Celestial Thaumoctopus's page

Fantasy NPC: Dahsus The Sett-Builder. A tunnel-building faerie badger. He doesn't take commissions from monsters and evil-doers. Knowingly.

Oh, hi! I wondered what Mike had been up to.

I pay Celestial Follower in moldy turnip greens. He should be grateful.

Happy Birthday, immortal boss who has existed since before calendars were invented!

{rolls in another wheelbarrow of deviled turnips} Wow, you got more birthday turnips! I have no idea where we're going to put them all.

What I want is basically personal transporter like Star Trek. :p

A Trek-stype transporter? Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. .

Hope you had a very Happy Birthday, Aziraphale Celestial Healer!

Official trailer for Good Omens

{sobs} You heartless cannibals!

63) Do we want PF2.0 to follow the lead of a game named after fried squid?

Sure. Squids are evil bastards and deserve to be fried & eaten.

CalamariGram for Mongo?

Do tentacles count? Does a hand of glory qualify?

Octopi are friends. Cuttlefish are friends. Nautaloids are friends. Squid are evil rapacious bastards.

All squids are heartless bastards. And they never call the next day.

Non-sequitur:

...sometimes the evil shadowy thing with tentacles in the corner is just a plate of calamari in a bad light.

Sometimes you're right to be scared of the plate of calamari. (Link not safe around seafood, or any mealtime really)

Hrothdane wrote:

It was constructed by a race of sentient cyborg space cuttlefish the size of capital spaceships to teleport in their entire fleet to harvest galactic civilization every few millenia.

:3

G%##*!n cuttlefish.

Every. F++&ing. Time.

Hey! {sulks} No tentacles for you!

It's like eighth grade all over again, 2014 was the worst!

Technically that's my fault. I failed to carry out my temporal spatial drift calculations beyond the fourth decimal place, which is why that teleport spell mishap went so bad.

Also, as I was drunk on mimosas, I failed to consider that your highschool crush was a vertebrate and could not, in fact, squeeze her body through a half-dollar-sized hole.

And yeah, I should never have summoned Carrot Top. Seriously. That was a total !sshole move on my part.

Hell is pretty scenic place to visit...

I just wouldn't want to live there.

And it was a nice place to live until NJ and NY started exiling all their a**holes here.

Congrats, NJ and NY; you ruined Hell for everyone else.

{gently scoots CF over to the plastic sheet on the floor}

Hey! [lightbulb] Is there a market for celestial follower drool as a spell or alchemical component? Or as a refreshing bottled beverage? We could charge primo moolah if we could put it in a blinged-out bottle and call it something upscale.

On the other... well... how do you feel about energy drain?

I only hire succubi that are EnergyStar compliant.

Er, so I've heard.

Ummm... wait, no, that wasn't me. Nosiree, nope not me.

Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. (NSF for anywhere)

{blushes}

I just saw dame nichols!

She was smiling but tired. I am unsure if she would be up to my level or crazy, so I didn't go over to her. I will check money stores and see if a photo with her or a professional one with mr. Takei is in the cards.

Right now I am at the antipode panel to lean about geeky belly dancing!

Please remember to dial your Black Manliness down to a mere "Devastingly Handsome & Charming" setting (2 or 3 out of 11). Dame Nichols is legendary and an icon, but even she is a mere mortal woman and not immune to your charms.

I blame Cosmo for infecting Katina. Did you get the idea from the FTD Pick-Moander-Up bouquet*?

(* It's pronounced "bucket".)

{quietly hides half-eaten cacaodaemon left over from Eekster}

...People with tentacles cannot be trusted. It is known.

{spit-takes mimosa} Hey! :)

Well, after the CDC confiscated the leprosy-laden armadillo petting zoo, you cracked open a bottle of Ol' Janx Spirit and started drinking. About an hour later, you shouted something about Mrs. Frisby and Nicodemus weighing the same as a duck and therefore witches... so you set your Burt Reynold's Franklin Mint Commemorative Toupee Collection on fire.

CH & I made s'mores though. {offers plate of s'mores to CF}

Tacticslion wrote:

Eh... it's not that kind of sick, I'm afraid. It's the other kind. No, not that other kind... the other other kind.

o.o

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Leprosy is a b#*%#.

Yeah. Celestial Follower's plan for an all armadillo petting zoo had some drawbacks.

I thought those were aliens' crop circles. Huh.

If they're for summoning fiends, that could explain alot. However, it does pose a new question: Why are the summoned fiends so interested in rectal probing the Prime Material yokels?

I'm starting to think this house was built on a mages' sacred burial ground, and at least a couple made regular use of time stop.

{puts tentacles on TV screen}

Oooo, I sure hope Satan Claws got my wish list this year! I could really use a new blender from the Island of Misfit Appliances.

Celestial Healer wrote:

To be fair, our standards were always pretty low.

Leafar said, "Masters, provide your slaves with what is right and fair, because you know that you also have Masters in Nevaeh." ~Book of Leafar 4:1

{blasts with cleansing gout from Holy Flamethrower of Antioch}

Obviously. {lines up flamethrowers, begins blessing napalm tanks}

Dangit, that exterminator was in just a week ago, and he promised he'd smite'd all the vermin. {goes looking for flamethrower}

{gazes longingly into oven} Mmmm, CF's roast random encounter & turnip stuffing smells wonderful.

I can't believe I Rip Van Winkle'd through Poodleween and almost missed Lemsgiving!

The pearl fish lives in the sea cucumber's butt.

Could be worse, could be Guy Fieri.

{begins renewing anti-Fieri wards and runes}

Mmmm, Flays(tm)... can't stop at one!

Wait, we're talking about parsnip chips, right?

{digs in to a second bowl of 20yro Smurfberry Crunch cereal previously forgotten in the pantry} I didn't realize the natural progression of stale eventually leads to petrified. I think the artifici͇͈a̴͇̯͈̝͍̦̝l̖͇̯̠ ̛̮̼̩͈c̖̜̘̣o̧̙̣͓l̟͚̝̯or̠s̪͡ h̡̜͎̹̠̘͕ͅạ̝͕̞̞ͅv̠̯̻̼̝̣̬ȩ̷̻͍̫̼͓͞ ̡̪͙̘̦̥͈o̗̲͕͚̦͈̮̭ṉ͓̦̥̣l̦̼͓͕͙̕y̶̲̞̩͖̞̜ ̠͙̙̩͇͘͡i̢̳̦͈͟n͘͡͏̝t̶̯͓̼̜̣̱̙͍̲e҉̙̬͕͉n͎̯͈̦͈̪͝s̸͏̞̼̲̝͚ͅi̛̭̼͖̫͇f̸̦͇̣̩ì̻͡ͅe̢̯͝ͅ ͈d͘͜҉̞͙͉̲ w̴̛͡͏̡̝̱̗͍̟̖̝̖̟͈̪̹̪̙͕i̷̗̝̰̰̼͈̜͈͔̹͉͕̳̥̻̖ͅt̸̷͎͍̼̠̘͙̟̘̻̳ͅh̴̵̘̮͍̪͙̪̲̳̙̞̫̘͜͞ ̵̟̟͍̲̙̜̦͖à̵͇̥̘̰͎͚̹͎̣͉͍̥̼̣͠͡g̷̼̙̭͎̹̜̻̹͠e̶͘҉͕̪̝̩͎̭̼͈̟̻̪̟̲̙̩͕̙͕̖.̡̧̩̹̜̦͓̱̙̻̕ͅ ̳͔̟̙ͅ.̶̰͖̖͕̘͜͡͞.́͏̻͉̥̮͉͈̻̦͎͕̗̼͟ ̨̫̣̫̥͎̯̹̼̺̰̮̟͙͟W̙̫̠͇͢͞͝͝ͅh̸͙͚̖̰̫͕̯́͟͠o҉̸̀҉͈̜̤͚̤̪̪̼̹͕̟̝͙̱̰͉̻̠̜a̶̷̧̫̦̬̪̼̙̜͖͘. ̷̢̕͏͈̫͚̤̫̯͇̟̳̻͏̷̡̦̣̗̻̬̀͠

Hey, we got a flyer in today's mail. Zon-Kuthon's Krazy Footwear Emporium is having a sale. And there's coupons!

{looks confused} What is "footwear"? Heck, what's a "foot"? Hmmm, time to look up humanoid anatomy in the handy Rob Liefeld's Guide to Human Anatomy.

D'you know that our next door neighbor has three poodles?

D'you know that bees and turnips can smell fear?

D'you know that the vegepygmy head weighs 8 pounds?

Grand Magus wrote:

No.

I drive to Starbucks every morning, then to McDonalds for breakfast (I never
drink McD coffee, it is nasty.) Then, I get my daily groceries from
Trader Joe's (because they are higher class), and return home to watch
movies on the internet all day. At night, I lay in bed and play games on my iPhone.

Repeat.

.

So you're my cat?

Letting your cat drink coffee is just asking for trouble. {sips mimosa}

Looks like Crom got upset for us wanting to sacrifice Conan, so the Nirvana Beadledom Cabal canceled it... but I bet we could get Leno to fill in if we asked.

Celestial Thaumoctopus wrote:

Spontaneous cures?! That's real? Huh. The best I've been able to do is convert spells into create alcoholic beverages.

{sips Midnight Isles Iced Tea} Mind you, I'm not complaining.

Yes, well, we won't talk about what you did to Mary Tyler Moore the last time I asked for a "Bloody Mary".

It was her fault for picking a safeword in Dark Speech. The ottoman and stuffed peacock had both been scotchguarded, so the stains all came out. And the polymorph wore off after a week.

Spontaneous cures?! That's real? Huh. The best I've been able to do is convert spells into create alcoholic beverages.

{sips Midnight Isles Iced Tea} Mind you, I'm not complaining.

{from under couch:} I don't have hands.

{shrieks in terror, squeezes under couch to hide}

F#%+ing turnips, how do they work?

Well, it was her own fault being a skank. Probably wasn't the best timing, but CF isn't a liar.

Thankfully, she didn't manage to get off a curse of lyskankthropy hex.

CF, your Pikmin Sangria is also quite refreshing!

One time I went to visit my dad when he was working in Augusta, Georgia, and we ended up going to Denny's for lunch. He ordered a ginger ale, whereupon the waitress told him that they didn't have any, but could "make some." He asked what that entailed, to which the waitress replied, "It's OK, we can just mix some Coke and Sprite together. It's the same thing."

I didn't think Denny's employees got mythic abilities, like "not ginger ale" into ginger ale. I guess I learned something new.

As long as he doesn't skimp on the blessed alcohol, I'm sure it'll be fine. {levitates unsteadily into the kitchen for another mimosa}