We've secretly replaced IHIYC's hat with a new species of brain-eating mimic. Let's see if he notices the difference.
IHIYC doesn't have a brain. I removed it for him. After all, you don't really need one to function in todays society. Uncle Teddy is the next closest target.
You're my brain, to be precise, and I'm busy headbutting concrete pillars while listening to Beiber sings Streisland in between great big swigs of meths and malt liquor. I give you two hours at most.
I activate the mechanism to cause two of the concrete pillars Pulg is headbutting to crush his skull by slamming together with 400,00psi of force.
:produces Larry and Moe. they are carrying saws, hammers,and tongs:
There is your long lost brother boys: say hello...
The cosmic entity known as the corpse spinner injects her young into GoatToucher's brain. You are now a corpses-spun zombie. An incubator for her young.
I jab my cane (which is really a cattle prod) into THeMonocleRogue's eye. The electrical discharge fries his brain, along with pretty much the rest of his head. I guess the cane-prod packs a larger jolt than I thought.
I put a whole packet of my patent Super Viagra, Spanish Fly, Goat Power Glands and Magic Internet Winkie Pills into Grandpa Wonderbra's tea, making it fly out and hit him in the eye when he's out on the balcony. He gets banned from the retirement complex as a result and loses the will to live.
Pulg gets a cane cattle prod to the back of his head, resulting in one very dead Pulg with a serious fizzy hair problem.
: hides ROG's grabber device, puts his heart medication on the top shelf in the cabinet, and shows him a video of last Saturday's "festivities":
:ROG's carcass is found two weeks later, partially eaten by his cat:
* Detect Evil *
That's a lot of evil.
* Draws Holy Avenger and smites GoatToucher until there is nothing left but a stain on the ground. Proceeds to dump enough holy water on the ground to reduce even that to nothingness. *
There, that takes care of that.
Straps Uncle Teddy to a chair and puts an Oculus on his head. An Oculus tuned to XtremeGoatToucher.com's live feed - WITH SMELL-O-VISION!
Ahhh! The pain, the terror, the horror!
Using my Mythic Helm of Telepathy I force Pulg to experience the same anguish I am experiencing. If I'm going out I'm taking my executioner out with me.
:simply stands there and watches Pulg and UT devolve into creatures of pure Id due to watching his exploits, and feels delight:
I call up Artemis Fowl and the Doctor, force them to work together; and sit back and watch the flashy fairy fireworks from afar.
"I wonder what's going to happen to GoatToucher..."
While Doomkitten is busy watching the show I go all sneaky sneaky and WHA-BAM! Captain Caveman club to the dome. Say goodnight to the Sandman.
I use the patented Sneak Up Behind The Enemy And Bash Them Over The Head Trick™ on The last Je'Dali. WHILE he is trying to sneak up on The Doomkitten. Then I get payed by the patent office.
Candygram for Goddity! Candygram for Goddity!
(Turns out to be an explosive package. No candy)
While my decoy was matching the show, I set up enough paradoxes to cause a time spur in Goddity's area, and while s/he's/they are counting his/her/their money, Reapers come and devour you.
Sorry Doomkitty. I AM a walking paradox. I come from outside your universe. And they learned to run away from me a long time ago. Or in the future. Linear time is weird. But because I exist outside it I am perfectly capable of making your parents explode. And to spite you, I do it with a bomb shaped like a Tardis.
The Doomkitten you killed was actually a stupid Dorian Grey science fiction clone from my tenure as CEO of SERVEYOU Inc. Realizing your inherent paradoxical nature, I realize brute force will have to do.
*Opens Genesis Ark, and programs herself as Supreme Leader in the Dalek Pathweb*
Have fun, boys!
"EXTERMINATE!"
I gift you with the candy gram Monocle Rogue handed me because I respect a worthy opponent.
:gently licks one of Goddity's earlobes:
One way or another, you'll be dead in a few minutes.
I stuff the candygram into my bag of holding, throw a portable hole at GoatToucher, and toss the bag into the hole. I then dial up "Evil, Inc." to contract a few villains.
"Hello? Yes, I would like to be put through to the Masters."
"Plural?"
"Yes, all of the Masters. The Great Old Ones, the Doctor's nemesis, and that freaky vampire from the Buffyverse."
"Yes, I would like your help. No, I won't help you kill the Doctor. No, I won't give you control of the surface world. Yes, there is a platoon of Kromaggs headed toward your respective dimensions. No, I won't accept the Creepy Cultist robes for only $19.99. I may be able to help with those meddling kids. Now, your target is..."
*points at GoatToucher*
"...him. He's on the astral plane. Have fun."
*hangs up*
And if he doesn't die from all of these references alone, the others will get him.
Fine. We can make this a battle of references. I shall now reference myself. I shoot you with the Book Canon!
Here have a brown coat, don't mind the holes. And welcome Serenity Valley.
Eh, huh? This human not from around...he not notice dogslicer up neck.
Ah well, Poog now has new meat for bonfire.
IHIYC is killed by the Make Goblins Treated Well society. The weapon? Firebombs, shanking, and bad hygiene.
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I report Goddity to the Goblin's Union (chaired by Comrade Anklebiter, naturally) for her manipulating the MGTW into doing its dirtywork. They promptly head over to Goddity's place with a generous supply of dogslicers, pickle forks, fire lances, and flint, tinder, crude petroleum, and Zoogz Rift albums....
Then the Fair Treatment Of Goblin Lynch Mobs Society makes you pay for their ammo. But it is way more than you can afford so they lynch you too.
* Informs the FToGLMS that Drowblade is really a horse in disguise and hands the little buggers several high explosives, firearms, and other implements of destruction then quickly leaves the country *
The FToGLMS proceeds to set off enough fireworks to destroy the continent. With Uncle Ted on it.
Now, after Goddity my brothers slay the action figure model where it stands.
Poor The Goblin Knight... He was captured while rejoicing over Goddity's demise. His eyes were stapled open and he was forced to read Dianetics by L. Ron Hubbard whereby his brain promptly implodes.
I invoke Order 99 upon IHIYC - it's 50% more devastating and deadly than Order 66. In fact, I cannot even go into details, but I can say that soon all evidence of the clown will cease to exist.
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I can work enough in the way of mathemagic to perform a simple arithmantic actualization - thus, I add 1 to Uncle Teddy's Order 99 to transform it into an Order 100. Foolish Uncle Teddy, however, has been utilizing a strictly binary code, and hence, his "Order 100" can only become an "Order 00," causing HIM to cease to exist! Let this be a lesson to you all: Tread lightly among higher mathematics, for it is treacherous ground!
I distill the blackberry essence of Tvastri in order to make Abdul Cassis, a procedure he/she/both/neither is guaranteed not to survive
I use the Death Ray... wait for it ... ™
I disembowel Goddity with a pair of chopsticks.
It takes some time.
I boil up IHIYC with sugar and vanilla essence, put him into an icing bag and then pipe him onto a cake - OF DEATH.
I reveal to IHIYC my true age - the information is just too much for his fragile mind to spare. He snaps and joins Pulg in the cotton candy machine.