Clousuk, Kobold Investigator's page

The car shook as the the spirit gas engine took the train around what was probably a wicked curve (actually a small hill). Clousuk could not bring himself to look through the slats of the horribly rickety (actually solidly made) wooden storage car. His clever ship-himself-to-Rome plan was seeming to have become more and more the horrible-train-engine-death-his-enemies-had-planned-all-along plan. His scales were most likely to be permanently green going forward.

Clousuk tried to remember the good ol' days when it had only been assassins and a crazy Clockwork Theater trying to kill him instead of this infernal hell machine racing at meteoric speeds breaking the sound barrier (actually a mild 100/kps). Would there be any familiar faces to mourn his passing when his lifeless body was discovered in the wooden crate in the back? Surely not. The world's greatest detective would be die an ignominious death here in the back of this spirit train...

This woebegone thought was once again interrupted as the lunch Clousuk had eaten a week ago tried to come up. It had to be a week ago since he had already lost today's and yesterday's and the day before that...

Elsewhere...

Clousuk stared at the smoking remnants of his office. He had stepped out to yell at one of the serv-bots regarding the current temperature on his floor when he was knocked flat by the concussive wave of an explosion. He had been only a short ways down the stairs at the time.

Looking from side to side, he saw that the damage seemed to be contained mostly on his section of the floor. It occurred to him that this could have been a targeted attack.

With a short but audible squawk, Clousuk quickly hurried to the end of the hall towards the maintenance dumb waiter. Crawling inside, he heard the first sounds of men and women shouting and crying. Clousuk scrambled down the shaft to the basement level where he knew a passage into the sewers he was small enough through which to squeeze.

He peered out the opening. No one was in the maintenance room. Good. He would hopefully be unnoticed as he left. His scaly tail swished across the floor as he hurried to find the right crate. Clousuk was finally hip to something which had been true for a while.

Someone was trying to kill him!

Richard wheeled the small waste bin out the side door and down the ramp. One of the clockwork figures was reattaching itself to the wall of the Theater's exterior. It paused and its telescopic eyes seem to zero in on Richard. It gave him a once over and then a mechanical gurgle of Identity accepted was heard, and the machine completed its transition. Suddenly, it looked like nothing more than some of the random bits of clockwork that were already spinning and whirring. One leg and arm actually seemed to fit right where two pipe joints met up. The thing was basically invisible to anyone who hadn't witnessed the clever camouflage.

Richard tried to suppress an involuntary shudder. The soiled linens in the waste bin shifted slightly.

"Not just yet..." the man muttered under his breath. The linen's movement subsided.

Richard continued nervously down the ramp and came to the walkway leading to the Theater's perimeter. The Tesla Field was emitting a small hum, not the deadly zapping and violent sparking of earlier. Richard's eyes shifted from side to side waiting for them to flare up. The linens seemed to make small sniffing and snorting noises. The ozone from the Field must have brought that on, Richard surmised. As he passed the barrier without incident, Richard let out an audible breath he hadn't realized he had been holding.

"Oh, we're through. Phew," Richard sagged visibly.

The linens exploded up in a mess, and uniforms for the Theater staff (some mysteriously burnt, wet with odd substances, or stained with vibrant colorsteam) were sent all over as a kobold shape object burst from the interior.

"Waaaaaaugh! Ze opera! Ze opera! No moor opera!" the investigator burst out. "We were almost keeled in zer!"

Clousuk leaped to grab the side of the waste bin and fished around inside while holding his small reptilian body of copper scales with one claw. Astonishingly, he pulled his slightly rumpled silk hat out of the mess. Dropping back down to the ground, Clousuk clapped the woebegone hat onto his head.

"Ze Zpirit Zief Girl got away again! But we will prevail, Reeshard! We must regroup, and find out what we can about zis Aleece."

Richard's mouth opened flabbergasted and he couldn't stop a reflexive look back at the imposing structure of the Clockwork Theater. "B-b-but...the Theater...!"

Clousuk waved away the concerns with a clawed hand. "Oui, oui, ze Theater iz a problem. Zey do not know ze difference between un dragon and un kobold. We will deal wiz zat later. Come, we have much to report to ze League regarding zis. We are zooo close! Ze Zpirit Zief Girl had assazins waiting for us!" The plucky kobold marched off into the early morning mists towards their office.

Richard sighed and started to follow with the bin. His melancholy only grew when he realized two blocks later he was doing so.

Panicking, Clousuk toggles the "Assassins" emergency switch several more times. Each time, the pleasant woman's voice can be heard explaining how futile it is for the assassins to be trying this trick. Clousuk looks at the little Serv-Bot watching him.

"What am I zuppozed to do?!" Clousuk asks of the little clockwork.

Its telescopic eye focuses on Clousuk and then it seems to shrug. Hopping up on Clousuk's tail, the Serv-Bot runs along it and pulls itself up to Clousuk's shoulder. Then putting one little hand over its telescopic eye, the little clockwork presses a random switch...

Not having expected this, Clousuk's eyes go wide and he bellows, "Braaaaaaaack!

Whoever posts first can decide what button the Serv-Bot pushed.

Clousuk tumbles end over end until he collides with something and knocks it over. Clutching his poor head, he looks around and sees a small Serv-Bot picking itself up and attempting to reattach one of its arms which must have come loose in the collision.

"Ah! You are ze Serv-Bot! Help! Help!" Clousuk bursts out. "Assazines! Zho me how to alert of an emergencie."

With a click! the arm fits securely into a socket. Testing the simple clasping appendage, the Serv-Bot seems to be satisfied it's in working order. It's telescopic eye whirs as it focuses on Clousuk.

After hearing him, the small clank points to the wall and and then hops on a valve sticking out of the floor. He puts his tiny hand into a small recess and a nearly invisible panel opens. Clousuk scuttles over, his toe talons slightly tearing the lush carpet on the hallway floor. In front of him, Clousuk sees several levers and buttons. A helpful message says "Find your emergency". Each button is labeled things like 'Fire', 'Flood', 'Gas Leak'. But as Clousuk looked further, he found levers and switches labeled things much stranger like, 'Chaos Beast Polymorph', 'Dimensional Rift Resonance', 'Dinosaur Attack', and 'Massri Possession'. His head whirling as he heard fighting behind him, Clousuk finally found one labeled, 'Assassins'.

With a cry of "Exactement!" Clousuk throws the lever.

Blaring klaxons begin echoing through Clockwork Theater. Some whirling red lights pop out of the ceiling and begin spinning. A pleasant woman's voice begins to speak.

"ATTENTION, ASSASSINS. YOU HAVE BEEN DISCOVERED. AS WE KNOW ASSASSINS ARE SNEAKY AND COULD BE ANYONE, ALL THOSE BIOLOGICAL LIFEFORMS WHO ARE NOT CONFIRMED EMPLOYEES OF THE THEATER WILL NOW BE PURGED FROM THE PREMISES. THANK YOU FOR ALLOWING US TO TEST OUR ANTI-ASSASSIN PROGRAM WITH YOUR PRESENCE TODAY."

"Waaaaaagh!" Clousuk squawks at the announcement. "Oh noes! Zis iz not what we wanted at all! What have you done??" Clousuk rounds on the small Serv-Bot while throwing his hands in the air. The Serv-Bot sees Clousuk's stare and looks around. When it sees nothing else close by, it points at itself and emits a questioning chirp.

"Aaack!" Clousuk attempts to throw the lever back into its starting position in order to turn off the alarm. The pleasant woman's voice begins speaking again.

"AH-AH-AH. YOU CAN'T SHUT IT DOWN THAT WAY, ASSASSIN. AND THANK YOU FOR CONFIRMING YOUR LOCATION SINCE ONLY AN ASSASSIN WOULD HAVE TO FEAR THIS ALARM AS ONLY CONFIRMED CLOCKWORK THEATER EMPLOYEES ARE ON THE PREMISES AT THIS TIME."

Clousuk's nose seems to wilt at this announcement.

Clousuk was beside himself. There she was, the Spirit Girl Thief. It had to be. A little younger than the drawings and images had led him to believe, but the way her hair was styled, her face, her sneaky mannerisms...it had to be! And yet, there she was taunting him with his squashed hat where his handcuffs were located even as the silly noble he had saved dragged him away! He just couldn't seem to catch his breath to properly communicate, and Clousuk continued to sputter.

When the blue alien dropped from the vent, Clousuk was at last at least able to end his squawking. As his eyes widened, a different sound finally emerged:

"RICHARD!!!

Clousuk realizes there aren't actually any birds circling his head. For a moment he was sure they were there to eat him. Then they resolved into a log, and he was now confidant they weren't actually birds. Or 'it' wasn't actually a bird. Or that the birds weren't actually a log. Or birds sitting on a log. Maybe they had all flown high and dropped their log perch on his head in an unheard of display of cooperation.

As he vision continued to clear, he looked up into the pretty face of the Spirit Girl Thief though her hair was blond and looked even younger than he expected. The fuzzy image resolved itself into the large eyes and concerned look of Alyce. As his mind reengaged, Clousuk realized he had his long sought quarry before him. In this pivotal moment of his life and career, Clousuk wondered what had become of Richard.

"Waaaarrrk!" Clousuk exclaimed from his prone position, and immediately began patting his coat awkwardly for his handcuffs. As Alyce held his slightly mangled top hat, Clousuk realized the devices he sought were tucked inside of it.

"Reeerrck! Clousuk squawked.

Clousuk cocks his head and fixes Vorian with a single reptilian eye. His feet's talons making a slight grating sound as he hustles along with his now conscious companion still gripped in his hands tightly overhead. He flicks his tail into an 'S' shape along Vorian's view.

"Away...from...zem!" the kobold huffs between breaths.

The tip of the kobold's tail points back into the shaft. The soft fluorescence of the colorsteam permeating the shaft slightly illuminates two dark clad figures who run soundlessly towards them. The lead figure flings his hand out towards Vorian, and something begins to whistle through the air.

As the nobleman comes down on top of him, Clousuk lets out a squawk. The two slide further down the colorsteam shaft. As they slide, Clousuk finds himself wondering exactly what color this one is or if it is another rainbow one. He realizes how silly these thoughts are, and shakes his head to clear them. The two humanoids slowly stop as the shaft evens out.

The man called Vorian is still solidly on top of him, dazed from knocking his head into the kobold's thick skull. A sudden roar of applause echoing up the shaft snaps Clousuk out of his reverie. He instinctively inhales in response to the sudden noise, and the scent of his attackers fills his nostrils.

Non! Zis cannot be how it endz!

With a sudden heave, the little reptillian agent lifts Vorian's semi-conscious body over his head. Then with a burst of adrenaline born of survival, Clousuk runs down the shaft looking for a way out.

"We are away, Monsieur! Clousuk cries trying to be heard over the cheers of the audience as the opera ends. "I will zave uz!"

In his dazed state, Vorian notices that somehow, despite whatever ordeal brought the investigator into these shafts, Clousuk still had his pretty silk top hat perched jauntily on his head. Absurdity was certainly not in short supply here at the Clockwork Theater.

The small kobold hears a clattering from inside the vent. The sound comes closer...

"Waaaauuugghh!" Clousuk shrieks as the gentleman adventurer comes barreling into view. Clousuk's low-light reptilian showed the kobold he probably didn't have enough time to get out of the way...but with claws scrabbling on the metallic vent, he sure tries.

The little kobold reaches out a short arm for whatever it is the man above him is holding out. After waving it around uselessly for a minute, Clousuk lets out an frustrated sound.

"Waaaugh! I cannot reach it!" Clousuk says nasally.

His reptilian hearing brings the whisper of a sound to his ears beyond the renewed singing and music.

"Monsieur! I believe zerr is zomeone - or zometing - behind you."

The League Agent can't help but look over his own shoulder as he says this. Blessed darkness greets his eyes.

"Ah! You are not zee mist phan-tome! Zis is good! Bien sûr!" comes the cry. "Ztay where you are! I, Investigator Clousuk, will be zer shortly."

Vorian hears a sudden scrabbling of claws. The sound seems to come closer, but then suddenly a loud SQUEEEEEEAAAAK indicates whatever clawed limbs were approaching no longer seem to be able to keep their purchase and are sliding away. A loud undignified clunk! is heard at the bottom of the downward opening.

"Merde! I cannot climbz to you! It iz too zteep." The voice of the kobold sounds very plaintive.

Clousuk stops scrabbling along the vent system when somewhere above him a "Hello?" echoes.

"Qui est là? Who iz zpeaking à moi?"

Kobolds are not easily understood by humans, and most likely these assassins didn't quite know what they were dealing with when they attempted to jump Clousuk. Currently, the erstwhile investigator was peering up at the assassins from one of the colorsteam service vents trying not to tremble.

The assassins were lightning quick and had managed to grab him when they ambushed him. But humans always seemed to forget that kobolds are all long claws and sharp teeth and slick scales. He had managed to slip through their grasp only to be pounced again quickly. The next time he had raked a sensitive area and escaped again. The assassins had been less than pleased and used some ninja powers or something to catch up with him again.

This ninja thing was very useful, Clousuk determined. He might have to look into learning some of it once he had brought these fiends to justice.

Where was Richard? Clousuk had thought he was right behind him before it had turned out to be the assassins.

Just then, the whole building shifted.

"Sacre bleu!" Clousuk hissed startled. The assassins' heads whipped around at the noise. At that moment, there was a creaking as pieces of the wall simply detached. Clousuk's squawk of surprise was much more audible this time, but the assassins were now much more busy as the clockwork and other apparatus began to attempt to grab them.

Clousuk noticed some movement to his left inside the vent. He saw a strange tendril of what appeared to be spirit gas drifting toward him. It seemed to be moving almost with a sentience. That unnerved the little kobold and he scampered further down the shaft. Suddenly, there was nothing below his claws, and the League Agent tumbled into the darkness.

Even as the figure grabs Clousuk, the investigator lets out a loud screech.

"RRIIICCHHAAARRRDDD!!!"

The figure quickly clamps Clusuk's muzzle closed and slips a tight sock like sack over the kobold's snout. Clousuk struggles like a wild thing, but a second figure steps up and pins Clousuk's limbs while the first figure begins to truss him with cords. Curse his scaly hide for trying to hide behind the steam pipe! No one could see what was happening!

He finally gets a good look at his assailants. Clad in midnight black, he can only assume they are assassins from the one of the Asian clans.

He should have just stayed in his seat.

Richard knew the watchers hadn't made their move because he and Clousuk were right smack in the middle of the less wealthy merchants and commoners who had saved for the treat of the opera. So when the curtain fell for intermission, he was wary. Of course, Clousuk being unaware bolted for the exit almost before anyone else could even stand.

The common folk were much more accustomed to kobolds, so their cries of astonishment were more from Clousuk's insensitive dash past their seats as the League Agent rudely scrambled past them, tailing jostling those he whipped past.

"Clousuk!" Richard stage whispered in vain for the creature was already in the aisle. Sighing in frustration, Richard began his own jostling to the sound of much cursing.

Clousuk ran ahead and managed to catch a glimpse of Lady Cassandra DuSollier walking out onto the balcony. He ducked behind a colorsteam pipe to observe the aristocrat as she stared wistfully out upon the lake. He let out a low hiss when the Tesla Field drops for late arrivals and early departures. Clousuk smells something...foul now that the odor of electricity and ozone has started to dissipate. It's somehow familiar.

Clousuk snaps out of his reverie when Cassandra returns to the opera house interior and steals her date back from a gaggle of some of the more disreputable upper class ladies. He just couldn't understand humans' silly mating games. It certainly seemed that most of human behavior was pretty much a pretense for reaching the point where enough pretense had elapsed for mating to be "justified". Clousuk didn't understand why humans just didn't get on with it.

"Sacré Bleu!" Clousuk exclaims when Lady Rashida Massri enters the opera house. For a human female, there was no doubt about the beauty of her face and body's artistic lines. While not attracted to her in a familiar way, even Clousuk could understand that the noble was indeed astonishingly beautiful.

Clousuk half turns to the figure coming up behind him. "Richard...we have no evidence zat DuSollier is the Zpirit Girl Zief, so for now I zink we should keep our eyez on ze ones most likely to be zieved from. Non? Richard? Richard?" Clousuk turns fully.

But it wasn't Richard.

Richard watched as Clousuk sulked not being able to monitor Cassie and her date from where the agent and his secretary sat on the third balcony.

"Bah! We must azk pour an increeze to cover zee expenses of watching zee nobles from a better vantage point!" Clousuk complained.

"Mmhmm," Richard murmured noncommittally. He had already noticed at least three of the theater employees were paying much greater attention to them today than when the pair was here last. Something was amiss.

Clousuk watches Cassie walk away with her over-possessive date. He taps a single clawed digit on his snout.

"Zer is zumzing familiar about la fille, Richard," he hisses.

"Yes sir, it the Lady Cassandra DuSollier. We have met her several times. She always seems to be present at the parties where the Spirit Thief has struck," Richard says wearily a low voice.

"Ah-ha! Yes, DuSollier...widow, no? Hmmm...perhaps zum observation is in order." Clousuk decisively throws the color-soaked handkerchief onto the floor where a Serv-Bot with a vacuum hose nose rushes over and sucks it into the tank on its back. He turns tail and begins to stalk after the pair.

Richard looks woefully at the Vacu-Bot that just absconded with his handkerchief and then turns and follows the kobold into the theater.

If his scales weren't already a reddish hue, Clousuk might have been blushing. Or maybe that was some of the colorsteam residue.

"I azhure, Madame, I am no voyeur. I only watch ze nobles in zecrit when zay haves zomezing to hide." It occurs to Clousuk, that may have not been reassuring. And possibly only reaffirmed the statement.

He makes some nervous chittering noises and then says, "Ah...what I meant wahz...I investigate secretz but only for zee self-satisfaction of zee League members." He putters again. "Zat iz to zay...for purpose of finding out zee nefarious zings...zoze zings zee people do in zee dark, under cover from zee nekkid eye. Uh...I am trying to zay..."

These fumblings continue until someone interrupts.

Clousuk notices the young man holding the pretty woman in a death grip of possessiveness. Zis one bears watching.

"If you muzt, Monsieur, you may accompany uz," Clousuk offers graciously.

"Ah! But forgive moi. I am Agent Clousuk of ze League of Ariztocracy Internal Review Committee." Clousuk sweeps his top hat off of his scaled head and bows to Cassie. Noticing some spots of color, he tries to casually shake them loose. Standing straight he turns his head slightly and gives Cassie a rather pointy tooth smile. Maybe it would have been dashing, but the rainbow color of his teeth make it comical.

Clousuk is examining a clockwork display which has several small figurines moving around what appeared to be the comedy of Hamlet. Clousuk thinks its that scene where Ophelia goes mad with desire and hunts Hamlet down through the castle with a poisoned blade while espousing her undying love. Richard had run off again, Clousuk could hear him sputtering apologies it sounded like. Richard would have liked this display.

He hears a human woman's playful tone. It seems close by.

"Sir, you wallet! I found it on the floor."

Clousuk wondered aloud, "What fewl would comes to ze Oper-ha wizout paying attenshun to hiz wal-lette?

Clousuk felt a tap on his shoulder. Richard was there with a long-suffering expression. He gestured slightly to the side where a dazzling human woman was addressing him. There is something very familiar about her...

Seeing she now has attention, the lady speaks again,

"So Inspector, here to enjoy the music or catch some dastard? I heard that there was a vile criminal in town?"

Suddenly, Clousuk notices the proffered wallet. It looks like his! "Squraaaag!" he squawks in surprise. And the woman just said there was a vile villain loose! Oh no! A villain in the opera house who was already playing games of cat and kobold with him by trying to steal his wallet!

He spins quickly to retrieve the billfold. His tail meanwhile whips around and knocks loose a cable under the clockwork display. The now unattached cable vents a small dose of color steam on him, and Clousuk's suit coat and hat is now a riot of rainbow colors. Sveral people around them begin to laugh heartily. Richard groans behind him.

Feeling ridiculous, Clousuk attempts to salvage his dignity with a small flick of a clawed digit to help dislodge some orange on his great nose.

"I meant to do zat. For ze comdeie, or course."

Richard has produced a handkerchief and begun to dab at the blue on Clousuk's hat producing little puffs of color. Clousuk swats angrily at him and snatches the handkerchief. He than proceeds to almost nonchalantly pat at the loose color not already drifting away or evaporating.

"Zank you, Madame. You are most kind and very zmart to come to moi pour protectshi-on. If you are afraid of zis villain, I would be happy to ezcort you tonight."

The pedicab suspended by a mini-dirgible balloon stops before the opera house, Clousuk the Kobold Investigator and the only Agent of the League of Aristocracy's Internal Review Committee jumps out. Somewhere between here and his office, Clousuk had managed to find a tuxedo coat and vest and a tail cuff that would have made him quite dashing...if any other kobolds were around. As it were, only he and Richard his secretary emerge from the pedicab. Clousuk's top hat and eye monocle feel a little silly, but he knows he has to blend in at such an social event.

A young girl in a newsboy cap and goggles jumps down from the pedal control seat. She grins and holds out her hand. Clousuk makes a shows of reaching into his pocket for his wallet. He offers the girl what's in his hand.

"Er, well, sir. I need money," she says bluntly. Clousuk looks down and sees the end of a mop in his hand.

"Braaaak!" Clousuk bursts out. Throwing the mop head away angrily, Clousuk begins patting down his pockets quickly. His nose droops dejectedly when he realizes his wallet isn't there. A long sigh is heard, and Richard offers the near-woman a few coins.

The pair make there way to the ticket changer where the helmetcat exchanges their tickets for some copper pins fashioned to look like letters. The two make their way inside as a crowd of clamoring women fuss over some famous actor or some such.

"Tut, tut!" exclaims the kobold at the melee, and having already forgotten he is missing his wallet snatches a wine glass from a Serv-Bot's tray destined for another party's table.