First, what is it about? It's Urban Fantasy with the existence of magic both well known and integrated into the way the world works. Furthermore, it takes place in a world that is Dieselpunk (Diesel Deco style with Diesel Noir elements). The main character is a detective assigned to a unit that handles crimes involving magic, and is both a witch and werewolf. (God, I love TV Tropes. It makes explaining the world of this novel so easy.)
Zoe was a young woman of slightly shorter than average height. While a bit on the slender side, she wasn't pencil thin. Her looks were most often referred to as cute, with largish eyes and ears and light skin. She had wavy black hair that fell down to a few inches below her shoulders and green eyes.
The streetcar had just dropped Zoe off at the stop closest to her apartment, which was about half a block away. She'd spent the day testifying at the trial of a necromancer she'd captured several months ago, and she was exhausted from being grilled by the defense attorney. She was confident the trial would end in conviction, as it was a solid case, but her energy was sapped none the less. She looked forward to getting something warm to eat from the corner bodega and then going to bed early.
The next morning Zoe was up around dawn, and after a quick breakfast and some coffee she got dressed. She personally liked to wear casual clothing unless she was in court. Jeans were much more comfortable than suits, and Devaia's dress code for detectives was rather liberal so long as they looked presentable. At the moment she wore dark blue jeans, tan hiking boots, and a black hooded sweatshirt.
So, what should I do now? Do I take her to the precinct and give her a new case immediately, or do I introduce more detectives? Should I start bringing in her backstory now, or do it later?
Writer's block SUCKS.
Chop down the exposition lump.
Put the hero(ine) in the crux of their problem within the first 400 words of the story.
Zoe hated court appearances. They were part of the job, but the formal robes required, plus the obligatory magiks to induce truth telling gave her a headache. Well, really, it wasn't the magicks, it was her own sharp tongue, and lack of patience with idiots versus the department's need to present evidence with tact and aplomb that gave her a headache.
All in all, the case itself was sordid. The perp was a vice dealer and minor necromancer. It's so much easier to run a string of hookers when half of them are dead already, and spirits alone know Devaia was cold enough to keep them 'fresh' enough to attract customers. And had more than its fair share of Johns who'd bang anything in a bustle and bustier.
The case was still going on - but she had a good feeling about the magisterium's prosecution being able to get a conviction. Once it was done, it was up to her to dispose of the merchandise and, sadly, talk to the parents of the victims. She wasn't looking forward to either of those tasks, but was glad to be home with a box of steamed eels over maize with cherrycorn peppers and put her feet up...get out of the robes for the magisterium's court, put on some sweats and watch the 'cast.
Then her foot kicked a severed head. The head wasn't especially pleased by this treatment, and started to jabber. Well, mumble. It's very hard for a preserved head to speak with just a tongue, half a set of vocal cords, and no lungs to move air past them. It was more like controlled choking and tongue clicking.
But still understandable.
"Detective Sanbrooke." *pause, sputter* "You have the wrong man."
It started lip-crawling across her carpet, towards her.
It was going to be one of those nights.
Thanks for the example of a good start. I won't use that particular start (A lot of things don't fit, and it's not my work.), but it gives me a very good idea of what kind of thing to write.
There is one thing you came up with that I'll use. The formal robes for court use. I was planning on suits, but the robes sound cooler.
Notice that there's a lot of implied world building in what the POV character is thinking and eating and doing. This is an example of "show, don't tell."
Steamed eels over maize with cherrycorn peppers is an example of hybrid Chinese-esque and Mesoamerican cooking. It's also a nice variation - thrown en voce on the cliche of the detective coming home with Chinese takeout.
It immediately sets this world as different from our own.
We immediately learn two important thinks about the POV character in the first paragraph. She's a cop - though we don't know what kind yet - and we know she doesn't suffer fools gladly, and it's implied that this gets her into trouble.
The description of the crime and criminal not only establishes that this is a world where magic works, but one where magic is common enough that a minor necromancer running an undead sex slave ring is something that a vice squad cop is tasked to round up, rather than being an End of The World Apocalypse.
We also got information about the place - the fact that it's called Devaia, and that it's cold enough to keep zombies from putrefying too quickly - that matches your original description.
And of course, we get her into the problem, immediately. Plus there's a hint or two of some truly icky moral quandaries underlying the pretext.
I have some other fairly generic bits of advice for fledgeling writers:
1) Write your story from beginning to end - don't rewrite until you've gotten to the end. It's OK to leave a few blank pages with [And Then Harry Potter, Luke Skywalker and Smeagol Do Something Awesome] to avoid being bogged down on the way to the end, but do know how the end of the story looks.
2) Once you've written the first draft, print it out and put it in your desk drawer for a minimum of three days before looking at it again.
3) Before looking at it after that gap, throw out the first six pages, and delete them from your electronic copy. Start reading the story from page 7. Most writers do exactly what you did in your first snippet - they lay in a lot of world building which is for their benefit, but is deathly dull for the reader.
4) Read your draft through, from page 7, aloud, from a clipboard, with a red pen in your hand. Mark things out with ruthless abandon.
5) Open up your electronic copy again. Make the changes you marked in the hard copy. Next, do a find and replace for all your adverbs - these are words that end with 'ly'. While you're at it, do the same for the word 'very'. Replace both of them with 'poodle'.
6) Print a second hard copy and read through it aloud. Any time you trip over a poodle, kill it. Most writers overuse adverbs by an order of magnitude (!). It's amazing how much tighter your writing will get by doing this.
More about Detective Zoe Sanbrooke:
She's from Vendalia, which is a fantasy counterpart culture of Canada.
She's 25 years old.
She's human (This is important because Vendalia has elves, orcs, and dwarves).
Before becoming a police officer she served in the Royal Dragoons (The Vendalian military has a branch called the Aerocorps, which is responsible for all aircraft, including a fleet of flying warships. The Royal Dragoons are the Aerocorps' answer to a Marine Corps.). Her service was as an infantrywoman, and she did see combat.
She hasn't been a detective long. She enlisted in the military at 18, was honorably discharged at the end of her service commitment at 22, and immediately joined the police department. She spent a half year in training and two as a patrol officer before becoming a detective 6 months ago. The necromancer mentioned was her first case as a detective.
She's not particularly ill tempered, rebellious, or sharp tongued.
Again, thanks for the advice. An undead sex ring is unlikely (mostly because Vendalia, the country Devaia is in, does not ban prostitution, but does ban most forms of necromancery, as well as pimping, making undead sex slaves a risky proposition without much benefit), but your ideas sound good.
Again, thanks for the advice. An undead sex ring is unlikely (mostly because Vendalia, the country Devaia is in, does not ban prostitution, but does ban most forms of necromancery, as well as pimping, making undead sex slaves a risky proposition without much benefit), but your ideas sound good.
Right - undead sex slave rings are kind of the National Enquirer level of grabbing a reader's attention.
The point isn't to sell you on any of the details I threw in - it's to show how to build a world by implication rather than exposition. If magic exists, it will be used to commit crimes. It will enable entirely 'new' types of crimes as well.
(It's also something of a trope inversion of the Oh So Sexxay Vampire. Now With Sparklies, but I'm just a cynic at heart...)
Again, thanks for the advice. An undead sex ring is unlikely (mostly because Vendalia, the country Devaia is in, does not ban prostitution, but does ban most forms of necromancery, as well as pimping, making undead sex slaves a risky proposition without much benefit), but your ideas sound good.Right - undead sex slave rings are kind of the National Enquirer level of grabbing a reader's attention.
The point isn't to sell you on any of the details I threw in - it's to show how to build a world by implication rather than exposition. If magic exists, it will be used to commit crimes. It will enable entirely 'new' types of crimes as well.
That's Zoe's job: handle crimes involving magic. Devaia has a unit of detectives specifically for this, and Zoe, being a witch, was offered the job while she was a patrol officer, as witches are needed more as detectives than beat cops (Which is why she made DT so soon. It usually takes a lot longer than two years, but a witch of her skill is not normal circumstances.) (Incidentally, when she was in the military she was valued for her magic there, as well. She was infantry, so her job was to provide magical support to the rest of her unit during combat.).
More about Detective Zoe Sanbrooke:
She's 25 years old.
Most cops have the equivalent of a 2 year Associates Degree program in Criminology and Police Procedures, through the Service Academy. (They get it in about 8-10 months because they're paid to be in school and taking classes at about twice the speed that a college student typically does).
Detective usually has another stint through Cop University that takes anywhere from a year and a half to three years of training, depending on what street cop duties they're maintaining.
25 is pretty young; 28 or 29 would be likelier given the background you've posited below.
Before becoming a police officer she served in the Royal Dragoons (The Vendalian military has a branch called the Aerocorps, which is responsible for all aircraft, including a fleet of flying warships. The Royal Dragoons are the Aerocorps' answer to a Marine Corps.). Her service was as an infantrywoman, and she did see combat.
I do not know if you've seen combat in real life. I have not. I have lots of friends who've been at the pointy end of the stick.
Their comments about female infantry are UNIVERSALLY negative.
A Marine or Soldier in the modern military runs for about 12 hours a day with 100 to 120 lbs of kit on their body. Upper body strength matters. Yeah, it's politically incorrect to bring it up, but it's been something I've been trying to find a plausible way around for SF writing for going on 10 years now. Action-girl trope where Hawt Chick Is Faster And Agile And Just As Deadly falls flat on its pneumatic assets when confronted with "And slogs through foot patrols carrying 100 lbs of kit for 9 days out of 12..."
The top 2% of female recruits can meet the upper body and PT test requirements of the bottom 5% of male recruits...they and the men in that range suffer a lot of RSI injuries to the hips, knees and back.
(How can you tell an infantryman from a tanker? The infantryman will ALWAYS take the opportunity to lean against a wall and rest his knees. A tanker always acts like scratching his back or his ass is right up there with sex...)
Note that being a support puke doesn't mean you don't see combat...or that you aren't trained to fight! It does mean that combat is supposed to be something you don't see and when you do, it means the fecal material has hit the rotary air circulation device and you're likely downwind...see the various accounts of female convoy personnel in Iraq and Afghanistan.
Before becoming a police officer she served in the Royal Dragoons (The Vendalian military has a branch called the Aerocorps, which is responsible for all aircraft, including a fleet of flying warships. The Royal Dragoons are the Aerocorps' answer to a Marine Corps.). Her service was as an infantrywoman, and she did see combat.I do not know if you've seen combat in real life. I have not. I have lots of friends who've been at the pointy end of the stick.
Their comments about female infantry are UNIVERSALLY negative.
A Marine or Soldier in the modern military runs for about 12 hours a day with 100 to 120 lbs of kit on their body. Upper body strength matters. Yeah, it's politically incorrect to bring it up, but it's been something I've been trying to find a plausible way around for SF writing for going on 10 years now. Action-girl trope where Hawt Chick Is Faster And Agile And Just As Deadly falls flat on its pneumatic assets when confronted with "And slogs through foot patrols carrying 100 lbs of kit for 9 days out of 12..."
The top 2% of female recruits can meet the upper body and PT test requirements of the bottom 5% of male recruits...they and the men in that range suffer a lot of RSI injuries to the hips, knees and back.
(How can you tell an infantryman from a tanker? The infantryman will ALWAYS take the...
The thing is, lots of countries do let women be infantry. Israel is one, but there is also Canada, Germany, France, most of Scandinavia, New Zealand, and soon Australia. If women couldn't hack it, it would have been noticed and these countries would have reversed the policy (Canada in particular, as they have REALLY strict requirements for physical performance do to the limited size of their military, and have lost female infantry in combat). Also, when I was in the military (no, I never saw combat), I heard plenty of people say that it likely wouldn't make a difference. Your friends might have universally negative opinions, but I've heard plenty of positive ones.
Furthermore, what about the hundreds of women who impersonated men successfully to join the Union and Confederate forces in the Civil War? If they could successfully hide their gender in that war, it says something. Back then, they carried as much weight as soldiers do today, and marched everywhere. Not to mention the rampant disease.
Finally, even some people in the Pentagon want to remove the ban. It's just not seen as accomplishing anything anymore because of the aforementioned support personnel getting caught in battle.
Anyway, this isn't the place for a women in combat debate. This thread that I posted a while back is much better.
More about Detective Zoe Sanbrooke:
She's 25 years old.
Most cops have the equivalent of a 2 year Associates Degree program in Criminology and Police Procedures, through the Service Academy. (They get it in about 8-10 months because they're paid to be in school and taking classes at about twice the speed that a college student typically does).
Detective usually has another stint through Cop University that takes anywhere from a year and a half to three years of training, depending on what street cop duties they're maintaining.
25 is pretty young; 28 or 29 would be likelier given the background you've posited below.
Things were different 80 years ago, which is about how far in the past this world is. In this world, detectives generally learn on the job. I'm not saying that's better than having them get a degree (it isn't), it's just how it works here.
It actually is pretty unusual in world for her to be a DT so soon. Most people would have 5 or more years of experience (generally leaning towards more) as a police officer first. She got the job because she's a skilled witch, and the police departments needs those as detectives, not beat cops. It's also viewed that her military experience proves her competent (being a soldier has nothing to do with being a cop, but perceptions are what they are).
Fair enough - it's your story. You are free to ignore ANY details that make your story more difficult to tell.
It might be worth mentioning that Zoe is freakishly strong for her size, or augments her upper body strength with a talisman of some sort as part of her military training - or that her morning meditation routine is to watch the news while doing 100 pull-ups...
One of the tropes of writing this sort of fiction is that you need to establish an exceptional characteristic (and usually some sort of Noble Flaw) fairly early on. Being able to cut it on infantry duty might qualify.
It may also serve as a nice trope - "Hah! You're a squishy magic user! I have you out of spells and you're backed into a corner! I outweigh you by a hundred pounds..."
(cue twirling moustache of a Bad Guy About To Get It Approaches Zoe),
(cue "I learned Krav Maga in the Aerocorps. I'm going be hurt, you're going to be dead. Also, military strength boosting talisman means I'm stronger than I look...")
Fair enough - it's your story. You are free to ignore ANY details that make your story more difficult to tell.
It might be worth mentioning that Zoe is freakishly strong for her size, or augments her upper body strength with a talisman of some sort as part of her military training - or that her morning meditation routine is to watch the news while doing 100 pull-ups...
One of the tropes of writing this sort of fiction is that you need to establish an exceptional characteristic (and usually some sort of Noble Flaw) fairly early on. Being able to cut it on infantry duty might qualify.
It may also serve as a nice trope - "Hah! You're a squishy magic user! I have you out of spells and you're backed into a corner! I outweigh you by a hundred pounds..."
(cue twirling moustache of a Bad Guy About To Get It Approaches Zoe),
(cue "I learned Krav Maga in the Aerocorps. I'm going be hurt, you're going to be dead. Also, military strength boosting talisman means I'm stronger than I look...")
My idea was that a witch, with the proper buff spells, can be stronger than he or she looks (I use witch as a gender neutral term in this world). I don't like the squishy magic user trope.
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Chop down the exposition lump.
Put the hero(ine) in the crux of their problem within the first 400 words of the story.
** spoiler omitted **
Prelude
“Time on Target?” At the Navigator’s prompting, Pilot Koenig checked his ranging clock. “Thirty Seconds and closing.”
“Master arm!” Koenig diverted electricity through the Master Arm Bus with the flip of a switch. “Armed!”
“Deploy! Deploy! Deploy!” Koenig triggered the firing mechanism a few meters above the surface of the English Channel.
“Deployed!” The Fockker Arkw made the five gee turn and accelerated through the speed of sound.
Ensign Frank Whistler could only watch as the small rocket launched from the strange circular boat that skimmed across the waves toward the invasion fleet and was struck with a sense of awe as a single rocket launched in a low arc from a battery somewhere behind its pilot cockpit and impacted into the side of his Cruiser.
A flash of intense light seemed to come from somewhere behind Koenig off the coast of Normandy. He could only guess that the fleet of landing craft had been devoured by nuclear fire, their invasion dead and dying in the shadow of a mushroom cloud just short of the Beachhead.
The Shockwave caught him like a tidal wave of thunder and there was darkness.
Sorry if its a distraction from the existing Author's work but Is this along the lines you are talking about?
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First, what is it about? It's Urban Fantasy with the existence of magic both well known and integrated into the way the world works. Furthermore, it takes place in a world that is Dieselpunk (Diesel Deco style with Diesel Noir elements). The main character is a detective assigned to a unit that handles crimes involving magic, and is both a witch and werewolf. (God, I love TV Tropes. It makes explaining the world of this novel so easy.)
** spoiler omitted **...
My suggestion is to keep writing and don't stop and think about it. The first draft comes fromt he heart, everything else is from the head. If you're blocked either work on something else or even a different part of the book. Neil Gaiman has said its not uncommon for him to write his books completely out of order and then reorder them to complete the finished product.
How's your outline look? Do you know where you want the story to go? Do you have a great scene in mind, but haven't written it yet because it isn't time? Go write that. After all is said, come back and look at this part again.
Take this for what it is: Constructive criticism. Or ignore it altogether. :)
I'm sure you have some awesome characters in your head, but they're not coming across in your prose. Show, don't tell. Your entire passive is telling me stuff -- and frankly, it's telling me stuff I don't care about. I only care what a character is wearing if it reveals something about them, or if it advances the plot.
If you find you absolutely must have exposition, you can't afford to front-load it. Get right to the story, so when they do reach the expository bits, your reader will be willing, even eager, to learn more about the world in which your characters dwell.
Get a good book on writing fiction. I'm a fan of Beginnings, middles, and endings by Nancy Kress.
Good luck. :)
Chop down the exposition lump.
Put the hero(ine) in the crux of their problem within the first 400 words of the story.
** spoiler omitted **
** spoiler omitted **
Sorry if its a distraction from the existing Author's work but Is this along the lines you are talking about?
Close - where is the decision that the protagonist has to make, and why is it an important, life changing decision?
That's a very nice, action packed piece of exposition, but we don't know why the character is where they are, or have any reasonable expectation of being able to guess what they'd do next.
In this snippet, the character is a camera for a lot of hardware being blown up. We have a name and yelled commands, but we don't know why he cares about them.
It does do a better job of world building by implication than Katrina's first paragraphs do, but I'm not sure she knew any formalisms of the technique before the conversation started.
Chop down the exposition lump.
Put the hero(ine) in the crux of their problem within the first 400 words of the story.
** spoiler omitted **
** spoiler omitted **
Sorry if its a distraction from the existing Author's work but Is this along the lines you are talking about?
Close - where is the decision that the protagonist has to make, and why is it an important, life changing decision?
That's a very nice, action packed piece of exposition, but we don't know why the character is where they are, or have any reasonable expectation of being able to guess what they'd do next.
In this snippet, the character is a camera for a lot of hardware being blown up. We have a name and yelled commands, but we don't know why he cares about them.
It does do a better job of world building by implication than Katrina's first paragraphs do, but I'm not sure she knew any formalisms of the technique before the conversation started.
Yea. I don't really have any experience.
I'll do a rewrite from your guy's advice and have it up when it's ready.
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Chop down the exposition lump.
Put the hero(ine) in the crux of their problem within the first 400 words of the story.
** spoiler omitted **
** spoiler omitted **
Sorry if its a distraction from the existing Author's work but Is this along the lines you are talking about?
Close - where is the decision that the protagonist has to make, and why is it an important, life changing decision?
That's a very nice, action packed piece of exposition, but we don't know why the character is where they are, or have any reasonable expectation of being able to guess what they'd do next.
In this snippet, the character is a camera for a lot of hardware being blown up. We have a name and yelled commands, but we don't know why he cares about them.
It does do a better job of world building by implication than Katrina's first paragraphs do, but I'm not sure she knew any formalisms of the technique before the conversation started.
Does the introduction of the protagonist require a decision? And if so what degree of a decision? Is the decision used to define the moral and ethical limits of the 'hero'? Is this a compulsory part of the 'hero's Journey' in the larger structure? Does it serve as the 'herald' who introduces the hero? Is it possible to do away with the hero's journey altogether as a literary structure? Is this comparable to the older concept of the Avatar (Au-At-Ar: Away - to go - to fit together) where the protagonist travels to be made whole or is this the counter - where the Hero's Journey is the beginning of the Hero's Rise as the destroyer of a foe and the Avatar's Journey is the redemption and healing path?
Chapter One
[i]Albert Nacht signed his name to the blueprint. The remote control boat was his best work. Sure the boat was one to ten in scale, but a remote control motorboat. That was something he could become famous for. Something he could build in his private hours in his dormitory room.
He considered the circular shape. It was the right shape; A discus that would skip across the surface of the water.
Professor Eigen looked over his shoulder at the unusual design.
“So this is your remote control boat?” Albert nodded at Professor’s the query.
“Very interesting. Very interesting indeed.” Professor Eigen patted him on the shoulder and moved amongst his other students. They were working on buildings, Automobiles, airplanes and Boats. The designs seemed all to be similar to those that were out there in the real world. Many of them would find quite adequate positions with Benz and Fokker as engineers and draughtsmen. Even Hess’s Steam Tractor that burned Wood in a boiler for farmers without petroleum – As if there would ever be a time when we would run out of petroleum. Eiden shook his head. - would get him an excellent position with one of the Farm equipment manufacturers. Nacht on the other hand had a unique gift for blending several disciplines.
The Class end was marked by a distant clock bell. It was three.
“All right, I assume you are finishing up.” There seemed to be a groan from some of the slower students.
“I am very happy to say that your work has been exemplary and you will all get letters of recommendation.” He smiled.
“Final designs on my desk by five p.m. this evening.” Albert Nacht released the screw clamps holding his drawing to the drafting board. He retrieved the Storage sleeve from the foot of his drafting board.
The paper rolled gently into a fit and slid down into the cylinder.
Nacht followed some of the students toward the Professor’s office with their final submissions.
Eigen was handing out small envelopes containing letters of recommendation as each came in and submitted their final draughts.
“Albert Nacht. I’m sorry I couldn’t recommend you to Fokker along with Kurt Schmitt; mainly because I have something better in mind for you.” Nacht didn’t display any emotion over the loss of the Fokker recommendation but this went unnoticed by Professor Eigen who took a moment to wipe his glasses with a fine cloth.
“Your abilities in Physics and mathematics have been exemplary. Professor Wagner has informed me that you have the makings of a first class Physicist; As far as I am concerned you have all the makings of an engineer; Germany needs both.” Eigen waved the young man into a seat.
“The Air Ministry has a small detachment of scientists and engineers who do work on various top secret projects. I am recommending you.” Professor Eigen pulled an envelope from his desk drawer and placed it on the desk in front of Albert who was now burning a hole in the table with his mind.
“As you will be employed in this department, you will not be able to return to the University; rather you will complete your degree in Engineering Sciences within the Air Ministry under several of the most gifted Engineers and Scientists Germany has to offer.” Professor Eigen handed him a collection of transfer documents that he would have to sign and submit through the Air Ministry.
Albert Nacht struggled to his feet and offered the Professor a hand to shake.
“Thank you professor for this Opportunity;” His voice seemed to carry a feeling of sadness. He felt like he had been expelled from the University.
Some more students shuffled into the Professor’s office with their submissions pushing past the despondent Albert Nacht.
The War ministry didn’t design aircraft; that was Fokker. The War Ministry designed bombs.[i]
The reason for that decision is because it defines the stakes for the protagonist, and usually shows that the protagonist cannot continue the life they had prior to the beginning of the story.
Plus, it makes the reader more likely to be engaged...