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A blonde enters the airliner and sits in first class, but she doesn't have a first class ticket.
A flight attendant asks her to go back to coach. The blonde just looks forward and says, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York!"
Other flight attendants try to get her to move, but she continues to respond, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York!"
Finally, a flight attendant says, "I have an idea", and walks over and whispers something to her. "Well, why didn't you say so!?", the blonde says, and she gets up and moves back to coach.
The other flight attendants ask, "What did you say to her?" He responds, "I told her first class isn't going to New York."
Bad jokes abound, as I'm from Down-Under(dark) (Australia)
Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
It was dead
Why did the 2nd koala fall from the tree?
It was stapled to the 1st
The 3rd koala?
Thought it was a game
The 4th?
Peer pressure
Why did the kangaroo die?
Koalas kept falling on his head.
Why did the plane crash?
The pilot was a platapus.
Why did Jim fall off his bike?
He had no arms
Why did Jane fall of her bike?
Someone threw a fridge at her.
hehe those were wierdly funny Tommyknocker hehe.
A blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of
"yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet Yes for Heads and No for tails. Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour. But I'm rechecking my answers."
How do you drown a blonde?
Why doesn't Texas slide into the Gulf of Mexico?
** spoiler omitted **
Why is it so windy in Oklahoma?
So...an old man and his old lady are sitting on the porch sipping lemonaides; when the old lady gets up and smacks the old man right out of his chair. The old man says; what the heck was that for; the old lady says; for 52 years of bad sex.; man says oh; they get back in their chairs; sipping their lemonaides when all of a sudden; the old man gets up and really slaps the taste out of the old lady; she falls off her chair and slids down the steps and says: what the heck was that for; the old man replies: for knowing the difference.
A single mom decides she's going to teach her foul-mouthed, ungrateful children some manners. When they're sitting at the table, she asks what they want for breakfast; the first one says "gimme some g$##~*ned Cheerios" and without warning she backhands him out of the chair. When she asks the second kid, he shakes his head and says "I dunno, but I sure don't want any of them g#*&@@n Cheerios!"
What do call a man with a spade in his head?
What do you call a man without a spade in his head?
What do you call a man laying in a bog.
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Also from Oz where absurdism rules our terrible jokes:
A man walks into a shop with two bananas in his ears. The shop keeper looks at him and says: "Mate you've got bananas in your ears."
The man looks at him and says: "YOU'LL HAVE TO SPEAK UP I'VE GOT BANANAS IN MY EARS."
How about one with a little cultural specificity:
What's the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?
Andy.
"Andy sang, Andy watched, Andy waited 'til his Billy Boiled..."
Now for something a little more universal.
Why couldn't the skeleton jump off the cliff?
Why didn't the ghost go to the dance?
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Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphault under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
Ever heard the one about the cannibal who dumped his girlfriend?
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
That one hurt my head. Ow.
Ba-dum!
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Whats the difference between a teacher and a train?
How many trombonists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
How many trumpet players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
How many tuba players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
So a conductor was leading the band through the entirety of Beethoven's 9th symphony. During this piece the tuba players had an entire movement where they were allowed to rest. Looking around one finds that a bar is nearby and points it out to his buddies. They quickly duck out of the band, and rush to the bar, getting hammered to all hell.
It comes time to reach the final movement of the symphony, when the conductor looks up and groans thinking to himself, "Its the bottom of the ninth, and the bases are loaded!"
~*~
A conductor is leading the band through a piece, and eventually the trumpets reach a part where he knows they are supposed to be quiet. However, for some reason his lead trumpet player, keeps his horn up and continues to play ruining the piece. After the show he marches right up to the man and begins his conniption, "What in the HEEL were you thinking? You were supposed to be silent!"
"But conductor, the piece said tacit, so I took it!"
Two blondes are walking in the street.
The first one says : "Oh! Look! A dead bird!"
The second one looks in the sky and asks "Where? Where?"
How do you get a <guitarist/drummer/artist/freelancer> off your porch?
** spoiler omitted **
ROFL...
What do you call a guy who hangs around with musicians?
What do you call the lead guitarist of a band that doesn’t have a girlfriend?
me too; big chuckle hehe
ROFL...How do you get a <guitarist/drummer/artist/freelancer> off your porch?
** spoiler omitted **
hey; a day without sunshine is like...night.
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
Save the whales; collect a whole set.
On the other hand....you have different fingers.
Clones are people two.
42.7 percent of statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest of them a bad name.
From Stephen Wright:
"I once put instant coffee in the microwave. I almost went back in time."
What do you call a guy who hangs around with musicians?
** spoiler omitted **I was in a band a few years back, and the version we always got was "What do you call a guy who hangs around with musicians?"
** spoiler omitted **
Guess which guy I was.
a groupie? :P
a groupie? :P
The roadie, I'm guessing.
who knows any good "You're Mommy" jokes?
Do you mean "Your Mommy," or are you implying that the butt of the joke is uncertain regarding the state of her own maternity?
Under the understanding that they are not aimed at anyone, who knows any good "You're Mommy" jokes?
Yo mama's so ugly she has to hang a pork chop around her neck just to get the dog to play with her.
Three blondes were walking through the forest when they found some very noticeable tracks.
Blonde #1: "Why look at those big tracks! I bet they are bear tracks."
Blonde #2: "Oh no! My brother is a hunter and those are definitely elk tracks."
Blonde #3: "You're both completely blind. They are obviously the tracks of a mountain lion."
An older cannibal was showing a younger hunter the ropes, and they were enjoying their first hunted meal. The older cannibal was sampling a nice meaty shoulder portion and looked down the body at the younger cannibal.
"How is everything? Enjoying your meal?"
The younger man chewed slowly and smiled. "It's going great. I'm having a ball."
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning,
the wife (undoubtedly blonde also), picked up the phone, listened a
moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
the husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know, some Woman wanting to know 'if the
coast is clear.'
well, I dont know any momma jokes offhand; but being blonde I know lots of these:
Two blondes are walking down the street: One notices a compact on
the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it; looks in
the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde
hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
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hey; a day without sunshine is like...night.
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
Save the whales; collect a whole set.
Jesus saves... BUT GRETZKY SCORES!
If I wasn't here, there'd just be a pile of clothes on the floor.
I have multiple personality disorder, and so do I.
Also:
"When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was."
- Mitch Hedberg