My Rejected Proposal - Comments welcomed


Society Scenario Submissions

Scarab Sages

Sooooooo, I got my rejection.....get yours yet? :)

Comments welcome. I haven't played/GMed/written RPG material for quite a few years.

The Tide of Morning
Introduction
Three years ago, the daring Azlanti thief Oldat masterminded the robbery of the Galton Lodge at Woodsedge. He and his troupe of rogues circulated through the town before the heist, spreading rumors of Chelaxian sympathy in the lodge. Carefully manipulating the local populace, the troupe managed to stir a mob of fanatics to storm the lodge. While the screaming horde put the venture captain and her servants to death, the thief and his band looted the lodge of artifacts and valuable records.

Oldat soon learned there truly is no honor among thieves when a series of bloody mutinies, instigated by greedy lieutenants, challenged his leadership. Unable to stop them all, his organization dissolved and splintering factions repeatedly plundered the Woodsedge treasure hoard. Before long, the treasures were scattered to the far winds.

Oldat licked his wounds and rebuilt a small core of loyal followers deep in the Verduran Forest. Recently the band began preying upon travelers between the lumber towns of Bellis and Fusil.

Summary
The Andoran Lodge at Almas recently received reports of a bandit deserter who stumbled into the town of Fusil. The deserter, an obvious victim of a spider swarm, died almost immediately. Before his death, the deserter managed to mention the name Oldat. These are the first reports of Oldat in over a year, and the Pathfinder Society is very interested in finding Oldat and recovering what may remain of the Woodsedge Heist.

The party is to journey to the town of Fusil and from there investigate the reports. They are to track down Oldat, locate his headquarters and ascertain if he is still in possession of any of the Woodsedge treasures. If possible, they are to return any treasures located to the lodge at Almas.

Encounters
Fusil:
The party quickly travels to the town of Fusil where they examine the possessions of the bandit deserter and speak with the local sheriff, a wise and experienced woodsman. The bandit’s possessions provide no hints. Conversations with the sheriff reveal the bandit’s last words referred to Oldat and something called the “tide of morning”. The sheriff and local populace will also happily discuss the persistent problem of bandits along the forest road to Bellis, providing compelling evidence that Oldat's headquarters are in this area.

Ambush:
Bandits ambush the party while it investigates the road between Fusil and Bellis. (Tier 1-2: EL4, Rogue-1 (4) CR1; Tier 4-5: EL6, Rogue-1 (3) CR1, Rogue-4 (1) CR4). Through either questioning of survivors or searching the bodies of the bandits, the party learns they are members in Oldat’s gang. The party also discovers the location of a nearby bandit outpost.

Bandit Outpost:
After a few hours of travel, the party arrives at the bandit outpost and finds it deserted. A careful search will find a note from Oldat calling for help from all spare personnel and a map indicating the location of Oldat’s headquarters (Tier 1-2: EL4, poison needle trap CR2, camouflaged pit trap (2) CR1; Tier 4-5: EL7, poison dart trap CR1, camouflaged pit trap (2) CR3). Dead bandits and spider corpses litter the web-shrouded camp.

The Courtyard:
The party locates Oldat’s base in the ruins of an ancient tower keep. They find the courtyard guarded by spider swarms and assassin vines (Tier 1-2: EL4, spider swarm CR1, assassin vine CR3; Tier 4-5: EL6, spider swarm (2) CR1, assassin vine (2) CR3).

The First Level:
Over the entryway of the tower is a crumbling engraving. All that remains is the cryptic phrase “…tide of morning…” The first level of the tower contains evidence of a fight and spiders in a hall heavily shrouded in sticky web (Tier 1-2: EL3, medium spiders (3) CR1; Tier 4-5: EL5, large spiders (2) CR2, medium spider CR1).

The Upper Level:
The upper level contains more dead bodies, ettercap, and more spiders (Tier 1-2: EL4, ettercap CR3, medium spider CR1; Tier 4-5: EL6, ettercap CR3, medium spiders (4) CR1). The party finds the corpse of Oldat wrapped in spider web, clasping a minor artifact from the Woodsedge Heist. Further investigation by the party will turn up the historical records the thief stole, and evidence that funds for the Woodsedge Heist were of Taldor origin.

Conclusion
If the party fails, ettercap and spiders grow in number and eventually overrun the town of Fusil.

If the party succeeds in locating Oldat’s corpse, it should be a simple matter to return to Almas with the artifact and records.

RPG Superstar 2012

EricTheRed wrote:

Sooooooo, I got my rejection.....get yours yet? :)

Comments welcome. I haven't played/GMed/written RPG material for quite a few years.
[

I haven't had a chance to completely digest what you've written, but you were definitely a victim of writing a scenario that has already been requested in a previous open call (17 or 18--I can't remember).

I'll provide more input later.

Liberty's Edge Contributor, RPG Superstar 2012

Oh, and here's mine if anyone wants to take a look:

Tide of Morning

Introduction: Every morning for the past week, an ominous fog rolled into the town of Bellis from the Verduran Forest to the west. The fog, which appeared just before daybreak and was accompanied by a sinister droning sound, typically faded with the mid-morning sun. Other than some unease, the townspeople hadn’t experienced anything wrong. However, after yesterday’s fog, Bellis’ foremost apiarist, Dortan Frisch, disappeared. Eyewitnesses claimed gigantic bees carried him off. While few in town will miss the taciturn beekeeper, the abduction dealt a blow to the Pathfinder Society, because Frisch had trained some of his bees to act as spies on their behalf. The Society, concerned that Taldoran raiders kidnapped him, asks the adventurers to investigate. Unbeknownst to anyone, his experiments in combination with those conducted by his chief rival, Axton DeNoir, created a new race of bee-like humanoids. Their king is responsible for the abduction, as well as the eerie fog, which he used at the beginning to hide his reconnaissance activities and his dealings with Frisch’s rival.

Summary: The morning after the adventurers arrive, fog rushes in, as usual. After fending off giant bees that use the fog as cover to attack the party, the group confronts Axton DeNoir who has information about Frisch’s disappearance. After interrogating or fighting the rival (and his giant centipedes), they discover DeNoir had spoken to a “king bee”—the likely culprit in the kidnapping. On the way to the bees’ lair, a dryad, infatuated with the king, accosts the party. Upon dealing with the dryad and her animal companions, the adventurers finally reach the bees’ hive, where they have to dispatch the humanoid giant bee warriors guarding the entrance. Finally, they face the “king bee” inside his hive and, if successful, recover Dortan Frisch.

Encounter 1: The morning after the party arrives in Bellis, the fog rolls in and giant bees invade the inn where they are staying. The bees target the adventurers, but savvy party members will be able to discern that the bees’ motivation is to drive off the group. After the group deals with the bees, the innkeeper volunteers information that Axton DeNoir experimented with enlarging bees in order to show up Dortan Frisch.

Encounter 2: Axton refuses to talk to the party. Using Diplomacy or Intimidation, they learn DeNoir received visits from a “king bee.” The king and his warriors were accidentally created when DeNoir enlarged a few of Frisch’s bees. The party also learns the general direction of the king and obtains DeNoir’s wand of repel vermin, which he used as a bargaining tool against the king. If the party dispatches DeNoir, who is protected by large centipedes, they find the wand and notes in his lab detailing the above information.

Encounter 3: En route to the king bee’s lair, the dryad Veliisha stops the adventurers and tries to convince them to leave the bees alone. Once again, the party has the opportunity to use diplomatic means to convince Veliisha of their intentions, thereby discovering her romantic interest in the king. Despite the group’s intentions, she will follow the party to the hive, so the next encounter could be more difficult if it is obvious the adventurers are trying to kill the bees. If the party chooses to fight the dryad, she calls the wolves she has befriended to help.

Encounter 4: The party reaches the hive, protected by verminoid (Advanced Bestiary) giant bee fighters. To gain entry to the hive, they have to defeat these guards. Veliisha complicates matters if she still lives.

Encounter 5: Inside the hive, the king bee (a verminoid giant bee druid) holds Dortan Frisch captive, in an attempt to learn Frisch’s secret to creating intelligent bees. The party has to defeat the king or convince him to release Frisch.

Conclusion: If the party succeeds in rescuing Frisch, he hands over his notes on the communication techniques he developed. These notes combined with DeNoir’s research will help the Pathfinder Society discover the process by which the verminoid bees were created. Dortan Frisch returns to his role as spy for the Society. If the party spares the king’s life, the Pathfinder Society has a chance to make friendly contact with a burgeoning race.

If the party fails, the king kills Dortan Frisch and learns how to create more bee creatures, which he uses to menace Bellis. The Pathfinder Society will lose its asset and the opportunity to befriend these new creatures.

Scarab Sages

taig wrote:

I haven't had a chance to completely digest what you've written, but you were definitely a victim of writing a scenario that has already been requested in a previous open call (17 or 18--I can't remember).

I'll provide more input later.

Yep....I see it now. #17 will have spiders and ettercap. :(

Shoot.

I'd still welcome comments on writing style, technical problems and formatting.

Liberty's Edge

Damn I believe that one interesting scenario would have felt like Random Encounter... and Joshua surely is right in that feeling yet... I give mine for the Critique

Tides of Morning

The rolling waters of the Sellen River has divided the Verdan Forest since before the rise of Andoran, and now it partially serves as its boundary with Taldor. There Andoran has minutemen watching if Taldor’s imperial aspirations resurface, and with good reason.
Lord Iacobus Mattis, fifth of his name, has his eye on the frontier town of Bellis, and believes that controlling Bellis would extend Taldor’s Border (and his personal power) to the rest of the forest, cutting Andoran of this resource.
To achieve this, Mattis has contacted a company of hobgoblins mercenaries and paid them to destabilize the area surrounding Bellis, giving him and his troops an excuse to arrive with an offer of help in exchange of swearing fealty to Taldor.
Meanwhile, Venture-Captain Wallas asks the PCs to discover the whereabouts of Pellius Crispin, an old friend who was looking for an important artifact around Bellis, but whose letters stopped arriving a month ago.

Summary

The PCs begin in the Verdan Forest, looking for clues about Crispin. Soon enough they would find a couple of rangers being attacked by woodclimber giant geckos, who after being saved by the PCs would guide them to Ragnar Firefoot, the minutemen’s leader along the Taldan border. Firefoot has news of Crispin, but the PCs would have to prove their worth before he parts with any information. Once on their way, the first mistgales appear, forcing the PCs to slow their advance. As they walk inside the mist the PCs discover some light in the distance, but following the source they are surrounded by rainbow-colored strands of spider web, where they will have to survive a buckawn’s cruel joke.
After defeat the dream spiders, the PCs arrive to a clearing from where they can see the ruins mentioned by Firefoot, and a dam between them and the ruins. Over the dam, there are a group of hobgoblins preparing everything to blow it, unless the PCs can stop them. Finally after saving the dam, the PCs would enter the ruins where the hobgoblin’s commander and his krenshar pet are.
Inside the ruins there is proof about Taldor’s involvement and about Crispin’s fate.

Encounters

Act 1) Gecko’s Hunt

A female ranger is trying to fend away a giant gecko, while another eats her dead companion, unless the PCs help her she would follow.
After being saved Rulla (ranger), offers to guide them to her superior, who might have information about Crispin.

Act 2) Minutemen Encampment

Ragnar Firefoot thanks the PCs for saving Rulla, and indeed has news of Crispin, but doesn’t believe the PCs can reach the place alone. To give them the information he test them, they need to catch Quickwits, his firefoot fennec companion, without harming it. After they do, Firefoot draws a map to the ruins.

Act 3) Spider’s Groove

In their way to the ruins, the weather becomes colder and the first mistgales fall over the land. The PCs have to slow their pace, but as they advance they see a light in the distance, after they search for the source they find themselves surrounded by rainbow-colored strands of spider web and dream spiders closing on them. This is a deadly joke played by Greenpeddler, a Buckawn that has befriended the spiders, and uses their poison to craft antidotes that he sales to Bellis’ rangers.

Act 4) Tides of Morning

Finally, as dawn arrives, the PCs can see the ruins overlooking a dam, which is being rigged with explosives by hobgoblin mercenaries, if the PCs are unable to stop the three explosions or kill the hobgoblin engineer, they will lose their way to the ruins and Bellis’ would be open to attack by the mercenary.

Act 5) Hobgoblin’s War Room

After saving the dam and entering the ruins, the PCs discover Crispin’s fate at the hobgoblin commander’s hand. The PCs have to fight him and his krenshar ally to find Crispin’s notes and to stop the attacks on Bellis.

Conclusion

Failure: The dam is broken and Bellis suffers multiple hobgoblin’s attacks until their rangers can drive them away or accept swearing fealty to Taldor.
Success: The mercenaries, seeing there is no flood and their commander is dead decide to relocate. Firefoot and Bellis’ Mayor are pleased and thankful for the PCs involvement, even if they found no information about Taldor’s support, and offer them their friendship. Venture-Captain Wallas thanks the PCs for revealing Crispin’s fate and returning his notes and diaries.

Liberty's Edge Contributor, RPG Superstar 2012

EricTheRed wrote:
taig wrote:

I haven't had a chance to completely digest what you've written, but you were definitely a victim of writing a scenario that has already been requested in a previous open call (17 or 18--I can't remember).

I'll provide more input later.

Yep....I see it now. #17 will have spiders and ettercap. :(

Shoot.

I'd still welcome comments on writing style, technical problems and formatting.

I've had a chance to look over it completely. I liked it. You have a nice Pathfinder Society hook in here, and everything in the adventure fits the plot.

I only noticed a couple of minor things ("Galton" instead of "Galtan", "spider web" instead of "spider webs"). I'm not sure if you needed to tie the spider/ettercap plot more tightly to the dead bandit. I think you hint at it with the references to "tide of morning." I'm also not sure about the open-ended Taldor connection at the end of the adventure. I'm nitpicking, really, though.

Liberty's Edge

EricTheRed wrote:

Sooooooo, I got my rejection.....get yours yet? :)

Comments welcome. I haven't played/GMed/written RPG material for quite a few years.

The Tide of Morning
Introduction

the story sounds interesting, diodn't know that a similar idea was being used for #17... just in the introduction I would be a lot less repetitive in the use of words... I believe "lodge" is used 6 times :S

Liberty's Edge

taig wrote:

Oh, and here's mine if anyone wants to take a look:

Tide of Morning

Introduction:

I am no one to make a critic about an story... and while its tightly ciund and refering to Bellis main commerce...

its keeps hurting my head while thinking of bee spies,giagiant bees, new races...

Also I believe Pathfinder Society is not that much in the interest of having spies over Taldan (or another place, I supoose they where the ones they were spying)

this of course is entirely on liking, except were I believe that Pathfinder society is basically apolitical.


The Decline of Glory

A state of anarchy rules in Maheto's industrial district as a culture of gangs has grown into prominence. Rival dueling schools vie to prove the superiority of their master’s teaching, dwarf clans settle ancient blood feuds, and businesses firebomb their competitors. All are driven by the political teachings of the philosopher Marcus Septimus whose teachings have taken root here. His vogue teachings that steel sharpens steel and that conflict breeds excellence blended well with the Taldorian mindset to create a situation where the rule of law no longer holds sway and the only rule is do what though will to be excellent and succeed. Among this chaos, a young bard hides with a prize the Pathfinder Society wish to recover.

Sent to recover the Wayfinder of Euphemi Nevermoore the city's Venture-Captain, the PCs are plunged head first into the districts violence. Stolen from her during a dalliance with a young bard by the name of Katallin Zalvalakti, the Wayfinder contains an ioun stone that points towards the lost dwarven hold of Deepforge. The PCs must track the troublesome bard through the streets of 'the smoke', Maheto's industrial district. Eventually they locate him at a flophouse, only to find that he has stashed the item elsewhere. He is willing to return it to them, but explains that he is no longer able to get it for them himself, due to having had a falling out with Leianna Zalvalakti, his cousin and the head of the local Sczanri. The Wayfinder is in her possession. Katallin Zalvalakti and the PCs set off for The Rabbit Prince - the legitimate face of his cousins operation. On route the PCs are caught up in a street brawl between two dueling schools, during which Zalvalakti tries to escape. Eventually the PCs confront the Sczarni gang in theie base and must either negotiate for the safe return of the Wayfinder or fight against the odds to regain it.

Act One: Hustles, Bustles, Toil and Trouble.
The PCs set out to find Katallin Zalvalakti amongst the crowds of the smoke using their keen senses and glib tongues to find clues as to his whereabouts.. Their search finally leads them to the dingy shop of a fortune teller and information broker called Blind Hett. For the price of a finger, the toothless old woman agrees to tell them where to find their quary.

Act Two: The bard and his bird.
Confronted with a scene of chaos on their arrival at the flophouse, the PCs find Katallin under attack by one of his lovers who has discovered his unfaithfulness. The PCs must intervene if they wish any chance of finding the Wayfinder. Once they have subdued the battle, the PC's must persuade Katallin to help them get back the Wayfinder.

Act Three: Steel sharpens steel.
As the PCs make for the sign of the Rabbit Prince, they come across two flamboyantly dressed gangs of young men facing off with falcatta and bucklers in their hands. Near the group, a clique of well-dressed nobles watches. This is Marcus Septimus and his circle of followers, watching as two schools of fencers test their steel against one another. Events quickly spiral out of control as the fight escalates. Drawn into the fracas by their factional ties, the PCs must juggle an escape attempt by Katallin and their involvement in the battle.

Act Four: Drinks at the Rabbit Prince.
Entry to the Sczarni-run pub is easy enough, but getting access to Leianna Zalvalakti is not. The PCs must drink, gamble and fight their way into the gang leader's good graces. Numerous small challenges and risks confront the PCs from a round in the ring with a bare-knuckle fighter, to betting on dogfights and avoiding pickpockets while the aspirant crime boss decides if she will see the PCs.

Act Five: Parliament of daggers.
The PCs must tackle a delicate negotiation with Leianna Zalvalakti for the Wayfinder. Can they manipulate the different factions of the gang to regain the Ioun stone and wayfinder? If they cannot, can they at least split the gang along its fault lines to improve their chances of survival?

Conclusion: The PCs return to the local lodge with their prize, but most likely at a price. Their passing has stirred the embers of the fire at Maheto's core, but their actions may bring further chaos as easily as order. Can the family rift between Katallin and Leianna be healed or will Maheto's blood-stained streets decline further from glory...


Until the Clouds Clear

In the depths of the Verduran Forest, an old hunger stirs. When a joint archeological expedition by the University of Almas and the Pathfinder Society ventures to the edges of Andoran civilization, they uncover more than they bargain for in the depths of the Forest. Off the beaten track, an old faith hides, its followers knowing the harshness of winter and the pang of hunger. Can the expedition escape with their prize, an idol to the cult's goddess, or will they become a grizzly meal.

The story opens with the PCs about to delve into a small shrine at the bottom of a pothole in the forest of Verduran. Descent into the shrine reveals a plethora of horrors and details of a gory and apparently extinct cult that used the sight. The pathfinders are able to plunder a number of relics before a fierce thunderstorm starts and water levels in the cave start to rise. The expedition’s guide advices that they head back towards the near by village of harrow. On arrival, they discover that the ford, which would allow them to ride to Bellis, is impassible thanks to the swollen river. Forced to take shelter in the village's tumble down inn by the storm, they settle down unaware that their hosts still practice the ancient religion of their ancestors, the worship of Urgathoa. The PCs have a chance to socialize and rest with reasonable food before retiring. Little do they know that they have been drugged, after details of their discovery leaks out.

Attacked during the night by the taverns staff, the PCs must form a defense and secure the pub against the mob they can hear gathering. The cult surrounds the building. Forced to hunker down in the Pub, the PCs must formulate an escape. It does not take long for the mob to get organized. The locals attempt to smoke out the PCs with burning reed brands thrown through the windows. Within the smoke, the PCs find a greater threat as it becomes clear that something has slipped into the Pub with them. Amidst the smoke, Shadows move hunting on behalf of the cult. The shadows defeated the PCs have chance to formulate an escape plan. The expedition's maps show an ancient bridge sometimes used by smugglers to the west along the river. The Andoran scholars suggest that with first light, when the sun will be to their back, they should make a run for the bridge. Battling their way through the picket of cultists and ghouls surrounding the pub, the PCs must make a dash for the bridge. On arrival at the bridge the PCs must cross the rickety structure holding off their pursuers as they find a way to destroy the bridge.

Act 1: Into the Maw

The PCs descend into the depths of a long lost shrine to Urgathoa. Amidst ancient chewed bones and slick mud they must race against time to recover relics, as rising water levels threaten the site. The shrine tests the athleticism and academic knowledge of the PCs, as they avoid its dangers.

Act 2: Pork for dinner

With the shrine rapidly flooding and the storm only intensifying, the expedition makes for Harrow and books itself into the town's tavern. The Landlord discovers that they have recovered an idol to Urgathoa and drugs the PCs before going to fetch the village elders to discuss how to recover the Idol. Fortunately, for the PCs, the impatient staff decide to attack before the landlord's return. In a tangle of bed sheets, half-donned armor and confusion, the PCs must defend themselves from the cannibalistic barmaids and one or two of the regulars.

Act 3: In the darkness

Burning brands and smoking chemicals are clattering through the windows, stinging the eyes and causing disorientation in an attempt to force the PCs out. Amid the chaos, the dark forms of shadows move, gleefully taking their toll on the PCs.

Act 4: Dawn's first light

Breaking the pickets around the Pub the PCs must fight past cannibals, ghouls and ghasts, with only the morning sun as their ally.

Act 5: Smuggler's way

With the residents of Harrow in pursuit, the PCs must navigate a collapsing bridge as more and more of the inhabitants catch up. Once over, they have to destroy the structure to truly make good their escape.

Conclusion: In the wake of the expedition, the Eagle Knights purge several settlements in the area, thanks to the pathfinders.

RPG Superstar 2012

Montalve wrote:
taig wrote:

Oh, and here's mine if anyone wants to take a look:

Tide of Morning

Introduction:

I am no one to make a critic about an story... and while its tightly ciund and refering to Bellis main commerce...

its keeps hurting my head while thinking of bee spies,giagiant bees, new races...

Also I believe Pathfinder Society is not that much in the interest of having spies over Taldan (or another place, I supoose they where the ones they were spying)

this of course is entirely on liking, except were I believe that Pathfinder society is basically apolitical.

The spying thing was not in a political sense as much as it was a way for them to keep tabs on interesting goings-on in Taldor without having a direct presence there. That isn't clear in the scenario, and I failed in that sense.

Liberty's Edge Contributor, RPG Superstar 2012

Montalve wrote:

Damn I believe that one interesting scenario would have felt like Random Encounter... and Joshua surely is right in that feeling yet... I give mine for the Critique

Tides of Morning

You've got a lot of interesting encounters, but it seems like you've got a "save the day" scenario which is only coincidentally linked to a Pathfinder Society mission. This seems to be more about the PCs preventing a land grab by Taldor.

I'm really pedantic about grammar (not that I can see mistakes in my own, mind you), and there were a couple of places that were confusing or read oddly ("Soon enough they would find a couple of rangers being attacked by woodclimber giant geckos, who after being saved by the PCs...", sounds like the geckos are being saved by the PCs). I have no idea if this matters or not to Josh, though.

Overall, I liked it, and I hope you keep up with future submissions.

Liberty's Edge Contributor, RPG Superstar 2012

Zombieneighbours wrote:

The Decline of Glory

This is a nice scenario with a lot of interesting events. I got a little confused sometimes about who was who, and I really couldn't get a grasp on what constituted the encounters (who do they have to fight, how can they get out of the encounter besides fighting).

As with Montalve's scenario, this could benefit with some proofreading (Sczanri, theie). Sorry, I can't help it--it's like a disease.

Scarab Sages

taig wrote:

Oh, and here's mine if anyone wants to take a look:

Tide of Morning

Interesting piece. You've got some passive voice in your opening paragraph and some other grammar errors.

taig wrote:
The fog, which appeared just before daybreak and was accompanied by a sinister droning sound, typically faded with the mid-morning sun.

Try "The fog appears just before daybreak accompanied by a sinister droning sound, typically fading with the mid-morning sun."

taig wrote:
Other than some unease, the townspeople hadn’t experienced anything wrong. However, after yesterday’s fog, Bellis’ foremost apiarist, Dortan Frisch, disappeared.

Instead, try something like "Other than some unease, the townspeople had not experienced anything wrong. Until yesterday when Bellis’ foremost apiarist, Dortan Frisch, disappeared."

RPG Superstar 2012

EricTheRed wrote:
Good advice.

Thank you very much! I definitely need to give myself more time before the submission due date so I can catch issues like this.

Scarab Sages

How long until we can try the next one? I'm champing at the bit :/

Sovereign Court

Considering I only had about two hours to write this, I'm not terribly surprised at the rejection notice. I think my biggest problem was that I got stuck in the typical format of five distinct encounters, so the strongest part of my concept - the PCs being hunted through a dark forest - got lost in the milieu. Anyway, it would be nice to hear some feedback :-). I'll try to comment on the other submissions in this thread tomorrow, if my toddler takes a decent nap.

Tide of Morning

Introduction
The necropolis of Nogortha may be the last graveyard of the barbarians who fell to General Khastalus, but it is not necessarily the richest. Hidden within the Arthfell forest lies a small collection of barrow mounds known only to a handful, including the last living son of a former line of Andoran nobility. When Pathfinder Gerildo Borden returns to his homeland to excavate the graves, he uncovers a steady stream of ancient artifacts – a rich cache of previously lost history and treasures. Lately, the expedition camp has had bandit trouble, and reinforcements are called in.

Gerildo discovers a tome detailing the history and layout of the surrounding region as it existed over a thousand years ago. While the minor barbarian king it was buried with probably valued it only for the elaborate silver and gold inked drawings, Gerildo knows better and decides to keep the tome for himself. So he contacts the bandits he had previously hired to “steal” choice items and arranges for them to attack the camp and take the book. Unfortunately for him, the PCs arrive the evening the attack takes place.

Summary
Shortly after the PCs arrive, they are introduced to Gerildo’s pack of shadow mastiffs so the dogs will know their scent and not attack them on sight. That night Gerildo’s bandits attack. The following morning Gerildo calls the PCs in for a meeting and explains that he would like them to carry the recent haul of treasure away this very night. He also shares a ruse he devised to fool the spy he says must be in the camp: he will appear to lose his temper with the PCs and chase them away, threatening to loose his pets to track them and tear them apart. Before they go, Gerildo also provides them with a map and a new route to follow. He looses the mastiffs on them as soon as the sun is down, meanwhile framing the PCs for stealing the book. Shortly after entering the forest, the PCs are attacked by a swarm of bats, then stumble into a lake where they encounter a green hag. Betrayal becomes apparent and a desperate race through the forest ensues, as the baying of the deadly mastiffs is heard on their trail.

Encounter 1
Bandits, in truth hired by Gerildo, attack the camp the first night after the PCs arrive. Observant PCs may notice that the shadow mastiffs do not immediately attack and did not warn of the intruders. Once the mastiffs jump into action, they tear the remaining bandits apart.

Encounter 2
Gerildo sends the PCs into the forest with the most recent collection of unearthed artifacts, including a lead-lined case that supposedly carries the book (which Gerildo actually keeps hidden back in the camp). As the sun sets, a hungry swarm of bats exits a hole in the ground near the PCs feet.

Encounter 3
Literally stumbling into a lake [crumbling bank, as a pit trap] not listed on the map, the PCs are attacked by a green hag. Soon after, it becomes apparent from occasional baying that the mastiffs are on the trail of the PCs.

Encounter 4
Making their way around or across the lake, the PCs encounter a curious Black Bear cub. The cub attempts to snatch any packs that have food in them, but is easily scared off. The cub’s mother is not so easily scared off.

Encounter 5
If the PCs stay ahead of the shadow mastiffs until dawn (through successful Survival checks and/or clever use of spells and resources: see sidebar for options), they will face a much easier challenge when the pack catches up. Otherwise, this will be a very difficult encounter.

Used to hiding behind his pack, Gerildo (Ranger, level dependent on tier) waits in the shadows until they kill the PCs or are obviously defeated. He isn’t sentimental about the deaths of his pet pack, but he will be angry about the loss of such a valuable asset. Of course, as long as he kills or drives off the PCs, he’ll be able to afford superior replacements.

Conclusion
If the PCs kill Gerildo, they will still have to deal with being framed. Before he left the camp to chase the “thieves” down, he sent swift messengers to deliver the news of the PC’s betrayal to the Pathfinder Society. If they keep Gerildo alive and turn him in to the Pathfinder Society, he will stick to his story but can eventually be broken.


Elora wrote:
Tide of Morning

Some great elements here. Your backstory is tight, and the storyline is very clear. You really hooked me at the end of the 2nd paragraph with Gerildo hiring the bandits -- clever twist. It was enough to drive my reading interest throughout. Having the party's contact betray them is way overdone in adventures, but here Gerildo's actions felt absolutely logical, and I think you pull it off well.

Also strong is your use of the Shadow Mastiffs -- I liked the image of this slavering, semi-tame pack commanded by a nobleman, and later hunting the party through the forest. The young bear with momma bear is also a fun encounter. The tie-in to Pathfinder Society is compelling and unforced.

Encounters 2, 3, and 4 felt too random to me, and not tied into the main plot.

I'm concerned there's enough foreshadowing early on that some more experienced (aka jaded) players might derail the adventure by not following Gerildo's plans. E.g. clues:
- the mastiff's delay that PCs may notice in encounter one
- PCs may knock open the lead-lined case and find the book missing
- being introduced to the mastiffs early on is like showing a loaded gun
This would be fun, and lets your players feel smart, but it also bypasses 3 of the 5 encounters. Your 4-hour convention slot becomes a 2-hour adventure.

The rest I have to comment on is just nitpicky stuff:

Elora wrote:
The necropolis of Nogortha .... a small collection of barrow mounds

Confused. Are these one and the same? Necropolis brings to mind something impressive, but then it's just a few mounds?

Elora wrote:
the last living son of a former line of Andoran nobility ... Pathfinder Gerildo Borden

Again, are these one and the same? I wasn't initially sure.

Elora wrote:
That night Gerildo’s bandits attack. The following morning Gerildo calls the PCs in for a meeting and explains that he would like them to carry the recent haul of treasure away this very night

So it's night, then it's morning, then it's night again? The PCs are hanging around the camp for a long time. Not sure if this is what you meant, but I think you're better off having the meeting, and sending the PCs packing immediately after the bandit attack if possible.

Elora wrote:

the PC’s betrayal

near the PCs feet

the PCs' betrayal

near the PCs' feet

Elora wrote:
including the last living son of a former line of Andoran nobility

Two "of"s makes this feel awkward, perhaps a little run-on.

Elora wrote:

they are introduced to...

baying of the deadly mastiffs is heard

both passive.

Elora wrote:
threatening to loose his pets... He looses the mastiffs on them

close repetition. Maybe he sets the mastiffs on them?

Overall though Elora, very impressive given your tight time limit. I only wish I write something like this in 2 hours!


Pathfinder Adventure Path Subscriber

Here's mine and Deussu's. Looking through the other rejected proposals I must say we're in good company indeed. I'll comment on them later when I have more time to mull over them. This one's for #23. I suspect the name change might have been a factor in the rejection.

----

The Bard Who Cried Wolf

Introduction

Two Pathfinders, a famed collector of folklore Fenrik Stahl and his companion, the halfling rogue Jarkko Dirtfoot have gone missing in the Andoran backwoods. Their last communiqué was a letter sent from Falcon's Hollow, a lumber town in Darkmoon Vale. The letter, signed by Stahl, was written as if the man was possessed; a hastily scribbled note describing a werewolf attack, and a wild goose chase to find a cure for lycanthropy. Venture-Captain Eliza Petulengro grows restless and sends a group of Pathfinders to investigate. Their mission: Find Stahl and Dirtfoot and make sure they are returned to the Grand Lodge in Absalom as soon as possible. The Pathfinder Society can not afford to ignore even the minutest possibility of lycanthropy within its ranks.

Summary

The Pathfinders travel to Falcon's Hollow in Darkmoon Vale arriving at nightfall. There, while looking for information about the two missing Pathfinders, they run into a group of rowdy Lumber Consortium guards. Asking suspicious questions in a backwoods town full of violent men is a sure-fire way to get a bloody nose. The intervention of a bored lumber boss turns the impending melee into a sporting challenge. After some lumberjack-themed fun and games the Pathfinders find out Stahl and Dirtfoot were indeed in Falcon's Hollow a while back asking a lot of questions about werewolves. After some rough treatment at the hands of the lumberjacks Stahl and Dirtfoot headed north towards the ghost town of Wolfspoor.

After spending the night at a local inn the Pathfinders head north. Soon after leaving Falcon's Hollow and entering Darkmoon Wood a bunch of Lumber Consortium toughs ambush the Pathfinders to ”teach the outsiders a lesson”.

Travelling roughly half a day's distance north through the Darkmoon Woods the Pathfinders arrive at an abandoned ferry crossing station overlooking Darkmoon River. Bugbear highwaymen disguising as ferry guards attack the Pathfinders. After defeating the bugbears, the Pathfinders find a captive Dirtfoot with a harrowing tale to tell and the tattered remains of a map to Wolfspoor.

After crossing the river and still heading north the Pathfinders arrive at Wolfspoor. Turns out Wolfspoor isn't a ghost town after all. Questioning a few dour-faced locals reveals that Stahl is behind bars at the local sheriff's office. The sheriff's son is dead and Stahl is being charged for murder. However, Stahl didn't kill an ordinary boy but a werewolf. The town sheriff, his wife, or - only the gods know - any of the other villagers might be werewolves as well.

The howling of a frenzied mob and the baying of wolf-hounds interrupts the Pathfinders. The werewolf-kin townsfolk returning from the local boy's funeral have decided to punish the murdering outsider and his compatriots. They have surrounded the sheriff's office and are brandishing pitchforks, axes and torches. After a running skirmish out of town the Pathfinders escape into the woods with the two rescued men. On the way back to Falcon's Hollow, the sheriff makes a last ditch effort to kill the interlopers and attacks in wolf-man form.

Encounters

Lumberjack Challenge

The Pathfinders must defeat the Lumber Consortium guards at log-running, log-jousting, and tree-climbing.

Payback Time

The Lumber Company guards humiliated at the lumberjack challenge set off a timber avalanche down a steep hill ambushing the Pathfinders. The Pathfinders need to jump logs while dodging arrows to get at their assailants. (Tier 1-2: four lvl 1 warriors. Tier 4-5: eight lvl 2 warriors.)

Bugbear Ferry

Arriving at the ferry station, the characters spot the massive ferryman sitting on a porch, wearing a wide-brimmed hat matching the description of Stahl's headpiece. Upon closer inspection, the ferryman's deception is evident as the bugbear and his hiding companions spring their ambush. (Tier 1-2: two standard MM bugbears. Tier 4-5: three ranger 1/warrior 2 bugbears.)

Mob Rule at Wolfspoor

The Pathfinders need to get Stahl out of his cell and avoid an angry mob screaming for blood. As the Pathfinders make for the trees the townsfolk sick their wolf-hounds at them. (Tier 1-2: 3 wolves. Tier 4-5: 2 worgs.)

Werewolf Attack

The sheriff chases after the Pathfinders and attacks in hybrid form. (Tier 1-2: a MM werewolf with a fighter 1 class level. Tier 4-5: the same werewolf with fighter 4 class levels).

Conclusion

After escaping Wolfspoor with Stahl and Dirtfoot the Pathfinders are free to return to Absalom.


Zombieneighbours wrote:
Until the Clouds Clear
You grab my attention right from the first sentence. Great atmosphere. E.g. this:
Zombieneighbours wrote:
knowing the harshness of winter and the pang of hunger

I like how the PCs start in media res. The hook feels very appropriate to PFS -- nothing forced about it.

Your first and last encounters, are great set pieces and sound like a lot of fun. Blowing up a bridge before the cannibal horde descends on us? Plundering relics before the rising waters drown us? Sign me up! In fact, all of your encounters are well written and inspiring.

You tell a strong story. I don't necessarily mean that as a compliment :-). Survival horror is hard to do in D&D I think -- not because of system limitations, but because of some of the expectation baggage D&D brings. At least, it's hard to do when you don't know what kind of players are going to sit down at the convention table. Many players will go with the flow and help to tell a fun story. I'd be very happy playing this with my home group for instance. Putting on my convention DM hat though, I'm a little worried that Mr. Buttkicker pulling out the barbarian character sheet will try to fend off the plot hammer. Will he chafe against his PC being drugged, and will he try to take on the horde and get the party TPK'd? Or what if the party doesn't go with the suggestion of the Andoran scholars that they make a run for the bridge? It's hard to dictate the PCs' actions. (Just my 2cp though.)

Finally, a few editing nitpicks (like Taig, it seems, I just can't stop myself):

Zombieneighbours wrote:

...more than they bargain for

Off the beaten track
Little do they know

borderline cliches perhaps?

Zombieneighbours wrote:
used the sight

used the site

Zombieneighbours wrote:
will they become a grizzly meal.
will they become a grizzly meal?
Zombieneighbours wrote:
The expedition’s guide advices

The expedition’s guide advises

Zombieneighbours wrote:
near by village of harrow

nearby village of Harrow

Also, Harrow's not a great name here unless it's canon. Reminds me of Harrow deck, and also the public school :-).
Zombieneighbours wrote:
impassible

impassable

Zombieneighbours wrote:
tumble down

tumbledown

Zombieneighbours wrote:
details of their discovery leaks out

details of their discovery leak out

Zombieneighbours wrote:
the taverns staff

tavern's staff or tavern staff

Overall Zombieneighbours, I think this was a great submission, with very strong writing. It's whetted my apetite for Skeleton Moon.


I hope to review more later, but in the meantime I'd be delighted if anyone would like to critique my effort. And feel free to hit me with both barrels. I deserve it. :-)

The Decline of Glory

Introduction
The descent of the House of Pentague has been precipitous, from its golden days of glorious conquest and pillaged antiquities, to today's petty blood feuds and peeling gilt. However, its vault of ancient treasures survives, unviolated and jealously hidden, a remnant of a lost empire.

Aducia, a Taldan Pathfinder long presumed dead, has recently resurfaced. For the last four years, she has insinuated and beguiled her way into the House of Pentague, slowly winning its leaders' trust. Her report to the Decemvirate boasts that she can guide a team of raiders to the hidden vault. The Society covets those relics.

Aducia has indeed infiltrated the House of Pentague, but her loyalty lies with its nemesis, the House of Margraive, not with the Pathfinder Society. Her sole intent is the utter annihilation of the House of Pentague. Secretly an Aranea sorcerer, her talents and pleasure lie in loosening tongues and manipulating the pliable. She plans to use the PCs to discredit a perceptive Pentague rival who rightly suspects her of betrayal. Aducia has preemptively accused the rival of treachery and arrested her, predicting that the Margraives will soon try to liberate their agent. If her plan succeeds, she will pierce the trusted inner circle of the House of Pentague, finally in a position to destroy it from within.

Summary
The PCs travel to Firaga, a once-glorious Taldan coastal town now bled dry by ceaseless war between rival Houses. Aducia fails to attend their rendezvous at the cathedral of Calistria. Instead, the PCs are assaulted by a Pentague gentleman and his cronies. They believe the PCs to be accomplices of an unknown Margraive infiltrator. Soon after the battle ends, the PCs receive a whispering wind in Aducia's distinctive voice. The Pentagues have imprisoned her in their vault under suspicion of spying, she claims. She gives a location for the secret entrance, and adds that it will be unguarded at sunset.

As darkness falls, the sounds of explosions echo through Firaga as the Margraives launch a sortie against a Pentague stronghold, drawing many guards away from the vault. The PCs enter via a sewer where they must defeat, trick, or sneak past an Otyugh. Inside the vault, the PCs find chambers laden with astonishing antiquities and lethal traps.

At the vault's center, the PCs discover a bound woman. Despite appearances, this is not Aducia, but her rival. The Pentagues springs her ambush, sending an Ogre and archers against the PCs. Aducia and a witness escape unseen but the PCs recognize her distinctive voice from earlier.

Aducia hunts down the PCs as they escape Firaga, unless vengeful PCs find her first. While she thanks the PCs for cementing her trusted position, they now know too much to live.

Encounters
Cathedral of Calistria: fight
1-2: Human Warrior 1 x3 EL3
3-4: Human Warrior 5, Human Warrior 1 x2 EL5
6-7: Human Warrior 5 x4 EL8
Features: decadent backdrop, a sacred altar to leap onto, pews to topple

Sewer: fight, roleplay, or sneak
1-2: Otyugh EL4
3-4: Advanced Otyugh EL6
6-7: Advanced Otyugh EL9
Features: wading in noxious swill, shadowy conditions, sneak or bluff alternatives to combat, sounds of explosions and skirmishing in the streets above

Vault treasures: trap
1-2: Ceiling Pendulum. CR3
3-4: Ceiling Pendulum. CR5
6-7: Ceiling Pendulum. CR8

Vault ambush: fight
1-2: Ogre, Human Warrior 1 x3 EL5
3-4: Ogre Barbarian 4, Human Warrior 1 x3 EL7
6-7: Ogre Barbarian 4 x2, Human Warrior 5 x3 EL10
Features: chamber lined with fragile artifacts: priceless vases to smash with a wayward arrow, historical tomes to catch alight, suits of armor to topple. The PCs might be trying to defend or free a bound prisoner. The ogre(s) charge into melee while the archers fire down from a balcony that the PCs can reach via stairs.

Confrontation with Aducia: fight and potentially roleplay.
1-2: Aranea Sorcerer 1, Small Monstrous Spider x2 EL5
3-4: Aranea Sorcerer 3, Large Monstrous Spider x2 EL7
6-7: Aranea Sorcerer 6, Huge Monstrous Spider x2 EL10
Features: A 15'-wide alleyway with sheer walls for Aducia to climb, and slippery rooftops. If she tracked down the PCs, the battle starts with spiders blocking off each end of the alleyway. If the PCs sought her, she and her pets start close together.

Conclusion
If the PCs succeed, they return to Absalom with antiquities unseen by the outside world for centuries. If they fail, the House of Pentague falls within months, its treasures seized and scattered by jealous nobles.


Meds wrote:
Zombieneighbours wrote:


Until the Clouds Clear

You grab my attention right from the first sentence. Great atmosphere. E.g. this:

Zombieneighbours wrote:


knowing the harshness of winter and the pang of hunger

I am glad you like the title. As for the atmosphere, colour me happy that i managed to convey it

Meds wrote:


I like how the PCs start in media res. The hook feels very appropriate to PFS -- nothing forced about it.
Your first and last encounters, are great set pieces and sound like a lot of fun. Blowing up a bridge before the cannibal horde descends on us? Plundering relics before the rising waters drown us? Sign me up! In fact, all of your encounters are well written and inspiring.

in media res was pretty much a necessity, the structure of PFS adventures means there would not have been room to include the journey to the site, or the internal political of academic bodies. That said, I do think the idea benefits from being dropped right into the action.

I especially love the caving scene. Flash flooding in caving is a very real threat and all too often, DnD caves do not really feel like real caves. Caves a muddy, damp and cold places, filled with incredibly tight squeeze for much of their length. More often than not one does not enter them walking, but rather by abseiling, falling or sliding on ones arse. I really want to capture what caving is really like, and use that as an element of the story. As for blowing up bridges with screaming hoards of cannibals running across it, who wouldn't want to do that?

Meds wrote:


You tell a strong story. I don't necessarily mean that as a compliment :-). Survival horror is hard to do in D&D I think -- not because of system limitations, but because of some of the expectation baggage D&D brings. At least, it's hard to do when you don't know what kind of players are going to sit down at the convention table. Many players will go with the flow and help to tell a fun story. I'd be very happy playing this with my home group for instance. Putting on my convention DM hat though, I'm a little worried that Mr. Buttkicker pulling out the barbarian character sheet will try to fend off the plot hammer. Will he chafe against his PC being drugged, and will he try to take on the horde and get the party TPK'd? Or what if the party doesn't go with the suggestion of the Andoran scholars that they make a run for the bridge? It's hard to dictate the PCs' actions. (Just my 2cp though.)

I want to rant here a little, but this isn't the place or the time, and I am aware I look like a twit when I do. Therefore, I will simply ask this; should we, in the era of mature role-playing based on complex storytelling and multi-style play be limiting our selves because a few people cannot grasp that sometimes hitting a problem with a sword just will not solve the issue?

Not going with the Andoran scholars is a fairly easy issue to deal with. You start washing away their equipment in the flash flood and give the PCs hypothermia. They'll soon be looking for safety :D

Meds wrote:
Zombieneighbours wrote:


...more than they bargain for
Off the beaten track
Little do they know
borderline cliches perhaps?

I would say turn of phrase rather than cliche, and even if they are a little cliche, that isn't always a bad thing is it?

Meds wrote:
*Brings up a whole bunch of stupid little errors that really shouldn't have made it into the final piece.*

While I did have it proof read, it was not proof read by my usual proofreader who is really very good at picking up those errors(years of practice dealing with my writing :( ). My own stupid fault, thought all things considered I am still thankful to the people who helped me as it is better than it would have been. I am however very angry with my self for using 'Grizzly', what that should have said was grisly.

Harrow also annoyed me. I completely forgot about the Harrow deck. With regards to Harrow the school, well Harrow is named after a place and i personally like real place name, they feel less like 'high fantasy sillyness' Give me a village called dedham or Stratford-saint-mary before 'the village of willowbank', any day of any week.

Meds wrote:


Overall Zombieneighbours, I think this was a great submission, with very strong writing. It's whetted my apetite for Skeleton Moon.

I am glad you like the submission and I really hope you enjoy Skeleton Moon when it comes out...I think its fairly soon now.

RPG Superstar 2013 Top 16

The muse struck too late, and given the rejection, too light ;>

I think I avoided all of the pitfall as detailed by Joshua, no rappers atleast. Oakden is an existing name, but not terribly out of place in a forest.

Tide of Morning

Introduction
Venture-Captain Jazen Welk asks the PC’s to travel the village of Oakden, located in the northern reaches of the Arthfell Forest, and join Pathfinder Kranik in his search for the ‘Sundial of Spring’. An ancient druidic artefact used to usher in spring.

Summary
Near Oakden, the PC’s are ambushed by hobgoblin bandits. Once they arrive at Oakden, the PC’s learn that Kranik has been severely beaten and robbed of his research notes by a couple of local rogues: Erwin Thell and Owin Valk. The rogues intend to find and sell the sundial, legends imply that it is made of gold. Kranik’s injuries prevent him from joining the PC’s but he implores them to hunt the rogues down. From his sickbed Kranik can tell them the most salient parts of his research notes. The two rogues have a solid head start, but if the PC’s take a shortcut through a rougher part of the forest they can gain a day on the rogues. As the PC’s make their way through the forest they are beset by stirges and boars. The PC’s catch up with Erwin and Owin as they exit the barrow where the sundial was stored. The Sun’s pale morning rays strike the sundial and activate its powers. The sundial has not been used for ages and upon activation it malfunctions. The area surrounding the sundial becomes infused with positive energy and gains the minor positive-dominant trait. The infusion can be seen as a wave of bright light extending from sundial. After 5 minutes the effect will increase to major positive-dominant. Erwin and Owin will try to flee with the sundial, the PC’s must stop them and return the sundial to its resting place in the barrow. At the barrows core, where darkness reigns, the PC’s encounter the sundial’s guardian, an orcish dread zombie druid (advanced bestiary page 105), who was carefully avoided by Erwin and Owin. The undead druid isn’t interested in parley and assaults the PC’s. Defeating the undead and returning the sundial to its resting place ends the influx of positive energy.

Encounters
1: 10 miles south of Oakden the PC’s face an ambush by hobgoblin bandits. The hobgoblins strike with arrows before closing. EL 5 or 7.
2: Wading through a shallow, almost stagnant river a flight of stirges dive down to feast upon the PC’s: EL 3 or 6.
3: Passing through a small vale the PC’s are attacked by herd of boars, defending their young. EL 4 or 6.
4: Erwin Thell and Owin Valk both have levels in ranger and rogue. The infusion of positive energy gives them and the PC’s fast healing 2. EL 5 or 7.
5: Thaak, the dread zombie druid who’s tasked to guard the sundial assaults the PC’s for handling the sundial. The positive energy that the sundial emits ceases as it nears the core of the barrow. EL 5-7

Conclusion:
With both the thieves and the guardian of the sundial dead or destroyed and the sundial returned to the barrow, the PC’s can report back to Kranik who in time devises a safe way to bring the sundial back to Absalom. If the PC’s fail, the influx of positive energy destroys Erwin and Owin and eventually turns the northern part of the Arthfell Forest in an area where life rages unchecked by death. The cycle of life and death is broken and soon vicious mutations appear who in turn prey upon nearby settlements.

Liberty's Edge

taig wrote:
Overall, I liked it, and I hope you keep up with future submissions.

thanks

actually the ide was to have them save Bellis from the land grab by accident... more because they need to reach the other side than actually because they care... but you are right

mmm will have to check that grammar again, while I thought it was refering about the rangers... it might be confusing

thanks for the input.

Liberty's Edge

Zombieneighbours wrote:
The Decline of Glory

Katallin is man or woman? for some reaon it sounds it is a she... but I may be biased

i don't understnd eother in the 3rd act how they are in the middle of the battle with the 2 schools... or in the 5th how are they going to divide the gang...

more importantly... i am not sure every table would be willing to pay a "finger" for the information :S

Outside that the beggining ideas about how the chaos develope are ok... but I don't see the players in this situation being able to do nothiung about this... not that they should as pathfinders... but the conclusions sounds as if it was expected from them.

Zombieneighbours wrote:
Until the Clouds Clear

Zombie the history in general is great, i am only unsure if its right for the Verduran Forest or its better for a mroe jungle like place...

also you offer a conclusion IF they escape, but not if they fail... but i suppose that is clear
you mentionAlmas scholars... how many of them?

this is a challenging scenario... and it is both likely to kill PCs as to kill the NPC going with them... its ok... but what if they look or alternatives?

I like it, I ma not sure but I also believes it needs something more clear in some parts.

PS: after reading what someoen commented above (I think Meds)... what if they say nothing about their discovering... ok maybe the scholar tries to brag about it, but what if the serious and suspicious group decide to shut him... or just tell him to wait for Bellis...

more improtantly the PCs would want to roll the DC of the drug... I already see myself in a tight spot when they say:

-"hey when did i roll my fortitude"
-"sorry... well you all botched it..." <- ohh i see them rebelling already :P

PS2: yes ... will keep an eye for PFS adventure, I may not be able to run it to my usual table... they are city based and after using Black Waters with them they have told me in certain terms that they will sit down adventures like that while the other half goes there and die :P or decides not to go becuase the rest are not with them :P

Cayden call them cowards... still they prefer to stop drinking for a few days than go where they feel unable to cope with the odds (i still remember a bardess scrambling away froma bugbear zombie :P)


Montalve wrote:
Zombieneighbours wrote:
The Decline of Glory

Katallin is man or woman? for some reaon it sounds it is a she... but I may be biased

i don't understnd eother in the 3rd act how they are in the middle of the battle with the 2 schools... or in the 5th how are they going to divide the gang...

more importantly... i am not sure every table would be willing to pay a "finger" for the information :S

Outside that the beggining ideas about how the chaos develope are ok... but I don't see the players in this situation being able to do nothiung about this... not that they should as pathfinders... but the conclusions sounds as if it was expected from them.

Zombieneighbours wrote:
Until the Clouds Clear

Zombie the history in general is great, i am only unsure if its right for the Verduran Forest or its better for a mroe jungle like place...

also you offer a conclusion IF they escape, but not if they fail... but i suppose that is clear
you mentionAlmas scholars... how many of them?

this is a challenging scenario... and it is both likely to kill PCs as to kill the NPC going with them... its ok... but what if they look or alternatives?

I like it, I ma not sure but I also believes it needs something more clear in some parts.

PS: after reading what someoen commented above (I think Meds)... what if they say nothing about their discovering... ok maybe the scholar tries to brag about it, but what if the serious and suspicious group decide to shut him... or just tell him to wait for Bellis...

more improtantly the PCs would want to roll the DC of the drug... I already see myself in a tight spot when they say:

-"hey when did i roll my fortitude"
-"sorry... well you all botched it..." <- ohh i see them rebelling already :P

Temperate and arctic enviroments have produced cannibels as much as tropical ones, why should deep dark forests in avistan not hold old evils as easily as jungles? As for fortitude tests, one can have the party make a number of rolls at the beginning of the session and make notes of them. That way you can prevent metagaming of things like spot checks and fortitude checks. Its a brilient way of dealing with that kind of issue. If some one manages to stay away, well events playout slightly differently, but frankly, their isn't the space to detail every outcome in the 750 words we have.

Liberty's Edge

Zombieneighbours wrote:
Temperate and arctic enviroments have produced cannibels as much as tropical ones, why should deep dark forests in avistan not hold old evils as easily as jungles? As for fortitude tests, one can have the party make a number of rolls at the beginning of the session and make notes of them. That way you can prevent metagaming of things like spot checks and fortitude checks. Its a brilient way of dealing with that kind of issue. If some one manages to stay away, well events playout slightly differently, but frankly, their isn't the space to detail every outcome in the 750 words we have.

point taken on that

still for some reason it felts (for me) like a a Swamp or a Jungle, not for the canibals, but the kind of site...

and I know there are ways... still not all of them take kindly that kind of metagaming before the game

Liberty's Edge Contributor, RPG Superstar 2012

Elora wrote:

Considering I only had about two hours to write this, I'm not terribly surprised at the rejection notice. I think my biggest problem was that I got stuck in the typical format of five distinct encounters, so the strongest part of my concept - the PCs being hunted through a dark forest - got lost in the milieu. Anyway, it would be nice to hear some feedback :-). I'll try to comment on the other submissions in this thread tomorrow, if my toddler takes a decent nap.

I'm impressed you put this together in only two hours! You're right that it suffered from the short amount of time, but you were very close. My main critique is the number of what Josh refers to as "random encounters" in the scenario (Meds mentioned this too). There's also a little bit of wording to clean up (again Meds beat me to it).

The introduction confused me and I had to read through it a couple of times to understand that Gerildo was the mastermind behind the plot. It could be me being dense. :-)

Hopefully, your toddler will give you more time to work on the next scenario.

Liberty's Edge Contributor, RPG Superstar 2012

Navdi wrote:

Here's mine and Deussu's. Looking through the other rejected proposals I must say we're in good company indeed. I'll comment on them later when I have more time to mull over them. This one's for #23. I suspect the name change might have been a factor in the rejection.

----

The Bard Who Cried Wolf

My first attempt got eaten. Grr.

I enjoyed reading your scenario. You have a great premise and I wish you would have spent more room on the lyncanthropy angle. I can see why you have an encounter where the PCs have to find Stahl and Dirtfoot, but you only end up with two encounters that deal with your premise. The lumber camp events as written could take up most of the allotted time. However, the "log-jousting" idea amused me, because I imagine the characters on horses trying to knock off their opponents with cabers.

I'm also not sure about starting the adventure in Falcon's Hollow, a setting which has been covered extensively in the Pathfinder adventure modules.

The writing could be tightened up some. For example, "However, Stahl didn't kill an ordinary boy but a werewolf." could be written "Stahl killed a werewolf, not an 'innocent boy' the sheriff claims." "sick" should be "sic".

Sorry your submission got rejected, and I hope you keep trying.

Liberty's Edge Contributor, RPG Superstar 2012

Meds wrote:

I hope to review more later, but in the meantime I'd be delighted if anyone would like to critique my effort. And feel free to hit me with both barrels. I deserve it. :-)

The Decline of Glory

I like this scenario. You've got some intrigue mixed with fighting, which is nice. The "features" in the encounter blocks are very evocative.

The introduction confused the heck out me at first. Aducia arrests the rival, which she needs to do in order to divert suspicion, but I'm not sure how she has the power to do that. The sentence "The Society covets those relics," seems out of place with the preceding text.

You have a couple of instances of passive voice and some awkward phrasing: "Instead, the PCs are assaulted by a Pentague gentleman and his cronies," probably should read "Instead, a Pentague gentleman and his cronies assault the PCs."

"The Pentagues have imprisoned her in their vault under suspicion of spying, she claims," would read better as "She claims the Pentagues have imprisoned her in their vault under suspicion of spying."

"The Pentagues springs her ambush" should be "The Pentagues spring her ambush," and I'm confused by "her."

Overall, though, I feel this was a strong entry.

Grand Lodge

EricTheRed wrote:

Sooooooo, I got my rejection.....get yours yet? :)

Yes, unfortunately

EricTheRed wrote:

The Tide of Morning

I like the ideas of the falling-out of thieves and divided hoard, though I think the latter appears in #14 (you couldn't have known that).

High level concerns first:


  • You've spent a lot of narrative on the backstory of Oldat and his gang, who are all dead, and details of the Woodsedge Heist, which have no influence on the adventure apart from its conclusion, but provided few of the salient facts about the adventure location or the monsters.
  • In particular, you mention "the tide of morning" three times but don't tell the editor what it is, what it has to do with spiders, or why Oldat's gang ran afoul of it. I can guess, but there's no reason my guess would correspond to your intent.
  • I would have suggested a shorter Introduction with the structure: paragraph 1 - Oldat, paragraph 2 - the castle, paragraph 3 - the tide of morning.
  • The Fusil section poses no threat or challenge and thus is not an encounter. PFS characters advance on the basis of completing adventures of 5 encounters, thus an encounter should translate to an XP award in standard play.
  • The last two sentences of the Upper Level encounter belong in the Conclusion. Otherwise, the Conclusion is rather weak. You haven't explained why failure would allow an increase of ettercaps - I surmise, again, that this depends on the nature of the "tide of morning".

A few individual things:


  • Are there still people around who call themselves Azlanti (think Atlanteans)? I don't have the Campaign Setting but this seems an extraordinary origin.
  • Does the Pathfinder Society want the party to kill Oldat? I'd like this spelled out.
  • "The deserter .. died almost immediately": Not by the D&D rules, he didn't, unless he was attacked within a minute's run from town or was a wizard whose spell duration just ended, and there wasn't a cleric in the crowd. This is one cliche that falls very flat in a published adventure.
  • Why would reports of bandits provide "compelling evidence" that Oldat was responsible for all of them?
  • Evidence of Taldan involvement in the Woodsedge attack could be expected to cause trouble between faction members. I don't see the necessity for this.

RPG Superstar 2012

Darkjoy wrote:

The muse struck too late, and given the rejection, too light ;>

I think I avoided all of the pitfall as detailed by Joshua, no rappers atleast. Oakden is an existing name, but not terribly out of place in a forest.

This has a nice hook for the Pathfinder Society, as the sundial is something they would definitely like to obtain.

Oakden is a fine name, but I'm not sure about giving your rogues similar first names. :-)

Actually, this does fall into one of Josh's pitfalls, namely the "random encounter" pitfall. The stirges and boars have nothing to do with the scenario.

There are some grammatical issues. A couple of examples follow:

"An ancient druidic artefact used to usher in spring" is a sentence fragment.

This sentence, "Once they arrive in Oakden, the PC’s learn that Kranik has been severely beaten and robbed of his research notes by a couple of local rogues: Erwin Thell and Owin Valk," has passive voice. It could be reworded as "Once the PCs arrive in Oakden, they learn that two local rogues, Erwin Thell and Owin Valk, severely beat Kranik and robbed him of his research notes."

I like the idea of positive energy becoming a threat to the adventurers. I am confused how an undead creature acts as its guardian, but I can be a bit dense. :-)

The only other suggestion I have is to move some of the description of the encounters from the summary to the encounters themselves.

Thanks for letting us review your work. Given that exactly zero of my submissions have been accepted, I'm not sure if I'm all that helpful. :-)

Grand Lodge

taig wrote:

Oh, and here's mine if anyone wants to take a look:

Tide of Morning

This sounds like a lot of fun. I'll be impressed to see the scenario that beat it. I only have a few small comments:


  • The diplomatic solutions to Encounters 1, 2 and 3 could be described more clearly. "savvy party members will be able to discern", "Axton refuses .. Using Diplomacy", "the party has the opportunity to use diplomatic means" are possibly vague or contradictory. Perhaps include specific arguments or approaches that could yield these results.
  • I'm not sure that a druid of the suggested level could create the fog bank described, or why the bee warriors return every day.

Liberty's Edge Contributor, RPG Superstar 2012

Starglim wrote:
taig wrote:

Oh, and here's mine if anyone wants to take a look:

Tide of Morning

This sounds like a lot of fun. I'll be impressed to see the scenario that beat it. I only have a few small comments:


  • The diplomatic solutions to Encounters 1, 2 and 3 could be described more clearly. "savvy party members will be able to discern", "Axton refuses .. Using Diplomacy", "the party has the opportunity to use diplomatic means" are possibly vague or contradictory. Perhaps include specific arguments or approaches that could yield these results.
  • I'm not sure that a druid of the suggested level could create the fog bank described, or why the bee warriors return every day.

Thanks! Given the vast majority of the submissions appear to be for this scenario, I imagine the competition was pretty fierce.

  • Point taken about the vagueness regarding the diplomatic solutions. It's something I would have expanded on in the adventure itself, but I can see how it doesn't look entirely thought through.

  • Uh, the horn of fog that I inconveniently forgot to mention? :-)


  • taig wrote:
    Meds wrote:

    ...The Decline of Glory

    ...The introduction confused the heck out me at first...

    taig, I think you really hit the nail on the head here. Many of your points I didn't see until you pointed them out, but you're right on all counts. Thanks!

    Delivering a confusing introduction means instant death, so I'm going to have to work harder at that particularly next time.

    Thanks for taking the time to critique -- much appreciated!


    Here's my review in return. Thanks again.

    taig wrote:

    Oh, and here's mine if anyone wants to take a look:

    Tide of Morning

    Taig, this is very clearly written.

    The event flow is excellent -- it's a very tight serial adventure, but with plenty of options within each encounter. That's ideal for a convention adventure.
    All the encounters pertain directly to the story. I particularly liked Encounter 2 -- sounds like fun.
    Also, great use of the given elements. This really is a morning tide.

    taig wrote:
    the abduction dealt a blow to the Pathfinder Society, because Frisch had trained some of his bees to act as spies on their behalf

    I like the general idea of insect spies. However, I couldn't quite envisage it as appropriate for the Society (as Montalve also commented IIRC). Both spying and making friendly contact with new races seem more appropriate to a nation state, than to a loose society of vagabonds, sages, and treasure hunters. Maybe that's a failure of imagination on my part.

    You've got 3 encounters with bees, 4 that include vermin (or ex-vermin I guess). I'm not sure if 'not enough monster variety' is an issue for Josh.

    Just the minor nitpicky stuff left:

    taig wrote:
    “king bee”

    Bees are the archetypal matriarchy so this just hit me the wrong way. I guess others might consider a queen bee to be cliched whereas a king cleverly breaks the mold. YMMV.

    taig wrote:

    and was accompanied by a sinister droning sound...

    The king and his warriors were accidentally created...
    who is protected by large centipedes...
    the verminoid bees were created...

    passive voice (though I'm not sure I'd change all of them)

    taig wrote:
    discover the process by which

    a little awkward. Perhaps 'discover how'

    taig wrote:
    Unbeknownst to anyone

    Unbeknownst feels to me like a $20 word where a 10c one ('unknown') does fine. And more importantly, I'm not alone:

    Mr Baur's comment

    taig wrote:
    wand of repel vermin, which he used as a bargaining tool against the king

    I'm not sure that'll work against verminoid creatures because of their type change. Or is the king worried about its effect on his non-intelligent cousins?

    Starglim already mentioned the issue with the mysterious fog.

    Overall, a clearly-written submission with room for a lot of player choice. As you say, competition for PFS #23 must have been fierce.

    RPG Superstar 2013 Top 16

    taig wrote:

    This has a nice hook for the Pathfinder Society, as the sundial is something they would definitely like to obtain.

    Oakden is a fine name, but I'm not sure about giving your rogues similar first names. :-)

    Actually, this does fall into one of Josh's pitfalls, namely the "random encounter" pitfall. The stirges and boars have nothing to do with the scenario.

    I want to disagree with that. I included those 2 encounters to give the adventure that 'wilderness' feeling. They may feel as if they are random, but that was not my intent.

    taig wrote:


    There are some grammatical issues. A couple of examples follow:

    "An ancient druidic artefact used to usher in spring" is a sentence fragment.

    This sentence, "Once they arrive in Oakden, the PC’s learn that Kranik has been severely beaten and robbed of his research notes by a couple of local rogues: Erwin Thell and Owin Valk," has passive voice. It could be reworded as "Once the PCs arrive in Oakden, they learn that two local rogues, Erwin Thell and Owin Valk, severely beat Kranik and robbed him of his research notes."

    I like the idea of positive energy becoming a threat to the adventurers. I am confused how an undead creature acts as its guardian, but I can be a bit dense. :-)

    The only other suggestion I have is to move some of the description of the encounters from the summary to the encounters themselves.

    Thanks for letting us review your work. Given that exactly zero of my submissions have been accepted, I'm not sure if I'm all that helpful. :-)

    Any review helps, given that exactly zero of my submissions have been accepted as well, I just cannot wow editors with my outlines ;>

    I'll take a look at your entry when I am able

    RPG Superstar 2013 Top 16

    taig wrote:

    Oh, and here's mine if anyone wants to take a look:

    Tide of Morning

    Rule #1: Don't break Paizo's world.

    I think you fell right into that pitfall, introducing a complete new (character) race in a pathfinder society module? Not going to happen.

    I was left with a couple of why's as I read your submission. Why does the society need bee's to spy?

    why does the dryad love the king? isn't he an unnatural abomination?

    Why a king instead of a queen?

    why would it be of interest to the society to make friendly contact with a new species?

    But my first concern killed your submission.


    Meds wrote:

    I hope to review more later, but in the meantime I'd be delighted if anyone would like to critique my effort. And feel free to hit me with both barrels. I deserve it. :-)

    The Decline of Glory

    First off, it is a cool idea.

    Now into the meat of criticism I shall stride. To me, the open call was asking for a 'Gangs of New York' style tale about life in a city that is tearing itself to pieces, not an espionage thriller set amongst the squabbles of nobility. As I said, it is a nice idea, but I don't think it is what was being looked for.

    In the Cathedral of Calistria, you describe there being pews. Given the nature of Calistria and her worship, I really do not think she is the pew type. I would suggest either playing to the things that make Calistria cool, or choosing a different god.

    I think the sewer scene damaged your over all story. Any fool can write an adventure where you go around killing stuff in the sewers, but that doesn't make is a 'city adventure', it just makes it an adventure in a city.

    Why use an Ogre in a city adventure? It seems utterly incongruous. The same is true of the spiders. You are good at telling us in detail what the characters will face, but you fail to tell us why they face those things. I would say that much of the nitty-gritty should be left until after you've sold the idea and the imagery.

    Liberty's Edge Contributor, RPG Superstar 2012

    Meds wrote:

    Here's my review in return. Thanks again.

    Thank you in return. I think you hit the #1 problem with my submission: This is not something the Pathfinder Society would be interested in--the "bee spies" as well as first contact with a new species. Considering I've read through quite a few scenarios, I'm annoyed that I tried to give the Society an unrelated mission. There's always next time...

    The king bee was a "calculated risk". I don't know if it made an impact or not, one way or the other, but you're definitely not the only person who pointed it out.

    Thanks again. There are a lot of great scenarios in these threads. I'm sure the chosen authors will have something even more impressive. :-)

    Liberty's Edge Contributor, RPG Superstar 2012

    Darkjoy wrote:
    taig wrote:

    This has a nice hook for the Pathfinder Society, as the sundial is something they would definitely like to obtain.

    Oakden is a fine name, but I'm not sure about giving your rogues similar first names. :-)

    Actually, this does fall into one of Josh's pitfalls, namely the "random encounter" pitfall. The stirges and boars have nothing to do with the scenario.

    I want to disagree with that. I included those 2 encounters to give the adventure that 'wilderness' feeling. They may feel as if they are random, but that was not my intent.

    That could be just my interpretation of what Josh said. If this were a Pathfinder adventure module, I would welcome the stirge and boar encounters, for the exact reason you stated. I thought, for a PFS module, the inclusion of the encounters was incidental to your premise, so you might have been dinged for that. Without Josh making a specific comment, it really is just my opinion.

    RPG Superstar 2012

    Darkjoy wrote:


    Rule #1: Don't break Paizo's world.

    I think you fell right into that pitfall, introducing a complete new (character) race in a pathfinder society module? Not going to happen.

    I was left with a couple of why's as I read your submission. Why does the society need bee's to spy?

    why does the dryad love the king? isn't he an unnatural abomination?

    Why a king instead of a queen?

    why would it be of interest to the society to make friendly contact with a new species?

    But my first concern killed your submission.

    Darkjoy, thank you for your critique.

    I agree that I fell into a pitfall, but not the one you bring up. I don't think a new minor race is going to break Paizo's world. If my submission referred to the new nation of Beedonia and placed in smack in the middle of Andoran, then that would be a problem.

    The more egregious fault, which you point out in your questions, is the scenario having nothing to do with a society interested in treasure seeking. The "bee spies" as written are not applicable to the Society. I had a different idea for the spies, but it was not at all clear. The "first contact" aspect also has nothing to do with the Society. Meds pointed this out earlier, but this is definitely something a nation-state would do, and the Society really couldn't care less.

    At any rate, I learned some of the shortcomings with my scenario, and I appreciate everyone's excellent and constructive input.

    Scarab Sages

    Thanks for your comments, Starglim.

    Starglim wrote:



    • The Fusil section poses no threat or challenge and thus is not an encounter. PFS characters advance on the basis of completing adventures of 5 encounters, thus an encounter should translate to an XP award in standard play.

    The Fusil section is only one of six acts, the following five acts fulfill the encounter requirements.

    Black Waters uses a similar pacing with a pure role playing encounter with no reward for its opening act.

    Also look at this post by Josh encouraging pure RP encounters.

    Starglim wrote:


    A few individual things:

    • Are there still people around who call themselves Azlanti (think Atlanteans)? I don't have the Campaign Setting but this seems an extraordinary origin.

    Yes, they are specifically mentioned in the Campaign Setting, especially their penchant for using no surname.

    Starglim wrote:



    • Does the Pathfinder Society want the party to kill Oldat? I'd like this spelled out.

    I did have it spelled it out in an earlier version by specifically mentioning that his death was not important, but reclaiming the treasures was. I edited that out on that basis.

    Starglim wrote:



    • "The deserter .. died almost immediately": Not by the D&D rules, he didn't, unless he was attacked within a minute's run from town or was a wizard whose spell duration just ended, and there wasn't a cleric in the crowd....

    ...or had weak spider venom antidotes that ran out just minutes before he entered town and there was no cleric within immediate range. I didn't feel the exact details of his death were as important as the sketchy info he provided before dying.

    Lots for me to consider for my next submission. Thanks again!


    Zombieneighbours wrote:
    Meds wrote:
    ...The Decline of Glory
    ...To me, the open call was asking for a 'Gangs of New York' style tale about life in a city that is tearing itself to pieces, not an espionage thriller set amongst the squabbles of nobility.

    Thanks so much for your critique Zombieneighbours. You make some great points I'd totally overlooked. You evidently read my submission in quite some detail -- thanks!


    Meds wrote:
    Zombieneighbours wrote:
    Meds wrote:
    ...The Decline of Glory
    ...To me, the open call was asking for a 'Gangs of New York' style tale about life in a city that is tearing itself to pieces, not an espionage thriller set amongst the squabbles of nobility.
    Thanks so much for your critique Zombieneighbours. You make some great points I'd totally overlooked. You evidently read my submission in quite some detail -- thanks!

    My pleasure, if you have time, i would love to get some more feedback on my version of The Decline of Glory.

    Sovereign Court

    Meds wrote:
    Some great elements here.

    Thanks for the encouragement and the critique! I appreciate both.

    Meds wrote:
    Encounters 2, 3, and 4 felt too random to me, and not tied into the main plot.

    taig mentioned this as well. And, while this is also what I meant by "losing my concept in the milieu", I don't entirely agree. Each encounter, while not tied directly to the main plot, at least makes sense. The PCs are in the untamed woods, being hunted at night, and they've been given a map by someone who wishes them ill. The map is supposed to lead them into danger. The core concept here is the chase, and the encounters were meant to heighten the suspense by serving as obstacles to slow the PCs down.

    That said, I think you're right that tying the encounters more closely to Gerildo's schemes would have made the proposal better. My original intention with the hag was to provide some history about Gerildo, as she was aware of him and his family's background. I don't know how her purpose got derailed - she was going to be more of an RP opportunity, but I guess I got nervous about how that would be received.

    Meds wrote:

    I'm concerned there's enough foreshadowing early on that some more experienced (aka jaded) players might derail the adventure by not following Gerildo's plans. E.g. clues:

    - the mastiff's delay that PCs may notice in encounter one
    - PCs may knock open the lead-lined case and find the book missing
    - being introduced to the mastiffs early on is like showing a loaded gun

    I understand your concern here. The complete adventure would have addressed the points you brought up.

    Briefly:
    -Gerildo is a sly, competent liar. He would have several answers, as well as a scapegoat, ready if the PCs questioned the mastiff's delay.
    -This is exactly what I'm hoping they would do, to confirm the betrayal. You are right that if they did so before they knew they were being hunted, it could pose a problem. Tightening up the timeline (as you suggested) would help.
    -I felt like I needed to make it VERY obvious that the PCs didn't want to mess with the shadow mastiffs at night. I didn't want them to be tempted to make a stand and fight before dawn.

    Meds wrote:
    The rest I have to comment on is just nitpicky stuff...

    The necropolis of Nogortha is mentioned in the Pathfinder Campaign Setting. I referred to it primarily to show I was familiar with the setting. Now I can see how my reference would be confusing out of context...oops!

    You're dead on about the timeline. Now that I think about it, I should have shortened everything up. PCs arrive, dusk falls, bandits attack, Gerildo freaks out, PCs sent off with map and "treasure", hunt begins, can they survive until dawn? I wish I had thought that through before submitting.

    Thanks again for the insightful comments!!

    Sovereign Court

    taig wrote:

    I'm impressed you put this together in only two hours! You're right that it suffered from the short amount of time, but you were very close. My main critique is the number of what Josh refers to as "random encounters" in the scenario (Meds mentioned this too). There's also a little bit of wording to clean up (again Meds beat me to it).

    The introduction confused me and I had to read through it a couple of times to understand that Gerildo was the mastermind behind the plot. It could be me being dense. :-)

    Hopefully, your toddler will give you more time to work on the next scenario.

    Thanks!! In all fairness, I knew for a few days that I wanted to do something with being hunted through the woods by a dark menace. I thought I was going to have to design a new kind of hound that would lose its power with the dawn, so I was thrilled at discovering shadow mastiffs in the d20srd. (Yes, I'm a DM and I do NOT have the Monster Manual memorized...in fact, my copy is missing...grrr).

    I knew my wording wasn't going to be perfect. I figured "done and imperfect" would be better than not even giving it a shot. Also, the gaming session my players talk about the most was one I came up with completely on the fly when we were all camping, so I hoped some of the spontaneous magic would come through for me again...lol.

    Oh well, hopefully next time I'll nail it! Thanks again for the kind comments. :-)


    Zombieneighbours wrote:
    ...My pleasure, if you have time, i would love to get some more feedback on my version of The Decline of Glory.
    Zombieneighbours wrote:
    The Decline of Glory

    My 2cp:

    I liked the backdrop you described in your first paragraph. The idea of a society honing itself through conflict caught my imagination. The storyline that cuts through it is a good one, and all of your encounters pertain directly to the hook. Arguably encounter 3 is an exception, but it quickly becomes part of the storyline again when Katallin tries to escape.

    You cater to a lot of different play styles, and this could run very differently depending on the group. That's great. There's a lot more room for player choice in this scenario than in your other submission.

    The individual encounters are again imaginative and fun. This was a real strength of both your submissions I thought.

    Like taig, I wanted to know more, particularly about the last two encounters. Is Act 4 actually several minor encounters, or just a handful of skill checks? What happens if the PCs fail? How are you going to ensure that all the players get involved in the climactic encounter? If I'm reading you correctly, you're doing some fairly ambitious stuff here with encounter 5, and I think you need to do more to demonstrate that you've thought through the issues, within the constraints imposed by a 4-hour scenario.

    Zombieneighbours wrote:
    For the price of a finger,

    Nice flavor, but I suspect you need to expand on that if you're going to mention it. (Side note: while D&D has mechanics for regenerating body parts, it oddly doesn't have mechanics for losing them.)

    Zombieneighbours wrote:
    Drawn into the fracas by their factional ties, the PCs...

    You might need to state why/that this can't become PvP.

    Zombieneighbours wrote:
    Can the family rift between Katallin and Leianna be healed or will Maheto's blood-stained streets decline further from glory...

    I was hoping to hear exactly what the PCs' consequences of success and failure were. I suspect the place for tantalizing, flavorful hints is in the intro, and the conclusion is not the place to be holding back information from the editors. I could be way off base though.

    Zombieneighbours wrote:
    The bard and his bird.

    Personally, I'm not a fan of the encounter subtitles. I don't think this one works so well in U.S. English (although the omniscient editors probably got it anyway). Love the encounter itself though.

    On to the (even more) niggly stuff:

    Zombieneighbours wrote:
    All are driven

    passive (though not sure this one needs fixing)

    Zombieneighbours wrote:

    political teachings of the philosopher Marcus Septimus whose teachings have taken root here. His vogue teachings...

    The PCs set out to find Katallin Zalvalakti amongst the crowds of the smoke using their keen senses and glib tongues to find clues as to his whereabouts

    teachings...teachings...teachings

    to find...to find

    Zombieneighbours wrote:
    His vogue teachings that steel sharpens steel and that conflict breeds excellence blended well with the Taldorian mindset to create a situation where the rule of law no longer holds sway and the only rule is do what though will to be excellent and succeed.
    Zombieneighbours wrote:
    he is no longer able to get it for them himself, due to having had a falling out with...
    Zombieneighbours wrote:
    subdued the battle

    these read awkwardly to me

    Zombieneighbours wrote:


    districts violence
    his cousins operation
    PC's must persuade Katallin

    missing or misplaced apostrophes

    Zombieneighbours wrote:

    On route

    quary
    Sczanri
    theie
    whereabouts..
    do what though will

    En route

    quarry
    Sczarni
    their
    whereabouts.
    do what thou will

    Zombieneighbours wrote:
    Marcus Septimus

    The Roman-style name felt a little out of place to me, though maybe that's just a culture of Golarion I haven't read up on yet. There are a lot of proper names in your submission, and, like taig, I got a little lost who was who on a first reading.

    It's in Maheto, yet there's not much dwarven stuff. The macguffin has a dwarf tie-in, and you hint at dwarf-on-dwarf action in the intro but I didn't catch anything the PCs would experience.

    Finally, are all the potential adversaries human? Humanoid?

    Overall, another really solid submission. I preferred the adventure here to your other scenario, although I think the writing sparkled a little more in the other.


    Meds wrote:
    Zombieneighbours wrote:
    ...My pleasure, if you have time, i would love to get some more feedback on my version of The Decline of Glory.
    Zombieneighbours wrote:
    The Decline of Glory

    My 2cp:

    I liked the backdrop you described in your first paragraph. The idea of a society honing itself through conflict caught my imagination. The storyline that cuts through it is a good one, and all of your encounters pertain directly to the hook. Arguably encounter 3 is an exception, but it quickly becomes part of the storyline again when Katallin tries to escape.

    I am glad you like the setting and the flow of the story, I was trying to capture the feel that Gangs of New York and Rome invoked, cities on the edge of true chaos.

    Meds wrote:


    You cater to a lot of different play styles, and this could run very differently depending on the group. That's great. There's a lot more room for player choice in this scenario than in your other submission.

    Well the two settings allow for different things. Wilderness is in truth and very empty place. In many ways you have to provide a strong linear plot in such an environment because without it any sense of narrative is lost. Where as city adventures allow more freedom simply because their is realistically more to do and a far wider realistic range of solutions to any issue that a character might encounter.

    It also comes down to type of story. Horror adventures often work best by putting PCs, on the defensive and out side of their comfort zone. Two of the best way achieve this are the Malign Paradigm shift and the removal of control, by having events over take them. The latter does narrow the level of freedom.

    One the other hand, character driven stories tent build around organisations and people tend to require a much more open story lest they feel entirely rail roaded. So at the end of the day it was only this way because neither story would have worked the other way around.

    Meds wrote:

    The individual encounters are again imaginative and fun. This was a real strength of both your submissions I thought.

    Thanks.

    Meds wrote:


    Like taig, I wanted to know more, particularly about the last two encounters. Is Act 4 actually several minor encounters, or just a handful of skill checks? What happens if the PCs fail? How are you going to ensure that all the players get involved in the climactic encounter? If I'm reading you correctly, you're doing some fairly ambitious stuff here with encounter 5, and I think you need to do more to demonstrate that you've thought through the issues, within the constraints imposed by a 4-hour scenario.

    Act four was effectively going to be built in a similar way to an 4E skills challenge, unfortunately we don't have 3.5 or 3.P nomenclature to express that in one or two word. Since word count is limited I make a stylistic choice to discuss the Story rather than mechanics, because that is where my strengths are.

    As for how I would ensure that every one gets involved with the final scene; I am assuming you mean rather that allow a single diplomacyier to dominate the scene. First of all I can't force any single player to involve them self in social skills. However, I see nothing wrong with making things tougher for a party they do not have a range of skills. For example in Scene 5: PC might be using magic or handle animal to keep the gangs war dogs passive or submissive, Another PC might be using body language to distract the gang leader's closest advisor, Number three might be controlling one of the officers with charm and prompting him to drive the discussion in the players direction. Another might be at the window with a crossbow, ready to snipe the gang leader should things go bad and the last two are ganging up on the leader to get the result they want. Or the whole group can risk a very dangerous fight. Failier results on increasingly difficult fights, depending on how badly they fail.

    Meds wrote:


    Zombieneighbours wrote:
    For the price of a finger,
    Nice flavor, but I suspect you need to expand on that if you're going to mention it. (Side note: while D&D has mechanics for regenerating body parts, it oddly doesn't have mechanics for losing them.)

    People can function fairly well with the loss of a pinky so in an abstract system like D20 I don't think it needs a mechanical effect. The finger loss was ment as a lure, something that would be seen as interesting and get the reader wanting to know more. It is what it says on the tin, the price she is asking is one of the party's fingers. They much choose if to pay or not. There are other ways of getting the infomation, such as beating it out of her, but there wasn't space to spell that out.

    Meds wrote:


    Zombieneighbours wrote:
    Drawn into the fracas by their factional ties, the PCs...
    You might need to state why/that this can't become PvP.

    I had such trouble phrasing that. It should have said something like 'the PCs are drawn in as Andoran and Taldoran PCs move to help a man they believe is working for their masters.' The expanded scene should not cause PVP.

    Meds wrote:


    Zombieneighbours wrote:
    Can the family rift between Katallin and Leianna be healed or will Maheto's blood-stained streets decline further from glory...
    I was hoping to hear exactly what the...

    Yeah i know it sucks, but just ran out of room. I probably need to learn to write 'shorter, faster harder, less' as per Wolfgang Baurs advice, but well detailed imagery fascinates me. I hate to loose it. In fact, lose of that kind of Imagery stops my stories making sense in my own head.

    With regards to antagonists:
    With the exceptions of some war dogs in the final scene ever single antagonist in the entire piece is not only humanoid but also actually human.

    Dwarves:
    I choose Maheto not for its dwarven population but because of the metalworking and blacksmithing. The imagery i had in mind was very much of almost Victorian smokestacks and streets ringing with the sound of metal being beaten. I did have in mind a scene in which the PCs had to fight the sczarni's criminal adversary, a dwarf crime lord with a nasty pack of fighting dogs. But he feel out of it due to constraints. Their are undoubtly dwarf about, but they don't feature in the story, because it isn't a story about dwarf per say. That said, i have just have an idea about how so reweave that element.

    Lastly, I am writing both up slowly but surely for my home game. Would any of you be interested in seeing them when they are finished?

    RPG Superstar 2012

    Zombieneighbours wrote:


    Lastly, I am writing both up slowly but surely for my home game. Would any of you be interested in seeing them when they are finished?

    That sounds great to me. Sign me up.

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