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From Jeff Rient's wonderful gameblog, comes this handy chart for when your adventurers suddenly burst in on the stupid little freaks. Just roll 1d20 and rock out.
What are the goblins up to?
1. Making rope out of human hair. A coil 1-100' long is already complete.
2. Boiling up a pot of mud and gravel stew.
3. Singing songs about hidden treasure.
4. Playing poker with blank cards. The printing on both sides is visible only to creatures with infravision
5. Dancing. At least one goblin will be playing an instrument, probably a fiddle or a concertina.
6. Playing tenpins with a skull and some legbones.
7. Interrogating a rat tied to a tiny chair. "I'm gonna ask you one last time: Where is the cheese?"
8. Building a house of cards with the deck from item 4.
9. Discussing the pros and cons of sexual congress with a wide variety of other monsters and races.
10. Eating meat pie. The pie might be stirge or it might be pixie. The goblins can't remember what they put in it.
11. Debating the crisis of succession that would arise from the untimely demise of the current goblin king.
12. Shining shoes of various sizes (kobold to ogre). They all radiate faintly under detect magic but have no known powers.
13. Three words: bunny eating contest.
14. Reading aloud someone else's love letters, preferably detailed notes to or from one of the PCs.
15. Sewing filthy rags into patchwork tunics. If a completed tunic is worn it protects as platemail+1. If the garment is cleaned the magic fades. 1-3 tunics have been completed.
16. Drawing obscene grafitti on the dungeon walls. Each goblin has d4 pieces of chalk in various colors.
17. Arguing vehemently over the proposition that cannibalism should be kept strictly in the family.
18. Strip chess tournament. There's a 1 in 6 chance at least some of the goblins are already in the all-together. Not a sight for the faint of heart.
19. Pickling sliced shrieker. 1-20 jars are done.
20. Trying on pretty pink dresses.
I didn't know goblins were smart enough to play chess. In Red Hand OD they play stick beetle and a few other games.
I like the idea but would likely excise a few of the items. Strip chess? Nekid Goblins running around trying to kill you.
What are the Goblins doing?
21. Each other!
Save vs. SAN loss. There is no save against the blindness.
New spell: Eye Bleach
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How about making this a bigger list? d100
21: throwing trash at a tied up dog
22: having a fermented urine drinking contest
23: cooking a horseleg on an open fire
24: playing swords with broken chairlegs
25: dressing up in children's clothing
26: having a fight over a straw-doll, the doll ripped and now one of the goblins is drawing his dogchoper to kill the one who ripped it.
27: goblins gathered around ating another goblins corpse.
28: goblins are playing hide n seek...one is counting "3..4...7...2...10!"
29: goblins playing with blocks...made from feces and mud.
30: throwing cards from 4 above into a helmet...none are going in since they forgot to remove the head...
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31. Singing annoying and gross children's songs.
"Mutilated monkey meat,
little bloody chicken's feet!
French friend eyeballs,
dipped in a gooey sauce..."
32. Goblin strippers are dancing lasciviously (i.e. grotesquely) in front of a crowd of cheering males, who are throwing copper pieces at them and hooting.
33. Fighting each other, just a mass of legs and arms and weapons, half-concealed by kicked-up dust, with a few bodies lying around. If interrupted, they don't even remember how it started...
34. Playing 'pin the tail on the donkey' with a tied up halfling, staggering around blindfolded with their knives out, poking randomly, trying to be the one that 'wins the game' by stabbing the halfling (and not one of each other!).
35. Having an arrow-catching contest to determine who gets to be leader. Things aren't going well.
Contributor
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I'm game for a d100 list
31. Spontaneous goblin play: Two goblins are dressed up in human clothing, shreiking in garbled Common (or maybe just saying "Bah bah bah bah"), and hitting each other with sticks.
32. Seeing who can dribble snot or saliva out of their mouth, make the longest string, and then suck it back up without breaking. One goblin is cheating.
33. Playing "Keep Away" with knives
34. Fighting over a broken spyglass, and arguing that only they know how to fix it
35. Peeing
36. Taking turns making up dirty limricks that don't rhyme
37. Poking a fire with a stick
38. Throwing small animals against a wall, and screaming with glee
39. One goblin has somehow managed to dye his head purple, and the others are trying to make him tell how. The purple-headed goblin doesn't remember, but claims it has something to do with the latrine
40. Throwing dogslicers at a crude target made of a human or dog torso
41. Debating the finer points of Goblins and Gnomes 3.5 vs. 4e.
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41: Goblin juggling three rats...ending with the three rats going "plop" "plop" "plop" into it's toothy maw. It grins, with 2 tails and a rat head hanging out of it's teeth.
42: Goblin doing a pantomime of a local king, it's crown made of rat bones, the other goblins are throwing rotten food at him...a sign of great respect amongst goblins
43: Goblins havin a hootenanny! Complete with jug and washboard...
44: Goblins trying to catch a giggling goblin child running around in the buff.
45: Goblins playing ball, with the head of a goblin doglover.
46: Blood-soaked goblins playing jump rope with horse intestines...
47: Hungry goblins wait for the Goblin chef to serve the freshly roasted puppy.
48: Three goblins standing on each others shoulders dressed in a dress and high heels. Saying "I am a lady..." over and over
49: Goblin juggling knives...ending with the three knives going "plop" "plop" "plop" into it's toothy maw...as it falls over dead.
50:There were some goblins who lived in a shoe...of a storm giant.
51:Goblins playing catch the kitty cat. The goblins are covered in scratches, the cat is beyond insane...
Director of Sales
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Also... this list (so far) is a great supplement to the "Typical Goblin Distractions" sidebar in the Goblin section of the Classic Monsters Revisited.
Just sayin'. :)
55. Having a Otyugh feces eating contest (Players must make a DC 20 FORT save or be sickened)
Oh dear... must steer this thread away from fecal humor.
55 because 52 was used twice.
#56 Playing 'Wish Chicken'. Two goblins grab a live chicken by a leg (traditionally they grab different legs but sometimes there is confusion on this part). The goblins then pull the chicken until the chicken tears in 2 parts. The winner is the one that has the biggest piece. The prize is (duh) the biggest piece... the goblin got his wish. Variants include Wish Frog, Wish Cat, and the goblin's favorite 'Wish Dog'.
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#56 Playing 'Wish Chicken'. Two goblins grab a live chicken by a leg (traditionally they grab different legs but sometimes there is confusion on this part). The goblins then pull the chicken until the chicken tears in 2 parts. The winner is the one that has the biggest piece. The prize is (duh) the biggest piece... the goblin got his wish. Variants include Wish Frog, Wish Cat, and the goblin's favorite 'Wish Dog'.
Wish I'da thoughta that! good one!
And yup, I missed 52 earlier..I was trying to catch those.
After we finish with d100, we should go on to d1000...
57: Goblin stew: The goblins are "taking a bath" in a large cauldron, while others slowly adding wood to the fire.
58: Tag! Goblins are writing graffiti on the walls with various stolen paints
59: Slip n slide: the goblins are running cross the room and sliding on a pile of offal and refuse.
60: Cataloging: One golbin is trying to catalog everything they got in their last raid...so she's having other goblins break open the winecasks, food bags and other boxes to see what's inside...with the ness created it's ruining everything.
57: Goblin stew: The goblins are "taking a bath" in a large cauldron, while others slowly adding wood to the fire.
A variant is two goblins are trying to figure out that you can boil a goblin alive and he won't notice it as long as you bring the temperature up slowly. A third goblin is enjoying a hot bath.
~laughter~ I am so swiping this! Thanks!
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61.- Goblins martial training... of course the idea of a group of globlins tring unsuccessfully to hit a fakehuman in the distance, with half dozen spears broken around it... thegoblins who arenot throwing are laughting... the deal... the one who hits...will haveto go for the spears... time the others use to throw more spears for him to recover... sometimes fatally.
62.- goblin mother teaching her sons anddaughters how to sing... the sound cames directfrom hell
63.- a goblin is trying to read a book and fancies himself a wizard... he is trying to read itwhile the book is top to bottom
Exploring the uses of sovereign glue. Roll d10 to see what gets stuck:
d10
- 1 Goblin stuck to wall (trying to use the glue to spider climb)
- 2 Goblin's mouth glued shut (thought he could eat it)
- 3 2 Goblins glued together trying to kill a third goblin with glue bottle
- 4 Goblin glued to goblin dog (got tired of falling off)
- 5 Goblin glued to floor
- 6 500 gold pieces glued to a goblin
- 7 Goblins glued an ogre to the floor right next to the doorway
- 8 Human prisoner glued to ceiling (live or dead)
- 9 Halfling prisoner glued hand and foot to 2 boards and forced to walk around and carry loads
- 10 Goblin's hands glued to his head
Who let the Goblins out? Who? Who?
~runs, ducks, and covers~
67) Goblins playing skip. With razor wire.
68) Goblin Scream Orchestra
69) As 68, but screaming humanoids are used as instruments (are they string instruments? Bow instrument? Percussion?)
70) Big "who-can-shout-HASTUR-the-most-often-the-fastest" contest
71) Anatomy Bingo with prisoners.
72) Blindfolded Fencing
73) Insult Contest (PCs are asked to join)
74) Gobins dancing around a hole chanting SEVEN! SEVEN! SEVEN! (of course, if anyone approaches to ask what they're doing, they rush the guy, toss him into the whole, and start cahnting EIGHT! EIGHT! EIGHT!)
76) Napalm sticks to kids. A horrible accident involving a barrel of alchemist's fire has just occurred in this chamber. 1d6 goblins are running in random directions, on fire. They are shrieking in pain between bouts of laughter and squeals of delight at the fire. The goblins may make a bull rush attempt against the PCs. If successful, the PC struck is not moved back by the bull rush, but must instead make a DC 12 Reflex save to avoid catching on fire and suffering 1d6 fire damage per round. DC +2 for each goblin that makes such a bull rush attempt.
77) Know thy enemy. 1d6 goblins are attending a seminar on human, elven, canine, and equine anatomy. Crude figures are drawn on the wall as a visual aid, with arrows and tips to help in a fight.
Eyes: "Stik finger heer."
Ears: "Elf ear pointy. Worth more than hooman."
Groin: "Hit hard. Much funny."
Hoof: "Dont git steppt on. Big ouch."
[dog's] Tail: "Grab this, spin twice, release."
78) Mortuary Science. A goblin shaman is teaching her apprentices the fine art of making shrunken heads. There are 1d10 heads of varying creatures in various stages of being prepared [de-boned, sewn shut, being stuffed with hot sand, being smoked over a fire]. For extra horror, have one of the PCs recognize a head!
Edit: Perhaps there's a functioning Hand of Glory somewhere in the room.
The moral of this story is: Don't get captured by goblins.
79) An idea so clever, your foot falls off. Two goblins are in the room. One is seated on the floor, one foot propped up on a rock. The second goblin is about to trim the first goblin's toenails...with a scythe.
80) Chicken fight. Six goblins are in the room. Three of the goblins are mounted on the shoulders of the other three. Each pair is trying to knock the others over by kicking, punching, biting, and pelting each other with live poultry. Each goblin has 1d3 hit points of subdual damage from fighting.