Illustration by Tyler Clark

Goblins Terrorize Bathhouse: Cunning Plan Revealed As Many Local Hunting Dogs Found Dead

Friday, December 11, 2009

Earlier this year, fellow intern Matt and I were invited to begin playing in a Pathfinder RPG game run by local resident Crystal Frasier. We accepted, and Matt, Ross Byers (later to leave us for reasons involving Will saves and girl-cooties), and I began our quest to become... The Stuff of Legends. Deciding to make my life difficult, I made Klar, the burly and buff bluffing bard, Matt rolled up Zirithanis the hobo druid and Destroyer-of-Worlds-Fetcher-of-Dreams-Maxwell, his longtime friend and goblin-hating murderous dog of war, while Ross Byers began his quest as the excessive sorcerer, Aurelis. Our team assembled, The Stuff of Legends' first dabble into adventuring follows.

Meeting with the mayor, we understood that we were to stop mysterious sabotage attempts on a hopeful resort town in the Varisian Gulf. Naturally, our business powwow was interrupted by screams: Goblins had invaded the bathhouse! Having studied Goblinoid languages in a Chelish Opera College, I tried to negotiate with them, but their crude language and dubious use of the honorifics "dog-lover" and "ugly-face," made communication difficult. While I eventually gained their trust, my inquiries into why they would invade a bathhouse were met with confusion over failed translations of the words "bath," "clean," "soap," and "hot water." They began to suspect that I wanted to cook them, eventually leading us to armed conflict.

After Maxwell the Dog dispatched two of the goblins (Aurelis proved his worth as an electric stove, cooking one with shocking grasp), we entered the bathhouse, only to be ambushed again! Two stirges and a goblin sniper were difficult foes, yet, with the ever-suspect "oh, are you still singing?" of bardsong, Maxwell destroyed all opposition. Afterward, finding the public bath infested with vipers, we left them for the town's pest control. When we later realized that was Zirithanis' job, we went back and he charmed them into a wicker basket and left them at the edge of town. When we later heard a picnicker was killed by vipers, we blamed Zirithanis.

However, being playtest time, an unexpected enemy followed us into town: the Goblin Oracle! She was one of the most feared enemies we have ever fought, especially since we lacked Aurelis's help (he was sleeping off breakfast in his 100-gp suite on the coast). Perhaps it was her big hat, or maybe the threat of goblin rash from her two mangy rat-dogs, or maybe her fury over the sacked child she took hostage that was greased out of her hands, but the strength of her unusually fearsome blows felled both Zirithanis and me at different points. Our leapfrog healing tactics took her by surprise, however, keeping us both in the fight. In the end, Maxwell the Dog killed her, jumping over a mountain, stopping a flood by barking, and then arriving home in time to snap her neck and take the glory for himself. Next: Maxwell Defeats Giant Wheeled Eidolon and Eats It.

Tyler Clark
Editorial Intern