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I just spent like three hours reading /tg/ storytimes and having a good time. Then I spent three minutes browsing a thread about heteronormativity and sexualization in Pathfinder and now I just kind of want to punch people except not really.
I don't want to end my day like this, Paizo. Tell me a bed time story.
There once was three goblins.
Suddenly a bunch of Pathfinders came through, killed them and took their stuff.
But then they died to 3 Strix with crossbows.
The End.
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I just spent like three hours reading /tg/ storytimes and having a good time. Then I spent three minutes browsing a thread about heteronormativity and sexualization in Pathfinder and now I just kind of want to punch people except not really.
I don't want to end my day like this, Paizo. Tell me a bed time story.
Wrong forum. Off-Topic Discussion is what you want. But since I don't feel like going to a different forum to post this again...
In a game, there was this gnome player. He decided to be a CN bard, and another player thought it would be funny to be a prostitute. The prostitute's character went to a house for business. The first thing the gnome did in the campaign was to try and break into the house and join in despite not being invited. He failed miserably.
So what does our courageous nitwit do? He dropped his pants, revealing that he did not wear undies and that he was willing to get arrested for publicly using mage hand in an inappropriate fashion.
In prison, he met the party rogue, and after a while, the party managed to get the two of them out. A temple had a quest involving finding the source of some mysterious uncurable disease (OOC, we recognized it as radiation poisoning), so it time was out into the desert.
The first random encounter was a gnoll with a bow. The gnoll was defeated relatively easily, despite some bad rolls, and surrendered. After some diplomacy consisting of drawing pictures in the sand, the gnome cast unnatural lust on the rogue targeting the gnoll. The rogue, quite reasonably, tried to murder the gnome, but was sadly tied up.
Some time later, a new cross-dressing elf rogue had been obtained to replace the first one, who had been sold to gnolls, and the uranium mine was discovered. It was time to shut the mine down and end the radiation epidemic. But first, the gnome decided to cast unnatural lust on a different gnoll onto the druid while they were out hunting. The only one nearby was the rogue, who decided not to help because he was True Neutral. Then in the mine the gnome rushed ahead of the meatshield and got critted with a pickaxe. With the dwarfs alerted, things went a little rougher.
After some time and many urine-soaked inn walls, corners, and floors licked by the gnome, another gnome was found a) running a candy shop and b) having sex with a goat. Our bard decided that this gnome was clearly his grandfather. He wasn't. The bard didn't let that stop him, and to honor his deviant "ancestor", he decided to cast unnatural lust once more. This time, it was on a little girl targeting the druid, who had threatened to kill the gnome if it happened again.
The druid killed the gnome when the little girl started trying to strip her, and that was the end of that.
Well, except that the gnome was killed via demonic sacrifice and he came back as a shadow demon later, but that's a different story.
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Once upon a time, there was a man named Chad. He lived in a nice little house with a nice little garden in a nice little neighborhood.
Chad had a nice life, but it could be boring sometimes. "Oh, I wish something exciting would happen soon", said Chad, feeling rather sad.
Then one night as he was lying in his bed, he was awakened by the sound of sirens outside. Chad was worried.
Suddenly three firemen burst through his bedroom door. Chad knew they were firemen because they had fireman helmets on, even if they did not have fireman shirts on underneath their fireman jackets.
"What's going on? Is there a fire?" asked Chad.
One of the firemen answered, "Yes! We got a call!" He took off his jacket along with the others. "We were told there was a fire in your pants!"
Chad found this to be alarming and exciting as the firemen quickly went to wo-OH I'M DOING IT WRONG AREN'T I
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There was this Neutral wizard, absolutely cynical, travelling with a mostly good party. Eventually, the paladin started getting to her, all through leading by example, not through preaching directly to her. She really started to want to believe in the ideals the paladin stood for, and came to see him a symbol of good and hope that the world(which she saw as a "Sick Sad World") desperately needed.
But she still lacked the faith that those ideals could survive on their own in such a world. She started going about in secret to watch his back and clean up loose ends that she believed would wind up getting him killed. She dirtied her hands handling matters she believed the paladin couldn't, or more importantly, shouldn't. She became more and more devoted to the task of protecting him both as a person and as a symbol that couldn't afford to be sullied by what she considered necessary evils.
When the party left enemies alive, she murdered any who she believed might come looking for revenge on the paladin. If she found out about a problem that could even slightly put the paladin at risk of breaking his code, she would either cut through the problem with brutal efficiency or guide the party away from ever seeing it, consequences for anyone else be damned.
She covered her tracks well, and kept it up for a long time. But while she started off believing whole-heartedly that she was doing what was right, the guilt just started to pile up. While the paladin was sleeping the sleep of the just, she was getting anything but. Eventually the rest of the party started to notice her cracking up, and it all came out in the open when she tearfully confessed(in a church of the god she had come to believe in but whose tenets she could not find the faith to truly follow) everything she had done and why to the paladin she had turned into a sort of idol. He was horrified by what had been done for his sake and in his name, and saddened by who had done it. The wizard is full-on weeping at this point, not even daring to ask for the forgiveness she believes she doesn't deserve. The paladin(AND THE PLAYER) is shedding Manly Tears as he hugs her, forgives her without any hesitation, and then gently places her under arrest. THE DAMN GM IS TEARING UP AT THIS POINT.
The party is shocked when they learn the details in-character, and a good chunk of the campaign after that was dedicated towards the wizard's trial(with the paladin and most of the party serving on her defense) and her long and arduous parole(under the paladin's watchful eye) and struggle towards redemption. She eventually made it to NG.
The paladin and wizard were married by the end of the campaign, but that was an even longer and bumpier road.
One time, I DMed a Discworld campaign for a British friend of mine. He was playing a rogue, and wanted to join the Thieves' Guild. After a while, a Thieves' Guild secretary started coming on to him, and I noted how unusual this was. He decided to go full steam ahead anyway, and so she took him home to Pseudopolis Yard, one of the most affluent areas in Ankh-Morpork. I again pointed out how unusual this was for someone on a secretarial salary, especially since they had known each other for hours, and dropped a few other hints. He didn't care.
I won't bore you with the backstory and context, since it's long-winded and not terribly amusing, but the bottom line was that she was a worm that walks, comprised entirely of maggots. He got some eggs laid in him via the urethral tract, and got his memory wiped. Detecting and removing them was an adventure in itself.
That campaign fell apart because of IRL stuff some time after CMOT Dibbler conned him into supporting his new restaurant.
I just spent like three hours reading /tg/ storytimes and having a good time. Then I spent three minutes browsing a thread about heteronormativity and sexualization in Pathfinder and now I just kind of want to punch people except not really.
I don't want to end my day like this, Paizo. Tell me a bed time story.
Did you read anything good?
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Crossing Shadows
Beware the two suns,
Their ambassadors say.
They stand in light,
With pale shades cast.
They close upon you,
Their shades overlap.
And they stand close,
Shades casting shadow.
And out of the darkness,
The lord of ink rises.
Do you fear me yet?
A close voice whispers.
I have come for you,
Do you fear me yet?
Crossing Shadows
Beware the two suns,
Their ambassadors say.
They stand in light,
With pale shades cast.
They close upon you,
Their shades overlap.
And they stand close,
Shades casting shadow.
And out of the darkness,
The lord of ink rises.
Do you fear me yet?
A close voice whispers.
I have come for you,
Do you fear me yet?
Nah, I'll just mention turning the moon into a giant video screen, and Yellowdingo will be off to start a new Petition at White House dot gov.
(It's probably a good thing that Lucas sold Star Wars, or Episode VII would be shown that way.)
Once upon a time there was a Rabi.
He had two sons and when they were both still infants he took them to temple to be blessed and to see if any wisdom about their future would be bestowed upon him. He received a revelation and it said "The younger son shall father the older son. The elder shall know the fate of ceder and the younger shall walk the earth alone." The Rabi was confused and distraught by the revelation but did not know what he could do.
Years past and the sons grew up. The elder son grew to be handsome and wise and was much beloved by those around him. The younger son was cunning but bitter and believed himself to be better than his elder brother. So one night he summoned a gluttony demon and bargained for the power to rule over his brother. The demon agreed saying "My power shall be yours but your life will be mine" and with this the demon bit into the younger brother's tender flesh and drank his blood. When the demon had taken most of the younger brother's blood he opened his wrist and fed his own blood to him. With that the younger brother rose invigorated and with a great hunger. So he made his way to his brother.
The younger brother approached the elder brother and bit into his tender flesh and drank and gave blood as had been done to him. As dawn neared the elder brother rose as the progeny of the younger brother. The younger brother demanded that he kneel before him but the elder brother was still possessed of his wisdom and before the hunger grew in him he walked into the dawn and was burned to ash. The younger brother seeing this left soon after wandering the earth, feeding and wanting to dominate those he saw as inferior to himself...
And that my child is were vampires come from.