"Chuffy new chief! " Chuffy leaps around, ignoring the menacing Mogmurch, [b]"Oh, hi Poogie. No, no... Zarongel no need to hurt Chuffy. Chufy was just keeping chair warm for Chief. Yep. Nice and warm." Warm with your blood pretty soon!
"Chuffy be quiet! Poog still chief. Nobody play giggle-pokes like enlarge poog. Mama birdcruncher know. Now go set something on fire and tell Zarongel how much you love fire."
Poog waves his hand dismissively.
"SHUT UP CHUFFY! No yell! Reta's head hurt... Eat too many mushrooms... Reta no remember what happen." Reta wakes up violently to Chuffy's yelling, looks around confused and wipes off the drool from her cheeks.
"NOW RETA REMEMBER! RETA NEW CHIEF! Bring new chief more mushroom! Start new party!"
"What you stand there and stare, Poog! Go pick mushroom!"
|
Being a chieftain is boring. Adventures are interesting. As goblin chieftains, you have quite reasonably decided that your minions in the Birdcruncher tribe should either entertain you or bring you an adventure to quell your boredom—otherwise, there’ll be trouble! A great feast has been prepared in your honor, and goblins are scattering every which way to get things ready. While the others try to keep you satisfied, a few even went with Squealy Nord to hunt for your favorite truffles.
So, before the feast, there are a series of goblins ready to entertain the great Birdcruncher chiefs!
First is Mothmangler Munge, who comes up before the chiefs with a tale to tell, dressed up as the Great Green Goblin King, holding an oversized dwarven waraxe... at least oversized for a goblin.
"A long time ago, in a land far away, there was a great lord... which is like a chief, but because he was a longshanks lord, he was not a great chief like you are!
"So, one day, when the longshanks lord was holding court, which I think means that he was sitting in a big chair while his clan mates whined at him... where was I?" He scratches his head a moment.
"Oh, yeah! So, this one day, a mysterious Green Goblin King arrived at the lord's court and offered a unique sport... which means that it was a game that you could not find anywhere else! He says, 'Oh great chief, here is the game! You can chop my head off with an axe, but then I get the chance to hit you once, too!'
"So, the great longshanks chief looks at the Green Goblin King, and then he picks up the axe. With a mighty blow, he cuts off the head of the Green Goblin King! There was blood... and gore... and blood... and then the Green Goblin fell down. His head also fell to the ground... and bled everywhere!"
"Chuffy like this game!" the sadistic little goblin jumps up from his puss-encrusted chief-chair, "Chuffy want to play." Chuffy draws his dogslicer - now magically enchanted by Mother-Whatever-Her-Name-Was. The pustulent goblin advances on Mothmangler Munge.
"Now, Mothmangler already dressed as Great Green Goblin King," Chuffy notes, "Chuffy play part of longshanks lord. This no axe, but it do the job!"
"Chuffy Stop!" Poog yells, after he has finished his initial attack on mothmangler.
After a few seconds pause, for effect, Poog continues, "We change story! We burns him after we cuts off his head!" he exclaims to the cheers of his tribe.
"that's what you gets when you tell story about longshanks killing goblin chief." he mutters, though no one can hear him over the noise.
-Posted with Wayfinder
"Stupid story! Why Green Goblin King let longshanks hit him with axe. Green Goblin King not right in head!"
"NEEEEEEXT STORY!"
|
|
Mothmangler Munge steps back quickly as Chuffy leaps off of his chair. "No!!! You not hear end of story!!!
"So, after head of Green Goblin King fall off, and blood spatter everwhere, Green Goblin King get back up, and put head back on! Very good story!! Me no remember what happens next, 'cause me paying too much attention to head getting chopped off! That best part!"
He then shoves the medium sized dwarven waraxe into Chuffy's hands. "Now the next best part! We reenact the story! Me play part of Green Goblin King, and you play part of Longshanks lord. Me will kneel down, like Green Goblin Chief, and you chop off my head with axe! Then, me finish story!"
Poog takes a long draw from his pipe, then blows a puff of smoke into the air. He slouches a little further into his throne.
"Followers of Zarongel! You get to light stupid story-teller on fire when he done. Story teller burn for Zarongel. Trust me, great honor. You be proud."
He waves his hand dismissively as if to tell Chuffy and the storyteller to continue.
"This axe stink of stunty flesh," Chuffy complains. Nevertheless, he puts his dogslicer away and picks up the ridiculously oversized waraxe in both hands.
"Chuffy warning you, if other part of story come true... then Chuffy chop head off again..." struggling for grip with his flesh juice coating his hands, Chuffy does his best to line up a very messy shot...
[dice=Coup de grace, dwarven waraxe crit, sneak attack]3d10-3+2d6[/dice]
|
|
Chuffy gives a major *whack*, hitting the goblin in the neck. Munge has a surprised look on his face as his head is removed from his neck.
Chuffy searches his mind for any more relevant information.
"Okay, getting bored now. Next story!" he yells, sitting back in his chair, "Poogie, maybe this one will tell you something with flames in it and you can burn him!" Chuffy rubs his hands at the prospect of burning. Oh, how he loves burning. Almost as much as he loves stabbing.
|
|
A couple of the birdcrunchers grab the fallen Munge, commenting to each other, "In the pot! In the pot!
Then, Munkle Pupsquash leads four goblin dogs, (Lil' Flaky, Grumbles, Snortlick, and Chub-Chub) out of their pen, and out to the clearing to perform.
"Now me tell of The Charge of the Most Powerful Goblins! Long long ago, maybe even two years ago, a group of goblin heroes made a rush at a longshanks city! They leapt the mote, scaled the walls, and just burned the whole place down to the ground, while running away with the whole town's pickles! Me think that the Birdcruncher Chiefs are as good as those old dead goblins, so me thing that they can do the same thing.
"But me not have longshanks town to burn down, which make Munkle sad. But, instead, and maybe even better, 'cause no longshanks will be firing nasty arrows at them, so maybe most of them survive ok.
"Me think you have great fun at this! Me think not boring at all!"
The goblin chiefs mount up! Chuffy gets onto Lil' Flaky, Mogmurch onto Grumbles. Poog gets up on Snortlick, and Reta on Chub-Chub. None of the goblin dogs have saddles, however. They race into the forest, and see a very large and very fresh mudpit!
"This sound better story!" Rita shouts, and sprints to the goblin dogs, and jump-mounts Chub-Chub.
"WAAAGH! Ride on! Here comes The Charge of the Most Powerful Goblin - Rita Bigbad!Charge the pickles! What, mud? Jump, Chub-chub! JUUUMP!"
Poog walks up to Snortlick and grabs his hairless ears, one in each hand. He bring his face close to the muzzle of the goblin dog, with a positively evil grin on his face.
"Rrrrufff RUFF! grrr yip Arf! Grrrraaaarrrggg ruff ruf Ruuuuug Ooowwwwwooooooo ruff ruff" Poog grows and barks while dangling a smelly seagull foot with one hand in front of the dog.
With the understanding reached between the cleric of fire and animals, Poog gets on the back of his new friend. A quick wave of his hand, and Poog gains a little guidance from his divine Zarongel.
"OOOOOWwwwwwwwooooo! Ruff ruf yip yip yip oooooowwwwwwwooooooooo!" Poog howls as the two take off towards the mud.
"Haw haw!" laughs Chuffy with glee as he see's Poog true to form on his attempt to ride an animal, "What that you say yesterday, 'Me Poogie, me learn how ride animals now! Me bestest rider in world!' Haw haw! Poogie still like mud better than animal's back. Poogie, 'Great Chief Mud Rider'! Haw! Here, Chuffy show you how it is done."
With practiced ease, Chuffy climbs onto the goblin dog. It smells so much better than regular dog. Without a saddle, though, Chuffy's constantly erupting facial volcanoes are making the dog's fur slick and matted. It is quite tricky to hold on, but the mean-spirited goblin is too caught up in showing up Poog to truly pay attention to what is going on.
"Chuffy going to beat Poogie! Chuffy knows how to make goblin dogs go real fast!" he yells, taunting his chief. Once on the back of the dog, Chuffy sticks it in the backside with his dogslicer and clings on for dear life.
Chuffy's stuck mount is running so fast, it easily leaps over the mud pit that Poog seems to have fallen into. Chuffy giggles uncontrollably at the fate of his comrade.
He almost doesn't see the narrow ridge until it is too late.
Sticking the dog in its other flank, Chuffy manages to guide it close enough to the wall that it not only makes the narrow ridge, but it does so at great speed. Howling with joy, Chuffy rounds upon the gnome. Weapon already in hand, he digs his knees in to his dog's sides and gets the extra reach he needs to take a swipe at the gussied-up pumpkin.
"Die silly gnome!" Chuffy is really starting to enjoy this game. Chuffy stabs his dog once more for good measure and it charges off down the ridge.
Chuffy pulls up, hard, on the dog's mane and it leaps gracefully over the brambles. The wicked goblin leaps from the dog's back and cheers himself on, "Chuffy is the greatest! Other chief's are losers!" he yells loudly before crying out in pain as the sliced-up goblin dog bites him in the breeches.
Poog show Chuffy. Chuffy likes to burn stuff, Poog see if Chuffy's pimples burn like oil. Poog gonna burn chuffy, then see how much chuffy really like fire.
"Grrrrrrrr ruf ruf ruf"
Poog rides his dog back around, mud caked all over his backside from the first failed attempt.
"Do it right dumb goblin dog! No seagull feet for you!"
Again, Poog circles around, kicking his heels into the dog with unmatched fury, his eyes reflecting the fire of anger at being shown up in a riding competition yet again.
"Poog gonna catch you now!" The goblin cleric speeds his mount along to the ridge.
And races past it with ease.
"Look Chuffy! I pretend pumpkin is you!"
then for
With another evil grin, the pumpkin head explodes in seeds and mush, to the delight of Poog.
"No one can catch me now! Snortlick greatest goblin dog ever! Poog greatest rider ever!" the evil goblin squeals with glee as they race down the ridge.
With grace and majesty only a true goblin chief can manage, Poog and Snortlick leap over the brambles, bounding across the finish line. Poog flicks out his pipe and lights it with his fingers, taking a deep draw. His sharpened teeth glint behind his devious smile.
"Nobody can chief like Poooooooooog chief! Bow before Chief Poog!!!!" The little goblin struts about.
"...JUUUUUUUMP..." Reta screams, keeping her eyes closed. To her great surprise, Chub-Chub leaps easily over the mud pit, and carries the goblin to the other side, un-muddied.
"Yes! Reta good, Reta win again!" Reta laughs hysterically and plants a mighty kick to the goblin dog's flanks to spur it into full speed. Panting and barking Chub-chub speeds onwards along the ridge, accompanied by the crazy cackle of its rider.
Laughing continues and only increases once Reta notices the clothed pumpkins. She spurs her mount into even greater speed, charging towards the imaginary enemy. The goblin-maid draws her dogslicer, and with a mighty blow cuts through the vegetable. "Die, blue-hair pumpkin! Feel might of Reta!" The gnome falls into two pieces, orange blood spashing everywhere. Reta takes the weapon close to her mouth, licking the juices off the blade.
... which wasn't a very smart thing to do, mounted on a galloping goblin dog.
Spitting out some real blood and a piece of tongue, Reta notices Chub-chub's speed is still increasing. They are going down, quite recklessly. Normally such speed would be only a good thing, but now they are approaching a tangled prickly shrub, and they are doing it way too fast. Laughter turns to scream, but miraculously the goblin dog manages to push past the brambles.
"RETA WIN! RETA BIGGEST BADDEST CHIEF!" she cries victoriously (and not even noticing Chuffy, who was already there, wresting with his goblin dog)
|
Sleeping through most of the story, Morgurch wakes with a start.
"Ride dog? Me ride dog. Me great dog rider. Hello Grupples, dog-that-will-be-ridden by me. You look good dog. You have balls, or they cut off?"
Mogmurch grabs him from behind
"Good we get to it. You see Chuffy, that ugly one there, you bite him in arse."
Taking off, Grumbles belies his name by moving rather swiftly, dodging rocks, and tree roots, and low hanging branches. The pain of losing the last contest fresh in his mind, Mogmurch leans low and hugs Grumbles' neck. Up ahead, both spy a small pool filled with mud. Not really caring about their cleanliness, but wanting to win the race, Mogmurch kicks Grumbles in the ribs. Swiftly approaching, she jumps for all she is worth.
.
Grumbles barely has time for her paws to reach solid ground again when they see the forest thinning slightly. The track has a curve to the left, and Mogmurch yanks hard on a tuft to hair and neck fat. Grumbles, well grumbles, but drops her haunches and pulls to the right. The track unexpectedly narrows, and Mogmurch holds on for dear life as they ascend.
”Whew. That close. Almost fall off. Then who gonna kill Chuffy? I die, you kill Chuffy good dog Grapples. Bumbles. Whatever they call you.” Looking up Mogmurch sees the ‘gnomes’ in front of him. ”Hate gnomes. Hate longshanks. Hate Chuffy. Like to make things go . But me kill pumpkin gnome. Bake Chuffy into pumpkin pie.” Drawing his club, Mogmurch swings it around his head before bringing it down on top of the gourd shaped gnome head.
Mogmurch smiles contentedly as he explodes the gnome/pumpkin.
”Mogmurch and Pummels, best goblin and dog friends ever. We always be friends and destroy! Ride faster fata dog. We gonna win. We gonna be chief’s. You have pack of dogs. I have pack of dumb goblins. We be kings. And you be queens. I have lots of pretty goblin girls take care of me. You get fat and have lots of puppies.”
In a burst of speed, Mogmurch and Grumbles head down the steep embankment. So concentrated on accelerating, that both rider, and ridden do not see the bramble hedge until that last few moments.
”Shhhhhhhiiiiiiitttttt!”
”Hhhhhhoooooowwwlllllll!”
|
|
The goblins take off with a roar of activity! Poog and Mogmurch get quickly mired down in the mud, while the other two ride at breakneck speeds over the ridge and to the gnomes. Reta deftly slices her pumpkin-gnome in half, while Chuffy's more just gets knocked over and breaks open. The other two take a while to catch up. In fact, they barely make it to the gnomes by the time Chuffy and Reta are screaming to the finish line.
Over the brambles, and on to the finish line, the two race! The two try to get everything they can out of their goblin dogs before they collapse, and Chuffy just edges out Reta to win the race!
As the victor, Chuffy is given a jar of restorative ointment that tastes like bacon.
|
|
The next set of goblins prepared a bit of fun—accented with a whiff of burning and a taste of explosions. The goblins made a number of straw effigies representing some of the goblin chieftains’ conquests. Six of these crude dummies are fashioned into dog shapes, three of them into horse shapes, and one particularly lumbering creation somewhat resembles an ogre (meant to represent Pa Munchmeat, the ogre the chieftains defeated to become the leaders of the Birdcruncher tribe). The straw figures are arranged in the clearing 10 feet from the front of the low platform, and each of the goblin heroes is handed a single star candle firework.
Trimple Rotmouth, a recent convert to Zarongel under Poog’s tutelage, explains that the goal of this "adventure" is to shoot the fireworks into the straw effigies, preferably setting them on fire.
Round 1
"Bwa ha ha ha ha ha!!!" Chuffy laughs, despite being bitten, when Poog and Mogmurch finally cross the line, "Chuffy is the greatest! Poogie and Moggie must love taste of mud and feeling of brambles. Moggie worse rider even than Poogie! Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!"
Chuffy thinks hard about the targets. Remembering previous challenges, the greedy goblin tries to "steal" the most points first.
Hehehehehe, Poog make this work once, maybe it work again!
Poog reaches for a long thin wand in his pocket, and holds it next to the firework as he aims at one of the effigies right in the middle of the bunch.
"Mighty Zarongel, lord of fire and killing, it is Poog, your wicked servant. Bless Poog's firework and burn all targets!"
Poog shouts the prayer to his wicked god and activates the wand of fireball launching the pea sized ball of fire into the center of the effigies. With a brilliant flash, a huge ball of flame erupts, enveloping the target area.
The fireball sets fire to combustibles and damages objects in the area.
|
|
Chuffy sets a dog effigy on fire, while mogmarch fires his firework into the ground near a dog. Poog lets his firework shoot off into the sky while he pulls out his wand of fireballs. He burns four dogs and two horses, as well as the Pa Munchmear rendition
Reta shoots at the final dog.
She realize too late she has the firework pointing backwards.
Score
Chuffy 2
Poog 11?
(Note there are not enough points for anyone to beat Poog)
Next round.
|
|
Mogmurch looks at the bombs hanging from his bandoleer, then at the wand Poog is holding, then at the huge fire where the straw characters were, then back to the wand Poog is holding.
"Wooooh. Poog really is great chief. Make that are so . Me kill Poog, take wand that makes fire so big, then become biggest, baddest, bestest war chief ever."
"Then kill Chuffy"
|
|
With most of the targets already smoldering, Trimple Rotmouth calls out... "Most blessed of Zarongel, Poog is the winner... me think. Me think no one can beat his score now!"
He is apparently counting very carefully on his fingers. "Me get that right, right?"
He walks to Poog, who is fingering his wand very suspiciously... and gives him an elixer of hiding as a reward.
Goblins enjoy playing strange and sadistic games. One of the favorites among coastal tribes is a game called killgull. To play this game, one end of a length of twine is tied to a seagull’s foot, while the other end is held by a goblin. Other goblins hurl rocks at the poor bird, trying to knock it out of the sky. The goblin holding the twine can jerk the length to make the goblins miss their throws at the bird.
This event almost didn’t happen. The Birdcrunchers didn’t bother to save any live seagulls from the cookpot, an error they immediately regretted and instantly felt shameful for forgetting. Dillbi Tenthumbs saved the day when she managed to trap a vulture as it was pecking at part of the meal, and substituted that bird for the requisite seagull.
Dillbi gives each of the chiefs a bag full of good throwing rocks, then goes to the cage to release the tethered vulture while she holds on tightly to the twine. After Dillbi releases the bird, the chiefs take their shots at the greasy thing.
Poor, still glowing from his fiery victory, grabs his stones and starts chucking them.
for
-Posted with Wayfinder
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
Chuffy was just about to fire off his fireworks right at Poog when the dirty, rotten, cheating priest is declared the winner.
Chuffy grins as he watches the other goblins taking their aim. The pimply rogue lines up a shot at Poog...
"Poogie! Chuffy so sorry! Chuffy really bad shot!"
|
|
Poog is able to strike the vulture, regardless of how Dillbi yanks on the string.
Mogmurch's attack is also unfettered by the pulling on the string, but the bird still flies.
Then, somehow, Chuffy's throw is SO FAR OFF, that he plinks it off of the armor that Poog wears, but manages to not hurt Poog. The group all nod at his explanation, knowing how bad a shot Chuffy can be!
Reta throws her rock, just as Dillbi manages to drop the string, freeing the vulture. As the bird turns towards the chiefs, Reta plunks the vulture between the eyes, felling it!
Dillbi offers Reta a steadfast gut-stone for killing the 'gull'!
After the game of killgull, as the goblins are about to begin a strange puzzle game involving bags of wasps, boxes full of nettles, and jars of nails, Squealy Nord bursts into the clearing in a squealing panic.
Beat up and bruised, Squealy pounces forward, bows low, and begins snorting and pawing the ground with his trotters. He’s obviously trying to tell the chieftains something, and he nuzzles close to Poog (who has recently taken the heroic and glorious pig as his animal companion).
"Poogie, what's he saying? Chuffy can't speak pig," the annoying goblin wines, "Poogie lucky, he speak pig from birth! Haw!"
Despite having no means of communicating with Squealy, Chuffy jostles for a position at the forefront. He wanted to hear every squeak and grunt. By Zarongel's severely singed holy pubic hair I'm bored with being a chief!
"Hello Squealy Nord! You find something Reta can kill? Reta bored, Reta wants to kill something!"
Maybe if Reta had won more games, she'd not be so bored with the games. But with victories so evenly divided between the Chiefs, there can be no victorious celebration. So, Reta is not merely bored, she's frustrated, too. And usually killing something is the best ailment for that.
|
Poog uses his speak with animals domain ability to see what is wrong with Squealy.
It turns out that something went terribly wrong out on the truffle hunt. Squealy and three goblins went to the Bestest Truffle Field to get the special ingredient for the feast when they discovered a group of Longshanks camped out by the trail. The goblins tried to sneak by, but the
f ilthy humans noticed them and immediately attacked the truff le-hunting expedition. Squealy Nord only barely managed to escape, but the three goblins were killed.
Now, the chiefs have a problem. Their minions have failed them, so if they want to have their favoritest truffle handcakes, they'll have to go collect the fungus on their own!
"Snort sqee sqEEE snort snort"
"Ok sub-chiefs. Squealy says longshanks killed our goblins. No trufflecakes! If those failures were back here Poog would burn them for failing. Poog is glad Squealy Nord survived. Now Poog say we go get trufflecakes on our own!"
"First, the boring story... now we need to pick mushrooms," Chuffy grouses, "Chuffy gonna kill someone else today. If longshanks no give Chuffy excitement, Chuffy find another thing to kill..." Just in case he could be accused of being subtle, Chuffy eyes off Mogmurch and Poog in turn while licking his newly enchanted dogslicer.
He only cuts his tongue up a little.
|
|
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
Poog speak pig? When Poog learn to speak pig? Him talk to lots of pigs? Well Reta, or Rita, she real pig. Play giggle pokes with wrong gobbos. What else him talk to? Him talk to dog, say 'Wooooff'. Dog say, 'Bbbarrrrkkk.'. That boring. Maybe Poog talk to wolf. Him say 'HHooooowwwwllll.' Wolf say, "AAwwwwoooooooo'. That boring too. Maybe Poog boring.
From the back of the crowd, a yell can be heard. ". Gonna make longshanks go lots and lots of . Poop, you hear me? You need me to speak pig?" Pushing his way up to the front of the crowd, Mogmurch grabs Poog by the ear. Pulling it close to his mouth, he screams, ". The goblin releases Poog's ear with a snap.
Turing to Chuffy, "You know Poog speak pig?"
|
|
The truffle field is close to a mile away—about the same distance a typical goblin would chase a puppy before getting bored or distracted. The goblins know the woods well enough, but they have to pick their way around brambles, boulders, and other tricky terrain, which causes the journey to take roughly an hour.
Two wagons, their wooden panels exquisitely carved and vibrantly painted, sit in this forest clearing. The first noticeable thing in the small dell is a burning campfire and three goblin heads stuck on narrow poles. Logs for sitting and gear for cooking surround the campfire, and the smell of a greasy stew floats on the gentle summer breeze.
Horsies? Doggies? Oh dear... oh dear!
Chuffy does what comes naturally and hides. Drawing his crossbow and leaving his companions behind, he creeps ever closer to the stinking humies. Chuffy takes special care to be downwind of the animals as he gets closer.
Chuffy sees the goblin heads on pikes. Cool. Chuffy starting to like these longshanks. Too bad for them that Chuffy is bored.
Chuffy smart to hide. Poog not gonna tell him. Otherwise Chuffy think he important.
Whispering to the rest, "Poog know you jealous of him for winning firework game. It ok. Poog do same thing to longshanks, that even better than burning fake pa munchmeat. Don't get to close before Poog blows them up..."
With a wicked grin, Poog downs his elixir of hiding
Poog looks at the gathered longshanks, hoping they are strong enough to take them out.
"Poog can boom-kill longshanks. Reta like see if he really can. Reta happy to kill dogs!" Reta says with a grin and starts sniffing the air in case there are any canines about.
Great minds obviously think alike... Like Poog, Reta thinks Chuffy is wise to sneak up on the enemy, but the goblin warrioress will not give the thief any credit for that. Silently she follows on Chuffy's footsteps, draws her bow, and prepares to sink a few arrows into some victims.
P
When the goblins are in place and ready for the assault, poog starts things off with a boom.
-Posted with Wayfinder