Um guys? there's a whole section on tax law down here we can burn.
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I spend time, searching my mind, walking blindly
I'm a live but I don't know why my thoughts threat me
Paranoia, fear and guilt, I hope I don't explode
I'm a bomb that ya can't diffuse,
a gun that ya can't unload...
I don't listen, I don't know, man. I don't care!
You're talking 'bout all the hell you've seen...
Man. I live there!
Talk to me and it goes right through
I never heard a word you said..
Save your breath 'coz it's no use:
You're talking to the living dead!
Ooh..bullet driven eyes...yeah, what can you tell me?
Ooh..I'm living in a nightmare, yeah!
I'm on the edge, shrinking back from the ledge
Looking out my window, down upon my heritage
Strip malls, thin walls, people paralyzed beneath the sun
Why me, why now?
I see the dirty millions and I try to survive somehow...
Got no reasons, got no needs
I hear gunshots, I hear screams
What can you do to me, what can you say?
I used to be alive but I threw it all away
I used to have problems, I used to live a lie
I've seen the sidewalk bleed
And I watched the mother cry
I used to have a mind, I used to wonder why
But now I go from day to day and wait around to die...
...like he did.
- Henry Rollins, "Volume 4"
Never argue with women. You'll end up losing every single time. -Advice from my father
Old Ben had another great quote: "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." I even have a t-shirt with that on it.A personal favorite of mine:
"Three may keep a Secret, if two of them are dead." - Benjamin Franklin
"...Hangovers are proof God has a sadistic sense of humor." -- Me
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Edward Abbey. I like this guy:
"Our culture runs on coffee and gasoline, the first often tasting like the second."
"A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government."
On anarchism:
"Anarchism is not a romantic fable but the hardheaded realization, based on five thousand years of experience, that we cannot entrust the management of our lives to kings, priests, politicians, generals, and county commissioners."
"Anarchism is founded on the observation that since few men are wise enough to rule themselves, even fewer are wise enough to rule others."
"The more corrupt a society, the more numerous its laws."
"Counterpart to the knee-jerk liberal is the new knee-pad conservative, always groveling before the rich and powerful. The only thing worse than a knee-jerk liberal is a knee-pad conservative."
"What's the difference between a whore and a congressman? A congressman makes more money."
"I would give ten years off the beginning of my life to see, only once, Tyrannosaurus rex come rearing up from the elms of Central Park, a Morgan police horse screaming in its jaws. We can never have enough of nature."
That our genitals are within arm's reach is proof that God loves us.
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Angus: "By the way, your friend has terrible aim."
Faye: "Pretty sure she's drunk."
Hannelore: "NO I'm NOT these are TIME SNOWBALLS they're achieving relativistic VELOCITY and they're gonna hit you twenty years in the FUTURE"
- Questionable Content
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Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man -- living in the sky -- who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!
But He loves you.
- George Carlin
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"When NASA first started sending astronauts into space, they realized that the ballpoint pen would not work at zero gravity. A million dollar investment and two years of tests resulted in a pen that would write in space, upside-down, on any surface and at any temperature from below freezing to over 300 degrees centigrade. When confronted with the same problem, the Russians used a pencil."
- Tania Kovats
Marge: "Do you want your son to grow up to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court or a sleazy male stripper?!"
Homer: "Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren?"
Marge: "Earl Warren wasn't a stripper!"
Homer: "Now who's being naive?"
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"Culture is dynamic human creativity ... which can be seen as an antidote to the tendency for contemporary life to be stultifying. We live in a society dominated by inequality, privilege, irrational greed, moral authoritarianism and an anti-intellectualism that perverts the ways in which people may seek to lead fulfilling lives in peace and harmony."
- John Astley
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"Culture is dynamic human creativity ... which can be seen as an antidote to the tendency for contemporary life to be stultifying. We live in a society dominated by inequality, privilege, irrational greed, moral authoritarianism and an anti-intellectualism that perverts the ways in which people may seek to lead fulfilling lives in peace and harmony."
- John Astley
"Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you downNever gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you"
-Rick Astley
I wonder if they're related?
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A friend of mine by the name of Sean was in the Singapore Army for a few years. For part of his service, he was taking an acne medication that had the unfortunate side effect of making his nose bleed uncontrollably. One day during morning inspection, the Master Sergeant noticed drops of blood on the floor. Here is the exchange, as recounted to me:
Master Sergeant - "Is someone bleeding?"
Sean - "Me, sir."
Master Sergeant - "Are you in need of medical assistance?"
Sean - "No, sir."
Master Sergeant - "Why are you bleeding?"
Sean (pointing to his nose) - "I'm taking a new weight-loss pill that removes excess body weight in the form of blood through the nose."
Master Sergeant - "HUH?"
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"Thank you, thank you very much. I'm blown away. In fact, I'm leaving."
- Sir Ken Robinson
"In the Nativity play... the three little boys went on stage, you know, with the tea towels on their heads and all that. They put their boxes down, and the first boy said "I bring you gold." Then, second boy said "I bring you myrrh." And then the third boy put his box down and said "Frank sent this."
- Sir Ken Robinson
"The only thing you find in the middle of the road are dead animals and dumb Americans." -- Anton Newcombe
"That's Doctor Smartass. I didn't spend ten years in Insult College to get called Mister."
- Harry B. C. Dresden, Turn Coat
"A demon can get in real trouble, doing the right thing."
- A. J. Crowley, Good Omens
"That's why I never kiss 'em on the mouth."
- Jayne Cobb (Adam Baldwin), Firefly
"You know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I go and ruttin' beat you with so you know who's in command."
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"You know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I go and ruttin' beat you with so you know who's in command.""That's why I never kiss 'em on the mouth."
- Jayne Cobb (Adam Baldwin), Firefly
Wash - "A man walks down the street in that hat, people know he's not afraid of anything."
Jayne - "Damn straight."
"You know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I go and ruttin' beat you with so you know who's in command.""That's why I never kiss 'em on the mouth."
- Jayne Cobb (Adam Baldwin), FireflyWash - "A man walks down the street in that hat, people know he's not afraid of anything."
Jayne - "Damn straight."
Mal: *chinese swearing* "Are you offerin' me a TRADE?"
Jayne: "Trade!? Hell, that's theft! This is the best damn gun made by man. It's miles more worthy than what you got."Mal: "What I got? She has a name!"
Jayne: "So does this! I call her Vera!"
Mal: "Well my days of not taking you seriously are certainly comin' to a... middle."
Zoe: "Preacher, ain't the Bible got pretty specific rules on killing?"
Book: "Very specific. It is, however, somewhat fuzzier on the subject of kneecaps."
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Zoe: "Preacher, ain't the Bible got pretty specific rules on killing?"
Book: "Very specific. It is, however, somewhat fuzzier on the subject of kneecaps."
Bar man - "You didn't toast. You know, I'm thinking you're one of them Innepennents."
Mal - "And I'm thinking you weren't burdened with an overabundance of schooling. So why don't we just ignore each other until we go away?"Bar man - "The Innepennents were a bunch of inbred, cowardly piss-pots. Should've been killed off of every world spinnin'."
Mal - [turns] "Say that to my face."
Bar man - "I said you're a coward and a piss-pot. Now what are you gonna do about it?"
Mal - [smiles] "Nothing. I just wanted you to face me so she could get behind you."
Zoe - *whack*
Mal - "Drunks are so cute."
We're going to quote the whole show at this rate.