"Mog is here! We get this fire started!"
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"This fire not big enough!" Chimes in Chuffy. "Needs food badly! We go stab things, then fire have food, and we got...things to STAB! STABSTABSTABSTABSTABSTAB...Wuzzat, King Bubble? You wantz Sausage, Egg, N' Stab without so much Stab in it???
WELL TOO BAD!" He says as he picks up a sharpened rock and jams it into "King Bubble," his largest pustule. He'll come back.
You are goblins of the Licktoad Tribe. Or at least you will be someday. For now, though, you’re whelps—ravenous, amoral, grumpy goblin children who learned to stop eating rocks only a few months ago. But with every day that passes, your whelping cage seems smaller and smaller. The outside world increasingly beckons to your goblin curiosity (and appetite), but the hateful cage bars holds you at bay.
A few other whelps flourish in the cage, even as the smaller and weaker ones are thinned out. Kettlehead stands literally head and shoulders above the competition, being a goblin of impeccable flatulence and having already fashioned himself an impressive hat from a teapot left lying too close to the cages. Even adult goblins—legendary Chief Rendwattle Gutwad among them—have taken note of Kettlehead and his advanced skills of poking the rest of you with sticks and delivering bruise-inducing noogies.
But today is special. Today, instead of a bucket of fish heads, whelp-wrangler Loptop brought a key and unlocked the door to your cage, spilling you sorry lot into the world for the first time. Other Licktoads gather around, eyeballing you and chewing on the fish heads that should have been yours. “You all are too big for cages,” Loptop snorts. “But you’re not Licktoads yet. Licktoads gotta be useful. Licktoads gotta be tough! Licktoads gotta earn their places in the tribe. And that’s what you’re gonna do now! Show us where you belong, even if that ends being the boneyard!”
Mog keeps a wary eye out for Rempty as he searches for something to cover stupid bug birthmark. This not a time for showing weakness.
Reta wave her club around, slinging bits of bug-goo on older goblins.
RETA BIGGEST AND MEANEST HERE! RETA SHOW YOU!! RETA BEAT UP ANYTHING, EVEN TREE!
She stand there all proud, because trees big, and she can beat one up. She give kettle head and mean eye and growl.
RETA KNOCK YOUR DUMB HAT OFF. THEN RETA KNOCK YOUR DUMB FACE OFF TOO!
Licktoad badges can be used by anyone (although a full-grown goblin caught using one is rightfully shamed for playing with “baby toys”). A goblin can activate a Licktoad badge as an immediate action, usually in responseto some danger or special condition. If a Licktoad badge isn’t used within one week, its magic fades and it transforms into a useless scrap of cloth. Once a Licktoad badge is used, its magic fades forever.
Whelp-wrangler Loptop lines the four of you and a handful of other goblin whelps up for your assessment, excusing Kettlehead because of his obvious superiority and remarkable headgear. A large crowd of grinning Goblins come over to spectate - all carrying mud pies and their favourite bit of refuse and over ripe fruits and vegetables.
"We see how you go with being bestest Animal Friendship" cries Loptop with a malicious grin as he holds forth a leash expectantly.
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"You ready for this, King Bubble? Game is foot!"
Chuffy grabs the spider in one hand with the aid of his sticky pustules, then near-effortlessly ties a knot with the other. This is a good knot - if goblins could/weren't afraid to read and write, this would probably be recognized as one of those knots with a fancy silly name.
Having smeared mud on his face to cover mark, Mog's hand is slippery as he tries to grab a spider and he fails miserably. Hoping his failure was not noticed, he quickly tries again and does much better. Finally he manages to secure the knot and looks around furtively to see if his mistake was noticed.
Chuffy gets the spider on the leash quick as a flash, the Goblins cheer and boo... sad not to watch him get hurt.
Mog tries and instead tries holding the fangs...
Attack
...but JUSt avoids being bit!
He gets the leash on too!
Chuffy: PASS
Mog: Pass
Poog: TBA
Reta: TBA
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Poog grumbles a bit. Ugly legged things aren't real things and what's the point of putting a leash on it if you can't even ride it?
Still, he attempts to grab the thing...
...and probably gets bit... or he might have accidentally squished it or burnt it with the burning stick he has...
He'll keep on trying, though! He's not a quitter.
The second effort, if it was even possible, is a bit closer...
There's probably goblins getting bored with his flailing efforts...
...and he probably gets bit again, or smushes it a bit harder...
"Poog gun eet u!"
...well, it's do or die out of the whelping pens. Might be amusing to see a whelpling die to the first challenge, even...
...still going, unless he's stopped or dead!
...there's probably not a dry eye in the camp now as everyone is laughing so hard at Poog's antics!
Almost as if the critter was in on the joke, it 'allows' Poog to grab it?
And then Poog ties a nice pretty bow around the bug
Poog tries and thinks grabbing the fangs is a good idea... worked for Chuffy.
Attack
And gets bit!
The crowd laughs!
Poog tries the fangs again, confused why not wurking.
Attack
And gets bit again!
The crowd laughs harder!
Poog tries grabbing other bitz, not go so hot either.
Attack
And gets bit again!
After the third attempt, the spider skitters away and people drag Poog off.
Chuffy: PASS
Mog: Pass
Poog: No badge.
Reta: TBA
Mog grins, showing too many teeth, as he is feeling much better about mediocre performance now.
Reta snarl at the spider, then wack it on the head with her club before tying knot! Then, she whack it again! And again! And again! She not stop whacking until the grown ups MAKE her stop!
RETA BEST whack GOBLIN FIGHTER EVER!!! whack RETA GONNA whack SMASH ALL DA whack UGLY THINGS whack IN THE WHOLE WORLD whack WITH CLUBBY!!! whack whack EVEN THE TREES!!!!!!! whack whack whack whack whack!
Reta does a good job of getting babylotslegs on a leash.
Chuffy, Mog, and Reta get shiny Animal Fiendship badge!
"That a good show! But now we want BETTERER show! Nothing funnier than hurt Goblins! You do HAPPY BEAT!"
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Chuffy has spent many a cold night looking up at the stars, then looking down into puddles (because Chuffy can stab and kick them), and committing the positions of his facial sores to memory. He is ready for this moment as he draws his sharpened rock and uses it to "connect the dots" across his face. The result looks like...
"...NOTHING! Absolutely NOTHING!" Chuffy cries out in frustrated horror as he looks at his disastrous failure in a handy puddle. "STUUUUUUPIIIIID! CHUFFY SO STUPID!!!"
But wait...he has more sores to try again with on his back! He's spent many a night listening to the owls, and trying to turn his head backwards as they do, and has had enough success that he can try his stunt again with his back-pustules. The result looks like....
...a pickle, maybe? or Wimpy Wobbly in repose, the whelp with the tremors that all the other whelps ganged up on and ate last week?
Chuffy tries something different this time. Now that he's got all these open rivulets in his skin, maybe he can...JUMP IN THE SALTY PICKLE-AND-FISH BARREL!
"TA-DAAAAAAAAAAAUUURRRGGGGGHHHHHHH...!"
Not good enough, huh? Maybe it's the pain, but Chuffy's getting desperate. He looks around, and...
...walks up to Rita Bigbad, and says, "If Chuffy say Reta got beautiful body, would Reta hold it against me?"
"Chuffy...havah...kraft...full of...eeeeeehhhhhhhhllllllssszzz...." Chuffy breathes deliriously out as Reta pounds him into grateful unconsciousness.
Reta grin wickedly, then she bash herself in head with club, making blood fly all over the place! She laugh maniacally while she hit herself over and over, making more goblin blood go fly!
Seeing no one was really impressed with her head-bashing, Reta growl, and smash her leg with club!
Seeing that it wasn't much better, and refusing to lose, Reta do the only thing she can think of! Reta run and jump in cage with spider, and let it bite and stab her with its big sharp teeths!
RETA GO BIG OR RETA GO HOOOOOOMEEEE!!!
Reta pass out from the spider! NOT because it's hairy and icky! Because it bite real hard! Reta no afraid of spiders!
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If Poog has returned from the nearly fatal spider-wrangling failure, he sticks his head near the fire, to toast it like tallshanks toast white sticky goop , not close enough to actually catch fire, just enough to get that nice thick hardening...
Getting just the right level of 'done-ness', he then spins to get it 'just right'.
Chuffy puts in quite a convincing show, but it looks just like a normal beat down - which everyone agrees is good - but not spectacular.
Polite applause.
Reta decides on a layered approach, with each act looking more dramatic than the last!
By the third smash, the crowd goes wild!
Poog follows up, and showing some great innovation, plays a new game that is subsequently titled - 'Toasty Head'. A real crowd pleaser!
Chuffy - Nay
Reta - YAY!
Poog - YAY!
Mog - TBA
Mogmurch limbers up and then confidently struts up to the biggest grown-up goblin in the audience. "You! You could not kick a whelp as far as Mog could throw you!" He then turns and presents his backside, slapping his own bottom in an encouraging taunt. The grown-up does not disappoint and launches Mog into the air with a forceful kick. Mog rolls into a ball and thanks to his flexible constitution, he bounces a full three times before he lands on his lands on his feet with a flourish worthy of a gobbie bard.
Mog, Poog, and Reta win the Happy Beat Badge!
There is polite applause again as the older Goblins examine all the smashed whelps.
"Wake the sleepy one back up"
Sticks are used to rouse the unconscious Reta.
"Singing songs and hurting feelz we know is sign of genius Goblin - now you show us how mean you can be!"
To prove her wit, even in the face of extreme pain, each whelp must deliver a clever insult while chewing on a hot stone plucked from the fire pit. A whelp must succeed at a DC 8 Fortitude saving throw to hold the hot stone in her mouth the first round; calling out a clever insult that same round requires a successful DC 14 Intelligence check. Whelps can try again if they fail the Intelligence check, but the DC for the Fortitude save increases by 1 each round, and a whelp can’t try again once she fails the save. When a goblin fails this Fortitude save, she reflexively spits out the hot stone before it actually causes damage.
Mog pops a rock in his mouth, which immediately begins to sizzle his tongue. He tries to hold it together but fails and spits it out. He frowns and sticks out his burnt tongue, knowing he now likely target for hurting of his feels.
Reta wake up groggily and bite the goblin who shooked her.
Reta no sleep! Reta just... uhhhh.... Thinking real hard about killing stupid dogs!
She roll over and grab at the hot rock, but Mog beats her to it! She wait till he done, and then shove it in her own mouth!
You so ugly, Reta thought you looked like ugly dog b~~%~#+~ after poop!
She smiles, proud of her insult. Though, when she see rest of tribe thought it was dumb, she try again.
You so dumb, you think words are good!
That one not good either! Reta start to get mad, and point at Kettlehead.
You so ugly, you wear kettle to cov-- UGH! PHOOEY!
She not get insult out because rock burn tongue too bad!
Mog and Reta have a bad time - but Reta lasted longer at having burning tongue.
Poog then had a go, but no such fun.
Goblins all laughing AT you, not WITH you!
Chuffy trying to speak, but no one know what he even saying, but still has mouth full of rock.
Mog feeling better about his performance seeing so many others whelps fail too. Young tongues must be too tender for hot rocks. He say to his fellows, "Badges? We no need no stinking badges!"
The Goblins all grumble - "Dimmer than a burnt pot"
"But one last challenge! To prove the nimbleness of your teeth, you whelps must dig
worms out of the mud without using hands or feet!"
You are shown to a patch of horrible dirt. The other goblins smile.
RETA FIND TWO WORMS!! RETA BEST WORMFINDER!!
Mog dutifully get to eating dirt, at least mud is cool and his tongue is too burnt to taste much.
Mog only finds one worm, but it's something at least.
"We finded something you ALL do well!"
The crowd cheers once more as you get you all get a new shiny badge - the Squirmtongue Badge!
The crowd disappears, and you are now free from your whelping cage and free to roam the village. You see Kettlehead and his flunkies striding out of town, being waved off lovingly by Chief Gutwad.
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Poog will sleep with one eye open for half the time then go looking for mischief. He's too much of a whelpling yet, to go kicking down doors. If he can join in on a fight, he will do so, but he won't start one.
Failing that, though, Fire is his only friend and he'll spend a long time admiring any fires the goblins have going because FIRE!
Reta will scavenge for anything she can, and also maybe beat up small animals.
Reta and Poog manage to find about a half a dozen objects that could be used as clubs, and also a longshanks broomhandle that could be used as a staff.
Chuffy though, he manages to find a case containing seven darts being used to prop up a wobbly table. The case’s lid has a neat strap that lets someone use it as a light wooden shield.
The next morning you are awoken by the ugly sun.
Loptop gathers you all at the edge of the village to address the group as a whole.
A group of older and bigger Goblins stand around grinning.
“You maybe think you be tough because you got out of your baby cage, whelps? Psht! You no be goblins. The only real goblins are Licktoads, and a Licktoad without a toad is just… lick. So. If you want be Licktoads, you need to catch a toad at Tadpole Bog and also not die. Then you take the toad to Cave of Darkfear and also not die. Then you show your toad to the Darkfear spirit, and maybe if you really are a goblin, then you also not die. Get toad. Show spirit. Kill anything that wants to stop you. Don’t die. That last part is very important.”
Loptop sketches out a crude map, showing the location of Tadpole Bog and the Cave of Darkfear, then shoos you on your way.
Mogmurch is too full of mud to do much, so he looks for hidey hole to sleep in so Rempty won't find him and bite him. Later when he wakes up feeling better, it not matter what he finds because he keep putting them in beautiful fire to find out does they boom.
But when he finds out they will be hunting for toads, he begins looking around for things that might work for catching and keeping toads.