My first proposal fell short


Society Scenario Submissions

Liberty's Edge Contributor, RPG Superstar 2012

If anybody has time, I would appreciate a critique of my proposal for PFS 21. This was my first attempt at a submission, and I'm sure I have a lot to learn.

I will reciprocate as well as I can. Hopefully I can provide some useful feedback.

Spoiler:
Written in Stone

Introduction: 700 years ago, an arch-mage known as the Sandstone Lady created a dozen obelisks. They traveled the world, cataloging geography and significant events. After five decades, the Sandstone Lady recalled her creations. The ten closest returned, and she began to study their findings. Before she had the chance to complete her study, an adventuring party raided her castle high in the Zho Mountains and destroyed her. The castle and everything it contained crumbled to dust. The two constructs, still abroad, established contact with each other and decided to go dormant until a new master could awaken them.

A medusa pursuing the power of the Sandstone Lady discovered the method to contact the obelisks and called them to her. Eager to share its ancient information, the first obelisk reached its new master. She bonded with the obelisk, and it ceased communicating with its companion. Its companion, confused by the cessation of communication, wandered into Kadaq in the foothills of the Zho Mountains, and planted itself in the center of town. At the obelisk’s base, in Qadiran, the following message etches itself over and over: “Where is the Linnorm Spire?”

Summary: The PCs are summoned to investigate the obelisk’s origins (it identifies itself as the Iobarian Spire), move it from the populated area, and discover the meaning of its cryptic question. After subduing the obelisk and its summoned dust mephits, the party obtains the last known location of the Linnorm Spire. On the way there, the PCs must deal with an ancient but still deadly trap left by the original Sandstone Lady, then a group of strangely transformed mountain lions. The PCs enter a small village inhabited by similarly transformed people who attack the party on sight. Upon removing the villagers’ curse or dispatching them, the PCs travel to the lair of the newly self-styled Sandstone Lady. Breaking the medusa’s hold over the Linnorm Spire, and in conjunction with its companion, the party will help the Pathfinder Society obtain a valuable source of historical information.

Encounter 1 “On Rocky Ground”: The Iobarian Spire sees the PCs as a threat and creates a group of dust mephits from its own body. After defeating the mephits, the PCs can either attack the obelisk (same statistics as a Large animated object) or attempt diplomacy. Either way, the obelisk will give the party directions to its companion. Depending on the PCs’ treatment of the creature, it will accompany them or wait outside of town.

Encounter 2 “The Buried Past”: Halfway up the mountain path to the Linnorm Spire’s location, the party encounters a pit trap. After triggering the trap, an overhanging shelf of sandstone disintegrates and empties into the pit, potentially suffocating anyone stuck there.

Encounter 3 “Stone Lions”: A pride of mountain lions became the first victims of the new Sandstone Lady’s burgeoning powers. They have been partially petrified and become her thralls, and they guard the path to the medusa’s lair. The mountain lions use a leopard’s statistics and have stoneskin applied. If the stoneskin is removed, or once the spell prevents 70 hit points, the mountain lions revert to normal and are no longer under the Lady’s control.

Encounter 4 “Village in Dust”: Experts at various levels populate this village. Like the mountain lions, the enthralled inhabitants have a stoneskin effect applied and will revert to normal if it is removed. However, the medusa converted two villagers to stone creatures (apply the statistics of a Medium earth elemental), and they cannot be saved. Whether the party wipes out the village or spares some of the villagers, they find clues to continue on to the Sandstone Lady’s lair.

Encounter 5 “The Sandstone Lady”: The medusa will attempt to petrify the PCs, rather than enthrall them. She benefits from a stoneskin effect at 100 hit points. Additionally, she can create a number of dust mephits to help her in battle. When the Sandstone Lady is defeated, her hold over the Linnorm Spire breaks.

Conclusion: If the PCs are successful, they will add valuable information to the Pathfinder Society’s historical archives. The obelisks also hold the original Sandstone Lady’s secrets. Deciphering the script on each obelisk will take several years. If the party suffers defeat, the Sandstone Lady becomes a local threat by expanding her control into other outlying villages.

Liberty's Edge

The scenario as such is rather good and interesting IMO, but its introduction clearly uses the same plot device as the current Ultimatum story arc from Marvel. Maybe that is the reason why.

Also, it seems to me that the PCs have to travel a long distance between the 2 locales, which might be hard to fit in a 4-hour session.

Liberty's Edge Contributor, RPG Superstar 2012

The black raven wrote:

The scenario as such is rather good and interesting IMO, but its introduction clearly uses the same plot device as the current Ultimatum story arc from Marvel. Maybe that is the reason why.

Also, it seems to me that the PCs have to travel a long distance between the 2 locales, which might be hard to fit in a 4-hour session.

Thanks for the input!

I have pretty much dropped the Ultimate line (except Ultimate Spider-Man) from my comic book list, so I had no idea that I was copying the Ultimatum story arc. That's pretty freaky, though.

Grand Lodge

I'm also a first-time candidate and my knowledge of the setting and capacity for positive feedback may not be all it should be. For what it's worth:

Spoiler:
It's good to see a mission that contributes to the society's goal of seeking knowledge and investigating ancient wonders.

I was very surprised at the outset to read about obelisks travelling the world, making decisions, talking to each other and feeling emotions such as eagerness or confusion. For all I know, this is a well-established fact in Golarion, but even in that case you may have gone overboard on personifying them and giving them powers such as spawning dust mephits. This is also a lot of backstory that I'm not sure the players will ever discover.

The name Sandstone Lady sounds unintentionally silly.

I'm not sure how the PCs are supposed to move or subdue an obelisk - they would definitely need special equipment. OK, I'll try to take the travelling obelisks as given from there on.

Linnorms and Iobarians are both creatures of the far north, IIRC. I assume there was some backstory for this. The former, particularly, will get players' attention in the middle of Qadira.

I suspect numerous Qadiran proposals may involve dust mephits (ours did).

It seems incongruous for an ancient archmage to set a pit trap somewhere in the wilderness and for it to just happen to be in the right place to catch this party of adventurers. Has no-one gone up this path in 700 years? Perhaps it would make more sense for the medusa's village full of experts to set this trap, since the stone lions make it clear that she has this path under guard. The collapsing shelf sounds utterly deadly as you've written it and it's not clear to me whether it's part of the trap's construction or just falls coincidentally.

Medusas aren't particularly known for enthralling people or summoning dust mephits (and there shouldn't be two creatures in the scenario that do this). Did you intend her to be a sorcerer or something similar, or perhaps a variant creature with the added stoneskin power that plays such a prominent role? I'd say it's essential that you present that information and show that the solution that you intended works under the rules. You could have found the word count to do it by dropping the encounter titles, which don't contribute much.

Scarab Sages RPG Superstar 2009 Top 4

taig, I enjoyed reading your piece. Here's some feedback for you.

taig wrote:
Encounter 1 “On Rocky Ground”: The Iobarian Spire sees the PCs as a threat and creates a group of dust mephits from its own body. After defeating the mephits, the PCs can either attack the obelisk (same statistics as a Large animated object) or attempt diplomacy. Either way, the obelisk will give the party directions to its companion. Depending on the PCs’ treatment of the creature, it will accompany them or wait outside of town.

- The initial encounter is inconsistent with the premise you have laid out. You have this construct that has lost contact with its buddy. It wanders into a civilized area looking for... what, exactly? Help? Information? is this the last place its buddy was seen? But then it can somehow point the PC's to where its friend is located?

taig wrote:
Encounter 2 “The Buried Past”: Halfway up the mountain path to the Linnorm Spire’s location, the party encounters a pit trap. After triggering the trap, an overhanging shelf of sandstone disintegrates and empties into the pit, potentially suffocating anyone stuck there.

- This pit trap is ~700 years old and has not been triggered? Is the Linnorm Spire even up here? Does it allow contact with the true enemy (the medusa?) What is the purpose of finding the Linnorm Spire anyway? What can the PC's do once both of them are reunited?

taig wrote:

Encounter 3 “Stone Lions”: A pride of mountain lions became the first victims of the new Sandstone Lady’s burgeoning powers. They have been partially petrified and become her thralls, and they guard the path to the medusa’s lair. The mountain lions use a leopard’s statistics and have stoneskin applied. If the stoneskin is removed, or once the spell prevents 70 hit points, the mountain lions revert to normal and are no longer under the Lady’s control.

Encounter 4 “Village in Dust”: Experts at various levels populate this village. Like the mountain lions, the enthralled inhabitants have a stoneskin effect applied and will revert to normal if it is removed. However, the medusa converted two villagers to stone creatures (apply the statistics of a Medium earth elemental), and they cannot be saved. Whether the party wipes out the village or spares some of the villagers, they find clues to continue on to the Sandstone Lady’s lair.

- How exactly are these creatures enthralled? Is the medusa special in some way? Is she a sorcerer? Can she see through their eyes or communicate with them in any way? Is this village on the map anywhere, or just a previously-unknown settlement?

taig wrote:

Encounter 5 “The Sandstone Lady”: The medusa will attempt to petrify the PCs, rather than enthrall them. She benefits from a stoneskin effect at 100 hit points. Additionally, she can create a number of dust mephits to help her in battle. When the Sandstone Lady is defeated, her hold over the Linnorm Spire breaks.

Conclusion: If the PCs are successful, they will add valuable information to the Pathfinder Society’s historical archives. The obelisks also hold the original Sandstone Lady’s secrets. Deciphering the script on each obelisk will take several years. If the party suffers defeat, the Sandstone Lady becomes a local threat by expanding her control into other outlying villages.

- Overall Impressions: You start with a really cool premise. Constructs that go from place to place observing stuff, recording information, and bringing it all back to their master. Okay, they can also summon Dust Mephits. Maybe these dust mephits are like specialized "prying eyes" spells with greater mobility than the construct itself. There are only two of these constructs left, full of observations through the ages. You bet the Pathfinders would be interested in one of those. Plus, you add a human face to them... one of them has lost contact with its "friend." That's a very good hook.

But the pacing and encounters are uneven. You don't really want the PC's to come to blows with this thing, but you lay that out in the first encounter as a very real possibility. If it's hostile and they destroy it, is the scenario over? Does it assist in combat if it accompanies the PC's? Does it share its observations? Does the Linnorm Spire also seek out its companion?

You have mountain lions and villagers slowly turning to stone creatures, but WHY? is this also the medusa's doing? How is she achieving such a feat? How does she "bond" with one of these constructs? She's wearing the mantle of "evil overlord" but it is unclear how this works, mechanically.

Best of luck in future proposals.

-eric

Sovereign Court

Thanks again for your comments on my submission, taig!

As a side note, it's good to see so many first-timers giving it a decent shot - and helping each other out!

Here's my comments on your proposal:

Spoiler:
taig wrote:
Written in Stone

I like the alternate title! Catchy and does a good job of capturing what your unusual obelisks do.

taig wrote:
Introduction:

The first half of your introduction is interesting to read, but spending that much space on the history of an arch-mage not directly relevant to the PCs may not be the best design choice. (I hated cutting backstory from my submission as well. In retrospect, I probably should have disregarded my own advice and left some more in to explain Raniyah...lol).

I like your bold take on the obelisks - their history and their purpose are very creative. I do have a hard time, however, picturing mobile obelisks. I think I would have taken this spark of an idea and instead had the obelisks be a repository of gathered information - like the Sandstone lady created one for each region of interest, and it sent out "probes" of some kind that would later return and store the new knowledge safely in the obelisk. But that's probably getting a little too close to sci-fi territory, and wouldn't fit in as well with the rest of your plot. So forgive me for rambling. I just think it's a really interesting idea and can't help myself. :-)

taig wrote:
Summary

You have a good "Pathfinder-esque" hook going on here. Something this strange would definitely draw their attention. I also really like the fact that the potential reward sticks closely to the Pathfinder mission.

At first glance, I'm concerned about a long voyage in a 4-hr time slot, but Murder on the Silken Caravan managed it just fine so it's not a huge concern.

I'm very interested in what "strangely transformed" means, and look forward to finding out.

taig wrote:
Encounter 1 “On Rocky Ground”: The Iobarian Spire sees the PCs as a threat and creates a group of dust mephits from its own body. After defeating the mephits, the PCs can either attack the obelisk (same statistics as a Large animated object) or attempt diplomacy. Either way, the obelisk will give the party directions to its companion. Depending on the PCs’ treatment of the creature, it will accompany them or wait outside of town.

I like this encounter. I hear a rumor that mephits are over-used, but I don't see them much. The visual of a sandstone obelisk "spawning" dust mephits to defend itself is cool and makes sense to me. Also, kudos on choosing an existing and reasonable mechanic for the obelisk, and for explicitly giving a diplomacy option.

My nitpicky concern here: why does the obelisk automatically see the PCs as a threat? But I'm willing to gloss over this and assume you can explain if given more room to do so.

taig wrote:
Encounter 2 “The Buried Past”: Halfway up the mountain path to the Linnorm Spire’s location, the party encounters a pit trap. After triggering the trap, an overhanging shelf of sandstone disintegrates and empties into the pit, potentially suffocating anyone stuck there.

Okay, I like the design of your trap. It sticks with the theme so far and is different enough from a standard pit trap to be interesting. But the logic for the trap's existence is weak, since the obelisks are so mobile. Unless the obelisks have a "home" location or something, which is protected from intruders? I have a little bit of trouble buying this as written.

taig wrote:
Encounter 3 “Stone Lions”: A pride of mountain lions became the first victims of the new Sandstone Lady’s burgeoning powers. They have been partially petrified and become her thralls, and they guard the path to the medusa’s lair. The mountain lions use a leopard’s statistics and have stoneskin applied. If the stoneskin is removed, or once the spell prevents 70 hit points, the mountain lions revert to normal and are no longer under the Lady’s control.

I may not see the HOW, but I like this encounter. It is tightly designed to your theme and the twist you introduce makes me want to throw some stone kitties at my players. Also, you show me again that you can think through the mechanics and come up with a smooth execution of your concept.

taig wrote:
Encounter 4 “Village in Dust”: Experts at various levels populate this village. Like the mountain lions, the enthralled inhabitants have a stoneskin effect applied and will revert to normal if it is removed. However, the medusa converted two villagers to stone creatures (apply the statistics of a Medium earth elemental), and they cannot be saved. Whether the party wipes out the village or spares some of the villagers, they find clues to continue on to the Sandstone Lady’s lair.

This is the weakest encounter so far. It's neat that the mountain lions foreshadowed the village, and converted villagers make a cool twist on earth elementals. But I don't see why the party would be forced into direct conflict with the villagers. Again, the HOW question arises, but it still doesn't bother me that much because of the mechanical design chops you've demonstrated so far. The bigger problem here is the WHY.

taig wrote:
Encounter 5 “The Sandstone Lady”: The medusa will attempt to petrify the PCs, rather than enthrall them. She benefits from a stoneskin effect at 100 hit points. Additionally, she can create a number of dust mephits to help her in battle. When the Sandstone Lady is defeated, her hold over the Linnorm Spire breaks.

A teensy bit on the bland side, but it seems like medusa combat is tough to make interesting in a restricted amount of space. Adding in some challenging or unusual terrain here might have spiced the encounter up a bit, but that's just a random suggestion. Again, nice job with including just enough "crunch" to satisfy.

Overall, your encounters were very well written. The pacing was excellent and it was very easy to figure out what was going on.

taig wrote:
Conclusion: If the PCs are successful, they will add valuable information to the Pathfinder Society’s historical archives. The obelisks also hold the original Sandstone Lady’s secrets. Deciphering the script on each obelisk will take several years. If the party suffers defeat, the Sandstone Lady becomes a local threat by expanding her control into other outlying villages.

The only critique I have for this section is that "the original Sandstone Lady's secrets" is pretty vague, so I don't have a clear idea of what that means.

I hope that was helpful! Keep writing, and best of luck in your next submission. I have a strong suspicion we'll be seeing your name on a cover before long.

RPG Superstar 2012

Thank you all very much for the excellent critiques! I can see that I need to work on some of the internal logic in my scenarios. The trap should have received more thought than "I would like to put a trap in the way for the PCs". I definitely need to think about things like why no one has tripped it in all the time it's been sitting there.

This will definitely help me develop a stronger proposal next time (deadline is next week!).

Thanks again!

Dark Archive

taig wrote:


If anybody has time, I would appreciate a critique of my proposal for PFS 21. This was my first attempt at a submission, and I'm sure I have a lot to learn.

Hey there. Feedback below. Some neat ideas. The use of the obelisks was definitely unique. A clean straightforward and well presented read. I know some of my comments echo others but here goes:

Spoiler:

-Sandstone Lady not a bad name but could be more stirring. The write-up provides too little info on this character and what she did.

-The obelisks as probes. I kind of like it but it might just be too weird. For some reason I have a mental picture of them spinning quickly as they fly over desert dunes and making noises like an imperial probe.

-That said a font of ancient lost lore is always a good hook. I might have gone further with that concept as it seems that the obelisks become simply weapons in the hand of the medusa.

-Names of the Obelisks (places they were sent to I assume?)

-How do these things move? Fly? Teleport? Crawl?

Encounter 1

-Dust mephitis seem unnecessary/tacked on. An encounter communicating with an obelisk is almost enough really. Perhaps a riddle or some other enigma to test the party (to see if their worthy to communicate with).

-If the Iobarian knows where the Linnorm is why is it asking that question?

Encounter 2

-not a very exciting trap. Something a little more elaborate. Or a series of challenges (for some reason I’m thinking Indiana Jones Last Crusade the three tests)
-trap needs more detail mechanically (or at least a CR)
Encounter 3

-not sure why lions are using leopard stats.

Encounter 4 +5

-I assume the medusa’s powers are a result of her tampering with the obelisk but this is not really fleshed out. Beggars the question what does the obelisk do? I thought it was a repository of knowledge or is it a weapon? For the purposes of the scenario I would pick one of the two and provide as much detail.

-The confrontation with the medusa happens where? In the town? Needs more info. What type of medusa? (class levels, templates etc.) A name and a character is really needed as she is supposed to be the big villain in this piece.

Community / Forums / Archive / Pathfinder / Pathfinder Society Scenario Submissions / My first proposal fell short All Messageboards

Want to post a reply? Sign in.
Recent threads in Pathfinder Society Scenario Submissions