Mortimer Magnus Monteque III's page

About Mortimer Magnus Monteque III

Sitting in a chair with manacles around his wrists and ankles, Mortimer begins telling two very imposing/intimidating muscle men why he thinks forced military service is wrong for him...

I was born to a privileged family - ya know,- considered nobility in Galt and grew up commanding people around and being a general a@&~$*% to just about everyone. I was in charge back then... those were the days...

Anyway, not soon after my 25th birthday, the winds of change blew into Galt and took down my family pretty hard. We had to flee in a f#@$in hurry. We went town to town trying to save as much of the family as we could. We were banished and on the run with nothing but a sinister grey gardner trying to hunt us down and behead us all with a soul sucking guillotine named Betsy.

I know...I see you staring at my name on that piece of paper you are holding. You just cant help but laugh at it can you? I know, I know, It is quite a mouthful, but I was named after my grandfather and grandmother Mortimer and Agnus Montque, two names that were on my most wanted list... (in mocking tones of madness he exclaims... ---> to die!) And died they did my rigid commander and chief! (MMM gets uncomfortable with the lack of facial emotion on the two military guys).

Lucky for me it was early in our exodus from Galt. Grandmah and gramps got caught going to their favorite breakfast place out on griffon circle. We f*$~ing told them not to leave the safe room, but hell no, they just had to walk into a pack of gardners enjoying their early morning meal. We barely made it out of that town alive. Lost gramps and grandma, lost little joey too. (makes a sad attempt to shed a tear and fails...) To bad on him, but he deserved no mercy in my eyes. The kid was a hardened criminal with the ladies... as far as I am concerned, that crime goes over the edge for me. You can steal whatever you want, swindle someone out of life and limb and watch them scamper off with no hope... that is ok. But take a woman against her will... that is just plain evil. So little joey is off to the great grey beyond where all the souls of Betsy go. I cant say I want to see that place, but it does somewhat intrigue me on how those devices could actually suck the soul out of your body.

One of the military guys walks over and stands behind Mortimer for no apparent reason. Mortimer, In an exasperated gay voice says to the man, "Oh my goodness! that is so inside my 5ft personal space."

His head was slammed on the table very roughly...

Anyway, (mmm starts slowly, working down into his normal talking manly voice) So we make it to Caliphas. I made my first 100gp in just a week, then it grew from there. I shared some of it, but I kept 60% of everything I made for me. No one else was doing half as good as me, so while the leaching bastards known as my family lived off the 30-40gp a week I brought in, I got the rest and I was enjoying my life hiding in Caliphas. Made an alliance with a pack of vampires, took down three other vendors and siphoned their goods into my own wares.

(Getting off on another tangent... again!!!) See, one thing that I was always good at, was making traps. You see, it started when I was a kid and wanted to get back at my older siblings for treating me like I was a dufus. the trap could never be blamed on me, as I was 1 of many children. Oh lets just say momma and daddy did not practice safe sex. They kinda reminded me of this religion taught to me at boarding school called the Abrotholics. They had to procreate when having sex, otherwise there was no sex.

Personally, I hate that as an idea, much less a religion. but... I have seen stranger things since. But back to the traps... lets just say that limp in my older brother daryll's left leg was from one of my masterpieces.

(MMM's laughter goes on longer than is comfortable for most people...)

Everyone, especially the vindictive people that were in the underside of Caliphas's lower income district, wanted to visit pain on someone they knew. I provided them this pain at a reasonable rate of return, and that's how this whole thing got started.

Within 6 months, we had to leave Caliphas. From there we went to Korvosa, Riddleport, Magnimar, and even Sandpoint. All of those visits ended the same way - I supported the family and made extra they never knew of. It pleased me when the family was starving, begging for food from people on the streets, all the while, I am sitting in a nice bakery, eating coffee cake and spiced mead while my family gets all muddy and spit on.

That was one of the memories I savor.

It wasn't till after we came here (Tian Xia) that my family found out about my secret stash. Not only did they take it, but they set me up on the bank situation we are trying to work out right now... I had no idea that the items in the box were stolen. I didn't steal them! I am innocent!

(*MMM looks around the room, even up at the ceiling, giving that crazed look as if he is waiting for someone to say, "I know your not guilty, this is a set up")

And so I sit here waiting for my evaluation....

(Another look up at the ceiling...)

I can fish you know... make traps... oh yea, you know that already. Oh yes! I picked up a few things about sailing while traveling all over this f#+$ing planet. So I might make a great sailor... right? I can tell the shwabbies what to do...

Hmmmm you guys don't say very much. (A light goes off in MMM's head) Holy S%~%! I forgot to tell you I can mix chemistry with the best of them? Oh yea, I am known to brew up some weird ass s!#% man.... I am so good I only need a few beakers and a half dozen test tubes and you got something that will get your motor running... heheh!

(When the sergeants didn't laugh in return MMM sat back down in defeat...) I am Working on growing a human fetus in a test tube right now.... don't know how applicable that is in todays world, but wouldn't it be cool to be known as the worlds first test tube baby? Definitely some potential there.

(After several minutes of uneasy silence)

I am innocent!!!!! (then a few seconds after that exclamation)...

"Just tell me what you want me to do and I will do it dammit!! Desna on a Popsickle stick!! just give me the terms and I will sign... f#*#in A!"