So, I'm playing a character that is (normally) a lighthearted jokester, but who has recently died and came back as a vampire. He's epic depressed about it, but has (or will have) taken to using jokes about his death / undeath to conceal his sorrow and pain about death and make his friends think he's ok with it. That said, I'm looking for some help in the jokes about undeath / death department if at all possible.
I'll start out with some of the more obvious and occasionally pun-esque ones.
"Stop. Stop! ...You're killing me." (In regards to a bad joke)
"Dead man walking." (Walking into a tough battle / suicide mission)
"I'm a dead ringer!" (When making a crit)
I guess I'm not looking for full on jokes about undead perse, but more puns and quick quips that he can direct at himself some times. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
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Hang on, let me catch my breath. (forced breathing sounds) This might take awhile.
So you are looking for self-referential (and possibly self deprecating?) vampire jokes...
And I assume you don't want them to suck? Nothing that will make your party's blood boil? (Because it wouldn't taste as good!) I'll consider shining some sunlight on your dilemma, since you ashed so nicely. Maybe some wooden pointers to lead you to your heart's desire.
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Why would anyone (save maybe Paladins, Pharasmins, and other positive energy junkies) be "epic depressed" about becoming a vampire? Unhappy with some of the downsides, that I can see, but not "epic depressed."
Anyways:
(in response to someone making a request of them) "Of corpse!"
(upon meeting an important character who he's been seeking to meet since before his transformation) "I've been dying to meet you!"
(when trying to reassure someone who's frightened of them) "It's okay, I don't bite...oh, wait, yes I do. But trust me anyways!"
(after someone does them a big favor) "You have my undying gratitude!"
(before killing a longrunning adversary) "Fangs for the memories!"
"Your secret is safe with me. It'll never see the light of day."
"There's alot at stake here!"
"Please take this seriously. It is a very grave matter."
"Well, that's a bloody shame."
"Are you seriously asking me to reflect on what I've done?"
Why would anyone (save maybe Paladins, Pharasmins, and other positive energy junkies) be "epic depressed" about becoming a vampire? Unhappy with some of the downsides, that I can see, but not "epic depressed."
Well, he liked living quite a bit and this is a special vampire type whose downsides are quite... down there. Anyways, doesn't matter.
Good stuff so far everyone. Thanks!
"My heart bleeds for you. Oh wait, not it doesn't!
"Be still my non-beating heart."
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Don't think of it as necrophilia. Think of it as post mortem love.
Too a victim just out of reach, " Come on down, it's your turn to play the bite is right."
(upon leaving) "Bats all, folks!"
(mingling) "I like to be the life of the party."
(meal times) "I'm hungry . . . like the wolf."
(after exertion) "Boy, am I dead tired."
(upon waking) "Of course I slept well; I sleep like the dead!"
"How's it feel to be dead? Well, I'm living with it."
"I come like the teeth in the night."
If the right module is part of the campaign, "I am the Lord of FANGwood Keep!"
When something is very likely: "Well, that's a dead cert then!"
If asked how he is: "Ok, but I've been coffin a lot recently."
Natural 1: "I suck at this."
"Yes, I got bitten by a new hobby."
"It was a heart-stopping experience. Still stopped!"
"You know, now I'm drop dead gorgeous."
"Can't wait to see what everyone else thinks! I'm dying to see their faces."
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"the Suspense, it's killing me"
(when low on health)"You know it's not so bad not having blood"
(response to a bad joke)"that's so funny, I forgot to die"
(being forced to go into daylight)"you know sunlight isn't ALWAYS great for your complexion"
When you drain someone:
"Sank you for donating to the blood-drive! It's for a good cause!"
"So what do you do for a living? I don't."
When accused of being undead:
"How dare you call me 'dead'! That's discrimination against the differently-alive."
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(When stuck with a dagger) "Remember the good old days when daggers killed things..."
(When the talkative bad guy goes down) "Oh, what's that? I'm sorry, I don't speak DEAD."
"Hey, remember back in training when they said, 'You can't be a good Paladin if you're a dead Paladin?' Well, here's your chance to prove them wrong."
"Hurt? Dude, I'm freaking dead."
"Now you're dead. You're even deader than me..."
"Hi, welcome to ZombieLand."
We shouldn't joke so much, this is a grave matter.
I'm so garlic for your loss.
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It's too bad you're not a Skeletal Champion or I'd just tell you to read One Piece.
(When stuck with a dagger) "Remember the good old days when daggers killed things..."
or the "you know... if I still felt threatened by that..."
"What's that coffin sound?"
"My hearse horse is hoarse."
Good stuff everyone. A bunch of ones I'll probably use. Thanks again.
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(when failing a skill check, or being proven wrong) "Oh well. Exist and learn, they say."
(when being asked a personal question) "That secret goes with me to the grave. And I won't tell it there either."
(getting the party to hurry) "Come on, we're burning moonlight!" OR "I'm not getting any less dead over here!"
(Intimidate check) "Forgive me, it's been a while since I had to keep track for myself. Which one is it that you can lose one and still live with the other: lungs or kidneys?"
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Don't worry, you're not my type.
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(when surprised) "You scared me half to life!"
It's too bad you're not a Skeletal Champion or I'd just tell you to read One Piece.
Yeah, I immediately thought of Brook when I read the title as well.
"I'm waiting!" "I don't have all Eternity you know!" "As a matter of Facts, I do, [insert more funny lines there] !"
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:Sure, lets go to the buffet, uhh, I mean market."
"Are you going to eat that?" ::pointing to bound captive::
"Just like the best parties, I get started when the sun goes down."
"What do I look like, an albino hemophiliac?"
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I'm a universal recipient.
The clot thickens.
Enemy: "It's in the Blood."
"Now, that's the one word you shouldn't have said!"
(To a vendor) "Youre SUCKING me dry here! It should be the other way around.
Duck and cover whenever someone mentions steak, look insulted when steak is said to be delishious.
(Insult) "Is your face covered in garlic or are you normally this repulsive?"
(Reply to a surprise or exhilerating situation) "Sheesh, that got my heart beating for a moment there."
(At the sight of sleeping children) "D-aw, theire like little sleeping blood lollypops".
(When someone gets angry) "Do you have a high blood pressure? I can fix that for you!"
(After someone inflicts a dramatic bleeding wound or cuts someone's throat) "Hey! Dont waste food!!" or "Did your mother never teach you not to waste food?"
Make references to regular food whenever you feed. "Anyone know where I cant get some ice? I prefer it nice and cool when it´s sunny". "Tastes just like chicken."
(If your character is human and is called a monster while feeding on human) "Im not a monster, have you never heard the term "you are what you eat?""
"Bloody delicious, speaking of which."
"Graves? I call them boxed lunch."
"Have scarfes ever somehow reminded you of sushi?"
(Exiting battle) "Gets your blood movign again doesnt it?"
"A Walk on the beach, stroll in the sun, instant death"
"A Walk on the beach, stroll in the sun, instant death"
You pretty much described an Arkansas summer.
"I heard my preys have an overpopulation problem over there."
When making a spot check against a living ambusher,"What's happening BLOOD!"
When trying to ID magic items,"Dibs on the evil stuff!" If you're playing RAW Pathfinder, undead are automatically evil.
When interrogating an enemy,"You can tell my friend now, or tell me as my undead minion."
The "I have a particular set of skills" speech becomes so much scarier now.
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what did a zombie said to another zombie... "aaaahh", and what did the zombie answered?... "aaaahh"
Conversation with an undertaker:
"How's business?"
"Pretty dead, since you ask."
or when speaking to a group of undead, before setting out on a task:
"Let's move people. Time to look ali ... erh, never mind."
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"Hey, have you heard about the new cemetery?"
"Yeah, people are dying to get in there."
or when speaking to a group of undead, before setting out on a task:
- "Let's move people. Time to look ali ... erh, never mind."
- "Let's move, the dinners are waiting."
- "You have no Undeath." (Kinda like someone would say "You have no life.")
- "What's that stink? [x], you are decomposing, ever heard of Gentle Repose?"
- "Not these ones, we haven't stuffed 'em up yet."
"Where's Johann?"
"He's resting and decomposing his thoughts."
(said by one ghoul to the other) "Pass me another cold one!"
Life is wasted on the living.
Oh I'm a good person. I donate blood all the time. Just not my own.