I do not see it as running away. Maybe it is, but I just do not see it that way. I am not perfect and I know I could improve. No matter what I do, this situation will still be unacceptable. Why should I stay? For my daughter? That is a noble thought, but wouldn't that just teach her to settle? Shouldn't I teach her that a strong person knows when it is time to walk away?
First, I want to say I'm sorry. I recognize now that my post sounded very much like I was trying to convince you to stay with your wife. That's not what I meant. What I was trying to do is really get you to examine what you're feeling.
Right now, I think you're not really facing what you feel. I think that's why you feel so ambivalent about the matter. Do you still love your wife, or are you clinging to an unrealistic ideal of how your relationship used to be? It sounds like you're not sure. I think that's why you're so conflicted that you just aren't sure what to do. I think if you can get it down on paper, and just let loose, it may help you understand better what you're feeling, and it will help you with your decision.
My wife had me read an article this evening. It's written by a woman who divorced her husband after twenty years. The article struck me, because her experience sounds very much like what you're going through. It also struck me because I can see some of the issues she describes potentially coming to fruition in my own marriage. I don't want to think that, not just yet. Still, it worries me.
Anyway, as I read the article, I thought about you, and I thought it might help you work through some of what you're going through if you could read it too. Again, I'm sorry for the tone of my first post. I don't want you to think that divorce is always the wrong choice. I just want you to think about it deeply, and really know why you want this. I hope that makes sense.
I think I understand where you are coming from. I have examined how I feel. I do not hate my wife, but I know I am not happy. I believe that is the ambivalence. If I hated her, it would be easy.
So if it is just a matter of me not being happy, then the wife and I should be able to work things out, right? Well, yes, if the other person was willing to work on it. She is not. She would rather play the victim than take responsibility for her life. I am tired of being the victim to her victim.
I am not perfect and I made mistakes that contributed to the situation we are in. I accept that. I do not think she is willing to accept her share which prevents her from making a change.
I am not looking to dump her so I can run off and have some mid life crisis. I cringe at the thought of dating. I do look forward to feeling like I have some control over my life again. To be who I want to be because I honestly do not feel that way with my wife. And I do, look forward to one day having an intimate relationship with someone that does not make me feel like I repulse them.
I apologize that I am coming off defensively. I do appreciate your input Dove Arrow. I have heard this before. I have thought about this before. I have been feeling this way to close to 16 years. I do not think I can probe my feelings much deeper.
Oh, and I am definitely not an explorer. I am not sure which of the other three I am. They all seem to fit.
Oh, and I am definitely not an explorer. I am not sure which of the other three I am. They all seem to fit.
Yeah, I think those four personality types are bunk. I think if you randomly gave anyone any of those descriptive texts, and said, "This is your personality type," they'd say, "Yeah. That makes perfect sense. I can definitely see that."
By the way, I gave you a bad link. I linked to the last page in the article, rather than the first page. I don't know if you read the rest of the article, but if you didn't, here's the link to the first page.
http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200907/divorce
I think what struck me the most about this article is how she answered the question in her therapy session. "Do you want to make your marriage work?"
When given the final choice by our longtime family therapist, who stands in as our shaman, mother, or priest, I realized … no. Heart-shattering as this moment was—a gravestone sunk down on two decades of history—I would not be able to replace the romantic memory of my fellow transgressor with the more suitable image of my husband, which is what it would take in modern-therapy terms to knit our family’s domestic construct back together.
I think that answer is incredibly honest, and I don't think there's anything wrong with her decision. I think she did what was best for her, for her husband, and for her children. Because seriously, if you're not willing to make it work, then it serves no one if you stay in the relationship. In fact, it's likely to just make things worse. So if you sincerely don't think you can make your marriage work, then I think the best thing for everyone is if you tell her how you feel.
On that note, I think you need to tell her everything exactly what you just told me. That you don't hate, her; that you recognize that you made mistakes in your relationship with her; and that you still want to be there for your daughter. That said, you're not happy, and while you don't want to hurt her, you just don't have the strength to continue trying to make it work. It's not good for you. It's not good for her. It's not good for your daughter.
I think a letter is a good format for something like that. I think it allows you to carefully weigh your words, and not say something hurtful that's going to feel like salt poured into a freshly opened wound.
Also, I wouldn't give the letter to her. I'd still tell her what you're feeling. I just think a letter will help you rehearse what you want to say in a way that's compassionate.
Anyway, I hope my advice is of some help to you. If it's not, I still wish you and your family nothing but the best. Take care.