one liners from our most recent campaign.
Firstly I'm gifted with a quick witted crew of players that I'm thankful for every day. We have a pool of about 20 people in our area to pull from, but our most recent campaign is limited to friends and family.
The campaign started as a lark with the best man from my wedding DMing, and only his brother and I playing. This quickly spiraled out of control once word got out. 8)
The party background is that I play a rouge/cleric of Erevan Illsere, named Ailil, and my friends brother plays a rouge named William. In the first levels it was decided for simplicities sake that Ailil gets all the magic items he could use, and William sold the rest and kept all the coin, as long as he kept Ailil fed, rested, and entertained. due to the inability to take much damage we hired a Shield man NPC from the local townfolk for dungeon raiding who was with the party long enough to gain lvl 1 Warrior. unfortunately that was when he died to a wight. Upon returning to town the conversation went something like this.
Innkeeper: you lads taking off for the north tomorrow I hear?
Ailil: Yup we've raided around here as much as we feel comfortable with. The goblin tribes seem o know when we're coming now and how we're getting into their hills.
Innkeeper: You taking that Farmlad with you?
Ailil: unfortunatley no, he's had to retire to the farm. (trying to cover up the fact that the henchman died)
William: Yeah he went back to buy it!
My wife later made a character and achieved a 1st for me in over 20 years of gaming. 10 consecutive 6's during character creation! My brother in law rolled up a gnomish necromancer (CN) My mother in law an elvish fighter, and my father in law an elvish cleric of Corellenn. we have a Halfling archer, and dwarven Barbarian which sometimes accompany us also. Which caused a revision of the looting rules. Upon defeating an ogre and searching through his lair, and finding nothing Ailil decided to drop Detect Magic and discovered an elven cloak hidden in the bedding of the ogre. Having been a particularly dry month of raiding there was question if Ailil was going to be able to keep the cloak.
Ailil: (rejoining the party wearing the cloak.) OK you said there was a secret door in this room?
William: Where did you get that cloak?
Ailil it was in the area of the ogre's chamber that was passed over.
William: and just because you're an elf you think you should keep that cloak?
Ailil: Yeah just like you'll get the first sneaky bastard sword we find.
Okay, after session three of the Annoying Prince started, we entered combat, and began searching the "temple." Our two new party members are at odds with one another (one is a very serious survavalist Sendasti rogue, the other a fat halfling druid who is constantly happy). After the two had met, the Sendasti said
"Oh my god, we're adventuring with Ned Flanders."
/d
I had a player in a campaign years ago who played a halfling. When faced with a particularly large and nasty monster (I forget what it was exactly), Ken's character announced:
"We're gonna get eaten"
This one has a lot of merit, in the real world and in the game:
My younger brother was playing shadowrun (3e), and his street sam was talking to a very bad person. Said bad person wanted to hurt the fellow runners on his team. Deuce just said this:
"I can't let you do that. These people are my family, and if you want to try and hurt my family you have to go through me."
Said bad person didn't make it out alive, nor did the runner team he hired.
/d
After a particularly grueling spate of grisly character deaths, and trying to seamlessly weave several new PC's into a party in the middle of a seemingly endless underdark dungeon crawl on the shores of a lake of blood, by a city ruled by an evil warlord, while the PC's stood mute, trying to figure out how to RP meeting the taciturn new Monk/Fighter character of one of the players..
"you look like a PC...wanna come with us?"
One-liners ... let us see what floats to the surface of foggy memory at o-dark thirty before today's game :
(Carnivorous heart-eating Hobbit after a battle with a weretiger) " I rip his still beating heart from his chest and eat it ! "
(Walking Death Machine PC group walks into a large cavern full of supposedly mundane lizard men) " Roll initiative and get to dyin' ! " (72 'lizard men' ready tridents, and the picture from the Fiend Folio reveals them to be lizard kings rather than lizard men.)
(Green Slime Thief viewing his arch-nemesis' derrier from below) " I give him the ultimate enema !! "
(Now-retired PC dating back to Basic D&D) " Whaddya mean I've ascended ? I haven't looted the bodies yet ! "
(Forest Gnome PC upon viewing a foe rendered helpless due to having a 1 STR and too much body armor on to be able to move) " I set him on fire, repeatedly, until he stops screaming - I do so love watching a Tiberium Candle Dance. " (Then he realized that an immobile foe won't be doing much dancing, only screaming...)
(Dwarf PC upon watching all his fellow PCs get themselves butchered due to stupidity, after casting Sanctuary and taking a vial of antitoxin) " Time to do what dwarves do best - drink the bad guys under the table ! " (This proved successful.)
(Human MU PC with ability scores rolled via Unearthed Arcana back in a 1st edition campaign) " I wuss slap the king with my 18 Strength! " (The same wizard, on 9d6, ended up with a 15 Int and, on however many d6, a 6 Wis ... )
" We came, we saw, we died. " (Original time and source of quotation unknown, adapted as group's official motto, whether they like it or not.)
" Whaddya mean that ... that THING uses a Staff of Healing on itself ?! "
" Back to the Raising Factory with the lot of you. " (Dwarf PC to the rest of the party's body parts in the wheelbarrow he pushed to the local temple.)
Upon applying a death touch with an Aasimar Cleric the other night:
"Wee Jas cordially requests the pleasure of your company on the eternal battlefield of Acheron... Please RSVP"
after the touch was successful, to party:
"Did I say RSVP? I meant RIP"
Okay, so this is in our campaign journal of the annoying prince, but I rolled on the floor laughing when I read this.
Setup: My character, Kelryn, is a 1/2 red dragon whose father tricked the queen into...you know. Anyhoo, Kelryn is the source of all Duncan's ills, and hates Duncan for his order's failures (Duncan's the last one), and the feeling between the two is mutual. Poor, happy Mern. Constantly in a good mood, and absolutely the best RP for a happy, absent-minded, very talkative halfling.
Anyhoo, in Duncan's own words:
"After Hadamash talks our way into the city (the guards seem wary of eveyone but Hadamash, though they at least seemed respectful of me), we were ushered to a hostel for foreigners. The place wasn't too bad, but I was in a foul mood. Hadamash wanted to slip away and talk to a contact of his in the city, so I was left with Mern and Kelryn for company, which is somewhat like being locked in a room with a rabid badger and a yapping puppy. Both unpleasant, but in their own ways."
/d
One of my frequent players, after having been killed by an enemy spellcaster's fireball spell THREE TIMES in the same campaign:
"My God! Why do all of these bastards have fireball?!?"
Another player at the table:
"Maybe... because it works???"
ROFLMAO!!! So...true!!!
"Quick, pull down his pants and grab his sling!"
Yep, that's still funny.
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Our main DM is about as anal a rules lawyer as ever walked the surface of this Earth. Some of his more memorable quotes:
(after one new guy, a N Druid/Sorcerer added his caster levels together): "MORONS! YOU'RE ALL MORONS!" He then proceeded to bash himself in the forehead with a PHB for what seemed like ten minutes. He must have an iron skull, because he once bent a pewter tea tray over his head for no reason at all.
(trying to explain D&D to a non-gamer friend of mine)
NG: So, it's a board game?
DM: No. It's a role-playing game. You use dice and paper.
NG: So, it's a board game?
DM: WHAT DID I TELL YOU! IT'S NOT A BOARD GAME!!!!
Now, whenever the DM is being especially anal-retentive, we just yell "IT'S NOT A BOARD GAME" really loudly. It shuts him up.
Also, I once was DM for a pair of new players, playing Yuri: a CN human Rogue, and Magnus: a LG Drow Paladin. This harrowing encounter with a collapsing room trap willlive in infamy.
Rogue: I check for traps.
Me: You see a crack running down the wall. (trying to give the new guy a break) It looks suspicious...
Rogue: I poke it.
>D'OH<
Paladin: Did you just...
The rogue actually managed to dodge the falling stone blocks, but the Paladin was less lucky. Good thing the Paladin was wearing full plate and I was using the 'armor as DR' rules from Unearthed Arcana. Afterward, the Paladin spouted this gem:
"If I were not a Paladin, I would kill you where you stand. But, I am, so, I won't."
Also, in our main DM's homebrew campaign, I was playing a Firebrand Paladin, and the party was in a forgotten temple to Pazuzu. This got interesting:
Me: I shall SMITE THE VILE MASTER OF THIS PLACE! PAZUZU!
DM: Careful now. This is a place of power. He may be able to hear you.
Me: Umm... STAY WHERE YOU ARE! I SHALL COME TO YOU!
-Mr. Shiny
-Mr. Shiny
RPG Superstar 2013 Top 32
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From my Iron Kingdoms campaign:
One of the PCs and two NPCs are trying to stop a warjack (steam-powered deathmachine - CR 12) by pelting it with gunfire from the opposite end of the street. The 'jack lumbers its way towards them, wielding a massive hammer in its hands and smashing the fronts of buildings as it passes them.
The PC is level 3. The NPCs are level 2. One other PC sees this happening and decides to join in, taking aim with his pistols and firing as well. This PC is also level 3. The players have NO IDEA what this thing's CR, HP, or AC are. They're just in the 'the DM won't put us up against something we can't beat' mindset.
PC 1: I reload as I retreat up the street.
Me: Okay, you backpedal as the machine advances, crushing a tradesman's cart beneath its massive foot as it approaches. It is now about 800 feet away.
PC 1: I fire again.
PC 2: Me too.
Me: *makes attack rolls* Okay... your bullets bounce harmlessly off the warjack's armor and it continues to advance. The NPCs fire their shots as well to no effect.
PC 1: Does it look hurt?
Me: ...not in the slightest.
*they continue to fire to no effect, eventually PC 2 and the NPCs flee, PC 1 decides that clearly he needs to hit it harder, so he closes to melee and decides to go for Power Attack*
PC 1: Initative... 16.
Me: Okay, you beat it. It rolled a 4.
PC 1: I put 3 points in Power Attack and swing with my halberd!
Me: *sigh... rolls attack* 'Clang!' Your weapon has no effect.
PC 1: Hm... this thing must have a high AC.
Me: Yeah... you could say that. (The AC is 26.) Okay, it closes its other hand around the hammer and brings it crashing down on top of you with both hands... *rolls attack... winces... rolls damage* Umm... how many hit points do you have?
PC 1: 24
Me: ...well... take 38 damage.
PC 1: !!! ...did it crit?!
Me: ...nope.
And the one-liner:
PC 1: Well, s*#&. I die... a lot.
(A few of their shots DID beat the AC... but couldn't overcome the DR.)
During Savage tide after explaining an idea to an NPC who didn't seem to understand:
"I would suggest to you that next time you reach a level divisible by 4, you invest in a point of INT."
In the Beyond the Supernatural game that I play in, my character is a psychic healer/demon hunter. One of my covers is a DEA agent. While in the pursuit of information (and covering up "things that should not be seen"), I had to play the part of an agent to two goth wannabe kids. It all went down at the local Starbucks and in order to get a piece of evidence (the aforementioned "things that should not be seen"), I had to get said wannabes out of the way and seize the evidence.
My line?
"Well, I got some good news and some bad news. The good news is, I'm giving you your money back. The bad news is I'm not the waitress."
I was running a game with a lecherous bard that became infstuated with a beutiful elfven woman they resuced from a bandit cave and then hired on as a cook. Later they found out the elf was really a bandit herself and had used the party to destroy her own crew and then came out of hiding pretending to be a slave once her former partners were dead. The bard had a natural 18 charisma so the elf fell for him, despite having entirely different ideas about how a relationship should work.
The bard was cavorting with several tavern girls one might in town when all of the sudden the girls became violently ill at the same time and had to go. The party soon after found out that the elf was responsible for poisoning the girls drinks with a pianful sickness inducing toxin. Then they confronted her and learned that she was really a rogue of impressive skill.
The bards player: So let me get this straight. You made a selfish tomcat the romantic object of a jealous powerful assassin chick that is willing to maime any girl that flirts with me and will likely kill me if I try to break it off?
Me: Yup, that about sums it up.
The Bards player: This is so cool!...... you douchebag.
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I was running a game with a lecherous bard that became infstuated with a beutiful elfven woman they resuced from a bandit cave and then hired on as a cook. Later they found out the elf was really a bandit herself and had used the party to destroy her own crew and then came out of hiding pretending to be a slave once her former partners were dead. The bard had a natural 18 charisma so the elf fell for him, despite having entirely different ideas about how a relationship should work.
The bard was cavorting with several tavern girls one might in town when all of the sudden the girls became violently ill at the same time and had to go. The party soon after found out that the elf was responsible for poisoning the girls drinks with a pianful sickness inducing toxin. Then they confronted her and learned that she was really a rogue of impressive skill.
The bards player: So let me get this straight. You made a selfish tomcat the romantic object of a jealous powerful assassin chick that is willing to maime any girl that flirts with me and will likely kill me if I try to break it off?
Me: Yup, that about sums it up.
The Bards player: This is so cool!...... you douchebag.
Reminds me of a certain episode of Firefly...
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Once, during a D20 Modern campaign, after stepping off of a plane in Egypt, one player says to the DM:
"I put on my tinted sunglasses."
Also, our DM once said that the difference between Wizards and Sorcerers was that Sorcerers have 'inert' abilities.
Others:
'Liquid red hot molten magma'
'Ummmm, I, ummm, SENTENCE YOU TO DIE! FOREVER!' (the guy was playing a church inquisitor.)
And, in a Champions superhero game:
'My character is blind, but he can see crows. I mean, he sees THROUGH the crows. I mean..."
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From the ostriches-know-best department comes this event:
We are investigating an ancient tomb and suddenly find ourselves swarmed by wraiths that are using the walls and floor for cover.
Sorcerer: "I run off into the darkness!"
Rest of Party: "Why!?"
Sorcerer: "Because its dark! Now they can't see me!" (yes, he was serious)
From the god-of-knowledge department comes this exchange:
The party is in a town where the church of Boccob is the only recognized religion. Forced to deal with their clergy, the priests have made it difficult for the group to gain the information they seek from their library.
Cleric's player (ooc, aside): "I hate this Boke-obb!"
Us (ooc): "It's pronounced Bok-obb"
Cleric's player (distraught): "Boke-obb! Bok-obb! Boke-ubb! You... you guys are changing it every time!"
From the won't-be-surprised-on-my-watch department comes this bit of planning:
The party has entered a large circular room with one exit. The party rogue guards the door while the fighter and wizard move toward a statue across the room.
DM: "Cleric, what are you doing?"
Cleric: "I will stand in the corner and make sure nothing comes into he room"
DM: "The room is circular, the rogue is guarding the door..."
Cleric: "Ok... I will... stand here, along this wall, and uh... guard the wall."
DM: "Guard the wall?"
Cleric: "Yes, in case some more wraiths from upstairs come through. I will ready an action to hit wraiths if they come through this part of the wall."
DM: "Hmmmk...."
From the never-say-die department comes this demand:
The rest of the party is dead, the fighter is down to less than 5 hit points and faces a nearly full strength demon
Fighter: "This is your last chance to surrender!"
From the self-taught-school-of-magic department comes these twisted spell names
One person in our party isn't overly attentive when it comes to thing like, uh, reading. Some
of the spells he has cast in the heat of combat include:
Zone of Frost, Shearing Light, and Wand of Force
From the jaded-player department comes this quip:
The party has spent far too long OOC discussing possible plans and otherwise metagaming concerning how to resolve a difficult problem. Our "quiet player" at the table suddenly speaks up. It is a rare enough occurance that we all stop talking, waiting to here what he will say...
"I wish I played two characters too so I could stand around all day arguing with myself about what we aren't going to do."
From the you-can't-prove-otherwise department comes this occurance:
The party is in Sigil and the fighter, never having been there, falls in with the Sensates and finds himself alone with a very attractive female Sensate. Alone in his room with her, he discovers to his horror that the Sensate is actually a Marilith the party had let escape during a previous adventure. With the door locked, he is naked and trapped, and begins screaming for help as he grabs his sword and defends himself from her attacks. The other party members bash down the door and eventually dispatch the Merilith. Surveying the blood-soaked bed and the trashed room,the taunting begins:
LG Cleric: "You had sex with a demon!"
Others: "Demon-lover! You scumbag!"
Fighter: "I didn't! I... I was with the woman and then...uh...the demon teleported in and...uh...ate her... and then it attacked me!"
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My cleric of Kelemvor (god of death in FR) was an especially quiet and serious adventurer, such that the rest of the party sometimes wondered if he had a sense of humor. He endeared himself to them in one sentence, however.
The group was getting nowhere dealing with a local magistrate about increasing guard patrols, and finally the meeting came to a fruitless close. On their way out, my cleric paused to turn to the magistrate and declared,
"See you at the temple... eventually."
Beyond the Supernatural game. My character, a psychic-healer/demon hunter, and my friend's character, a ghost hunter/shaman, was facing off nephilim that had been implanted with a rage-inducing device and they were ready to kick our ass into next week.
I'm rolling high against my opponent, crit'ing left and right, while my friend is rolling good, but the GM was rolling better. My friend was doing everything he could think of to get a one-up on this enraged nephilim - dessicating touch, telekinetic gun, everything. My friend says something that keeps us rolling for five minutes.
"Great, she gets Urkel and I get Muad'ib!"
Here's one--psionic character kills a foe with Mind Thrust. For added effect, I tell him that the enemy's head exploded (nice touch, huh?), and his response is "That's what you get, b$#+&!"
This was even funnier seeing as there were about 3 more NPCs just like the one he just killed right there.
So I'm GM-ming the Shackled City in the Forgotten Realms using Crafty Games' Spycraft 2.0 System... Long story short, a lot of D20 is being reworked into the fantasy setting (not running a modern game here). Clerics and spellcasters have to roll to cast spells, and it is working out marvelously.
Anyhoo, this is about one liners, and our resident Cleric of Ilmater is trying to heal a member of the party. Said spell doesn't go off, and our wonderful cleric's response to why the spell didn't go off?
"Sorry, apparently you're an infidel."
In a battle with an angry ragomoffin, our druid friend gets scratched by the random bits of clothing and responds:
"I put a thimble on and kick this thing's a##!"
/d
First chapter of Shackled City, the party tries talking to the gnome lock guy. We're failing our rolls, and then the half orc Thuggler picks him up and starts demanding some answers. One of the PCs was Ara, a pretty halfling rogue.
Thug: We knows you knows stuff gnome! Tell us or I'll shake you into next week! I know there's a door in here and you better show it to us!
Gnome: -wails-
Ara: -jumps on Thug's back and begins to hit him with her waterskin- STOP IT! I'M TO PRETTY TO GO TO JAIL! I'M TOOOOO PREEEEETTTTY!!!
The Urban Druid interrogating some Hobgoblins sent to kill the party at the beginning of the adventure.
"Who sent you!?"
"I ain't tellin' you nuffin'! You adventurin' types can't do anyfing to me."
Player: I break his leg.
"What? My character sheet says Neutral not Nice!"
New Warforged NPC greets the party for the first time:
"GREETINGS FLESH BAGS!"
The players are on the way through a jungle to a temple inhabited by Kobolds.
ME (DM): You discover a series of trip wires, above you is a sheet you realise the silhouettes of many writhing snakes. It looks pretty complex and difficult to disarm.
Shifter Scout: Okay here's my plan! I'm going to stand in the middle of the trap. I want one of you to set it off.
Warforged Artificer: Or we could just go around, we still get the XP that way.
Shifter Scout: My plan is better, because we also get the XP for the snakes.
ME (DM): No they're part of the trap XP.
Scout: Fine, we'll go the BORING way.
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OK, there are many, so bear with me.
- My boss, Heath, was gaming with one of his friends (Mike, if you want to know). Heath and Mike were both playing paladins. Heath was an upper-crusty, affluent, arrogant holy crusader. Mike was a lower-class, streetwise champion of the people. When arriving in a town, Heath greets the populace:
Heath: Greetings, peasants!
Mike: People.
Heath: Yes, that's what I said, peasants.
Mike: You mean people, right.
Heath: Yes. Peasants.
Mike: People.
Heath: Yes. Peasants.
Mike: Never mind...
Also, I was DMing (a rare occurence) a D20 Stargate one-shot. Alex 1(AWED on the boards), Alex 2 (Dirk Gently), and Tory (Rhyan Garrow) were plaing as SG-13 on a mission to recover a zed-PM. Upon being attacked by some Ori soldiers, I advised them to take cover. Alex 2 and Tory take cover. Alex 1 begins to move straight towards the baddies.
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?
Alex 1: I'm hovering, just like you told me to.
Again, the same day, Dirk Gently was DMing The Sodden Hold for the same group (Me= Cleric4/Binder4, Alex 1= Sorcerer8, Tory= Rogue8), and we were in the bit with the invisible stalkers and the flooded pit.
Alex 1: Can I attack?
DM: Yes.
Alex 1: OK, I cast Scorching Ray.
DM: Don't you have any area effect spells?
Alex 1: I have um... Detect Magic..
DM: Let me see that... YOU HAVE FIREBALL,YOU MORON!
Alex 1: Oh...
Also, when I was GMing the Stargate game, I misspoke, and instead of asking "How high are your Hit Points?", I asked "How high are you?".
OK, there are many, so bear with me.
- My boss, Heath, was gaming with one of his friends (Mike, if you want to know). Heath and Mike were both playing paladins. Heath was an upper-crusty, affluent, arrogant holy crusader. Mike was a lower-class, streetwise champion of the people. When arriving in a town, Heath greets the populace:
Heath: Greetings, peasants!
Mike: People.
Heath: Yes, that's what I said, peasants.
Also, I was DMing (a rare occurence) a D20 Stargate one-shot. Alex 1(AWED on the boards), Alex 2 (Dirk Gently), and Tory (Rhyan Garrow) were plaing as SG-13 on a mission to recover a zed-PM. Upon being attacked by some Ori soldiers, I advised them to take cover. Alex 2 and Tory take cover. Alex 1 begins to move straight towards the baddies.
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?
Alex 1: I'm hovering, just like you told me to.
no i sayed i was crouching. you guys said i was hovering XD
From the same day as Mr. Shiny's above:
When discussing how far we'd gotten in the last session, Mr. Shiny claimed we had "made it to the boxes".
From AWED: Them which are in front of me.
And my own little quote: I made a stupid.
Also -- AWED is easily frightened by miniatures of large cats, such as tigers (I made him jump about three times durring the session >:) ).
From the same day as Mr. Shiny's above:
When discussing how far we'd gotten in the last session, Mr. Shiny claimed we had "made it to the boxes".
From AWED: Them which are in front of me.
And my own little quote: I made a stupid.
Also -- AWED is easily frightened by miniatures of large cats, such as tigers (I made him jump about three times durring the session >:) ).
then you set up those cats on your dm screen waiting 5 minutes for me to look scaring the living hell out of me... the sad part is my cats don't scare me ahhhhhhhhhhhhh DARN YOU!!! HAHAHAHAHA
So we're fighting something (gnolls?) pretty low level and after Great Cleaving through a whole bunch of them, the dwarf fighter drops his weapon, tackles the last remaining gnoll to the ground and beats him to death with his bare hands screaming,
"You're not worth my axe!"
Different campaign. Our party has captured a military type in a country we're trying to overthrow the current dictator in, and we decided to interrogate him. The paladin is in another clearing basically putting his hands over his ears and going lalalalala really loud so he won't feel obligated to step in and stop the questioning. The dwarf fighter is getting really impatient with the elf ranger's interrogation style and starts threatening to cut off the guy's toes one by one if he doesn't talk. Well, the prisoner doesn't believe him, so he chops off a toe to the horror of the rest of the good-aligned party. And every time the prisoner hesitated with an answer after that the dwarf would stand there holding his axe saying "Toe?"
This isn't really a one-liner post, but more of a drop-on-the-ground snort root beer out of your nose encounter.
I was DMing a campaign in a Bardic College, and I personally picture a bard college as something similar to a modern-day college. Mostly young people, many in their teens. Anyway, in the party were two elven women. (hubba-hubba!)
They needed some information, so one of the elves stuck her head out of the door, and called to a passing student (who was somewhere in his teens) and said:
"Um... would you...um, help me open a drawer? It doesn't seem to open for me"
After this, every body around the gaming table, including me, were rolling on the ground for about 5minutes, paralized by laughter.
Somehow this dude was named Bob, and was completely infatuated with the elf, to the point of folowing them around with his jaw dragging the floor! Now, whenever that player plays a female elf, Bob always seems to turn up somehow! (lots of fun for the DM)
Whats even funnier, the player in question is my sister! Never new she was a hooker!;-)
Yikes! Looks like I killed this tread! Sorry dudes!:-#
OK, here are some good ones:
Some random ones from today -- One player decided to "take the red potions", aka, the Alchemists fire. Another player removed a trap involving oil that catches on fire when you walk over it by using prestadigitation to remove it, and he planted his staff in the ground and parted the oil. He called himself Moses of the Dungeon.
These quotes are linked a bit:
Upon rolling initiative, one player anounced he had rolled a sex. We asked him if it was a Freudian Sleep. Which was very ironic, because I was tired at the moment. Later he said "these monsters are screwed". I assume he meant to say screwed up, but we told him to stop reading the monster porn anyway.
Some others:
A long time ago in the future.
The b!%~# needs to die.
The only way up is the stairs.
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RPG Superstar 2013 Top 32
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When preparing for battle against a large group of gnoll raiders in our game last weekend, my wizard prepared his spells accordingly and I turned to our DM and said:
"I do not have a single spell prepared today that is not capable of inflicting pain, suffering, and death."
He replied: "What about your 0-level slots?"
My answer: "All acid splash."
DM: "Damn."
Okay, in my Shackled City Campaign, we just finished a vicious fight at a roadhouse, and here are the gems:
"I have a raptor in a headlock and you're complaining about needing to take a nap?!"
--id by Hamar as he was fighting for his life... versus a deinonychus.
and a general smile and nod towards the iconic D&D rogue for our group, and his penchant for making lists:
"I'm making a Grim List"
-Said by Dorian after encountering the Stormblades for the first time, and wishing desperately to "neutralize" the arrogant nobles.
/d
Okay, in my Shackled City Campaign, we just finished a vicious fight at a roadhouse, and here are the gems:
"I have a raptor in a headlock and you're complaining about needing to take a nap?!"
--id by Hamar as he was fighting for his life... versus a deinonychus.and a general smile and nod towards the iconic D&D rogue for our group, and his penchant for making lists:
"I'm making a Grim List"
-Said by Dorian after encountering the Stormblades for the first time, and wishing desperately to "neutralize" the arrogant nobles./d
I'm am offendend* that my brilliant name for our adventuring company didn't make the quotes list. I happen to think that the "Thundering Cudgels" is a perfectly fine name.
*Not really
Well, it explains the Grim List, 'cuz you are all going to be known as the flatulant cudgels until you get out from under the Noble's thumbs... and get better wardrobes.
I`ve just run a few friends through a quick scenario where they have to lift a curse placed on a town by a very upset nature deity. Essenitially, the entire town turn into wild pigs at night, except for the local village idiot.
Lots of room there for pork and pig jokes. It was a truly hilarious night, with my fine Players well and truly on form in the bad jokes department.
Enter the PC's........
Fighter to the Cleric: "Looks like we have to go pull their fat out of the fire."
Fighter while giving the good looking (but hopelessly shy) male Bard a nudge: "That one's making pig eyes at you, baby!"
Knight: "In all honesty I shoudn`t say this, but I`ll bet that baker's wife is a real porker!"
Cleric to the hungry half-orc Barbarian: "For heavens sake don't upset them or they`ll give you a good hoofing!"
Fighter (after talk of a substanital reward from the village): "Right, time to bring home the bacon!"
Bard: "For pity's sake, I can understand while your all miserable but you dont have to wollow in it. Oh. Er... sorry".
Cleric: Hah! Pigs will fly first! <pregnant pause> No Harglukk, we can`t test that theory.
Barbarian: Owwww <puts down pig>
Barbarian: I proceed to chat up the wench.
<prgenant pause>
Me: Dude, she's got a higher Cha than you.
Barbarian: Well, duh, everyone has a higher Cha than me.
Me: In Pig Form?
Barbarian: Oh!
Barbarian: <sniffing the air> Ugh. Roast pork. Did we burn that dead goblin or has someone set fire to big house we put villagers in?
Bard <snickering> "It's snout to do with me!"
Fighter <swearing>: In a Pigs Arse we will!
Cleric <whispering to the Barbarian>: "That wasn`t an invitation.".
Barbarian <sounding disappointed>: Oh!
Bard <while interrogating the man who liekly triggered the curse and after passing his sense motive check to confirm the man was lying>: "Somebodies telling porky-pies!"
Fighter <swearing>: In a Pigs EAR!"
Cleric <to Barbarin>: Still no Harlgukk
Barbarian: Owwwwww!
Knight: Okay men, looks like we're hot to trot!
Knight: That fellow is such a boar!
Fighter <after the Rogue failed his move silently check for a backstab on the "Hunter": Well you made a pigs ear of that one didnt you!
Fighter <After the Cleric kills the Hunter with a Necklace of Fireballs>: Your pork's cooked, baby!
Fighter <At Victory Feast>: YAY! PIG OUT!!!!
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RPG Superstar 2013 Top 32
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I`ve just run a few friends through a quick scenario where they have to lift a curse placed on a town by a very upset nature deity. Essenitially, the entire town turn into wild pigs at night, except for the local village idiot.
Lots of room there for pork and pig jokes. It was a truly hilarious night, with my fine Players well and truly on form in the bad jokes department.
Enter the PC's........
I would have killed my players. Not their characters, mind you... the players. Still, awesome post.
I would have killed my players. Not their characters, mind you... the players. Still, awesome post.
Enter the PC's........
Thanks lol, the guys were truly on fine form the other night. I`ll let them know you enjoyed their antics. I`m sure I missed a few goo ones, but they were flying back and forth quicker than I could jot them down. But thats one session I won`t be forgetting in a hurry :D
lol. I like that one.
As well as my main group <which, alas, now looks like it will be breaking up due to conflicting schedules> I`ve been introducing two friends from the states to roleplaying on their day.
We played the second session earlier this week. AS there was just the three of us, we didnt get as many side-splitters as you get in larger games. But the guys really got into the roleplaying side of things quite quickly and are now well amd truly hooked.
Paris <Fighter1/Rogue2> : Very well, we shall proceed with charisma!
Darius <Druid lvl 3>: I know that I`m a druid sworn to defend nature from unholy abominations such as yourself and your some kind of festering tree-hating demon from the fieriest pits of hell. But that doesn't rule out negotiation, right?
Yes, he actually said "fieriest" as in "fire-y-ist".
The Tiefling in our game found out that he's the decendant of Orcus.
And the ranger looked over to him with a straight face and ask "How's your daddy?"
it has now become a recuring question
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My group has a penchant for emptying every room they enter of any and all small items that aren't bolted down. I was running an adventure from Dungeon (it involved wererats and sewers...can't remember the title at the moment)and the party just entered the animal "breaking/torture" room. After listing what they see, the party starts claiming things as fast as they can (for some reason, in a very innuendo-y way, I think they were all getting tired and childish):
My brother the Elf Wizard: I call the whip!
His (punk-ish) girlfriend the Human Monk: I call the collars!
Friend 1 the Dwarf Cleric: I call the ropes!
Friend 2 (whos is known to be something of a devient) the Halfling Rogue: I call the cat!
It had us rolling on the floor for a good while, and even now (I think it's a year later or so) the mere mention of cats in the game makes us laugh.