Deep 6 FaWtL

[gran rey de los nekkid]

Why did the hamburger go to the gym? To get better buns.

Edit: Nekkid buns at that!

[gran rey de los mono]

What's a dentist's favorite dinosaur? A flossoraptor.

[gran rey de los mono]

Teacher: "What is the value of pi?"
Student: "Depending on the pie, between $7 and $10."

[Vidmaster7]

more laffy taffy jokes tonight.

[gran rey de los mono]

I have a stepladder. I've never known my birth ladder.

[gran rey de los mono]

Who cares if you pee in the shower? Apparently the bride and her guests.

[gran rey de los mono]

5 out of 6 people agree that Russian Roulette is safe.

[gran rey de los mono]

I was chatting up a Chinese girl at the bar the other night, and thought it was going well so I asked for her number. She said "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free Sex Tonight!" I said "Well, ok then!" Her friend leaned over and said "No. She meant '666-3629'."

[Kajehase]

Getting older sucks. I haven't had a drop of alcohol for over 36 hours (and that was two glasses of wine), but am basically having a hangover because I'm tired from staying up an extra hour last night so I could watch Unstoppable.

Love that film. Probably Tony Scott's best. It's deceptively subversive of many Hollywood tropes. Like, even the nominal baddies have somewhat good reasons for not wanting the heroes to stop the train (you'll almost certainly die); there's no conflict what-so-ever about Rosario Dawson's character being in charge at the almost exclusively male workplace; using guns to solve the problem is quickly revealed to be bloody stupid; when an expert tells Denzel Washington's character about a theory for the best way to slow down the train there's no argument, just a, "I hope you know what you're talking about" (he does) - in fact, there's basically no scenes of characters having arguments for stupid reasons, everyone assumes the others know how to do their job and act accordingly.

[gran rey de los mono]

Teacher: "Billy, what do chickens give us?"
Billy: "Eggs."
Teacher: "Very good! Susie, what do pigs give us?"
Susie: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "That's right! Johnny, what do cows give us?"
Johnny: "Homework."

[Vidmaster7]

gran rey de los mono wrote:

Teacher: "Billy, what do chickens give us?"

Billy: "Eggs."
Teacher: "Very good! Susie, what do pigs give us?"
Susie: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "That's right! Johnny, what do cows give us?"
Johnny: "Homework."

R.I.P. Johnny

[gran rey de los mono]

My friend thinks he's so smart. He said onions are the only food that makes you cry. So I threw a coconut in his face.

[Vidmaster7]

The trick to cutting an onion without crying is avoiding getting emotionally attached to the onion.

[gran rey de los mono]

Teacher: "Johnny, if I gave you 2 cats, then 2 more cats, and then 2 more cats, how many cats would you have?"
Johnny: "7."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 plus 2 plus 2 cats, how many cats would you have?"
Johnny: "7."
Teacher: "Let's try something else. If I gave you 2 apples, 2 more apples, and then 2 more apples, how many apples would you have?"
Johnny: "6."
Teacher: "Correct! So if I gave you 2 cats, then 2 more cats, and then 2 more cats, how many cats would you have?"
Johnny: "7."
Teacher: "Why do you keep saying 7?"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a f$*+ing cat!"

[Vidmaster7]

gran rey de los mono wrote:

Teacher: "Johnny, if I gave you 2 cats, then 2 more cats, and then 2 more cats, how many cats would you have?"

Johnny: "7."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 plus 2 plus 2 cats, how many cats would you have?"
Johnny: "7."
Teacher: "Let's try something else. If I gave you 2 apples, 2 more apples, and then 2 more apples, how many apples would you have?"
Johnny: "6."
Teacher: "Correct! So if I gave you 2 cats, then 2 more cats, and then 2 more cats, how many cats would you have?"
Johnny: "7."
Teacher: "Why do you keep saying 7?"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a f@#@ing cat!"

He's not wrong.

Still getting detention

but not wrong.

[gran rey de los mono]

A young man had just graduated from MIT and was at a job interview. At the end of the interview, the Human Resources Officer asked, "So, what kind of salary were you thinking of?" The young man said "Oh, about $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The Human Resources Officer says "What would you say to a package of 5 weeks paid vacation, 14 paid holidays, full employer-paid medical and dental insurance, a company-matching retirement fund up to 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every two years? Say a red Corvette?" The young man exclaimed "Wow! Are you kidding?" The Human Resources Officer replied "Yeah, but you started it."

[gran rey de los mono]

How is an air conditioner like a computer? They both lose efficiency as soon as you open windows.

[gran rey de los mono]

How easy is it to count in binary? It's as easy as 01, 10, 11.

[gran rey de los mono]

A man was being arrested by a busty female police officer. She said "Anything you say can and will be held against you." The man smiled broadly and said "Boobs!"

[gran rey de los mono]

Two tall trees, a beech and a birch, are growing near each other in the woods. One day, they notice a sapling sprouting up between them. They can't figure out whose offspring it is. Then a woodpecker lands on the young tree. The beech calls out "You there, woodpecker! You're an expert on trees. Is that a son of a beech, or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker drills a small hole into the sapling, then replies "This tree is neither beech nor birch, but is instead the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into!"

[gran rey de los mono]

Teacher: "Johnny, use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence."
Johnny: *pause* "You sweater has 10 buttons on it, but your boobs are so big you can only fasten eight."

[Vidmaster7]

gran rey de los mono wrote:

Teacher: "Johnny, use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence."

Johnny: *pause* "You sweater has 10 buttons on it, but your boobs are so big you can only fasten eight."

I've decided I like johnny hes a good kid.

[gran rey de los mono]

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled, "I'm so wet, give it to me now!!" She could scream all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella.

[Vidmaster7]

gran rey de los mono wrote:

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled, "I'm so wet, give it to me now!!" She could scream all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella.

- grans wife

Edit: She must be a saint for not ending him yet.

[gran rey de los mono]

A man was driving down the highway one rainy morning, and saw a truck broken down on the side of the road. Next to the truck stood the driver and 10 penguins. The man pulled over and asked the driver if he needed help. The driver said "Yes, please. I've called AAA, but they said they can't get here for several hours. Could you take these penguins to the zoo for me?" The man agreed, loaded the penguins into the car, and drove off. Two hours later, the truck is finally fixed and the driver goes to the zoo to check on the delivery of the penguins. He is told that they never arrived! Furious, he starts driving around town, looking for the man who took them. Eventually he sees the man leaving a movie theater with all 10 penguins in tow! He stops the truck, jumps out and confronts the man. "I asked you to take these penguins to the zoo! What the hell are you doing here?!" The man replies "Well, the weather was bad, so I thought I'd take them to the movies, instead."

[gran rey de los mono]

Vidmaster7 wrote:

gran rey de los mono wrote:

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled, "I'm so wet, give it to me now!!" She could scream all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella.

- grans wife

Well, someone's wife.

[Vidmaster7]

gran rey de los mono wrote:

A man was driving down the highway one rainy morning, and saw a truck broken down on the side of the road. Next to the truck stood the driver and 10 penguins. The man pulled over and asked the driver if he needed help. The driver said "Yes, please. I've called AAA, but they said they can't get here for several hours. Could you take these penguins to the zoo for me?" The man agreed, loaded the penguins into the car, and drove off. Two hours later, the truck is finally fixed and the driver goes to the zoo to check on the delivery of the penguins. He is told that they never arrived! Furious, he starts driving around town, looking for the man who took them. Eventually he sees the man leaving a movie theater with all 10 penguins in tow! He stops the truck, jumps out and confronts the man. "I asked you to take these penguins to the zoo! What the hell are you doing here?!" The man replies "Well, the weather was bad, so I thought I'd take them to the movies, instead."

Well since their in their little tux's He should of taken them somewhere real nice.

[gran rey de los mono]

One night, a lady came home from her weekly prayer meeting to find a burglar in her house. She shouted out "Acts 2:38. Repent and be baptized, and your sins will be forgiven." The burglar stopped, laid on the floor, and waited as the lady called the police. While cuffing the burglar, the police officer asked him "So, why did you stop when she quoted the Bible at you?" The burglar said "Quoted the Bible? I thought she said she had an ax and two .38s!

[gran rey de los mono]

Teacher: "Johnny, name three kings who have brought joy and happiness to peoples' lives."
Johnny: *ponders for a minute* "Drin-king, smo-king, and fuc-king."

[gran rey de los mono]

What nails do carpenters hate to hit? Fingernails.

[gran rey de los mono]

If you're paying attention, you may notice that Johnny's a bit of smartass.

[Vidmaster7]

This is a long one bear with me.

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his pack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,

"Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?", he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiller Jesus."

[Vidmaster7]

gran rey de los mono wrote:

If you're paying attention, you may notice that Johnny's a bit of smartass.

Huh really? You don't say? I must of missed that... Gee Whiz....

[Vidmaster7]

Had a guy just come in I think he was looking for a room not sure he sounded just like the coach from water boy (not fonzy but the creole one) couldn't understand a word just had to guess what he was asking.

[Kajehase]

Just realised that if I were on facebook, my relationship status would have to be "in a polyamorous relationship with several hundred books, records, and magazines."

[Punniculus]

I think I need to add an amateur detective to my following.

[Limeylongears]

Time to put my nose to the Grindstone of Hilarity.

There was once a man with a pet duck, and they both loved going to the cinema. Sadly, there was a change of management at the cinema, and the new team in charge banned patrons from bringing their pets into the theatre with them. The man was very upset, but was determined that it wouldn't spoil his fun, so the next time they went, he stuffed the duck down his trousers and sauntered past the cashier into the lobby, where he bought some popcorn.

Once safely seated in the auditorium, with the film running, he unzipped his flies to let the duck breathe, and occasionally passed down the popcorn to enable it to share his snack.

A couple of rows behind was a courting couple. The female half noticed what was going on and whispered to her date, "Here! That man's got his willy out!"

"So have I", gurgled her companion.

"Yeah, but yours isn't eating your popcorn"

[Kileanna]

Punniculus wrote:

I think I need to add an amateur detective to my following.

I think I don't have any characters to fill that outfit...

[Ylenia, Fashion Designer]

Can I join the cult of Punniculus? You seem to always have the best outfits and I am sooo jealous of you.

Is there a place for a dervish bard who loves creative hats? Don't pay attention to my nickname, I am only a fashion designer on my free time... but I have a lot because I have been fired of my job as a security guard on a magic school.

Hey, John... Maybe you could get a job in your place. I'd make a good workmate, I am hardworking, I always wear the best headdresses and I don't get drunk at job too often (it was the fault of my coworkers/friends, I swear!).

[Tasha the half-kender]

As Punniculus high and only priestess I have to warn you: no bards allowed! You have to pretend to be of another class: a cleric, a paladin, something that sounds more divine and holy. Sorry, but these are the rules that I am making up right now, I haven't written them because no one has yet.

[Punniculus]

Hmm, another bard. I will, of course, welcome you to my fold, it's just getting a little more complicated to find positions for more bards. Are you ok with a missionary position? If so, I'm sure we can accomplish great things.

Oh, and I'll see what I can do about an outfit.

[Punniculus]

Tasha is mostly correct. A willingness to "multiclass" would be helpful in finding the right peg for your hole. So to speak.

[Ylenia, Fashion Designer]

A missionary? Oh, of course! I love helping people and I wouldn't mind to travel all world spreading Punniculus words and deeds!

*Is unaware of any other meaning for a missionary position*

Now... what does Punniculus preach aside from awesome outfits?

[Punniculus]

Ylenia likes hats.
This outfit has a hat.
As does this one.
And, while not exactly a hat, this one has headwear of a sort.
Another hat.

If you could choose what class you want to pretend to be multiclass into, I could perhaps find additional choices.

[Punniculus]

Ylenia, Fashion Designer wrote:

A missionary? Oh, of course! I love helping people and I wouldn't mind to travel all world spreading Punniculus words and deeds!

*Is unaware of any other meaning for a missionary position*

Now... what does Punniculus preach aside from awesome outfits?

Oh, you'll definitely be helping me by spreading.

My domains currently seems to revolve around puns, jokes, japes, practical jokes, humor in various forms, and dressing my followers in the most appropriate costumes I can find. I may also be poking my finger into the pie of innuendo, but we'll see how enjoyable that is.

[gran rey de los mono]

And now, unfortunately, I must away. Until later.

[The Game Hamster]

gran rey de los mono wrote:

What has 132 legs and 8 teeth? The front row of a country music concert.

Only in west virginia.

[Vidmaster7]

The Game Hamster wrote:

gran rey de los mono wrote:

What has 132 legs and 8 teeth? The front row of a country music concert.

Only in west virginia.

Yeah in Alabama its more like 3.

[Ylenia, Fashion Designer]

Punniculus wrote:

Ylenia likes hats.

This outfit has a hat.
As does this one.
And, while not exactly a hat, this one has headwear of a sort.
Another hat.

If you could choose what class you want to pretend to be multiclass into, I could perhaps find additional choices.

Thw second one is dull and boring and brown...

But the others look awesome. I love the idea of wings on the head! Could they be red?

It makes me seem like my head would turn into a vargouille and fly away! I love it!!!

[John Napier 698]

Gah! Working on a dull ache, 1 or 2 out of 10, behind the eye.