I'm writing a story right now, and I have a character in it whose wife has just asked him for a divorce. Although I've had no problem understanding this character up to this point, I find I'm having difficulty getting into his head space now that the moment has finally arrived. Unfortunately, I don't know very many people my age who have gone through divorce, and the ones who have, I don't know very well, so I feel uncomfortable asking them about it.
That's why I'm turning to the boards. I figure there are at least a few of you who have been through divorce, and I'm hoping I can get your perspectives on it. Here are some questions I'm trying to grapple with right now.
What was your first thought after the divorce? Were you upset with yourself? Were you angry at your spouse? Did you fret about finances? Did you wonder about the future? Right now, I feel like my character is just surprised that life goes on. For example, he hears kids playing out in the street and he reflects on the incongruity of such joy contrasted against his own misery. At the same time, though, I'm having difficulty trying to figure out what happens next.
What was the first thing you did afterward? I feel like my character would call his buddy and want to get out of the house. However, I don't know what they do once they get out of the house. For example, what do they talk about? Personally, I'd just want to sit on my buddy's couch and talk for hours (it's what I do now when I get into an argument with my wife). However, my character who is going through the divorce also has a six month old kid, and kids typically don't sit still for long. Maybe they could go for a walk, or something. Hmm...
How did you and your spouse deal with the interim period between one or both of you moving out? How did you handle things like showers, meals, and TV? Personally, I can't imagine my character would want to spend much time with his wife after she told him she wants a divorce. However, when you share the same refrigerator with someone, it's hard to maintain your physical and/or emotional distance. That, to me, is probably the most confusing thing. How do these two characters interact with one another now that they're no longer a couple, but still living under the same roof?
Any thoughts that you're willing to share about these questions, or any personal stories you might want to share about your own experiences, would be a great help. Thanks.
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The only downside to my divorce was that I wasn't able to see my kids. As far as me and the ex were concerned, things had been shitty for a decent amount of time and frankly, i was glad to see her go. I had married young, so I took the opportunity to do all of the irresponsible things I didn't do before i got married (well I picked up where I left off anyway). It was nice and all, but I came to realize that, while i hated my ex, i liked the idea of marriage (or at least cohabitation) in general.
So basically I spent alot of time drinking and alot of time playing the field. If I had had my kids with me things would have been very different though.
So basically I spent alot of time drinking and alot of time playing the field. If I had had my kids with me things would have been very different though.
Yeah, but that wasn't right after, right? It wasn't like:
Wife: I want a divorce.
You: Woo hoo! I'm going out, getting drunk, and sleeping with the first girl I meet.
What I'm really looking for is what happens right after. What happens in those tumultuous, chaotic, turbulent moments when you're still muddling your way through figuring out what happens next. That time that nobody talks about. Those first couple of days, or weeks after. Not when you're over it, but when you're still right in the middle of it. Do you understand what I'm saying?
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So basically I spent alot of time drinking and alot of time playing the field. If I had had my kids with me things would have been very different though.Yeah, but that wasn't right after, right? It wasn't like:
Wife: I want a divorce.
You: Woo hoo! I'm going out, getting drunk, and sleeping with the first girl I meet.What I'm really looking for is what happens right after. What happens in those tumultuous, chaotic, turbulent moments when you're still muddling your way through figuring out what happens next. That time that nobody talks about. Those first couple of days, or weeks after. Not when you're over it, but when you're still right in the middle of it. Do you understand what I'm saying?
To be honest, that was pretty much how it happened. I was pissed off b/c she had "gone on vacation" while we were living in Germany, took my kids w/ her, then called to tell me she wasn't coming back. Maybe I'm just weird, but my first instinct was to go out and get drunk and f*!!ed.
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I think it will depend a lot on his situation. Do they have kids? Is he still in love with her? Is he financially secure? Is she financially secure? Is it a lackadaisical kind of divorce (lasting months because neither is interested in driving it), or is it an intense fast-and-dirty divorce? Is there animosity? Will lawyers get involved, or can they do it all on their own (easy to do if you don't have kids)? Have they done counseling? Was this out of the blue or was it somewhat expected? Is she asking for the farm? Did somebody actually hurt the other (affair, domestic abuse, etc.)? Is he an introvert or extrovert? All of these questions, and a lot more will tie into how he deals with it.
What was your first thought after the divorce? Were you upset with yourself? Were you angry at your spouse? Did you fret about finances? Did you wonder about the future? Right now, I feel like my character is just surprised that life goes on. For example, he hears kids playing out in the street and he reflects on the incongruity of such joy contrasted against his own misery. At the same time, though, I'm having difficulty trying to figure out what happens next.
What was the first thing you did afterward? I feel like my character would call his buddy and want to get out of the house. However, I don't know what they do once they get out of the house. For example, what do they talk about? Personally, I'd just want to sit on my buddy's couch and talk for hours (it's what I do now when I get into an argument with my wife). However, my character who is going through the divorce also has a six month old kid, and kids typically don't sit still for long. Maybe they could go for a walk, or something. Hmm...
From my own experience. I am an introvert, my divorce was amiable, it was slow-going (six months separated before the divorce request was made, but we did things together during that time), the original request to move out came out of the blue, I was financially secure, and we didn't have kids). Initially there's a lot of shame. Shame about what I did wrong and what I could have done to present things. There's also a fair amount of anger at not just her, but the world as a whole and myself. A lot of people don't want to tell anybody because of this and try to hide things as long as they can. Personally, I retreated from the real world. I didn't have much interest in hanging out with friends or going out and socializing, I just wanted to sit at home and wallow in my own misery as nothing really seemed fun. I used work as my opportunity to "go out" and I put on the happy face, but when I got home I switched right over into self-preservation mode. In all honesty, I couldn't tell you much of anything that went on in the real world because frankly the real world was the least of my concerns. When I did finally start talking to others about it, it was in spurts with very little detail. It wasn't until I found out I had another friend going through the same thing that I actually opened up a bit, but even then you just don't want to talk about it.
How did you and your spouse deal with the interim period between one or both of you moving out? How did you handle things like showers, meals, and TV? Personally, I can't imagine my character would want to spend much time with his wife after she told him she wants a divorce. However, when you share the same refrigerator with someone, it's hard...
She moved out. We spent about a month together after the initial request and yes, things did get a bit weird. You fall into the "you're only a friend" mode, and hide things like nudity and personal grooming habits. Generally it's a lot of staying out of each other's way (or trying to do things together if you're outright trying to "fix" things).
If you think in terms of the traditional five stages of grief (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance), from personal experience I can say the guy who came up with them generally has it right. You start out not believing what just happened to you; once you come to terms with the fact that it's really happening, you get angry (at yourself, the other, the world). Bargaining can take lots of forms ("are you sure we can't work things out", "maybe if I do X things will get better") but when you finally realize its over you do get depressed. Depression can last days, weeks, or even months, but eventually you do accept things. It takes a long time though, and you still think about the things you did wrong when dealing with other relationships and things you do YEARS after the initial divorce, even if the divorce was probably the best thing that happened to you.
Hope that helps.
I think that one would question their self-worth - what did I do wrong, was it my fault, was it theirs, etc. Hard to get back on the relationship wagon after being thrown from it.
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I think that one would question their self-worth - what did I do wrong, was it my fault, was it theirs, etc. Hard to get back on the relationship wagon after being thrown from it.
I've seen this, but I think I've seen more the exact opposite. Like so many other things, I think that it largely depends on the circumstances.
My father met his current wife while taking classes at seminary. He was having an affair for five years before he told anyone and very much surprised my mother. He went through a lot of blaming others for what he was doing rather than taking responsibility for himself. He even was trying to justify to my mother that he was entitled to both women. The divorce took an incredibly long time with him leading both women along. The thing that pretty well finalized the divorce with my mother was when we found out that he was already married to the other woman.
My mom went through a lot of the things MisterSlanky was talking about. My dad is still trying to justify his behavior.
I've seen very few divorces where it was pretty well agreed whose "fault" it was. After talking with a number of people who got divorced, they seem to always have some things -- major or minor -- that they hang onto to help them justify the situation. A few of them have mentioned to me that their spouse never put the cap back on the toothpaste "right" -- almost as if that was justification for divorce.
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I can only speak from the perspective of someone who's wife left me...
Imagine you've been punched in the gut by a 7' tall troll.
And that feeling lasts for 10+ months.
Everything that I went through, read, etc. showed that a divorce is just like the death of a loved one. You go through all the stages of grief. But it's harder to come to acceptance since it's not as final as death. There's a part of you that still believes that it could work out.
Right after it all started coming apart, I spent a lot of time with friends, just to talk, distract myself or get a good drunk on.
Every story is different, though. Mine was fortunate in that we didn't have kids, so there was no custody battle; and we were able to get the divorce without having to hire lawyers. Financially, I still got wholloped on selling the house...
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Depends on the reason for the divorce.
With my first wife I tried to make it work because i didn't realize I was an abused spouce. Then when I realized I was not able to save it, I moved on.
With my second wife, I was the one who knew it was over. So I went and planned to leave and did.
Now I just deal with my past by making ex-wife jokes. I would have to say though, the reaction and healing varies from person to person.
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Every story is different, though. Mine was fortunate in that we didn't have kids, so there was no custody battle; and we were able to get the divorce without having to hire lawyers. Financially, I still got wholloped on selling the house...
For every story being different, you're not alone on getting wholloped on the house. We had to sell right before the housing crash, now I have the house at a value many percentage points lower than the cost I "bought" it at.
I think hatred is natural. Hatred to the point that you might wish harm or worse on the subject. I have a friend who got divorced in the last year and on his facebook profile he shows his marital status as widowed.
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Don't know if it helps, but after a 30+ year marriage my parents divorced. It has been very difficult for the "kids" in our family. After the sudden shock of them splitting, we are still slowly beginning to understand what it means to have have 25+ years of family traditions and common experiences disappear. If you'd like more from the perspective of the adult children of a divorce, drop me a line. I could also probably get my mom to answer some questions for you, too.
Well, if it's a lifetime movie or Nicholas Sparks novel, you reconcile with estranged family members while picking up the pieces, you meet your real soulmate, and then one of you becomes terminally ill and dies.
Your dad starts beating you more because he can't take out his anger on your mom anymore.