I heard a joke about pizza the other day. I won’t share it here because it’s too cheesy.
Bravo, sir. Bravo.
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Why are peppers good at archery?
Because they habanero.
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What do you call a porcupine with no quills?
Pointless.
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Q. What do you call the noise made by a bunch of rowdy holy warriors?
A. A Pala-din.
Q. What do you call the noise made by a bunch of rowdy holy warriors?
A. A Pala-din.
Bravo, sir. Bravo.
How do Vikings deal with red, itchy eyes?
Tyr drops!
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It's M.C. Escher's birthday today! The jokes write themselves...
How do you communicate with the spirits of Scandinavian people?
You use a Nor-Oujia Board!
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And all Danes and Swedes are insulted at 'Scandinavian' being equated with 'Norwegian'. And all Norwegians are insulted for the same reason. And Finns are insulted at being considered part of Scandinavia in the first place.
[tangent] Always compliment Australians on how their English is really good, and ask them about Arnold Schwarzenegger, as if you've mistaken them for Austrians. [/tangent]
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And if you meet a Austrian, always try to talk about kangaroos.
Y'all are the wind beneath my chaos-beating wings.
So there’s a quest in Skyrim where you extort money from someone by threatening to drop a statue of her goddess down the well. Luckily she doesn’t realize it’s an idol threat.
My couch is haunted. That's right: I've got an upholsterygeist.
Why did King Tut go see a Freudian analyst?
He had mummy issues.
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The worst part about the Bronze Age was everybody came in third.
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I just learned that my friend fell down a well.
It turns out he couldn't see that well.
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Cinderella went out for the soccer team. She didn’t make the cut, because she ran away from the ball.
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A man assaulted me with milk today.
How dairy.
GAH!
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A man assaulted me with milk today.
How dairy.
A smooth cream-in-all.
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If you make a dad joke but you're not a dad, that's a faux pa.
'Can you tell me what nationality Napoleon was (by birth)?'
'Corsican'
I don't know why this popped into my head today, but this one is actually a story related by a former coworker of mine rather than a joke.
A guy I used to work with doing trail maintenance accidentally sliced the top of his finger open with a saw on a job site, and had to go to the hospital. While in the ER, he asked the doctor, "Will I be able to play guitar?" to which the doctor replied, "Well, that depends--could you play guitar before?"
The man who invented the motor boat died the other day. There was a wake.
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Why was the vulture kicked off the plane?
He had too many carrion bags.
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What is your most reliable body part?
Your fingers. Because you can count on them.
A smooth cream-in-all.A man assaulted me with milk today.
How dairy.
Dondon- Don Dondon- Dondon- Dondon-
What do you call a witch's cow?
A famooliar!
Did you hear about the guy who mixed a dog with a tree?
do you know how they did ancient pictures?
What starts with E, ends with E, and has only one letter in it?