You are goblins of the Licktoad tribe, who live deep in Brinestump Marsh, south of the hated man-town called Sandpoint. Once, other goblins tried to burn Sandpoint down, and they would have been legends if they had succeeded. But they didn’t bring enough fire, and got themselves killed as a result.
Yesterday, your tribe discovered that one of your own had been using forbidden arts and was engaged in one of the greatest of taboos—writing things down. In fact, rumor holds that what he was writing was a history of your tribe! There’s no swifter way to bring about bad luck than stealing words out of your mind by writing them down, and so your tribe had no choice.
You branded the goblin’s face with letters to punish him, which is why everyone calls him Scribbleface now, and then you ran him out of town, took all of his stuff, and burned down his hut.
That’s where things got interesting, because before you all burned down his hut, Chief Gutwad found a weird box within the building. Inside was a map and a lot of fireworks—fireworks that immediately came to use in burning the hut down.
Then, this morning, Gutwad announced that tonight there would be a feast in order to drive out any lingering bad luck from Scribbleface’s poor decisions. But perhaps even more exciting, all of you have been secretly invited to meet at Chief Gutwad’s Moot House. Why would the chief want to speak to you? It can only mean that he’s got an important mission for you all... one that the other goblins of the tribe couldn’t pull off. This could be your chance to go down in Licktoad history!
Moggy collects all his worldly possession and attends the Chief's tent.
To impress the Chief, the sniveling alchemist prepares a poem,
"Moggy so happy to help big Chief with him skills,
If lucky day, Poog and Chuffy both be killed,
Moggy know all sort of magics to tell,
Reta Bigbad just be ugly as hell!"
The alchemist punctuates his oratory skills by bowing to Big Chief.
Poog stuffs all of his "gear" in a sack and places his trusty toad on his head. Arriving at the chief's house just after Moggy, he sticks his tongue out and blows a raspberry.
"Poog has real magic not smelly juice so maybe you die. I am here chief, ready to burnify and dog-kill."
You've gathered at the Moot House of His Mighty Girthness Chief Rendwattle
Gutwad. A high pitched nasal voice, which you recognize as belonging to Slorb, the chief's advisor, bids you enter.
Inside, you pass a veritable museum of Licktoad heroics—trophies such as stolen weapons (rusted beyond usefulness), shiny bits of treasure (copper and glass), and the brine-pickled bodies of dozens of slaughtered small furry animals conquered in heroic battle (mostly dogs).
Eventually, you arrive to the see the Chief rising above you, balanced in the Great Teeter Chair. "Sit," Slorb directs. It's a great honor to sit in the dirt at the Chief's feet.
Moggy tries his song. Slorg smacks hand to his face disapprovingly, and Poog interrupts with bravado about burning and dog-killing in fine goblin tradition. The Chief raises a hand calling for silence, and speaks directly to you.
"You all be heroes. Each of you. You are best Licktoads but for me. And maybe but for Slorb. That you aren’t fleeing in terror from mighty sound of my voice is all the proof you should need. Yet soon, all Licktoad goblins will know your might, for I have
picked you for a dangerous mission."
“You know about fireworks and map we found in Scribbleface’s hut. Fireworks were fun. But map is more fun. It shows a route to a place near the coast where Scribbleface found fireworks. And it says there are more fireworks there!"
“I want them for Licktoads. You all go get them tomorrow. Tonight we have big bonfire to burn bad luck away from you, and we play many games. Much fun. Tomorrow you fetch me fireworks. If you meet men, you make them dead. If you meet dogs, you make them dead. If you meet horses, you make them dead. If you meet Lotslegs Eat Goblin Babies Many, you maybe should run. And if you not find fireworks, you not come back or we feed you to Squealy Nord!”
With that, the Chief waves his hand and Slorb hurries you out without much time to bother the Chief with questions. Slorb passes you a map to the fireworks cache, before slamming the door behind you.
Your village is in Brinestump Marsh. The marsh is a place of great bounty, with lots of places to hide and lots of delicious things to eat. Some of those things are kind of poisonous, though, so take care. There are monsters, but running is always an option. Among the dangers that you can expect to face in are wild dogs, giant bugs giant snakes, and giant frogs. Oh, and Lotslegs Eat Goblin Babies Many. And maybe Vorka the Cannibal.
At the door Poog screws up his eyes in concentration. He reaches up and pets his toad then licks his hand to help.
"Oh yes I remembers! Lotslegs is a... marsh-thing. Um Slorb whatsa lotslegs? For ummmmm Reta. Yes Reta doesn't know! Not that Poog doesn't know, he does. Others don't. Know. Yes."
Poog punctuates his masterpiece of oration and blame-shifting with a snaggletoothed grin. Then he takes his toad off of his head and gives it a lick before returning it to his noggin.
Slorb turns on Reta. "You be stupid goblin if not know that Lotslegs Eat Goblin Babies Many is most notoriety-ous giant spider. It not afraid of any goblin (except mighty Chief, who stays here to keep village safe). Lotslegs lives in the marsh between Licktoad village and the place you go. Maybe you get practice running good."
"Any more questions? Slorb go eat lunch to get ready for feast."
"Oh yes I remembers! Lotslegs is a... marsh-thing. Um Slorb whatsa lotslegs? For ummmmm Reta. Yes Reta doesn't know! Not that Poog doesn't know, he does. Others don't. Know. Yes."
Reta rises to push Poog out of the way in a scene reminiscent of squabbling two-year-olds. Then in her 'indoor scream' she rants: "Shut you toad hole Poog! Reta know known knowns--things Reta know she know! But Reta known there be unknowns--things that me know me don't know like why Poog such a lousy rider! But Reta also know there be things she no know she no know...."
You can almost hear the words bouncing around in her big, balloon-sized head. Then finally: "Sorry, me know know were me going with that. What's a 'Vorka'? Me no know that."
Slorb shudders at the mention of Vorka's name. "Vorka the Cannibal be evil. Big, Bad Evil Goblin." (You can hear the words being capitalized as he speaks.) "Long time ago, married to goblin chief. She ate him and other goblins. Without even pickling first, or mixing with rotten fruit." The gastronomic horror of it all makes him cringe.
"Goblins fought back and drove her away. She lives over in that part of swamp." He gestures vaguely in the direction you'll be heading.
"If she's still alive and kicking, it's because she's meaner than Lotslegs, or dogs, or even horses. Many goblins who go that way don't come back. Hmmm. Maybe you don't come back. But we go on quest with the heroes we have, not with heroes we want. Maybe we get better ones later. But we want fireworks now."
"But you no blame boss. He have enough problems. Maybe even ninety-nine problems. Like no have enough fireworks."
"But you no blame boss. He have enough problems. Maybe even ninety-nine problems...."
"Reta no be one!"
With much yelling from Slorb, the village goblins toil all afternoon to build the bonfire out of branches, sticks, and unburnt timbers taken from the ruins of Scribbleface’s hut. As night falls, a group of four struggling goblins carry the Teeter Chair (with Chief Gutwad sitting atop it) out to the bonfire. The chief lights the bonfire with a firework , and whispers a speech to Slorb, which Slorb mangles atrociously. The speech is thankfully short, but is mostly about how the chief is great at many things, including picking heroes, but if the heroes die it's their own fault.
The end of the speech signals the start of an all-night party that features lots of good things to eat (snails, fish, and snakes). Later in the feast, the chief brings out a barrel of fermenting cider apples early on and most goblins get drunk very quickly.
As the evening progresses other goblins begin daring you to show off why they were picked as being brave, and propose several dares. The chieftain (through Slorb) offers prizes from his hoard for the first winner of each challenge.
The dares are:
- Dance with Squealy Nord. Ride the "big" boar the goblins have captured.
- Eat a Bag of Bull Slugs Real Quick. Bull slugs are black, wriggling slugs the size of sausages, and foul tasting (even for goblins). Eat five in one minute.
- Hide or get clobbered. You hide. If other goblins find you, they hit you.
- The Rusty Ear-Biter. Crawl through a coil of rusty wire, barrel hoops, bent swords, and thorns.
The goblins hoot and holler as they try to goad you into the challenges. They put their hands up, and sing their song (several horseflies fly away):
"Swing my club and pick my scab
You crash, you bleed, what fun we have.
Sing goblin song and wave (like yeah)
Or we get to beat the heroes heads!"
...(Desan candle)...
"Ooooo! Aaaah!"
"WATCH ME POOG! ME RIDE PIG!" Reta screams in her outside scream, knocking over other goblins to scramble onto the mighty "boar's" back.
"SEE POOG, EASY!" She shrieks.
Despite all of the hullaballoo about "Squealy Nord" being a fearsome, mighty boar, he's really just an excitable piglet escaped from a nearby farm. The goblins gather around a muddy pit in the middle of the village where the "boar" is penned, next to the goblin baby cages.
Goblins cheer, and make bets as the "ferocious" piglet captured and pinned (an event in its own right that left several goblins with mud in their ears and footprints on their heads). Reta rides, screaming with glee, with her veil flapping in the wind behind her. Reta's attempt is a resounding success, and the pig makes a good show too, although more than one goblin is grumpy there was no blood.
Seeing Reta's ride, the chieftain whispers to Slorb that it was worthy of goblin song. The chieftain reaches under his seat cushion and hands Reta a somewhat moldy apple core. Seeing her less than pleased look, he rummages around under his seat cushion again and hands her a “Dragon Brew Gourd” .
"Poot. Piggy not even make a challenge. Maybe it's time to cook Squealy and have a bake-in," Slorb complains.
Moggy wasn't going to let Reta get all the glory. "Gove Moggy the slugs! It's dinner time for the bestest goblin hero ever!". He grabs all the slugs and jams them into his mouth, trying to swallow them all down at once. He wasn't going to spit out any of the tasty juice.
Fort
Fort
Fort
Fort
Fort
Fort against later sickness
The onlooking goblins get more more excited as Mogmurch reaches for the final slug. Does he finish it in time?
The Chief leans forward in chair, which teeters even more precariously.
Fort
"Mogmurch best (burp) eater in town! Slugs are most good...think (burp) Chuffy need eat slugs too. Maybe him think slugs are dogs and is ascared of them, cause Chuffy a loser!"
Ok next time blame someone else maybe they less angry.
Well it's just easy because Squealy is afraid of you big ugly face!
Poog shouts at Reta.
Um Moggy ate the slugs. Have to do something.
Poog reaches for his toad and takes a lick to settle his nerves.
You can't catch Poog!
He squeals before dashing into the forest.
Mogmurch forces down the slimey slugs, to the delights of all watching. "You even eat slime sacks and no be sick?!" Slorb exclaims, [b]"You can eat anything!" In front of the entire village, the Chief lets you borrow the mighty Gorge of Gluttons, his +1 dogslicer. Slorb makes it very clear the Chief wants it back when you return with fireworks. "You don't officially be heroes until after you give it back."
The poisonous slime is a bit troublesome, even for someone with an iron stomach. Mogmurch is sickened for the next 24 hrs. None of the villagers seem to notice, however, thanks to the generous availability of fermented apples.
Poog thinks it's his turn to play hero, and the village agrees, cheering him on
EDIT: Corrected mistake. Only #6 and #7 hit.
Unfortunately, not everyone is drunk or sick enough to miss finding Poog, even though he's pretty well hidden. The toad on his head lets out a "Ribbit" at an unfortunate time, and it's a cascade of failures as two different goblins find and club him. <bonk> <smack>
The chief laughs at Poog's lumps as he returns to town. Slorb sees an opportunity to mock the heroes, and shouts "Maybe all you be easy to find! Maybe smell of slugs and pig make you easy to find! Villagers hoot and challenge the rest of the party to take up the dare.
Chuffy whistles in appreciation when Reta successfully rides the fearsome pig, and cheers when Moggy swallows the poisonous slugs with record speed.
He then giggles uproariously when Poog gets clubbed.
"Now Chuffy's turn! Chuffy really good at hiding... maybe that why no-one hang around with Chuffy? He so good at it, that he not realise what he doing, and people can't find him...? Catch me if you can!"
Chuffy pokes his tongue out at the assembled goblin throng, and then slopes off into the swamp to hide.
Chuffy runs and hides. Goblins search and search, but still Chuffy hides. Eventually, they all give up and go back to feasting. Still Chuffy hides. He hides so well, he almost doesn't hear Slorb call him to come claim his prize.
In a big ceremony, the chieftain (again, through Slorb) talks about how he's a good picker. "Can pick nose and pick heroes. Rest of you can only pick nose." After much grandstanding by the chieftain, Chuffy is presented with a Ring That Lets You Climb Real Good. Much like the dogslicer, it needs to be returned to the chief when you get back.
Moggy really wants to be the big hero, so he takes off running for the Ear Biter, belching as he does so,
Sickened Escape Artist
Sickened Escape Artist
Sickened Escape Artist
Sickened Escape Artist
Sickened Escape Artist
Sickened Escape Artist
Sickened Escape Artist
Sickened Escape Artist
Moggy gets off to a rough start, as someone jostles him as he heads into the Ear Biter. He gets stuck on an old piece of wire, which leads to putting weight on the sharp end of a rusty dagger . The goblins scream and holler as the hero is nearly bested at the beginning. Moggy presses forward, though, and moves through the Ear Biter at a good pace, to the simultaneous delight and disappointment of the onlookers. He's almost stuck again at the end. While trying to avoid the decomposing ear of a previous contestant, he notches his own ear, and the crowd cheers. Mustering courage, he continues through the pain, end eventually makes it through!
The chief and onlookers are suitable impressed. Surely this is a fine group of goblin heroes. Moggy is presented with the Chief's Personal Very Useful Robe That Is Useful.
The rest of the feast continues without much incident (unless you count someone lighting a firework behind Slorb and catching his cape on fire). Moggy's mate, Rempty, licks his face and drags him away early. Exhausted, you all return home to rest, knowing the morning journey will be ... eventful.
You're sent off with much fanfare some wretched goblin songs. The chief reminds you he wants his stuff back when you return ("And if you don't give it back, you're dead!")
In the hope of getting more fireworks, the chief gives the heroes the last of his stash: two Desnan candles, four paper candles, and a skyrocket.
Rempty licks Moggy's face, and says she wishes she could be there when he explodes, because it would be fun to watch.
The Licktoad village sings their traditional battle song as the heroes march off into the swamp.
We be Licktoads! We make raid!
Put the longshanks to the blade!
Burn them up from feet to head,
Make them hurt, then make them dead!
Cut the parents into ham,
Smush the babies into jam,
All the rest in pot get stewed,
We be Licktoads — you be food!
Your map is clear enough that you can't get lost: just follow the river. Unfortunately, this means not going around the hazards of the swamp.
After the feast ends Poog sulks away and heals himself with his magic where no one can see him.
"Lady first!" *shove* Reta shouts using her indoor whisper-scream her breath smelling of lavender and peach. Reta realized that 'lotsa legs' usually but not always, (as was now the case with Mogmurch) meant 'lotsa ears' too. "Quiet! You smell that?"
Mormurch pushed Rempty away. "Other goblins laugh. Moggy am back soon, Rempty! Be back as big hero of tribe with fireworks for everyone. Except Reta."
As the group walked through the swamp, Moggy was a little nervous. "Hope not find Lotsa Legs. Moggy fun most fastest goblin ever if we do."
Moggy follows Reta in line, taking the second position.
Stealth
Perception
Init
A giant spider reveals itself in the tree branches almost 10 ft directly above you in a tree, surprising you. It shoots web at Reta, who becomes stuck in webbing.
Chuffy whips out a dart, and attempts to snipe the spider.
Chuffy's dart just barely misses Lotslegs Eats Goblin Babies Many.
The fearsome spider shoots webbing at Chuffy in response, somehow missing despite the close range. She screeches in frustration.
Chuffy throws another dart at the spider.
Moggy titters with laughter and pulls a vial from at his belt. He tosses the vial at the spider, before retreating 20' away.
Ranged touch attack
Damage
Ahhh lotslegs! By the the power of his holy burniness die!
Poog concentrates and points his hand at the spider.
The spider screams as it is hit with both manufactured and holy fire. Compared to this pain, the small dart from the ugly(-ier) goblin seems like nothing. She screeches again in agony.
Rita uses a move action to move away and draw her bow.
Reta's shot goes wide as the spider's webbing impedes her progress.
Lotslegs scuttles down the tree and advances on the goblin in the skull helmet. She remembers his painful bombs and wants revenge. She tries to bite Moggy, but he's too quick.
Reta quickly drops her bow and stabs with her dogslicer.
You's in the way!
Poog shouts as he runs down the path to get a clear shot.
Reta slices at the spider, doing a good bit of damage and injuring one of the spider's legs. Poog's fire also strikes, damaging another leg.
Chuffy dances around to a flank, and takes a swing!
Mogmurch withdraws, hoping to get back to proper throwing range next round.
Chuffy's sneak attack drops the spider. Lotslegs falls and rolls to her back, quivering briefly as ichor oozes from several wounds, before becoming still.
Poog throws his arms up in the air dramatically.
Zarongel his smiled on the beginning of our questions! But if we wants his burniness to stay happy we must thank. Help me burn lotslegs for holy Zarongel!
Poog begins tearing up nearby plants with the intent of piling them atop the spider and setting it all alight.