Curious Observations of Other-worldly Politics
by Ranmikel Sevenoaks, Mage’s Guild Undersecretary (2nd class), part-time sage and full-time quill-monkey
Despite having this tiresome assignment thrust upon me by my superiors, in researching this esoteric topic I have developed a morbid fascination with its inner workings. What follows is a brief account of current political events on an obscure alternate Material Plane world called “Earth” (apparently a perversion of “Oerth” and not to be confused with the elemental plane of the same name). In particular, the political machinations of a major nation called “America” are the object of intense scrutiny and a flurry of activity. It must be noted here that many of the details in this report were hard-won and almost certainly inaccurate to some degree, owing to the fact that this “Earth” suffers from a curious scarcity of magic, resulting in divinations that are imperfect at best.
Now, the people of this nation, America, are peculiar in a number of ways, not least of which is their system of government. They have the odd practice of allowing the common people to choose their ruler by popular election every four years, resulting in a great deal of chaos for a supposedly lawful establishment. This does, however, have the benefit of being somewhat fluid, and escaping certain dangers such as the inbred stupidity often noted in traditional monarchies. We cannot be certain, but we believe they call this electoral system of government “Dichromatic,” possibly reflecting the fact that the government is divided into two main political parties whose representative colors are red and blue (some have suggested that the word is, in fact, “Democratic,” but let’s be serious here). At this time, the nation is in the middle of a convoluted candidate nomination process that will ultimately result in just two candidates for the people to choose between.
Now I shall briefly mention the candidates in the “blue party.” The first is known as the “Inevitable” candidate, apparently a kolaryut inevitable named Hilareh Kulintun (serial number unavailable) who, though working lawful good ends has shown slight lawful evil tendencies in a history of political maneuvering that is unbecoming of a product of Mechanus. Hilareh is believed to be an improvement upon an earlier model called Beel Kulintun, a former ruler who was nearly retired early due to an unfortunate breakdown in his programming. The second candidate is a fellow called Bara Ko’Bama, whose roots lie in places with fanciful names like “Kenya” and “Indoneesha” while his homeland is necessarily America, suggesting that he is, in fact, a Native Outsider (good subtype). His rivals claim that his relatively young age and inexperience are potential liabilities (the Wisdom bonuses of advanced age have not yet set in, it seems).
On to the “red party.” The first candidate is a man named Mikayne, a grizzled war veteran whose Wisdom bonuses run deep (if you get my drift). His campaign appears to be centered on the virtues of having leaders who are accomplished warriors. The second candidate is Romni, from a tribe of religious people called Mormons, who constitute an offshoot of America’s monotheistic faith. Perhaps unfairly, Mormons are often maligned, mistrusted and decried as heretics, despite the fact that few people actually know anything about them. Our sources say that Romni recently gave up on his bid for ruler ship. The third candidate is a man named Hakabi, a former cleric of America’s primary deity Yaweh (speculated to be a unified aspect of Heironeus, St. Cuthbert and Pelor). For many people, Hakabi seems to represent a push for a greater role for Yaweh’s ideology in the ruling of the nation (divine servitors of Yaweh could not be reached for comment).
The concerns of America’s common people weight heavily on the decision to elect one candidate over another. One such concern is America’s “war on terror,” which is almost universally recognized as a war against a particularly violent offshoot of Yaweh’s faith often referred to as “jihadism.” Proponents of jihadism ostensibly worship Yaweh (generally considered a peaceful deity) and claim that he has commanded them to destroy America, though sources seem to indicate that their clerics receive their spells from Erythnul or possibly Hextor.
A second concern is a nation called Iran, which denies American accusations that it is trying to develop epic-level spells.
A third concern is the American economy, which is related to the nation’s dependence on oil. America’s peculiar fascination with such large quantities of this combustible substance is all the more puzzling when you consider that our researchers have yet to find a single oil lamp in use in the entire nation (they apparently power their light sources by channeling electrical energy through “light bulbs,” though how they do this without any discernible magic is a paradox that has caused more than one researcher to tear out his hair in frustration).
A fourth concern is the state of Earth’s natural environment. It seems that decades of large-scale alchemical projects have had a deleterious effect upon the natural world that has seriously miffed the elemental forces. Currently, air elementals in the form of tornadoes rage across the plains in record numbers, water elementals have drained reservoirs and raised sea levels, fire elementals are responsible for costly wildfires, earth elementals have caused one disastrous tsunami in recent times and ice para-elementals are increasing in number. Tragically, most of this world’s druidic cultures have by this point either been converted to the worship of Yaweh or exterminated. Countless people have appeared through the years claiming druidic or arcane power, or even to be able to intercede in various circumstances on Yaweh’s behalf (miraculous healings and the like) but thus far these people have only shown a remarkable ability to peddle self-written books of questionable quality.
One last point of interest in this election is the long-awaited ousting of the current elected ruler, known by the moniker “Dobelyu.” His rule, aided by his cohort Chayni (a suspected blackguard), is popularly characterized by warmongering, a casual dismissal of the elemental crisis, a confrontational attitude toward other nations, a liberal use of detect thoughts on the citizenry and a tendency to advance the interests of wealthy aristocrats (of which he is one). All divination attempts upon his office have failed utterly, one of our researchers sent to investigate personally was found riddled with holes and small pieces of metal and a second colleague who attempted an inconclusive detect evil was detained by several dangerous-looking men in black suits of armor who told him never to do so again.
In conclusion, I emphatically suggest that all further research into this backwater be immediately discontinued, and I encourage planes-walkers to choose less dangerous vacation spots (I hear Gehenna is nice this time of year). For much of the information in this report I owe my sincere thanks to a well-informed denizen of America, a respectable beholder known as Sien’en, whose excellent information network is renowned for its unfailing accuracy and strict neutrality. Soon I will finally be able to wash my hands of this beastly civilization, just after I add the finishing touches to my report on how they manage to trap the souls of bards in those little “eye-pod” devices. In my opinion, anyone who is entertained by convincing people to drink those acidic “cola” things deserves what they get. As I have not yet blown my word limit, I would like to state for the record that I am not being paid for this. Dear reader, never become a scribe. Stick to the simple disciplines, like summoning fiends.
End of report
