explode instead of just chopping them up into boring bits, and determines to find a way to trade it for something better. Now to just find a sucker...
"What, no one like Chuffy's performance?! Chuffy best, you guys missed it!"
Goog goes in and squirms around inside the Rusty Earbiter.
Goog takes 6 damage and goes unconscious before he is even able to move forward.
The other Licktoad goblins have all wandered off in boredom by now. Only you (if any of you choose to be) are around to see Goog's terrible predicament.