Just your average clone's page

Another one!

In a week-long one-shot adventure I ran, the players first job was to get this dagger from a display case in an auction house. They were mostly new players, like, first session new. There was a lot of clarifying what the d20 was. Anyways. The party consisted of a Cleric named Apple, a Rogue named Quickly, a paladin named Magrese, and a Wizard played by my brother who was named something wizardly like Turmon or Carnin or something. Oh, and a flaky Barbarian who didn't show up to like half the sessions named Mister Hilter.

Their plan was to get into one of the abandoned buildings surrounding the building, throw a grappling hook to the roof of the building, and get in through a skylight up there. But they first wanted to look around the building and see how many guards might see them if they did that. Here's what happened.

Quickly stealthily creeps around the perimeter in the shadows, the two guards in the front not noticing him. He sees two guards standing in front of the backdoor. Then he rolls a 1 on stealth. The guards see him immediately, turn their heads and demand that he get out, as the auction is not starting yet, and he looks suspicious. Quickly responds by drawing and firing his crossbow at one of the men, and rolls ANOTHER nat 1. The bowstring snaps as he cocks it back. The guards run up to him. Thankfully, Apple comes out from behind the corner and bribes them with a ridiculous sum of gold to shut up and let Quickly go. They still got what they wanted, which was knowing how many guards were posted, and when the auction would start. (The Wizard had asked the guards up front while Quickly went and ruined his crossbow).

So the party returned, situated in an abandoned building near the auction house an hour before the auction would start. They threw a grappling hook as planed, the paladin and cleric just barely made it across with how much ACP they had. They moved towards the skylight. The rogue asked 'So, how are we getting in without them noticing us?'. The Paladin laughs and belly-flops into the window in full plate. He gets cut for 3 damage, and then another 10 from the fall, taking out around half his HP from one stupid act. Everyone groans. Quickly throws a rope down and begins climbing down the rope. Just as he does so- the owner of the auction house comes out from his office, and sees the Glass-covered Paladin rifling through his stuff. He does not see the rope, as Quickly hid behind a box and Apple pulled up the rope.

The owner pulls out a heavy crossbow and goes defensive. The paladin offers him a bribe of 500 gold if he'll just be quiet. I quickly check the paladin code and tell him that he is now an ex-paladin. Because bribery. The table goes silent. He looks at me. 'So does that mean I can kill him?' he asks. I said 'if you want to not be neutral anymore.' He whips out his sword and stabs the man in the chest, killing him. The man was NG. He turned into an anti paladin. The entire table laughed their asses off.

That was the first session. He remained an anti-paladin for the rest of the game.

This is the tale of Maulgrum Daimondeath vs The Most High Lizard King. It is a gruesome one. It beings in a wasteland city- the only one for hundreds of miles- called Saint's Crossing. Malgrum is a Cybernetic Hobgoblin Katana-weilding Ninja afflicted with psychosis, who has power to rival that of an anime protagonist. Him and a group of adventurers had wandered off from saints crossing and made a fortress out in the wasteland. They were protected by the Lizard King and his people, who lived in the only jungle area that we knew of. In our party was a human sorcerer named Calixtria who worshiped Calistria. The Lizard King had taken a liking to Calixtria. They fell in love together. One night, after returning from an adventure we went to the bar in Saint's Crossing, and both Calixtria and Maulgrum proceeded to get abhorrently drunk, and they bought a room together at an inn and slept there. Nothing unusual happened, they just went to bed.

But that all changed when they woke up. Maulgrum's psychotic side took over. But he didn't kill Calixtria in her sleep, oh no. He convinced her- though insanely high bluff- that they had 'gotten it on' last night. Seriously. What Maulgrum didn't know, however, was that Mr. Lizard King was scrying on them at that very moment, as he had heard that his love had gone to the room of hobgoblin scum last night. He was convinced that Maulgrum had taken Calixtria from him. Then things got bad.

The Lizard King teleports next to Maulgrum. He claws him twice and bites- critically hitting- for upwards of 300 damage. Maulgrum is instantly slain. But as I was saying, Maulgrum has the power of an anime protagonist. His clone awakens on a far away cliff, smelling the sandy air. He clicks his teleport boots together, appears next to The Lizard King, and stabs him 10 times with his Katanas. the Lizard King's body is reduced to mincemeat. But what Maulgrum didn't know is that the Lizard King had a Clone of his own (yay rhymes) waiting in his throne room.

The Lizard King appears in his throne room, recollecting his own death. He decides that Maulgrum, Saint's Crossing, our fortress and everyone in it are too dangerous to be left alive. He declares war upon the entirety of the wasteland, and marches his lizard army to kill us all. And with that, the horrible mess that was the Saint's Crossing Summer Campaign ended.

Glorious.

*Snip*

That actually reminds me of a player in a shattered star game I was playing in. He practically refused combat against our EVIL enemies, despite being CG, and would randomly attack party members 'Cuz it's funny!'. He insisted that his character (a half-orc gunslinger) be called 'Pinhead' whenever someone interacted with him. His laugh sounded like that screaming goat video. I am not exaggerating when I say that. He died after he gave a fisherman 50 gp to sail him to an island, realized that the fisherman now had 50 gp on him, and wanted to kill him for the money. He pushed the man off of the boat, realized that his money was still on the fisherman, jumped in after him with no ranks in swim, and drowned. The funniest part was that he blamed the GM for his death.

We have captured Glen, master! He says 'look out for the walkers!'

Minions, go clean up the ashes of that barbarian.

I have a character named Poshment in a Giantslayer campaign. We are almost done with the 4th book. Poshment is a Gnomish mesmerist, and I made him with the specific idea that giants have poor willpower saves. I felt as if I was- in a way- gaming the system. I could not have been more wrong. From levels 1-11 Poshment has maintained a constant 20%ish success rate in forcing GIANTS to fail WILLPOWER SAVES. Up until this point, I was not even aware that a frost giant could make a DC 25 will save three times in a row. I am now enlightened, and would prefer not to be. He is by far the least effective character I have ever had. And yet I so do enjoy playing him. You know the saying 'absence makes the heart grow fonder'? Imagine that, except when the absence has stopped, giants kill each other without endangering the party at all. He has built up a magnificent relationship with the party cleric, (the only other party member from trunau) and when all else fails in way of spells, he has a rod of wonder that causes people out of game to laugh at the very though of it's use.

Overall, he may be a terrible character by measures beyond my control, but he is too fun to play for me to ever consider making another character to replace him.

Your wish is granted. Good luck.

I wish for world peace!

The Game Hamster is the only reason the world hasn't been dominated by SS:SS THRICE!

Fire up that loud
Another round of shots

Turn down for what? [x5]

Fire up that loud
Another round of shots

Turn down for what? [x5]

Fire up that loud
Another round of shots [x4]

Turn down for what? [x5]

But to truly understand good, one must be evil for contrast!

Moral standard: Turn off the lights when you leave the room

THAT'S RACIST TO BASILISKS!

Moral standard: Don't dragon-kick babies.

CLAYden CLAYlean

Rovagug did nothing wrong!

In the words of a poorly worded three days grace song:

I will not die, I will survive, I'll wait here for you!

372: the bean grows into a small booklet that functions as a codex of the infinite planes, but only weighs 1/2 a pound. Sadly, the compression of all of this magical energy increases the DC of any spell effects created by the book that apply to the caster 10 higher.

Roastmaster

71: don't cast obscuring mist when the enemy has a wand of fireball and we are in a small, celingless room. Please.

371: The planter is affected by Insanity as per the spell, but only when someone around them farts.

367: A holy avenger grows, but GOOD characters that touch it gain negative levels.

368: The bean rises up out of the ground and begins glowing, as per the light spell, with a couple exceptions.

1) the light counts as natural sunlight for the purposes of harming creatures and growing plants.

2) the light cannot be extinguished by anything short of a miracle or wish (though covering it in many layers of fabric or other such material still works to dampen the light).

*scrambles to catch head*
*trips over old comments*
*head falls into endless void*

Noooooooooooooo...

366: The planter gains a fear of beans. This functions as per the Phobia insanity, and cannot be cured by anything short of a miracle, wish, or divine intervention.

But as more bestiaries are published, the number of undead from a single body will increase, so the students would never truly have the correct answer D:

Well from what I can find:

Isitoq (2), Eyes
Crawling hand (2), Hands
Beheaded or Demilich (1), Head
Shredskin (1), Skin
Skeleton (1 headless), Bones
Tekenu (1), Organs
Ghost or other incorporeal (1), spirit.

and in the right conditions:

Pickled Punk (1), fetus.

You could possibly use the remaining gore to make the worst zombie ever, but you'd probably be better off using it for a Hungry Flesh and some Boilborn oozes.

You can actually make a zombie out of a skeleton-less corpse. Zombies don't need skeletons, heads, hands, eyes, skin, spirits, or organs to attack, so there would be a lot of bashing with the forearms.

+1 zombie
+1 undigested swarm

Total: 11 undead (so far)

Well from what I can find:

Isitoq (2), Eyes
Crawling hand (2), Hands
Beheaded or Demilich (1), Head
Shredskin (1), Skin
Skeleton (1 headless), Bones
Tekenu (1), Organs
Ghost or other incorporeal (1), spirit.

and in the right conditions:

Pickled Punk (1), fetus.

You could possibly use the remaining gore to make the worst zombie ever, but you'd probably be better off using it for a Hungry Flesh and some Boilborn oozes.

You can actually make a zombie out of a skeleton-less corpse. Zombies don't need skeletons, heads, hands, eyes, skin, spirits, or organs to attack, so there would be a lot of bashing with the forearms.

+1 zombie
+1 undigested swarm

364: The bean grows into a cup that can produce an infinite amount of salt, but only if the salt is scooped out from the cup (turning the cup upside down does not do anything).

365: One year passes immediately. Hilarity ensues.

What about an adamantine spoon?

A fantastic pun involving 'chestnuts roasting on an open fire'

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Ok, so a rope dart is listed as being: ' a 12-foot rope with a 6-inch-long, conical metal spike at the end'. I foresee a couple problems with this.

1) 20 ft. range increment. How is a 12.5 foot long weapon going to reach 20 feet and still allow you to pull it back as a free action?

2) 20 ft. range INCREMENT. How can you pull 100 ft. of total length out of a 12.5 foot long rope and STILL BE ABLE TO WHIP IT BACK INTO YOUR HAND AS A FREE ACTION. This makes no sense.

Is there a logical explanation? Because the rope dart description doesn't give one.

I know there is some talk about this over on the How does a rope dart function? thread. (located here: http://paizo.com/threads/rzs2oz9c?How-does-a-rope-dart-function), but it was not the main topic.

You'll slip and slide on this banana peel!

My words flow from my mouth, and into your ears...

Cuup wrote:

The Cult Totem line of Rage Powers from HA are OK by themselves, but say you have an entire tribe of Kobold Barbarians taking the same Rage Powers? Attacks of Opportunity for days!

Those kobolds would be even scarier backed up by a skald who could grant them linnorm death curse rage powers.

Oh, you killed a single kobold? HOW ABOUT YOU'RE STAGGERED!? 'How long?', you ask? FOREVER, MORON!

I am almost incapable of playing paranoia. I have a very hard time screwing other players over.

I do not like warhammer, and yet my google account has a space marine as the profile picture.

I refused to play a spell caster for the first 1 and a half years of my RPG obsession.

I once made an mythic alchemist who could do nothing but brew potions. We had one hour before we left to explore a dungeon. I brewed everyone in our five person party two potions of cure mod and an invisibility potion by the end of that hour. And then proceeded to not damage anything for the entire dungeon, because I was almost incapable of dealing considerable damage.

My first four pathfinder characters were named 'Blaze'

The fifth was named Frost.

Help

The only voice I use for characters makes them sound like they chain-smoke every day.

I construct characters that either cannot contribute to combat at all, or will destroy any combat in 1-4 rounds.

I collected roughly $280 USD worth of DnD 4e books. When I was 9. Seriously. Hanukah.

I love to gm, but can never bring myself to kill characters, no matter how much they should be d-e-d dead.

My very first rpg character ever was a 4e dragon born fighter who never used a sword. They carried around 5 gallons of oil and a box of matches at all times.

My very first rpg character nearly burned down our boat when we were attacked at sea.

I own the first ever printed copy of ponyfinder. (It even says 'proof' on the very last page)

358: The nearest corpse on the surface of the planet that the bean is planted on becomes a plague zombie.

Khepri.

As you can see, I have very high standards of worship.

Back in my day, people posted on this thread!

I suggest you leave now, lest I call safety bear to sort you out!

No.

Well, I ruined it.

All of this is great, but ChaosTicket, seriously. Get some friends.

(This was meant to be sarcastic, in case offense is taken)

When you should have died five times now, but instead you have a contingency true resurrection combo cast on you twenty times.

#lelevel20problems

Huzzah! Let safety reign until the end of this thread!

*bows*

Back in my day, when wights showed up, you ran.

Later, you would ask the DM why he was being a dick.

Don't fire until you see the eyes of their wights!

When you have so much gold you have to waste a type V bag of holding to carry it all, you most definitely are having a #level20problem

A nation evolves
But to evolve much faster
You need aliens.

Wait, are we doing #level20problems or the rhyming thing?

GoatToucher. No others.

mass suffocation would do it, imagine having the breath sucked out of you until you die. With enough description, that would be really, really horrifying to any group of reasonably good PCs

the villain could also just trap a bunch of people in a small room and burn them alive.

And that sad old xorn is always looking forlorn...

1) That's a pretty sizable crater.

2) Molten Dragon, you are hereby...

3) WHO'S THAT POKEMON?

1) Who are you, how did you find me, and why aren't you gone yet?

2) I'm pretty sure that will give you cancer.

3) Ok, so maybe that wasn't the BEST idea...

Back in my day, D&D 3.5 was released.

I'm too young for this...

355: 00% ROLL TWICE AND COMBINE!