Let's Play Calvinball!!

[Ensirio the Longstrider]

My appleseed spaces are already trees. I ascend and gain +2 defense vs. doctors for 24 hours.

[Scintillae]

Well, I just compared that score to an orange, which means the scores are now colors!

[Irontruth]

I have no choice then, I have to hide the toaster or I'm out.

[I'm Hiding In Your Closet]

Excellent! Since I am the official Guardian of All Things Secret and Hidden, that means I now own the toaster! I will use it to dictate the suit of each color:

Infrared: Swords
Red: Cups
Orange: Pentacles
Yellow: Pentacles
Green: Wands
Blue: Pentacles
Indigo: Swords
Violet: Wands
Ultraviolet: Paper!

[Marthian]

the Official Guardian of All Things Secret and Hidden is hiding in my closet, and as such I get 5 points every second... Darn I got 5134 points already.

[DJEternalDarkness]

Microwave popcorn counts each kernal as 3 points giving me 191 points.

Numberwang!

[drunken_nomad]

Everyone go fish!

[Ensirio the Longstrider]

I'm Hiding In Your Closet wrote:

Excellent! Since I am the official Guardian of All Things Secret and Hidden, that means I now own the toaster! I will use it to dictate the suit of each color:

Infrared: Swords
Red: Cups
Orange: Pentacles
Yellow: Pentacles
Green: Wands
Blue: Pentacles
Indigo: Swords
Violet: Wands
Ultraviolet: Paper!

I switch mode to Two-Scissor Style, which beats all those except Swords which is a draw.

[Charles Scholz]

Those who draw a sword advance five paces to the left of yesterday.

[Irontruth]

I'm Hiding In Your Closet wrote:

Excellent! Since I am the official Guardian of All Things Secret and Hidden, that means I now own the toaster! I will use it to dictate the suit of each color:

Infrared: Swords
Red: Cups
Orange: Pentacles
Yellow: Pentacles
Green: Wands
Blue: Pentacles
Indigo: Swords
Violet: Wands
Ultraviolet: Paper!

As long as its still hidden.

[Ensirio the Longstrider]

I'm all out of bangles. Taking a draw from the coffee cup.

[Charles Scholz]

You draw a pinto bean. Go ahead 6 1/4 paces.

[Ensirio the Longstrider]

Woohoo! Landed on a chute space! WHEEEEEEEEEE!

[Tiny Coffee Golem]

presses the "I win" button.

[Ensirio the Longstrider]

*watches TCG fall down a trapdoor into the sauerkraut septic*

You'd think people would know that one never works by now.

[Charles Scholz]

Pick up the Lacross stick, hurl it out of bounds, run the ball in for 13 points.

[Celestial Healer]

5 yard penalty. You can only run the ball if you have the victory dandelion tied to your ankle.

[Fabius Maximus]

Any player not of the catfolk persuasion must chew bubblegum while playing. Goals scored by those players only count if they blow a bubble while scoring.

To determine which kind of catfolk is the correct catfolk for the current round, Pathfinder books must be randomnly opened until the first catfolk artwork is seen. Until then, catfolk-status cannot be determined, and all players are considered non-catfolk.

(Does anyone else think that this game should be renamed 'Proteanball'?)

[Haladir]

I toss the shuttlecock into the air and swing with the whiffle bat, connecting! It flies under the net, but I miss the wicket. I get 11 points for landing withing 17 inches. Touché!

[gran rey de los mono]

I use a large towel to taunt the goalkeeper, thus enraging him. Then I use a sand wedge to drive a jai alai ball into the goal, earning me a sandwich. But since I am at work, the goalkeeper morphs into a sand witch and turns the playing field under everyone else's feet into quicksand. I hand the sand wedge and the sandwich to the sand witch, and in return am granted the ability to defenestrate weevils at will. I use this power to launch a particularly nasty boll weevil through the bay window and into the ninth hole.

I now have a score of pinochole.

[Spanky the Leprechaun]

Weebles wobble, but they don't fall down.

Yahtzee!!!

[gran rey de los mono]

I jump to the left and then step to the right, do 1/8 of the macarena, and the middle 1/17 of the locomotion. This earns me a score of cube. Adding cube to pinochle gives me a home run, 2 field goals, and a leaner. I now pass the boot seven players clockwise and lie down to take a nap.

[Spanky the Leprechaun]

And you dream, that,

I WON B@!++ES!!!

[gran rey de los mono]

Sorry Spanky, you only win B!*$~ES in months that end in -day.

In the meantime, I awaken from my nap, hand a ferret a peacock feather and have him run a maze. If he finishes in under 13 half minutes I lose 2 light bulbs from my score. If he takes longer then I add 4 legos and roll a d12 to determine my next action.

[Spanky the Leprechaun]

tl/dnr

HUZZAH! VICTORY!

[Marthian]

I sit in the audience and gain 2 unawareness points.

[Haladir]

Foul! Unauthorized taunting! Two stroke penalty, and opposing side gets three free kicks from the pitcher's mound.

[Irontruth]

One does not simply win Calvinball.

[gran rey de los mono]

Irontruth wrote:

One does not simply win Calvinball.

I do! I have an army of bears with lasers strapped to their heads! And another army of ninjas! And a third army of wizards! And a fourth army of ninja wizards! I RULE CALVINBALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[I'm Hiding In Your Closet]

Oh dear, and here's me with only three little troops at my command...

...their names are Q, Beetlejuice, and Doctor.

[Marthian]

really? I got a whole lot of pineapple-wielding sponges-wielded by merciless Ninja Wizard Half-Dragon Sorcerer Pirates... But then again, I had to take a penalty of Orange Juice to have it on the field.

[Irontruth]

gran rey de los mono wrote:

Irontruth wrote:

One does not simply win Calvinball.

I do! I have an army of bears with lasers strapped to their heads! And another army of ninjas! And a third army of wizards! And a fourth army of ninja wizards! I RULE CALVINBALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Move forward 3 spaces, draw one card per member of your largest army and lose ∞ points.

[gran rey de los mono]

HUZZAH!!! I am now at minus infinity points!

This game is scored like Gloom, right? The player with the most negative score wins?

[DJEternalDarkness]

All scores are valued in relation to the metaphorical middle. And points are now normalized at -A

[Haladir]

Slapshot! The quaffle rebounds off the backboard into the wicket! HOME RUN!

[Ensirio the Longstrider]

Fabius Maximus wrote:

(Does anyone else think that this game should be renamed 'Proteanball'?)

It's the unofficial official sport of CHAOS and endorsed by the Church of Eris (Unorthodox).

Invoking the name of the goddess allows me to once per day take two shuffles to kumquat.

[drunken_nomad]

Red Rover, Red Rover! send Damien right over...

[Charles Scholz]

Damien and his 666 helpers turn you around until you are not sure which way is which. You score a goal in one of your opponents' hole. Lose 5 of your own.

[Spiral_Ninja]

All players carrying umbrellas are immune to Damien and his helpers.

[Celestial Healer]

That's not an umbrella, it's a parasol. You have to spend 10 minutes in the penalty shoebox.

[Bertious]

Nooooo!!!!!!! With someone in the shoebox it becomes bongo bongo crazy dance time and we all need to juggle mangoes.

[Marthian]

good thing for the purpose of bongo bongo crazy dance time, pineapple-wielding sponges count as mangoes.

[gran rey de los mono]

I don't dance. I use my unique substitution ability to eat tacos instead. This takes my normalized score of minus infinity and turns it into a 7.

[drunken_nomad]

...seven ...eight

better stay up late.

[Charles Scholz]

Everyone with an 'A' in their name advance 20 paces north.

[Marthian]

AWE YEAH! 20 spaces north... Oh hey, I got a draw circles card. I draw a crude circle, and is penalized for -5 to my score, leading to a +5 to my score. Since I just drew a circle (even crude), I also get to play my Flocking Grasp. Everyone must run back 5 squares from the resulting giant birds of grasping talons.

[Ensirio the Longstrider]

I sacrifice my next move to weaponize vocabulary for umpteen cycles. En-guarde, mon pigeons!

[drunken_nomad]

I have my smock!

[Haladir]

Foul! Unauthorized smock use. Opposing side gets three free swings at the piñata.

[Charles Scholz]

swing
WHACK

swing
WHACK

swing
WHACK

The cricket ball has just entered the field of play. All players can only use cricket bats for the next ten plays.