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So, after reading through this adventure, I can say that it's not perfect. There are definitely some things that can be improved, and some areas where the author can grow. Personally, I think the adventure looks like a lot of fun and the type of thing I'd like to sit down to. I'll fully admit that I'm the type of adventurer who likes the "uncanny" and really enjoys unique, off the beaten path adventure types, so this sort of adventure is my jam.

However, I'm more concerned about the criticisms levied by the judges. I feel like a lot of the critique provided is not assisting and some of it is flat-out wrong. Now, I understand that this is more or less a “side project” for our illustrious Paizo overlords, but when you’re looking at a high caliber contest like this and judging the work of passionate (if slightly under-experienced) writers, it seems unfair to make the sorts of criticisms I’m seeing here:

I might want to look into next year specifically asking RPG superstar proposals to deliberately NOT be set in the same region as upcoming Adventure Paths, just so we can get some variety in our adventure locations. I’d hoped that by requiring these adventures to be set in the Darklands to avoid that.

Didn’t the finalists need to get approval via pitch before this entry was created? If so, why was it allowed then? It seems odd to blast someone for knowledge beyond their grasp.

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A fight against a bulette whose actions and burrowing weaken the environment is a neat idea… but take care involving lava in a 5th level adventure! That stuff BURNS.

I think that’s probably why it was said that it superheats the water. Lava is very powerful, but lava underneath water causing it to boil would just end up being… boiling water. Seems much more manageable by a 5th level party (though still potentially dangerous), and in my opinion a very cool visual… “lava glowing deep under the water, causing numerous bubbles to rise up and disturb the surface of a once warm pool of water to a boiling roil”:

Boiling water deals 1d6 points of scalding damage, unless the character is fully immersed, in which case it deals 10d6 points of damage per round of exposure.

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If the monks have regular traffic to and from the Darklands, it’s unlikely that there’d be dangerous monsters like dire bats lurking right there so close to their basement; the monks would have likely driven them off.

I’m honestly a bit baffled by this one. There are so many possibilities as to WHY there would be a creature here that it doesn’t even seem like a point to make whatsoever. Perhaps the dire bats were being fed by the monks, and now that they’re gone the beasts are hungry and angry, attacking the PCs when they show up. Perhaps the bats simply moved in during the few days / weeks since the monks have gone missing (you know, like normal bats do in every day life. Ever gotten bats in your attic or chimney? Nearly everyone ever has at one point or another. I mean, come on.

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“Grower” is a pretty silly name. Avoid using names that are words like that in most cases for most NPCs. An NPC named “Grower” is more likely to get made fun of as a farmer or something by your players than treated seriously. Of course… if you WANT your NPC to be a joke and a source of comedy… that’s fine. But that’s not the goal of this NPC as far as I can see.

Ahem…

Note On Names Duergars abstain from traditional naming conventions, often viewing names as a pointless exercise in a doomed world. When young, they are ‘child,' and then become ‘woman' and ‘man'. Amongst the other races, they often take on a name because their companions ask them to; this name is often matter-of-fact and describes their perceived role in the world.

Names Hammer, Smith, War, Hunter, Tailor, Shieldbearer, Slayer, Hatemonger

Grower doesn’t seem silly at all. It seems quite normal for a duergar name, actually. (NOTE: this is a third party notation, but having used the d20pfsrd to get to it, I can see how such a conclusion would be made as well. However, considering there is no “official” naming convention via Paizo material, it works)

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Vegepygmies can’t talk, and hinging an important plot point on having one of them needing to communicate with the PCs is dangerous. Make sure there are more ways for the PCs to learn what’s going on than talking to a creature they’re not likely to be able to easily communicate with in the first place.

Should one of these warriors fall, the vegepygmy chieftain calls off the horde and attempts to communicate with the PCs.

Bolded for relevance… it doesn’t say they talk to the PCs, it says they try to communicate. Writing is communicating. Or gesturing. Or a plethora of other methods as well. Sure, elaboration towards such would have been nice, but it’s not hard to draw such a conclusion from what we’re given, and a finished product would most certainly include such.

Admittedly, it would have been good for Brian to include an alternate way of getting this info too, but non-verbal communication with creatures to try to gather information is interesting and different, in my opinion.
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Ochre jellies are big. They wouldn’t fit in jars that could be easily carried by duergar… even in their larger form. Green slime’s a better option for this type of stunt.

Wow… where to start here?

Split (Ex)

Slashing weapons, piercing weapons, and electricity attacks deal no damage to an ochre jelly. Instead the creature splits into two identical jellies, each with half of the original creature's current hit point total, rounded down. A jelly with 10 hit points or less cannot be further split and dies if reduced to 0 hit points.

Now, while it does not explicitly say such, I think it’s a fair assumption to make that split ochre jellies would weigh half as much, and probably take up less space too. It’d be easy to split an ochre jelly into a few bits and then jar up the off-shoots. That would actually be pretty interesting in my opinion.

Also…

Notes in a long-forgotten tome mention a burial practice used in faraway places that resembles cremation. Instead of burning the corpse to ashes, the practitioners seal the body into a stone sarcophagus with an ochre jelly so it can dissolve the body. Afterward, the morticians place the ochre jelly into a large canopic jar, complete with a bronze plaque naming the deceased.

It seems not only quite easy, but practical, to jar ochre jellies.

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That wayang is WAY far from home. Not sure he’s the right choice of creature to include here. A wayang should be a MUCH more important part of an adventure set so far from Tian Xia, not just a glorified wandering monster.

Why? What makes a wayang so special that it can’t be included here? This sounds like personal preference… and as such, not very legitimate criticism.

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You normally can’t awaken a giant slug. Also, you already have intelligent philosopher poet snails in this adventure. A talking giant slug is too much.

Uhh… a druid capable of casting awaken, with the Vermin Heart feat, casts it on a giant slug … What am I missing here? It looks very easy to awaken a vermin, if you’re a druid capable of casting 5th level spells with a single feat. Also, “a talking giant slug is too much” is more personal preference rather than critique. I think it sounds really unique and cool.

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Midnight Morels are unlikely to be encountered outside of the Worldwound.

So, just because the material was printed in the Worldwound campaign setting means you can’t find it elsewhere? Why? The material doesn’t say as much.

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As a creature that can’t talk and lacks hands and warps magic… a spellcasting class is in fact a poor choice for a flail snail.

I… I think bloodragers can do things other than cast spells, right?

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Adding a portal to the First World is too distracting; don’t do it.

Why? It seems like “distracting” and “interesting” are interchangeable here or something. Geez, far be it for an adventure to pave way towards… more adventure…

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“Root dragon” is not a direction I’d like to see dragons go to. “Root” seems not powerful or frightening enough a word to put in front of “dragon.” Furthermore, this is a Darklands adventure, and that means that it’s weird to have First World creatures. I’d rather see a Darklands themed monster as the leader of the vegepygmies.

Again, I have to disagree. I think having an otherworldly creature ruling over the simple vegepygmies is perfect. Also, I guess you’re not familiar with terrifying creatures like treants (ents)? From a non-PF example, the fight scene at the end of The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers around Isengard was terrifying. I think a plant-infused dragon is pretty awesome and totally in-line with the flavor of this adventure.

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This ends up sounding like the dragon would have just ignored the PCs if they hadn’t already killed a bunch of vegepygmies, and that's not compelling. A major villain should be proactive, moving forward and causing problems, or at least being an obvious and growing threat.

It would have chewed up word count, but it would have been awesome to have signs of the dragon scattered around the adventure… large claw marks torn into cavern walls, strange root-like outcroppings in unnatural areas (results of the root dragon’s breath weapon), etc… in fact, I’d imagine such description would be in a finished product.

In addition, the adventure clearly states that the root dragon is upset with the party regardless of outcome, including simply interfering with them via communication / alliance.
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Let me reiterate my earlier sentiment: this is a contest, for fun, which can nonetheless have an impact on the future of these prospective writers. Criticism is great, and constructive criticism is even better. However, in many of the things I outlined here, these don’t qualify as constructive in any way. It’s disappointing to see it go down this way, but ultimately… this was a good adventure. Of course, there can only be one winner, and perhaps this one didn’t stack up against the competition. But at the end of the day, if you have to rely on flimsy arguments, incorrect statements or straight-up biased commentary, what good does that do for our contestants?

Ramsey, your profile pic is geeking me out. I keep getting a Mystery of Druids vibe from it.

The geomaw seems like a great "wandering monster" but not the best thing to craft an encounter around. Sure, there are a few reasons you could encounter one, but ultimately it would make a much better "oh crap oh crap oh crap" pants-sullying random encounter than a set piece monster. However, I can see the appeal of wanting to write around it.

Very cool monster. Blegh, mushrooms! Fungus! I deal with enough of that in my shower, now I gotta deal with it in Pathfinder too?!

(I kid, I kid... that's gross)

A mushroom fey... very neat. Only quibble I'd have is that the description seems a bit lacking. I get the bottom half is grub-like, and the thing has hands, but... what else? What's their top half like? Are they like grub-centaurs with a humanoid-looking top half and gross bug butt? I have to envision this... *shudder*

Are "blood crystals" a thing? Or do we need to include a little bit in the larger book this creature would show up in to discuss "blood crystals" and what they're really actually useful for?

Yep, they're a thing. As far as I know they're not really referenced anywhere else either, so this monster gives us a decent "origin" for a relatively mundane item. Not to say that all blood crystals must come from the geomaw, but it's still a neat idea.

I like this monster! Very neat concept, really driving home the "terror" aspect that hits us all in Pathfinder sometimes (i.e. "Oh God, oh God, what the hell do we do?!"). The little bits of flavor really shore it up as well, in my opinion - it's not just a mindless mass of crystals bent on devouring your party. Sometimes they just like to sit around and chat, making thrumming, drumming and clinking sounds... almost like a hippie commune! That is, if the hippies then wanted to devour you.

Sorry about the DQ, man. You made it this far - I'm sure if you keep your resolve and do your best you'll go even farther next year. Good luck to you!

That crack looks like it's right on the treant's... oh... oh, wow... how unfortunate.

Overall, a clever design. It's set apart from other "inside a big creature" encounters because it feels like more than just a map drawn in a big creature. If this was just a bridge it would definitely be less eye-catching.

Why the treant's heart would still be around is beyond me especially considering this thing is already inhabited / passed through, but hey.

The "flaming rift" in the lower right corner feels tacked on and unnecessary. The rest is interesting enough to be worth a session's time.

Solid entry! Good luck!

I really like this map. It's a great "Fit it in almost anywhere" type of map with a clear nod towards the Sodden Lands but that would make a lot of sense anywhere with a body of water.

The sink hole, while not terribly fleshed out here, is a perfect place for any number of subterranean-type encounters, and offers an easy branch / entrance to an underground lair, cave system, or even dungeon. Add in the fact that it may be directly below a body of water... you've got some really cool set-piece possibilities already.

This one's definitely got my vote this round!

Lava can take a while to cool off in the ocean.

Okay - but my point is, a single 5 ft. mote of lava isn't enough to bring down a castle wall as some posters are inclined to believe. It could do some damage, sure, but the removal of the spike will also cause the lava to instantly harden and cool. Better keep that rod inserted into the ground safe and keep an enemy from yanking it for... however many hours it'd take to cause enough melting / damage to a wall to actually burst an opening for yourself...

GM discretion is a heck of a thing.

I think some folks here are missing the core concept of any good "for fun" item - much of the specifics is going to need to boil down to the GM's discretion. Sure, there isn't a lot of rules clarification for lava, but I don't think it's this item's place to clarify a mechanic of a natural occurrence. Making it "lava-like" would be a possibility but would take away some of the thematic appeal of an item like this.

My interpretation is that this item isn't meant to be a game-breaker or a tool for Timmy Power-Gamer. It's meant to be an interesting and unique item that a player picks up for fun or for versatility. A terrain changer in the palm of your hand? Awesome! Potential damage if used properly? Sweet! A sort of "wall-buster"? Yeah, maybe, if it works that way. But ultimately it's not a broken item. It could use some fine-tuning, but given the confines of this competition I thought it was a great entry.

Also, to the people who are saying that this would crumple castles in minutes - as a GM, I would easily and rationally rule that, no, it couldn't. Even if you have a flow of lava appear underneath a sturdy wall, the most it'd do is melt some of the bedrock / foundation, possibly cause the wall to sift or slide, and do some structural damage. The rock melting into the lava would displace the lava's heat and cause it to turn to obsidian. That's how large chunks of rock survive in actual lava flows. Lava is not eternally hot with a never-ending possibility to mulch all materials around it. It's hot - very hot, and can melt some stuff, but just like dropping ice cubes into a pot of boiling water, eventually the ice cubes will melt slower and slower until they do not melt at all. All you got left is a pot of lukewarm, or even cold, water, and lava would do the same thing.

I'll admit that Brian's submission might not have perfectly met every criteria of this contest. Sure, a boat isn't the most urban location (even though it's docked, and last I checked most docks are part of an urban location...), and that boats aren't the most exciting, unique set-pieces ever. But he went with an interesting and unique concept that I've never seen before.

Pirates on a boat? That's boring and overdone. The boat itself coming to life? Maybe if it's haunted. But this is a creepy, pseudo-haunting that turns out to go much deeper and that uniqueness is what gives this encounter its charm. Come on - who expects a dryad on a boat?

Back in the day you didn't have to match every single rule of the contest to a pin-point - the judges cared more about fun and excitement and awesomeness, and if you had to bend the rules of the contest ever so slightly to accomplish that they allowed it because the item / monster / encounter was cool. This year it seems the guest judges are taking the rules to an extreme and snuffing encounters based on silly, minute details. All three of the judges on this encounter praised this encounter in their own ways, two of them even stating that it seems like a "flavorful", "memorable", and "clever" encounter. However, they all put the hammer down for sort of odd reasons in my opinion.

Brian's isn't the only one either. Half (or over half) of the other entries received unanimous "do not recommend"s from the judges - this should be indication enough that maybe their opinions aren't the end-all that some folks crack them up to be.

This entry has my vote - it's one of the stand-out entries of this round with a memorable setpiece and would lead to a really fun evening of gaming for my group should I choose to run it or something similar. Sure, it's not perfect, but the RPG Superstar contest is about finding hidden talent that's ready to break out into the professional world, and I think Mr. Fruzen's got that. Good luck, Brian!

Congratulations to everyone who made it into the Top 16! I was happy to see some of my favorites make it, so it will be a lot of fun to see how the rest of this plays out.

I do want to make a point to say this: this is most definitely a competition and only the best will take home first place, but simply getting this far (heck, to the top 32 even) was a herculean feat of its own. Don't be distressed or let down if you get cut from the top 32, 16 or don't get first place - everyone here deserves to be here for one reason or another. Even after the confetti flies and the champion stands crowned, continue to be awesome at creating exciting new Pathfinder items, monsters, and adventures. Who knows where your creative prowess may take you in life?

If you keep them intelligent, what kinds of creatures do they work with, how do they communicate, can they be trained with bribes of magic or iron, etc?

You tell me. An int of 2 is higher-end animal-like intelligence. You can bribe and train horses and dogs, so it would stand to reason that you could with this too (per GM discretion).

Many people are getting hung up on the minor details that, in my opinion, add to this guy's charm. An intelligent construct? Interesting and new. I'm bored of mindless automatons. A spontaneously creating construct? Very interesting and new. I would have liked to find out how the first (or even first batch) of these came to be, but the concept is open to interpretation and unique, lending itself well to the creatively-minded GM. Heck, if monsters are too specific I usually change stuff about them anyway - having some air of mystery and wonder, amidst your players and yourself, is part of this game's true magic.

Nothing the Emberling represents is bad or unplayable. As a monster it is sound, and as a story element or encounter piece it has a lot of potential. It just needs a little extra spark from a creative GM to really make it shine.

All we're missing is a television and we've got Sadako. ;)

Well, I suppose it seems like your creature is far less intent on murdering and possessing people.

The water dependent ability is kind of weird. That's a lot of words for a monster's ability that will most likely rarely come to relevance. Sure, it's fine for flavor, but who really cares if a monster makes its save to bond to a new watering hole? Unless one of these things is made to be incredibly plot-centric I don't see this ever coming into play.

All told, it's still an alright creature. More of a "hey, look at that" creature than a "let's kill it!" creature, but played well by a GM it could be interesting.

This is a really neat creature. It looks like a bit of a bear to fight, but that's half the fun - too many "pack of goblins" or "throng of bandits" at low level, a nice interesting switch-up like this fellow is exactly what a low-level group could use.

Definitely looks challenging... I'd say if you don't have at least one or two Timmy Power Gamers amidst your ranks you'll be in for a beating. The ability to stay its damaging ability with cold or water is really flavorful and cool, albeit Hardness 5 can be a bit tough to overcome even at 2nd level.

The whole self-forming construct thing is fine in my book. It's almost like a vermin with a bit of intelligence thrown in. It doesn't age, breathe, or sleep so it falls in line with construct rules, and it seems like it's "constructed" from the magic items and sundries gathered by its kin. Do they magically spawn into existence? Do other emberlings build more emberlings like clockwork creatures? It leaves some up to our (and the GM's) imagination while still satiating enough for it to make sense. Personally I'd love to run these in my own campaigns - cool concept, cool execution, cool cool cool- wait, hot hot HOT!! Voting to keep!

theheadkase: it says in the description that it's got dozens of legs. I imagine a big dang firey centipede when I read this, and centipedes can't be tripped.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NqGQyMF5a_0

I really liked this item. I didn't get a chance to vote as much as I'd have liked to so I never came across it, but I'm glad it made the Top 32! Very creative, it fills a niche that doesn't see much love (burrow), and flavorfully captures the essence of the Bulette.

Best of luck in the next round! I look forward to seeing your monster submission: if it's half as flavorful as this item was we'll be in for a treat!

Eel, you shouldn't have too much trouble with that particular random encounter chance. It's only rolled when they cross bridges, which are relatively few within the swamp. Between their exploration and where the adventure sends them, I wouldn't imagine they'll be crossing bridges more than 10 times or so, max.

Should it become a problem, though, simply self-regulate it. Have they killed a giant leech at one bridge? Don't have them fight another one there should they cross it again, even if you roll it a second time. Are they crossing bridges purposely to "farm"? Make them waste their time, this is Pathfinder, not an SNES RPG!