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"Before we use any power tools, let's take a moment to talk about shop safety. Be sure to read, understand, and follow all the safety rules that come with your power tools. Knowing how to use your power tools properly will greatly reduce the risk of personal injury. And remember this: there is no more important safety rule than to wear these — safety glasses."
- Norm Abram
"Patience my ass; I'm going to go out and kill something."
-Vlad Taltos, Issola, by Steven Brust
"Our life as adventurers is so sweet, Cap'n, that we don't need any candy!" Flapjack
"Plus, I'm only 26 years old.
My grandma lived to 83.
That's lots of time if I don't smoke.
I guess I'll wait another year." Amanda Palmer "Another Year"
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Wow. That is truly impressive.Almost as good as the kid in front of me at Blockbuster, who saw a poster for a Donald Sutherland movie and said, in a tone of total contempt and utmost scorn, "Donald Sutherland?! What, is that supposed to be, like, Kiefer's dad or something?"
I'm bartending in Deep Ellum:
Song comes on the jukebox, Sweet Dreams, by The Eurythmics.
Chick: "Who's this whiny b!7@# covering Marylin Manson?"
Me: "Um, can I see your ID? Oh? 18? Get the F5&k out of my bar..."
"Dig, if you will, the picture."
- Prince
"Though I look old, yet am I strong and lusty"
- Shakespeare, As You Like It
"Gentlemen, give me liberty... or give me chew."
- Jeff Frentz
"Take it easy. But take it."
- Woody Guthrie
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Wow. That is truly impressive.Almost as good as the kid in front of me at Blockbuster, who saw a poster for a Donald Sutherland movie and said, in a tone of total contempt and utmost scorn, "Donald Sutherland?! What, is that supposed to be, like, Kiefer's dad or something?"I'm bartending in Deep Ellum:
Song comes on the jukebox, Sweet Dreams, by The Eurythmics.
Chick: "Who's this whiny b!7@# covering Marylin Manson?"
Me: "Um, can I see your ID? Oh? 18? Get the F5&k out of my bar..."
I would have decked her. Right there. Decked. Her.
I would have decked her. Right there. Decked. Her.Wow. That is truly impressive.Almost as good as the kid in front of me at Blockbuster, who saw a poster for a Donald Sutherland movie and said, in a tone of total contempt and utmost scorn, "Donald Sutherland?! What, is that supposed to be, like, Kiefer's dad or something?"I'm bartending in Deep Ellum:
Song comes on the jukebox, Sweet Dreams, by The Eurythmics.
Chick: "Who's this whiny b!7@# covering Marylin Manson?"
Me: "Um, can I see your ID? Oh? 18? Get the F5&k out of my bar..."
Shiny, will you follow me around at bars and hit people for me? We'd both have lots of fun!
"If I travel all the way out there, and find you were lying, I'll take more than my money back... will that be all right with you?"
--Daniel Day-Lewis in There Will Be Blood
"All right you mother-stickers, this is a f*~~-up!"
- anonymous robber, shortly before beating a hasty retreat
Big delayed reaction LOL.
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The consequences of googling "Spoonerisms" equals stuff like that. In other related news, on the very same site, I found a transcription of a story the Scout camp staff used to tell when I was a Cub Scout:
Once apon a time, in a coreign fountry, there lived a very geautiful birl; her name was Rindercella. Now, Rindercella lived with her mugly other and her two sad bisters. And in this same coreign fountry, there was a very prandsom hince.
And this prandsom hince was going to have a bancy fall. And he'd invited people from riles amound, especially the pich reople. Rindercella's mugly other and her two sad blisters went out to buy some drancy fesses to wear to this bancy fall, but Rindercella could not go because all she had to wear were some old rirty dags. Finally, the night of the bancy fall arrived and Rindercella couldn't go. So she just cat down and scried. She was a kitten there a scrien, when all at once there appeard before her, her gairy fodmother. And he touched her with his wagic mand ... and there appeared before her, a cig boach and hix white sorces to take her to the bancy fall. But now she said to Rindercella, "Rindercella, you must be home before nidmight, or I'll purn you into a tumpkin!"
When Rindercella arrived at the bancy fall, the prandsom hince met her at the door because he had been watchin' behind a woden hindow. And Rindercella and the prandsom hince nanced all dight until nidmight...and they lell in fove. And finally, the mid clock strucknight. And Rindercella staced down the rairs, and just as she beached the rottom, she slopped her dripper!
The next day, the prandsom hince went all over the coreign fountry looking for the geautiful birl who had slopped her dripper. Finally he came to Rindercella's house. He tried it on Rendercella's mugly other ... and it fidn't dit. Then he tried it on her two sigly usters ... and it fidn't dit. Then he tried it on Rindercella ... and it fid dit. It was exactly the sight rize!
So they were married and lived heverly ever hapwards. Now, the storal of the mory is this: If you ever go to a bancy fall and want to have a pransom hince loll in fove with you, don't forget to slop your dripper!
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And another:
A long time ago, even before Frenjamin Banklin invented the Paturday Evening Sost, a little girl named Ride Hooding Red started out through a fick thorest to take a lasket of bunch to her grick sandmother. She was lunning arong, summing a hong, when who should buddenly surst upon her but a big wown brolf. "Where are you going, my metty little praid?" said the berocious feast. "To my handmother's grouse," said the minnocent aiden, "to take her a sandful of handwiches and some pill dickles. For she is very bick in sed with a figh hever!" "Well, for sand lakes!!" wied the crolf. "In that case, give ME the bitty prasket and I will run it to your cotmother's grandmage. Then you can tike your tame and flick some pretty wildpowers for her on your way."
So little Red Hiding Rood gave the bass the wolfket and off he went. Finally Little Hood Redding Ride reached her hanny's grouse. The mean,wolfwhile, had somehow disgranned of the poor old sposemother and had bumped into jed with the old nady's lightgown on.
Hed Riding Rood took a grander at what she thought was her gandmother and said, "Oh Grandmother, what igg byes you have!" "The setter to bee you with, my dear," said the wolf with a smicked wile on his fairy hace. "And Granny," said Red, "What igg beers you have!!' "The hetter to BEER you with, my dear," and his byes got even igger... "Oh Granny," said the girl, "and what tig BEETH you have!!!" "THE CHETTER TO BOO YOU UP WITH!!!" shouted the wafty crolf, and with that he beeped out of led. Then it was that Ride Hedding Rood saw that it was grand her notmother, but the wolful awf. And here, let us brause peefly to ted a shear for the poor, dear old nan-granny.
But the endy has a happy storing, jadies and lentlemen, for suddenly out of the beer clue came seven woodsy huskmen who not only gatched the little snurl from the daws of jeath, but grabbed the threast by the boat and hopped off his ched!
Now Hide Red Hooding is enmaged to garry a hall, tark and dandsome man and is harry, harry vappy. And although she grisses her dear old manny, she is certainly glad that the wolf, who told such forrible hibs, is door as a deadnail in Fotter's Pield.
Shiny, will you follow me around at bars and hit people for me? We'd both have lots of fun!Totally. I don't hit people enough, and hitting drunk people is a hell of a lot easier than hitting sober people. And in this case, it would be morally justifiable. Win-win!
Drunks don't fight well, but they're imbued with one heck of a tolerance to pain. They don't stay down.
An alcoholic bouncer (off duty) who later turned alcohol clean/steroid abusing pro body builder hugged me goodbye after a band rehearsal, way back when. But he was angry because I didn't want him in the band and he knew it.
His unexpected hug transformed into a bear hug. He lifted me up in the air. I cranked his head sideways and quickly put him on his back in the parking lot.
"Done?" I asked. He nodded. I let him up.
So he attacks me again. I put him on the ground again. Harder this time. "Done?!" I asked again. He nodded.
He got up and attacked me a third time! This would look like comedy if this guy wasn't so massive. I put him down on the ground a third time, facemasked him with my hand and stapled his skull to the concrete with a quick tap. "ARE YOU DONE?!"
"I give. I'm done." And that time he meant it. I heard his friends razzed him for losing and that didn't sit well with him. Not the kind of guy you want gunning for you. Luckily that was the last time I ever saw him because he quit the band and became a cop. I heard from a mutual acquaintance that early on in his career he was shooting a gun into the air for kicks atop an apartment building roof in Brooklyn and when cop cars pulled up he threw his pistol into a bucket of rainwater to cool it so they wouldn't know he was responsible. They still count bullets though, if they're suspicious, don't they?
"I was hot this morning, but now I'm cold. I think I'm bipolar."
- teenage girl overheard in gas station"Denial ain't just a river in China."
- local hick overheard in gas stationI need to get the f%@* outta this town.
Jeebus. >.> The dumb is thick there, isn't it?
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"I was hot this morning, but now I'm cold. I think I'm bipolar."
- teenage girl overheard in gas station"Denial ain't just a river in China."
- local hick overheard in gas stationI need to get the f%&@ outta this town.
This is why I laugh my a$$ off when people tell me the education system up there is "so much better". I grew up there, I know better ;)
Shiny, will you follow me around at bars and hit people for me? We'd both have lots of fun!Totally. I don't hit people enough, and hitting drunk people is a hell of a lot easier than hitting sober people. And in this case, it would be morally justifiable. Win-win!
I'm so down. I want to plan a trip to NY just for that.
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I'm so down. I want to plan a trip to NY just for that.Shiny, will you follow me around at bars and hit people for me? We'd both have lots of fun!Totally. I don't hit people enough, and hitting drunk people is a hell of a lot easier than hitting sober people. And in this case, it would be morally justifiable. Win-win!
Heh. Sounds like a plan.
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Rev. Archibald Spooner - "Would you like to come to a tea welcoming Stanley Casson, our new archaeology Fellow?"
Dr. Stanley Casson - "But sir, I am Stanley Casson."
Rev. Archibald Spooner - "Never mind, come all the same."
"I seem to have lost my signifying glass. Oh, well. It doesn't magnify."
- Rev. A. Spooner
Dear sir,
Please come to my office immediately, there is an important matter I wish you to see to.
The Reverend Archibald Spooner
P.S. The matter has been resolved, you no longer need to attend.
"Did I say Aristotle? I meant St. Paul."
- Rev. A. Spooner
"Let us glaze our asses to the queer old Dean."
- Rev. A. Spooner
"Come into the arms of the Shoving Leopard."
- Rev. A. Spooner
"We have all the hags flung out."
- Rev. A. Spooner
A bit of dialog I heard during Hellboy II
Hellboy: Here have a beer.
Abraham Sapien: But my body is a temple...
Hellboy: Naw, it's an amusement park.
A bit of dialog I heard during Hellboy II
Hellboy: Here have a beer.
Abraham Sapien: But my body is a temple...
Hellboy: Naw, it's an amusement park.
"And you see I can't smile without you
I can't smile without youI can't laugh and I can't sing
I'm finding it hard to do anything
You see I feel glad when you're glad
I feel sad when you're sad
If you only knew what I'm going through
I just can't smile without you"
Barry Manilow
"I'm not a baby, I'm a tumor."
This was seriously shouted by a friend of a friend's grandfather, to his wife, in a restaurant:
"GERT! You're like a NEEDLE in my BRAIN!!!"
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Here's to you, as good as you are.
Here's to me as bad as I am.
As good as you are and as as bad as I am,
I'm as good as you are, as bad as I am.
-Irish toast
The general rule about driving in Ireland is that if you can do something that the Gardai (police) won't see you doing, or if you don't crash into anything, it's all right. -Irish motorist giving a tip to an American visitor
Three quarters of what the opposition says about us is lies and the other half is completely without foundation in truth. -Sir Boyle Roache in a speech to the Irish Parliament
It is the quiet pigs that eat the meal. -Irish proverb
Overheard in the White House pub and restaurant in Kinsale, as one businessman was talking to another, "Whenever I want to kill time, I call a committee meeting. It's the ideal weapon."
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"List, ye heralds of hatred and holocaust. We four be but the meekest harbingers of those who follow. Turn back thine armada- or face the wrath of an Earth aroused! We have spoken."
- Thor of the Avengers
"WHOAH! Whoah! You are now FIRING A GUN at your IMAGINARY FRIEND near 400 GALLONS OF NITROGLYCERIN!"
- Tyler Durden
"Your taunts are inadvised, templar. Do not provoke me to violence. You can no more evade my wrath than you could your own shadow." - Dark Templar, Starcraft
"Who is your daddy and what does he do?"
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"My father used to say: 'Improve your argument, don't raise your voice'." -- Archbishop Desmond Tutu
That is extremely sound advice. along with:
"you know that saying "A good negotiator knows when to give ground and when to walk away"? well every conversation you'll ever have with women is a negotiation. Yes. Every. One. Learn when to give ground." -My Father
And he hasn't been wrong yet. Too bad I'm a lousy negotiator.