PFS #21 Proposal - Criticism, comments welcome


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Hello all thought I'd post my proposal for the PFS 21 scenario (Eternal Obelisk). Any thoughts, input would be greatly appreciated. Trying to sharpen up for the next one. Thanks.

Spoiler:

“The Eternal Obelisk” or “Inferno” Outline

For years, the Eyes of Rubadah, a band of deadly assassins and thieves, struck fear in the hearts of powerful sheiks and merchants along the Silken Road. However, a month ago Sheik Osman struck a fatal blow against the sinister murderers, storming their mountain fortress and reputedly slaying their leader, a veiled sorceress. The surviving members were sentenced to spend their lives toiling in the mine pits of the Golden Foundry. However, this was all staged according to the Sorceress’s design…

The Golden Foundry is the finest forger of weapons and metalwork in all of Qadira. The foundry lies in the Zho Mountains at the foot of the volcano, Mount Iblis. In the heart of the mountain lies the Eternal Obelisk, an artifact that holds the volcano’s fury in check. This allows the foundry to mine and use the volcanic heat in their crafting. It has long supplied the Pathfinder Society with many exquisitely crafted weapons and armour. The Ten have received a plea for help from Al-Hallaj, the Steward of the foundry and a former member. Al-Hallaj suspects sabotage and does not trust his own people. The Steward insists upon absolute secrecy. The party is sent undercover as bodyguards to Sheik Osman and Lady Kafira, a noble couple touring the foundry. Inside, the adventurers must uncover a deadly conspiracy before it is too late.

The party escorts the Sheik’s procession into the mountains. The Sheik is a charismatic but boastful warrior with a booming laugh. His wife, Lady Kafira remains aloof and unseen in her veiled litter. The party is ambushed when scouting ahead by bandits who cause a rock slide and then descend from the canyon sides to attack (Tier 5-7: (4) Human Rogue 4, Tier 8-9: (6) Human Rogue 4). After defeating their foes, the PCs discover tattoos upon the bandits revealing that they were Rubadah Assassins. It would almost seem that the assassins targeted the PCs rather than the convoy.
Arriving at the Golden Foundry, Al-Hallaj greets the retinue warmly. Also in attendance is the Guard Captain Achmed who is cold and distant. Lady Kafira retires straight to her quarters. Al-Hallaj leads a tour of the Foundry followed by an elegant feast. This tour provides the party an opportunity to learn of the recent events at the foundry such as several mining accidents and desertions by the guards. Additionally, they are shown the Vault of the Eternal Obelisk. During the dinner, one of the party members receives a note to rendezvous near the mine entrance at midnight.
The party arrives at the rendezvous to find the Steward petrified in rock and a mob of prisoners rushing to escape. An unshackled ettin is bearing down upon Achmed (Tier 5-7: (1) ettin, Tier 8-9: (2) ettin). The party must press through the mob (Str 14 check, difficult terrain) and come to the rescue of the Captain. As they battle, the foundations of the foundry shake with powerful tremors. The Obelisk has been disabled! Achmed exhorts the party to save the Obelisk. In only an hour the wrath of the volcano will be unleashed.
The party returns to the foundry level but their path is blocked by Sheik Osman and a band of Rubadah Assassins robbing the armory of its priceless hoard (Tier 5-7: (2) Human Rogue 4, (1) Human Rogue 5/Assassin 2), Tier 8-9: (3) Human Rogue 4, (1) Human Rogue 5/Assassin 2). The Sheik reveals his part in staging the destruction of the Assassin’s stronghold. He deceitfully offers a cut into the heist’s profits while his men move into position. The thieves tip tubs of molten metal and attack.
The party races to the vault and comes face to face with Rubadah, the medusa sorceress and leader of the Assassin Sect who had posed as Lady Kafira (Tier 5-7: Medusa Sorcerer 2, Tier 8-9: Medusa Sorcerer 4). The adventurers must stop her from finishing her sabotage. The DM rolls each round for random hazards such as falling rubble (Ref ½, 2d6 dam), blasts of gas, (Fort DC 15, stunned) or tremors (Balance DC 15, prone).

With luck, the party puts an end to the medusa and restores the obelisk to its proper place. In saving the Foundry the party will have exposed Osman’s perfidy and put an end to the Rubadah. As a gift, the party is presented with fine works of the forges. If the party fails the volcano will erupt destroying the Golden Foundry and devastating the valley.

Grand Lodge

Thanks, a few things:

Spoiler:

The mission doesn't seem to have much to do with the Society's goals or the background of Pathfinders. If the Ten had sufficient reason to want it done, I'm not sure why they would suggest for a bunch of faction-ridden tomb-raiders they happen to know to do it, rather than hire trustworthy mercenaries with proven experience in this sort of work.

How does the Society arrange for the PCs to become bodyguards to Sheik Osman? It sounds to me as if the Sheik and Rubadah know the PCs are fakes foisted on them by some outside party, but don't know who the PCs really are and are just trying to get rid of these unknown people who might complicate their plans. I think it's important to clarify this.

An aloof and unseen person in a veiled litter would sound like pretty obvious shenanigans to me as a player. What happens if some of the party take a stealthy peek, use divination, or just flat-out demand to know more about the person they're escorting? They're not actually employees or subordinates and it's not clear whether they might expect openness and cooperation as equals from the Sheik, depending on what he's been told about their presence.

There's no need to be coy, when you're talking to the editor or the DM: do the assassins target the PCs rather than attacking the convoy? It seems to me that the Sheik and Rubadah might just as well join in this attack to make sure of slaying the PCs, if there's no-one else around. There needs to be a reason for them to stage this attack as they do.

How do the players learn on the tour about mining accidents and desertions? These doesn't seem like the sorts of things a foundry supervisor would point out to his noble guests. It might be better for the players either to do some investigation to find this out, or, if you must use exposition rather than action, Al-Hallaj could draw them aside to tell them privately.

Who sent the note asking them to meet at the mine entrance? What did this person intend by it? It might be better for them to find out by a different means that an attack is going to happen.

There's a great deal not spelt out here about the conspiracy, who's in charge, whether the Society hierarchy who sent the PCs are involved, what the conspirators want and what they intend towards the PCs. You've described lots of thrilling action, not a few cliches being slung about and scenes narrated without giving the PCs many choices, but the underlying plot is still very unclear to me. I'm worried that this could describe a B-movie better than a game.

Scarab Sages RPG Superstar 2009 Top 4

Hello B_Wiklund. Here are some thoughts from reading your submission. I enjoyed reading it:

Spoiler:

B_Wiklund wrote:
For years, the Eyes of Rubadah, a band of deadly assassins and thieves, struck fear in the hearts of powerful sheiks and merchants along the Silken Road. However, a month ago Sheik Osman struck a fatal blow against the sinister murderers, storming their mountain fortress and reputedly slaying their leader, a veiled sorceress. The surviving members were sentenced to spend their lives toiling in the mine pits of the Golden Foundry. However, this was all staged according to the Sorceress’s design.

- Right away, we need to know what that design is. There is a complex plot in play and after reading your proposal, I still don't know what it is. Why does the Sorceress want to destroy the foundry? Why would assassins and murderers be sentenced to work at the finest foundry in Qadira? I can suspend disbelief a bit here but you are definitely stretching.

B_Wiklund wrote:
The Golden Foundry is the finest forger of weapons and metalwork in all of Qadira. The foundry lies in the Zho Mountains at the foot of the volcano, Mount Iblis. In the heart of the mountain lies the Eternal Obelisk, an artifact that holds the volcano’s fury in check. This allows the foundry to mine and use the volcanic heat in their crafting. It has long supplied the Pathfinder Society with many exquisitely crafted weapons and armour. The Ten have received a plea for help from Al-Hallaj, the Steward of the foundry and a former member. Al-Hallaj suspects sabotage and does not trust his own people. The Steward insists upon absolute secrecy. The party is sent undercover as bodyguards to Sheik Osman and Lady Kafira, a noble couple touring the foundry. Inside, the adventurers must uncover a deadly conspiracy before it is too late.

- This introduction sets out a premise of "uncover the conspiracy," an objective that your subsequent encounters do not deliver on. Instead, you have some RP scenes and then a big battle-chase. If this was to be an infiltration adventure, I think the encounters needed to be more stealthy in nature. I also still have a hard time with the basic premise; that this foundry is so poorly guarded, easily infiltrated, and easily destroyed. Or that the Pathfinders are organized enough to have a particular weapon manufacturer deep in Qadira supplying them with arms and armor.

B_Wiklund wrote:
The party escorts the Sheik’s procession into the mountains. The Sheik is a charismatic but boastful warrior with a booming laugh. His wife, Lady Kafira remains aloof and unseen in her veiled litter. The party is ambushed when scouting ahead by bandits who cause a rock slide and then descend from the canyon sides to attack (Tier 5-7: (4) Human Rogue 4, Tier 8-9: (6) Human Rogue 4). After defeating their foes, the PCs discover tattoos upon the bandits revealing that they were Rubadah Assassins. It would almost seem that the assassins targeted the PCs rather than the convoy.

- So the sheik and the sorceress want the PC's dead and know who they are. The objective set up by the Pathfinders (deep cover) is already blown by the first encounter? Also, if the PC's need to be taken out, why wouldn't the sheik and the medusa just kill 'em when they return badly wounded from the ambush? This encounter doesn't make much sense.

B_Wiklund wrote:
Arriving at the Golden Foundry, Al-Hallaj greets the retinue warmly. Also in attendance is the Guard Captain Achmed who is cold and distant. Lady Kafira retires straight to her quarters. Al-Hallaj leads a tour of the Foundry followed by an elegant feast. This tour provides the party an opportunity to learn of the recent events at the foundry such as several mining accidents and desertions by the guards. Additionally, they are shown the Vault of the Eternal Obelisk. During the dinner, one of the party members receives a note to rendezvous near the mine entrance at midnight.

- who sends this note? remember, this is not a proposal to be read by the PC's, it's an outline telling Josh exactly what happens in the adventure. You need to keep nothing hidden, spell out the whole plot, and offer a clear vision of how this adventure progresses from start to finish. What are the RP opportunities here? are the PC's supposed to uncover the assassins in their midst? or is this just really a scenic tour through the foundry?

B_Wiklund wrote:

The party returns to the foundry level but their path is blocked by Sheik Osman and a band of Rubadah Assassins robbing the armory of its priceless hoard (Tier 5-7: (2) Human Rogue 4, (1) Human Rogue 5/Assassin 2), Tier 8-9: (3) Human Rogue 4, (1) Human Rogue 5/Assassin 2). The Sheik reveals his part in staging the destruction of the Assassin’s stronghold. He deceitfully offers a cut into the heist’s profits while his men move into position. The thieves tip tubs of molten metal and attack.

The party races to the vault and comes face to face with Rubadah, the medusa sorceress and leader of the Assassin Sect who had posed as Lady Kafira (Tier 5-7: Medusa Sorcerer 2, Tier 8-9: Medusa Sorcerer 4). The adventurers must stop her from finishing her sabotage. The DM rolls each round for random hazards such as falling rubble (Ref ½, 2d6 dam), blasts of gas, (Fort DC 15, stunned) or tremors (Balance DC 15, prone).

- Okay, you have several good scenes. I can see the encounter areas in my head, and can imagine how they might play out. You are executing these very well. I'm just not sold on the setup.

B_Wiklund wrote:
With luck, the party puts an end to the medusa and restores the obelisk to its proper place. In saving the Foundry the party will have exposed Osman’s perfidy and put an end to the Rubadah. As a gift, the party is presented with fine works of the forges. If the party fails the volcano will erupt destroying the Golden Foundry and devastating the valley.

Overall Impression: I think your writing is solid and your ideas that go into encounter building are all fine. The premise holding the adventure together is a bit on the weak side and the objective (deep cover to find the saboteurs) is not delivered upon. You need to establish what kind of adventure this is and make good on it.

I hope this is helpful.

-eric

RPG Superstar 2012

Thank you for the opportunity to review your proposal. I don't have much to add beyond the comments above, but I hope my additional comments are helpful:

Spoiler:
I'm going to echo the comment about spelling out your villains' plans. The editor doesn't need to guess your villains' motivations. You can put something in the scenario to tell the DM to raise doubts in the players' minds. I suspect that most players won't care about the assassins specifically targeting them instead of the caravan, and Osman's and Rubadah's plans advance during the course of the adventure.

I liked the flow of the encounters. I thought they held together very well thematically. I think the ettin's presence needs to be explained earlier in the overview ("Ettins and other giants have been conscripted to work the mines...").

There isn't a clear reason why the Pathfinder Society to get involved. I think the Society can get their weapons and armor from enough sources that losing the Foundry would be an inconvenience at worst.

Finally, the summary is missing or subsumed in the overview and encounter description. I think headers would be helpful in making the outline more clear.

I wish you luck in future submissions!

If you want to give me some input on my proposal, that would be wonderful. It's over here.

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