You're the GM, you're the boss. You're chief cat herder. You're big mommy and daddy. You're the judge and the jury. You're the benevolent god and the wrathful one. You are their only hope. You're the master, leeroy. You are their father. You are the chosen one. You're the last dragon. You're the one will simply walk into Mordor...
...I was going somewhere with this...I really was...
You like plot so stick with that.
Perhaps if you refrain from shielding them when death comes for them it will make the ones craving challenge a little happier. Just focus the plot around the ones most likely to enjoy it.
In the end run the game you want to run first and foremost. Adapt that game to accommodate your players personal styles second. If there is a conflict in styles remember your the GM so your style wins. I would toss out number 4... playing with cheaters is never fun. You either have to turn a blind eye to his abuses or forever act like his policeman.
When I have players that are as diverse as this I design the adventures with their characters in mind. Throwing each one a bone as often as I can. Do things like give the player that likes to play for laughs a little side project to run off and take care of.
Something simple, that can be taken care of quickly but lets him stretch his legs.
Give the character who loves to roleplay some NPCs to interact with that matter to him but not necessarily the main plot. So he can have conversations and make decisions that don't always affect the entire party.
If you can give details on their current characters and whats going on in the game I'd be happy to write up some more specific ideas for you to tinker with and draw ideas from.
Yeah, seems like a solid group from what you've said. I guess I was trying to say that you've got to be the one, unfortunately, who has to alternatively drop the hammer, kiss the boo-boos, unhurt the butthurt, herd the strays and keep the peace, sometimes with honey and sometimes with vinegar.
The only things that jump out at me are the cheating and the meanness, the rest is just trying to share something with other people who all have different personalities, idiosyncracies and foibles.
The cheating and meanness, however, have to stop. Period.
You're the only one who gets to cheat, it's called "GM Fiat".
And you're the only one who gets to be mean, because the tears of players are delicious.
I have an idea
Create a plot/campaign that focuses the story on #1, kills #2, puts 3 in a ludicrous circumstance (must where a clown suit and ride a pig to get past the royal guard comes to mind), lets 4 kill the big bad guy, and drags 5 along for the ride clueless as can be.
1 can be sensitive. If something isn't going the right way they get upset thinking they are doing it all wrong, which is hard when 4 tries to be the hero. He outright introduces himself as the leader every time, and must have every letter, fight the main boss first and will actually get upset for others taking his kills. Always out to win, with backstories that he feels gives him the right to be sanctimonious.
Tell this guy to stop being a douchebag, seriously. Unless it isn't as bad as it sounds. It sounds pretty bad.
3 is rarely serious, and often tries to make things weird. Has lots of fun, but I think the idea of it all confuses her a bit.
She seems fine. I assume her trying to make things weird doesn't disrupt anything?
5 is usually fine, but if he ever chooses to be anything but a clueless girl he snaps at the party insulting every idea they come up with. If he does play, he often can be brilliant, but when the brilliancy is less than stellar and doesn't work he will pout and stall the whole game. Not arguing but simply because if he can't play the right way than not at all.
Tell him to chill out too. Seems like him and 1 are the big problem children here as far as in-game stuff goes. He kinda needs to realize that in a game of luck, your plans aren't always going to turn out right.
4 also tries to do all he can to get away with everything. I know he cheats at attributes, which made me put in a rule of 16 14 12 11 10 8 as the starting stats, which also annoys 5 as he tends to like to break games, and play with stuff.
Instead of restricting everyone, make him roll/allocate stuff in front of you.
I like to fiddle with attributes too but that's mostly because I'm the GM half the time and don't want challenging NPCs to have garbage stats and the other half I'm trying to fill a niche in the party and nobody wants the character to suck because I rolled bad stats, so everyone's fine if I bump Int up by 2 while dropping Cha by a similar amount.
In your case, you do care about the cheating, so however you do stats, just make him do it in front of you. Point Buy is as simple to regulate as just looking at his character sheet and going "Nope, you can't do that".
Edit: Reading your second post on this guy, seems like the bigger problem is he has a big case of "anything I don't agree with is badwrongfun"-itis. Tell him to quit it.
And the loot nonsense can easily be fixed by telling him that the entirety of the party knocks him unconscious and divvies up the loot remaining between themselves.
He should get the idea after a session of not getting any of the treasure that "finders keepers" works both ways.
Also, next time he mentions that Lawful good Rogues are bad and wrong or some nonsense, point out the Investigator archetype to him.
And party bickering actually made the characters AND players invent the talking horn so they can air their grievances. Which can get mean.But they are the only gamers around. I can't kick any out, as that would just cutting off my nose to spite my face.
Any suggestions?
Sounds like they're a pretty disparate group.
I guess the real question is, do you all enjoy each other's company the majority of the time? If so, that's pretty easy to work out. Sit down with everyone next time you game and point out their flaws. I know that helped me with my s!%*ty rules lawyer impersonation (pro tip: make sure at least one person at the table knows the Grapple rules. =/), and I've tried to cut down on that.
Usually people don't realize they're doing something that irritates other people until it's pointed out directly to them.
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My friends are the greatest. However, at the table they were a complete train wreck. I would so love to have a functioning game with my best mates. It just wasn't in the stars for us. I don't know how bad your situation is but you might want to consider leaving them and finding a more serious cohesive gaming group.
You said you like plot, well death can be part of a plot. I have had characters die in my plot heavy campaigns, I even had a TPK in one. I just planned for it, so it gets incorporated in. For instance, I knew a TPK would happen, my worlds are sandboxy and the players were getting reckless, when it did, it let me introduce an NPC that would have long lasting effects on the end game.
There are also spells that alleviate death and have mechanical penalties. Point them out, get them used to the idea.
Or introduce Hero Points. That way, kill'em whenever, they can use their points to deal with that issue, plus feel kick butt about it.