I post to herald the winning beastie of this year’s competition!
This year at PaizoCon one of the events was a monster pit-fighting tournament. The players drafted monsters from a pool and pit them against one another in single combat, battling towards an elimination final. In the meantime, their Free Captain (pirate) owners placed wagers, either doubling up the gold in their holds or loosing it all in a mad fit of gambling.
For me the favourite part of the contest was the draft itself. The players struggled hard to predict a permutation that might lead to victory. At one point I could swear I could see the steam rising from their heads. Interestingly enough, the beast that actually took the title was actually drafted not first, second or even third, but in eleventh place – 11th! That tells me the match-ups made for some pretty tough calls.
Anyways, here we go! Stay with me gentle reader, but only if you can stand the sight of green blood.
Quarter Finals 1: Mr. Inky v. Stampy
The biggest crowd pleasing battle was an elephant (yes, elephant) versus a black pudding. Some match-ups should just never take place. But here at Green Blood we do not shy away.
The elephant was unable to line-up a trample attack thanks to some “slick” manoeuvring by Mr. Inky. Once they met in close-quarters, the ooze swarmed over the elephant’s body and bathed it in acid while the elephant stomped it into puddles. Early on for one round the elephant also gored with its tusks, but this only caused Mr. Inky to divide into Inky “A” and Inky “B”, doubling the creatures’ offence, and the elephant had to learn fast. It was a super tight match that ultimately came down to the dice but in the end it was the pudding that walked (er sloshed) away.
Winner: Black Pudding
Quarter Finals 2: Grey Render v. (wing-clipped) Juvenile Black Dragon
This was a fun match as well though once the render got his improved grab on the little guy, it was probably decided. The render kept making its saving throws against the dragon’s breath weapons and while he fought admirably, the little guy just couldn’t go pound for pound.
There was a neat moment where the render sucked the black dragon inside its mouth like an olive and the dragon let loose with a full attack. Kudos to the dragon for getting its clinging breath weapon off before the render could close but unfortunately, the Black Rock is a small arena and there are only so many places a wing-clipped dragon can run to for space.
Winner: Grey Render
Quarter Finals 3: Cloud Giant Skeleton v. Gargantuan Hunting Spider
This was a weird match. Between the two of them, the two combatants had a combined intelligence score of N/A. Ultimately this proved to be a rough pairing for the spider as he couldn’t bring his High-DC poison, one of his key offensive weapons, to bear on his opponent. Worse, nobody else in the game _or the entire draft_ could pack a single-attack wallop of the magnitude of the cloud giant skeleton.
At one point the spider executed an awesome diving slam to bullrush the skeleton off the rock, but the skeleton didn’t seem to care. It just picked itself up and resumed its hunt. Whenever the spider wouldn’t close, the skeleton would hurl boulders. If the spider closed, it got the super-sized Morningstar – well played. (Interestingly after the match the spider’s player and another player collaborated to devise a fantastic stratagem which might have actually propelled the spider to victory – ah, another time.)
Winner: Cloud Giant Skeleton
Quarter Finals 4: T-Rex v. Huge Fire Elemental (Sparky)
This match-up was the most dramatic of the quarter finals by a mile.
It began with a blessing of the T-Rex mini by James Jacobs (though he was busy running another event at the time) a true omen for unsettling violence.
Well played, the T-Rex lined the fire elemental up for a bullrush and blasted the elemental off of the Black Rock and into the storm water below. The freeze-frame video shows a massive column of steam rippling skyward as the waves sucked the elemental below. It’s really something. (Pay per view only)
Remarkably, the elemental was able to scoot back up to safety before being utterly extinguished. After that though, Mr. Sparky focussed on spring attacks and made the T-Rex pay for its various attempts to line up a second rush. The T-Rex took damage every time it got its jaws on its opponent and took fiery slam attacks when it didn’t.
This was a fantastic match to my mind and in hindsight this was probably the “hidden final round”.
Winner: Fire Elemental
Semi-Finals 1: Black Pudding (Mr. Inky) v. Huge Fire Elemental (Sparky)
After its deadly encounter with Stampy, Mr. Inky had too few hit points to carry over into the round. This match was over so fast, the spectators were not sure it had started. It was a fast fight, not a fair one, but it did leave us with the parting fragrance of evaporated pudding. Yikes!
Winner: Fire Elemental
Semi-Finals 2: Cloud Giant Skeleton v. Grey Render
This match was also guaranteed to come down to die luck. Both beasties were badly injured. Nevertheless, it was a stand-up fight. The render, well, rended and the giant clubbed away. When the dust settled it was the render that was still standing with oversized bones sticking out of its teeth. (Who knew that jaws can count as bludgeoning for the purpose of overcoming DR?)
But the giant had made its point: the render had so few hit points there wasn’t going to be much left for its final contest against the fire elemental.
Winner: Grey Render
The Finals: (Exhausted) Render v. Fire Elemental
The final was a bit of an anti-climactic finish, I’m afraid. The heavily-favoured elemental tore into the render. The render tried to fight back but he just didn’t have the hit points left to take the burn tax every time he struck his opponent. Or, for that matter, enough hit points to survive the burns he took when Sparky “returned fire”.
Let’s give some credit to Sparky’s player though, he stick-handled the tournament very well throughout and put himself in this winning position.
Winner: Fire Elemental
- Sparky immediately signed a three-year endorsement deal with Nike and will be featured in a chart topping hip-hop video. In a recent interview, Mr. Sparky revealed he had accidentally incinerated his title belt.
- For his part, Mr. Inky decided to write a ‘tell-all’ book in which he revealed the seedy under belly of the sport. It’s a real page-turner in which Mr. Inky discovers he in fact has no under belly.
- Keeping it real, Stampy has decided to retire from blood sport permanently and go into politics.
- The T-Rex refused to pee in a cup and returned to the Darklands under a spectre of controversy. In a prepared statement, his agent denied all allegations on T-Rex’s behalf and insisted that his client’s jaws are all natural.
- After a brief but successful stint on “Dancing with the Stars”, the Render signed himself and his bonded companion to a one-year contract for a reality television series called “Meet the Renders”.
- The Gargantuan spider produced an infomercial for Thigh-Master, together with a series of popular weight loss supplements. He is expected to re-enter next year’s competition as a Huge spider.
- The black dragon too left the world of fighting and enjoyed a burst (a cone?) of success bundling sub-prime mortgages for his hedge fund. Currently he has been indicted for designing a Ponzi scam. All allegations are as yet unproven.
- Following his touchy-feely appearances on Opra and the View, the cloud giant skeleton is rumoured to be in-line to host an up-and-coming game show entitled: “Who Wants to be Re-Animated?”
Very cool! Wish I had caught this one :)
Yes, Sparky was truly a champion.
I had a ton of fun playing him and participating in Green Blood on Black Rock. Thanks again, Jason!
I liked the looks of shock when I took my 11th-round pick to fight instead of my 6th-round pick of the 5-headed hydra.
What can I say, I like the mini! ;)
It was sad for me to beat the Render, as he is a sentimental favorite of mine.
Next year Sparky might have to return to defend his title.
Thanks again!
Yarr! Ol' Rattlebones woulda made it to the final round, if'n that cowardly excuse of a render hadn't been duckin' boulders an' just charged inta the fray like a real monster!
Pfah, no skin of me nose...I still came out ahead in gold, and I'll be seein' ya scurvy dogs next year. Mark me words, I'll be bringin' a champion next time.