You walk into the town hall. There is a large group of people yelling about missing cattle, dying crops, and mysterious creatures in the night that people have described 18 different ways. It's obvious there's a threat to your town, but no one has stepped up to fix it and the mayor is holding this meeting to find someone to help.
After everyone finishes with their introductions the mayor screams, AHH!!! Who the hell are you people?! I've never seen you in this town before! My god, it's almost as if some lazy GM threw you into this cliche...
The hulkingly huge guy standing in the front holds up his thick, knotted hand covered with thin scars. He's nearly 9 feet tall, 4 feet wide, and has arms that reach his knees. He wears a doctor's coat, tailored for someone of his great size, across the left breast is stitched the name "McKnuckles" and underneath it "Doctor". He has bristly black hair that is pulled back into a very short ponytail, reminiscent of a broom. His face is broad and looks almost autistic, but his eyes are surprisingly clear and sharp.
"Uh, Mayor? That's cause some lazy GM DID throw us into that cliche." he declares, his voice deep but with a hint of southern twang.
With his signature smiley-face bandanna on his face, Wil looks up at the towering figure who was talking about something called a GM. Who is this mysterious person/thing/idea? And why was he/she/it lazy? With a shake of his head, Wil says calmly to the mayor, "Mmmmph, mmm, mesaf."
With an exasperated look in his eye, he pulls down the bandanna to show pearly white teeth. "I don't know what y'all talking bout. And there's no need to be screaming. I mean, we just offered to help you with your situation and you try and deafen me?"
Turning towards no one in particular, Wil starts talking (to himself?).
Returning his attention back to the mayor (and oblivious of the weird stares from the people in the town hall), he looks expectantly, as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened.
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Standing in the back is what is unmistakably a pirate, with a wide-brimmed black bicorne, eyepatch, weather-beaten blue frock coat, cutlass rimmed with rust and barnacles, foreign jewelry, scrimshaw pipe, and towering over it all, a striking hyacinth macaw whose bright eyes dart around the room as he bobs from side to side on the big pirate's shoulder.
"Beg pardon," Says a local woman sitting nearby, "but where did you get that remarkable creature?"
"The Shackles," replies the parrot. "But I'll need to let this one go back home, soon."
He turns to the front of the room (or at least he looks in that direction while his face points to the side wall) and, raising his voice just slightly so it is easily the loudest in the room, asks, "So how ya' doin? What's wrong? I'm Xavante. I just finished making the sea voyage here all the way from Nantambu, and boy, are my fins tired!'"
Aineyr was looking around the crowd, doing his 'research' and writing it on his journal.
"Lady in yellow dress - name unknown yet... major qualities - her husband is an oaf, nice boobs" He then creates a small bead, just a couple feet above her and let it fall against her breasts. He seems satisfied with the result and adds something to his notes. "hum, 'firm' boobs." oh I hate this dresses... I wish I could have a better way to inspect her 'uncover' qualities than just sneak a peek under her dress... He then looks around and starts the procedure anew, writing about a woman on a chair. She had just one leg. Hum, that is something new... she is beautiful but the fact that she has just one leg... I'm not sure how to classify it... it actually opens rooms to some bold maneuvers... yeah, it is a quality...
He finally notices why the crowd is gathered and sighs. Well, I was hoping to sneak myself in the ladies business by using the 'musician play' but perhaps the 'hero play' is more appropriate this time... I just need to find the correct guys to assist me... His eyes are drawn to the big man in front of the crowd and he quickly moves towards him.
"Right, I'm in!" He then thinks for a couple seconds. Hum... not sure if this is wise... I was so busy looking at boobs that I have no idea what we are supposed to do... "Yeah, I'm definitely in!"
Aineyr is a piper, the offspring of a full-blood satyr and an elf. He has the built of an elf, with almost 6ft of height and 115 lbs. He has two horn stumps protruding from his forehead and cloven feet, even if his leg structure is unchanged from that of an elf. Both his hair and eyes are dark and, much like the elves, he has big irises.
The piper jumps besides the mayor, bows to him and them to the crowd and starts to talk. "Good people of Dontknowtown! Fear not for your troubles are over! I'll take care of your trouble with ease! Me and my assistant..." he points to the half-ogre "...are trained heroes from across the lands and with only a couple resources we'll win against the dark... the evil... the horrific... EVIL!" He then changes his attention to Wilbert. "Sir, I'm confiscating your horse..." and then to the pirate "... and your big-blue-arara in the name of justice!" he smiles his best smile. Justice and BOOBS!
From the back of the room, a creature in the vague shape of a humanoid woman walks forward. Outside of the general shape of her body, the purple flesh, tentacles, and dress that seems to be fused into her form make it blatantly obvious that she is completely inhuman.
"FRIEND HUMAN," the monstrosity gurgles to the mayor. "I WAS TOLD YOU WERE NEEDING HELP WITH THINGS. I CAN DO THINGS! AS ONE HUMAN TO ANOTHER, I WOULD BE GLAD TO HELP."
She brings a mug of ale to a facelike structure with no visible mouth or nose, just black eyes. A slit opens up where her mouth would be, which expands into a circular hole lined with hundreds of tiny teeth, and she dumps the contents of the mug down her throat. "MMM! THIS LIQUID IS PLEASING TO MY HUMAN TASTE BUDS!"
He then changes his attention to Wilbert. "Sir, I'm confiscating your horse..." and then to the pirate "... and your big-blue-arara in the name of justice!" he smiles his best smile.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa," says Wil holding up his hands with an annoyed look on his face. "Easy there skippy.
"No one fingers Daniel except for me!
His eyes widen as he realized how the words came out and he quickly tried to recover.
"I mean, no one lays a finger on Daniel except for me!" Wil stammers. "That's what I said and that's what y'all heard.
"Now, as a trained veterinarian and equestrian," he continued, "I will be more than happy to help you select a suitable companion to ride. But you do not go around touching other people's things...skippy."
Wil dons his smiley-face bandanna and continues to eye Aineyr warily.
"At least he didn't want to spoon Daniel!" McKnuckles pipes in, moving in on the conversation. "I hear spooning leads to forking, and forking leads to knifing, and knifing leads to medical bills and legal fees."
To the tentacle-y humanoid, the doctor will look her up and down a few times. "You... uh... got any bones in there?" he asks, trying to be subtle but completely failing. "Cause I've never worked on a cepha... cepha... squiddy person."
He's already forgotten about the reason they had been called there.
S'quig-aly looks at Dr. McKnuckles and tilts her head. "WHAT AN ODD QUESTION. OF COURSE I HAVE MANY HUNDREDS OF BONES, AS ANY HUMAN DOES!"
She walks up to him and extends a tentacle in greeting. "I AM S'QUIG-ALY. WHAT IS YOUR NAME, LARGE HUMAN? I FAILED TO CATCH IT."
He extends a hand. "Fisty." he says. "Doctor Fisty McKnuckles. I'm a doctor. It says so on my coat."
"Hundreds? Well, sounds like it must be a lot of work keeping them aligned! I can help with that."
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A woman turns to see the giant tentacle monster, stands up, and screams, "Oh no! The beast that is killing our cattle is here!!" pointing at S'quig-aly. She puts the back of her hand to her forehead, passes out,
Hits her head on the corner of the pew,
cracks her head on the floor where she already hit her head on the pew,
and immediately dies.
Most of the crowd bursts into screams and goes running out the door
The mayor stands still at the podium watching the chaos ensue. He looks at each of you individually before saying, "I'm glad each of you...freaks...has volunteered. Hopefully you will be more helpful than harmful" in a dry, sarcastic tone sparing a glance at poor Helga as she lay bleeding on the ground.
Wil jumps into action...or tries his best to avoid the crowd.
He rushes to the fallen woman and tries to help her, giving an angry glance at the huggle monster as he passes.
"Gddmmt," he mumbles through his mouth-covered bandanna. "Dntwry' Imadctr....fanmls"
He wipes the sweat from his brow and yanks the bandanna down away from his mouth.
"Dammit Jim, I'm a vet, not a doctor!' he exclaims. "Don't you die on me sister!."
Doctor McKnuckles will push through the panicking crowd and check the woman. She's dead, obviously. "Don't worry, friend! I a doctor!"
"Dead, huh?" he grumbles, scooping her up in his arms. "That's never stopped me before!"
With what must be excruciatingly painful, the half-ogre 'adjusts' the dead/dying woman with a series of brusque movements that evoke a series of loud POP and CRACK sounds.
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Xavante clings to his chauffeur's shoulder while he weathers the human storm.
"Right, Mr. X," Says the pirate. "I've seen enough, and I'll be shovin' off agin', effective 'mmediately! 'Afore I go, tho, would'ye like anoth-"
"Hell NO, I don't want another one of your f&%#ing crackers! Shove off already!"
"Argh-har-har-har! 'Yer alright, Mr. X. Take good care yerself!"
While he sea-legs it back out the door, Xavante flies to the front of the room, landing on Wilbert's shoulder because Dr. Fisty's might actually be too broad.
"What's up doc? Wench had a fainting spell? What she needs is a waking spell! HELLOOOOO GIRLIE!!!!! WAKIE-WAKIE! GIRLIE HUUUUMAAANNN!!!"
Wil looks wild-eyed at the half-ogre. Before he had a second chance to save the woman, this beast of a humanoid picked her up and adjusted her back to life.
"OMG, THAT WAS THE BEST ADJUSTMENT I'VE EVER SEEN!" he says with wonder.
S'quig-aly tries to dodge out of the way, but ends up faceplanting right in front of the charging crowd, and gets stomped into the floor.
Picking herself up, she dusts herself off with her hands and prods at the unconscious woman in the good Doctor's arms with a tentacle. "DID YOU JUST HUG A HUMAN BACK TO LIFE? THAT IS INCREDIBLE! WHEN I HUG PEOPLE AND THEY MAKE THOSE NOISES, IT USUALLY GOES DIFFERENTLY. PLEASE TEACH ME YOUR WAYS."
"What's up doc? Wench had a fainting spell? What she needs is a waking spell! HELLOOOOO GIRLIE!!!!! WAKIE-WAKIE! GIRLIE HUUUUMAAANNN!!!"[dice=Truespeak, word of recuperation, DC = (15+Helga's CR, or HD if no known CR)+20%]1d20+14
[dice=Perform (Comedy)]1d20+16
Wil couldn't help but chuckle at the talking bird.
"Hey, that's pretty funny. Helloooo! Hahaha."
Turning back towards the viewers, Wil says,
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"I guess so - and so is talking to the wall!"
Xavante turns his eye to the wall.
"Hi, wall! How ya' doin? Pretty wall! Just don't twist into a magical face just as we're about to leave the room and send us on some kind of quest to fight your battles for you because you're too pure and innocent or whatever, alright?"
"Medical school, squiggly. Medical school." the doctor says, dusting off his hands. "You want me to give you a demon-straightening?"
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S'quig-aly is run over by as many feet as it has tentacles
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Dr. McKnuckles grabs the woman with meaty hands. Those looking on know that the fingers are far too large to be able to precisely adjust such tiny vertebrae. But, with deft maneuvers so fast it's hard to see exactly what it happening Dr. McKunckles determines that the reason the head is bleeding isn't because her skull is cracked open at all! It's just the the first vertebrae got knocked a little sideways during the fall! Once he finishes you all notice that the blood begins to pull back inside her body, and she wakes up.
She says, "Oh my, vump hassened? My shed...I meel so soozy. Dut my netch, it meels athazing!" Although she is awake and no longer bleeding, brain matter is clearly visible.
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The mayor begins cackling at the joke Xavante just told . He laughs hard enough to have trouble breathing, and starts crying at the same time. This proceeds for several minutes, and deep down inside he worries that his God might smite him for laughing so hard while the woman is dying.
Helga on the other hand hears the terrible joke and passes out again, but she is at least stable.
Eventually, the mayor calms down enough to speak. "Well, that was *chuckle* quite a joke" he wipes a tear from his eye. "I like you talking parrot! So, on to why I gathered this meeting that the five of you showed up to mysteriously. We have a problem, something is killing our cattle and destroying our crops. No one seems to know much about what it is. There's talk of multiple things doing the damage, but the quantity varies from 2 to 100. Everyone is too scared to address the things causing the damage, so I don't really know anything about the threat. Don't ask me what it is. I will pay you if you take care of whatever is causing the problem, though! And please, either heal Helga yourself or bring her to the village apothecary."
The mayor turns and starts heading out the door at the back of the hall saying to no one in particular, "'Fainting spell, she needs a waking spell!' Classic!". Helga's body spasms briefly, her face contorting into a grimace at the mayor's repeat of the words before falling limp again.
The doctor puts a band-aid featuring several friendly kittens on it over her head injury, since it's likely to be sore.
"Well, my job here is done." he says, scooting her aside. "You said there's problem we can correct?"
"Oh, he left. Well I guess we go out and look?"
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"I guess so - and so is talking to the wall!"
Xavante turns his eye to the wall.
"Hi, wall! How ya' doin? Pretty wall! Just don't twist into a magical face just as we're about to leave the room and send us on some kind of quest to fight your battles for you because you're too pure and innocent or whatever, alright?"
"What're ya talking?" Wil asks looking at the spot on the wall. "The camera's over here now to get the best angle of the action. He gestures over his back with his thumb.
"Besides," he scoffs, "the audience is never pure and innocent."
Wil leans in to whisper to the parrot."Between you and me, they're a bunch of voyeurs."
S'quig-aly absentmindedly rubs the footprints pressed into her flesh as she looks up at McKnuckles. "I KNOW NOTHING OF DEMONS AND STRAITENING. IS THAT SOME KIND OF SPECIAL HUG? CAN YOU TEACH ME WHAT YOU KNOW?! I MUST LEARN FROM THE MASTERS IF I AM TO BECOME THE ULTIMATE HUGGER."
She is momentarily distracted by the blatant fourth wall breaking. "CAMERA? I DO NOT SEE A CAMERA, BUT I WANT TO SEE THE PEOPLE THAT SEE ME."
She is momentarily distracted by the blatant fourth wall breaking. "CAMERA? I DO NOT SEE A CAMERA, BUT I WANT TO SEE THE PEOPLE THAT SEE ME."
Wil shrugs nonchalantly as he sighs. "You don't get to see the audience obviously. Duh." he said with an eye roll.
Looking over his shoulder, he smirks and winks.
Turning back towards Fisty, Will asks, "I guess we should follow the mayor?"
As the mayor reaches the back door it swings open rather abruptly, with a trio of wooden kegs tumbling in toward him. "Watch out, the ALE has gotten loose again!"
Diving through the doorway and - - landing on top of all three kegs is a stocky, bearded man who smells of beer, whisky, and beef stew. "HAAAA! Thought ye could escape, did ye?! Not today, yer heading straight to the taps to be drunk! That's how the people like there Katapeshen Pale Ales - fiery, fierce, and with a sharp bite!" Lashing the barrels together, he pushes them out the backdoor.
"Pardon me mayor, but what's all the hubbub about? An' who is the strange lookin' lot behind ye? Haven't seen their likes in our little village before?" Before the mayor even responds, Gregor wipes his hands on his apron, and cracks a big, welcoming smile. "Ahh, who am I kiddin'? Yer all welcome at the Corner Inn, come on over for a good pint and we can discuss what troubles ye!"
The mayor starts to speak, "They are going to help us..." he turns back and sees the Macaw, pauses for a second, and collapses in laughter again. "Waking spell! HAHAHAHA," he gasps a few times, gets back up again, "That parrot..." chuckles and walks out without answering Gregor's questions completely forgetting that there was even and exchange.
Helga pipes up, "These fine folks are going to help us with the cattle and crop problem!" speech corrected and brains no longer exposed from her fall after Xavante's healing.
Aineyr jumps from the podium towards the barkeep. "Are you sure you are describing Katapeshen Pale Ales? Their woman could also be described as such and, depending on the current business you are doing, the last part can be especially painful... trust me, I know!"
The piper offers his hand to the barkeep... it is always useful to have a barkeep friend. "Hi, nice to meet you, I'm Aineyr Halfhorn..." he points to his horn stumps. "...as you can see... and these are Dr. Fisty... dude, the horse fingerer... Squig, the thing... and the talking blue-arara, the heroes of the people."
"That's Dr. Fisty McKnuckles, horse fingerer." the big man corrects, not noticing the addendum.
"but i could correct cows too, i suppose. They've a spine." he adds. "I'm in. Well except for the crops part. Tried adjusting a tree once..." he blathers on and on. In fact, he continues to tell the story until we end up in the next scene!
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*Poof* You all end up in the Corner Inn. You have no idea how you got there . Gregor is behind the bar wrangling his kegs, and the rest of you are...well...wherever the hell you want to be in the tavern. Seeing as it is mid-morning there is only one patron, hammered out of his mind. He sees the band of adventurers, screams like the rest of the normal townsfolk, and haphazardly runs out of the bar swearing to never drink again .
Gregor expects people to start showing up for lunch within the next hour based on usual business...
".... And that's how I invented maple syrup." he concludes.
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Wil shakes his head as he looks around the unfamilar tavern. Then, he wanders around the room as if searching for something. Having seemingly found it (it's the camera BTW), he starts talking.
".... And that's how I invented maple syrup."
"Oh, yeah," replied Wil upon hearing Fisty finish his story. "I could go for some waffles with sweet, a'sweet maple syrup right now.
Moving over to the bar, he leans in on one elbow and says, "Eh, what's on the menu guy? Any waffles? Or i could settle for pancakes."
Once the kegs are suitably tucked under the bar, Gregor turns back toward his new patrons. "Waffles? I am sure the proprietor, Lady Maggie, would be happy to whip up some waffles for ye, if ye don't mind waiting a touch. She's a wizard in the kitchen. Of course, that's to be expected from a Hobbi-" Three black-suited gentlemen rush through the doors of the Corner Inn and move straight to the bar, presenting Gregor with a strange blue scroll. Unfurling it he reads the contents, rolls it back up, nods to the gentlemen, then continues. "-Halfling, that is. Don't want to get twisted up in any legal proceedings over the use of a word... Anywho, yes, she is a master of cuisine even among her kind, and her husband, bless his belly, was a skilled brewer. Taught me everything I know."
Leaning through the door behind the bar, he can be heard calling out, "OH MAAAAGGIE!!! How about some waffles for our new guests? Thanks love."
As the waffles are being prepared some townsfolk begin to enter the tavern. There's no more shrieking. Presumably the mayor informed people that you 5 new comers are in fact not going to murder everyone in town. Although, you really can't trust the mayor to deliver any kind of message based on what you've seen so far. Either way, the townsfolk might glance at you lot with some distrust, but they mostly go about their business normally.
Small Tom hobbles over with with a crutch and a bum leg and tugs on S'quig-aly's tentacle, "You really gonna help us with the monsters?!" Gee that's really nice of you! Can I come?! I'm a real good runner, see!" He turns, takes one step, and face-plants...
"Oh, boyoboy. I don't know bout y'all but I always think better on a full stomach," said Wil as he sat down at the bar. "How bout a brewskie while we wait? Brewer's choice."
Dr. McKnuckles glances at S'quig-aly and raises an eyebrow. "Let me show you how it's done."
The doctor plucks the kid up by the collar, looks at his bum leg, and scratches his chin. "Yep." he says. "That's one messed up leg... but nothing I couldn't fix! Just need to do *this* and a little of *this*... and you need to come back in once every three days for further treatment and your legs'll be the strongest ones of your age category in no time (give or take six months)."
He sets the boy back down and hands him his crutch and a slip of paper. "And here's the bill." he says, turning back to the bar and consuming a syrup-coated waffle in one bite with relish. "See?" he says to his betentacled companion. "Sometimes you gotta make lots of small adjustments. That way you can adjust them more often."
Most people notice that the treatment didn't work.
Small Tom's face beams with delight at the "Medical" Doctor's treatment until he looks down and sees that he still doesn't have a foot and starts to pout. Then, he looks at the bill and starts worrying about how he's going to pay for college AND the "medical" bill.
Another patron speaks up, "Oi! It true you gonna take care-a our monster problem?"
Wil watched in fascination has Fisty "heals" the guy but was a little disappointed he didn't cure Small Tom like he brought that lady back to life.
He offers a portion of waffles to Xavante while asking, "If the feet are bums, aren't they already not around? I mean, I know dudes who have bum dads who're never around, especially when it came time to pay child care."
Of course, he completely ignores the guy asking about monsters because, you know, he wasn't done with his waffles yet.
At Xavante's comment, you all hear a very quiet sound of laughter, as if it is coming from another building all together. The laughter sounds kind of like the mayor's.
"Hey... calm down, Arara... gez someone here is needing to get laid..."
Aineyr sits on the bar, staring at his pancakes. He was not really hungry to he decided it was time for some 'art'. With a knife he started to eat his meal by its borders, molding it in a phallic shape. Once he was satisfied with it, he puts some maple syrup in the 'top' of it.
"Here, Fistly... I'm not hungry... if you wish, you can have mine. There is not much left, perhaps you'll be able to swallow it in two bites."
Aineyr then carefully turns his place, to leave it in a position to maximize the show of Fisty with his 'pancake' in his mouth.
The doctor jabs a fork into the waffles without really looking at them, adding them to his plate. He looks to be about to put it in his mouth when he instead lifts the plate, tilts back his head, and dumps the remainder of both his and Aineyr's food down his gullet.
"Mmmph." he says, his mouth full of cockwaffle (or is it wafflecock?) "Dsh whffls r rlly gud."
Gregor pours a mug of an especially thick, dark beer then places it before Wilbert. "call this one Deeperdark's Depths. It is a dwarven stout aged in granite casks. Notes of coffee, cocoa, and a hint of anise, with a nice earthiness."
He goes about pouring drinks for his new acquaintances, as well as the entering townsfolk. He even whips up a frothy milk beverage for Small Tom. After everyone is attended to and the wenches are getting the guests their food, Gregor turns back to the others. "so, what do we know about the nocturnal horrors?"
Wil takes the beer and gives it a sniff. With a shrug, he takes a large swig. Wiping his mouth he says, "Funny. This is delicious. I can't smell nor taste the anus in it. However, I bet it goes great with some tossed salad."
The patron who asked if you will be taking care of the monsters responds to Gregor's question even though the question wasn't directed at him because he's a nosy dick. "There's two big monsters, hairy all over!"
A woman jumps in and says, "It's not two big monsters it is a swarm of little things eating everything in their path!"
Another woman says, "You're both daft, they're mutated humans! They have hands! HANDS!!!"
"I have seen something like this before... but I doubt a dwarven STD would cause this much problems... but one never knows, right?"