Benedict-R-NLD's page

Sure. Rosas ... whatever you say.

<As Benedict goes to Rosas to help fix her camera, refusing to think about why Johnny is so interested in his anus, he can't help but feel his pants becoming more and more uncomfortable. Too tight, he thinks.>

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Here, Rosas, let me have a look at that thing again.

Oooooh!! Oooooh!! Pick Johnny!! Pick Johnny!! He's a little stressed, I hear.

<Benedict finishes playing with Rosas's camera and tosses it back to her.>

All set. Good as new.

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You guys enjoy the show, I'm going to make sure these 'bots are in good shape. After all the excitement, they might have some carbon-scoring.

<Benedict turns to the DocBot, making sure it is good shape.>

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<Benedict begins to duck and weave, trying to dodge the laser blasts he assumes are incoming, while simultaneously trying to reach the goggles. In effect, he is doing some sort of crazy, gymnastics dance, involving crabwalks, splits, and disco moves.>

Yes! Here I am. I am also your Equipment Guy! You nneeeeeeeddd me!

<Benedict-R-NLD-3 wanders up, mumbling something about "stupid even-numbers," collects his previous clone's gear, and falls in with the rest of the group.<

Sorry about my predecessor's failures. The clone vat operators say that number two is always the stinkiest of the bunch. Apparently, everyone there just likes to get number two out of their systems, do the paperwork, and then flush the remnants. Number two, in short, is a real pain in the butt, and it's a shame that everyone, and I mean everyone, has to go through it.

So what'd I miss? I thought I heard someone say something about checking a camera. Rosas, let me see that.

<Benedict waits to see if Johnny will take a pair of goggles.

Yes sir, sir. We're on top of things here. Don't you worry. We're the Really Good Guys, after all.

I assume we'll also be assigned some sort of slick super-fast transportation device to move these bots from here to TPK.

<Benedict, as Equipment Guy, steps to the front of the diminished troubleshooting squad.>

We are here to requisition a DocBot for Computer assigned troubleshooting, sir! We have experienced some Commie-traitor-related injuries and felt this would help in our long-term Commie-traitor-hunting endeavors. Your cooperation would be most appreciated.

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"Hey trench coat, retina burn, I'll say hello to your replacement clones for you."

Why thank you, Johnny. That's very pleasant of you. Tell him I wish him all the best and ... hey, wait a minute!

<Benedict visibly concentrates on the situation at hand. He then turns to Yossa and points at the metal collar around his neck.>

Sorry, Yossa, but I've already got a point against me. Good luck rectifying your treasonous lack of Alpha Complex assigned equipment.

Let's go see some 'bots!

Could everyone please clarify where they are off to next. It seems that Yossa is heading to PLC to get his new PDC. Dexter and Rolf plan to report to the bot processing facility. What are the rest of you doing?

<After collecting his expired clone's gear, Benedict is happy to follow our Team Leader, Yossa, aka He Who Will Be Found Responsible For Our Treasonously Tardy Behavior, to outfitting.>

<Benedict-2 snaps to attention at Yossa's Impressively Commanding Voice and prepares to move out. First, however, he rather daintily sticks his hand into the used-up toothpaste tube that is Benedict-1 and tries to gather any equipment that might have survived the encounter with the Very Large Squishing.>

All set, Team Leader! As Equipment Guy, by the way, I'll soon have to check everyone's equipment to make sure it is proper repair after the mayhem that I heard was experienced here recently. Let's get our Team Leader a PDC first, though.

<Benedict-R-NLD-2 wanders into the briefing room, slightly befuddled by his recent decanting. He is clearly disgusted by the various bits of mangled human scattered about the room, but gamely tries to respond to Rosas's request regarding her camera equipment. He nearly bursts into tears when he is interrupted and accosted by Johnny.>

I'll get right on it, fellow Troubleshooter! Although, from the looks of things, it might be irreparable.

<Benedict's confusion and sorrow are swept away by Johnny's crass insensitivity and belligerence, and his face sets in grim determination as his emotions are galvanized by this show of violence.>

This one will be first to fall ...

I'm your guy, Johhny-R-OTN-1! I'll get everything all fixed up for ya!

Great Scott! Ya spend one day actually gaming in real life, and you almost miss the whole virtual experience!

<From the moment the guardbot entered the room, Benedict has been lying on the ground, covering his head with his hands, trying to avoid being stepped on by the giant 'bot-legs. He couldn't help but smile when Yossa was accused of treason. He KNEW that trenchcoat was a sign of commie behavior. Suddenly catching on fire for no reason whatsoever, he fails to notice the various suicidal behaviors going on around him until the 'bot put him out. He then lies there in agony, his slippery skin horribly burnt, his mind playing tricks on him as he gasps out as much defense as possible.>

I ... never went ... poop. Happiness pills ... constipated. Don't have ... Yossa's ... PD ... C. Love ... Computer. Anakin ... help me!

<Benedict lies still, waiting for the docbot, termination, or both.>

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Benedict, woozily begins to sing ...

Alpha Complex, you're the one,
you make fun time so much fun,
blasting Commies left and right,
Alpha Complex, outta sight.

Johnny's got arms, so do I,
Rosas has a gleam in her eye,
Dexter, a grinner, Yossa, a sinner,
what's he tote beneath his coat?
Rolf appeared from the sky.

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Room number! How can I request a roombot if I don't know the ... docnumber? Uhh ...

My head hurts. Maybe I should sit down.

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*THUD* Ugh ... ouch.

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Don't worry, Johnny. That beeping is totally normal. It just means that the detergent catalyzer is re-initiating the gyro displacement flow. Just back away from the sound of my voice, as quickly as possible, and it will be finished in just a sec.

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Darn it, Yossa! Where are we?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

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Someone screams like a girl

Stop throwing chairs at Rosas!

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Where's that Docbot! People are getting hurt down here! Johnny apparently has arms, but I can't speak for the rest of us! Maybe he's the only one! Rosas, do you still have your arms? Also, it's really only a matter of time before Johnny starts soaking people with natural-food-laced detergent, and then where will we be? Covered in a sudsy, yet-still-delicious, treasonous foodstuff, that's where! For the love of the Computer, help us!

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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! It's Chaos!

Rosas?! Are you okay?! I'll call help!

<Benedict very helpfully whips out his PDC and humbly requests a docbot to ... uh ...>

Hey, Yossa, where are we?

BTW, does the PDC screen shed any light in the darkness?

Huh?

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<Benedict sits veeeerrrry still, trying not to draw laser fire in the dark.>

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"Well while we are all waiting for the Indigo to get his butt in gear and tell us what the Ultraviolet that sent us on this mission wants lets play a game to keep up our moral!"

How about thumb-wrestling? I really enjoy it!

<Benedict sits quietly, waiting to hear how Yossa describes his flawless leadership style.>

Presumably you get yourselves settled (eventually). Benedict strolls back in with a big s~*& eating grin on his face and takes a seat.

Ewwww. Just so we're clear, that's NOT what Benedict was doing in the bathroom. He may be a mutant ... but still!

<If no one objects, Benedict runs out to the nearest restroom, as he stated before. Everybody poops, even mutants.>

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<Benedict returns after a few minutes, whistling and feeling much more at ease with Alpha Complex.

<Benedict rubs his arm where Johnny poked him and squints at him angrily.>

You've got a lot of gadgets over there, Mister Hygiene-guy. I'm definitely going to have to have a look at most or all of them here in the near future.

<Benedict is impressed by the official-sounding name that Yossa has given his team (assuming he meant us) and smiles and waves to anyone who is around.>

Hey, Team Leader ... can you maybe hold the briefing for a sec? I've got to use the little clone's room.

Ready for next scene.

Tee hee.

"I meant move to the mission breifing! Everyone, just follow me, alright?"

*Once again heads out to try to get to the breifing on time*

<Benedict falls into line behind Yossa, ready and able, yessir, ready AND able to follow orders and head to this mission briefing that Yossa keeps yammering about even though he is really a wonderful team leader and does all the right things when he's supposed to do them and never lets himself get distracted by his less dedicated and almost certainly treasonous and communistic and absolutely mutated (I mean, there's not much doubt about that, now, is there, after all, the collar's right here, you see) team members who really, it should be pointed out, are just trying to do the best they can to follow orders and serve the Computer in the best possible way according to each individual's special capacity, which is hard to do when one is being constantly suds'ed down with hose-y weapons and accused of treason and distracted by Rosas's really, really red hair, and when one keeps wondering what Yossa's got under his trenchcoat and then eating really soap-y tasting illegal natural foodstuffs that tasted mostly like The Computer's Official Industrial Cleansing Product Brand Product mixed with dirt, not that I know what either of those things actually tastes like, that's almost certainly treason, but from what I've been told that's pretty much what I imagined and why is Johnny pointing that thing at me, maybe I should keep quiet for the rest of the trip to the mission briefing; jeez, Johnny sure is cool. Ok, quiet, starting now ... Thanks for the pill, Rolf ... OK, now.>

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<Benedict now starts to wonder if all that previous stuff was internal or external monologue.>

Hey, Yossa, how's that smoke detector working? Detect anything yet? No, Benedict, quiet! Remember? Shut up! No, you shut up! Who said that? Oh, I give up! Grrr. Ack.

Is Benedict taking his pill?

<Benedict isn't a commie traitor. If the Happiness Officer says, "Take a pill," Benedict takes the pill. He's eying Rolf's equipment for summary inspection, though.>

Woah! Woah!

<Benedict would hold up his hands, if they weren't full of boxes of worthless junk.>

I'm just trying to be a loyal com-, er, mutant. I don't want to take pills above my clearance, that's all. Tell you what, I'll take mine when Johnny takes his Teel-O anaerobic stimulant pills. They are sure to make him more virile and his shoes shiny!

<Benedict keeps sweating. His red jumpsuit is soaked around the neck and armpits, even after the thorough cleansing Johnny gave him.>

<Benedict hands to Rolf the pills he found in the box of assigned equipment.>

Here, these should be what Johnny is looking for. They're Teela-O Anaerobic Stimulant Pills, intended to make your muscles bigger, your reaction time quicker, your hair shinier, and your breath minty.

<Benedict hesitates to take the yellow pill from Rolf, though.>

Aren't these beyond my security clearance? Johnny's got one inside him, though. Does that make his tummy a commie? or a traitor? or both?

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"errrmmmm. I mean, no way, Johnny. You know as well as I do that those are your treasonous food-rocks. Not I'm not saying I put them in the detergent cannon. Maybe I did, maybe I didn't. I mean, maybe Derek here did it.

<Benedict tries putting his hand on Derek's shoulder, but since he can't see it under the soap suds, he smacks it down square on Derek's nose.>

But the fact is, those little pieces of gravel came from somewhere ... if you want to bring the Computer into this, well, I guess that's your call.

<Benedict is sweating ... even moreso than usual.>

Oh, there's Yossa, telling us to hurry up. Let's go, Johnny. I'm sure we can talk about this later.

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What are these bits of stuff?!

Johnny, what have you done to your equipment, which was so carefully and thoughtfully assigned to by the glorious Computer?

<Benedict picks one of the chunks off of Derek's sudsy body.>

Wait! This is treasonous natural food! I saw a special last week on the illegal smuggling of little rock-shaped food items that come inside tiny boxes shaped like figure-8s and sometimes carry canes, top hats, and monocles! Johnny, why is your equipment contaminated with such treasonous material? I think Rosas deserves an answer!

<Benedict sighs heavily, grabs the two boxes that were assigned to us, and heads out after Yossa and the rest of the team.>

Come on, Rosas. This guy's more useless than a Violet toothbrush covered in Indigo toothpaste.

If I can sneak into Dexter's (lab?) stockroom while he is distracted, I will try to pilfer some equipment. Stealth (06):1d20=11.
If Dexter gives me any grief, I'll say ... Are there any smoke detectors in this storeroom? Not waiting for reply. I thought not! That's a treasonous disregard of the integrity of the Computer's property. I will rectify the situation immediately! While I'm planting a smoke detector, I pocket as much coolio gear as I can

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Here's your cannon back, Johnny. Seems like it's in perfect shape, now go administer some hygiene to some dirty commies!

"Benedict, not following a direct order is treasonous, are you a treasonous mutie communist??"[/b]

Just the middle one!

Johnny, are you saying that Yossa has on Blue and Orange clothes under his big jacket-thingy? No wonder he wears such a big jacket-thingy. It's not because he's trying to compensate for something, like you said. It's because he's a traitor! Imagine ... Blue AND Orange! Blast him! (but not with the detergent cannon, I'm still working on that.)

For some reason, that makes me think of a holo-vid about swamp-life.

Well, Ultraviolet Underwear! I'm not leaving without some real equipment.

Yossa, Rosas and I will catch up with you at our rendezvous point!

Rosas, I think Derek here had something to say to you. Can you maybe ask him to say it again, but in a private location?

Ideally, while Rosas is distracting Derek, I can dash into the equipment office and snag the equipment that the Computer wanted us to have.

O&BGM

<Benedict peeks in the box, in order to assign the equipment properly, as the Computer intended. He looks up at Johnny.>

Not yet ... soon. Soon.

HAH, like she'd take it, besides she's over with the PLC guy at the mo....

Rosas

"OOOOOO you like pills too mutie?"

No, not really. I just want to be the one in charge of them.

By the way, I've got something for you, Rosas. Here, hold this for a sec.

<Benedict absentmindedly hands the arm to Rosas so he can dig in his satchel. He pulls out a black, disc-shaped object.>

I heard you say it was hot in here, so here's a smoke-detec ... Great Teela's Teeth! That's a yellow-clearance object you're holding, traitor! Blast her, Johnny!

I don't know about you guys, but I can't stop laughing.

<Benedict is now fascinated by discussion of drugs and still oblivious to the yellow arm he is waving and everyone else's determination to turn him into a bloody smear.>

Hey! <Waves arm at Rosas.> I think I should be in charge of dispensing pills, too. They're equipment, right? Yossa? Helllllp, Yossssa. <Waves arm at Yossa. You're the Team Leader ... make them gimme the stuff!

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Ahem. I believe it is my responsibility to dole out that equipment!

Excuse me. I said, I'm supposed to pass out the stuff.

Guuuys.

<starts bouncing on his toes, trying to see around Johnny's torso and over his shoulders>

Come on, guys, lemme see. Really! Johnny, come on, I really should get to have that stuff!

<grabs robot arm, oblivious to its yellow color, and starts waving it around. continues whining.>

This is treeeeaaaason, guys. I'm telling the Computer!

{i]<Benedict pulls out his PDC and turns it on himself.>[/i]

Compuuuuuuuter, the other clones aren't playing nice! It's my game! I'm going home!

Indeed. Well, I sure don't want to risk treason in defying the High Programmer's direct orders, so we should get going to wherever it is that Yossa's leading us.

*whispers, conspiratorially*
Johnny:

I'll have this back to you just as soon as possible.

<Benedict stows the detergent cannon with his gear, gives Johnny a knowing look, followed by a glance at Yossa, and then hurries to follow his beloved Team Leader.>

Ahhhh. That feels nice. Now, Johnny, it's my turn. Please hand over your detergent cannon for inspection. As I was being hosed down, I felt like the pressure differential was all over the place. Might be a malfunction in the Primary Hydro-Synthesis Coupling or a clog in the Retro-Synthoid Emission Nozzle. I'll just have to take it apart to check it out. I'll have it back to you in no time. Thanks, and the Computer is your friend.

<With a warm grin, Benedict holds out his hands for detergent cannon.>

Johnny, you hate yourself? That's sad.

Fine! Fine! Hygiene-away!

<Slowly begins to strip.>

But *I'm* not the one aiming an unassigned laser rifle, Dexter, which was clearly expected to be returned to a lawful agent of the Computer. Isn't that right, buddy?

<Smacks glass to get rifle-return attendant's attention.>

I hope that detergent cannon has a "tickle" setting.

<Braces for a thorough cleansing.>

<Benedict starts sweating again.>

*Uuurrp* Oh, errr, that's just my yummy Cold Fun, heh heh! Yeah, just a little happy-time burp-gas from everyone's favorite beverage! Nothing to see here!

<Benedict then leans close to Johnny and whispers:>
Johnny:

<Benedict leans back and looks around nervously, wondering if he can make it to the door before the detergent cannon goes off.>

<Benedict cheerfully places his laser rifle on the counter and turns to Johnny.>

Who needs a gun when your hands are registered weapons? Johnny-R-OTN-1, you have no idea how much better I feel about being assigned to this group, now that I know that there's another mutant among us. I thought I'd be the only one. But now that I know your reflexes are lethal, which must be some kind of really amazing mutant power, by the way, I feel so much more at ease. Can you shoot lasers with your reflexes? or really sharp knives? or do your reflexes just make people's heads explode like *pop*?

I wonder how you managed to get your collar off, though. Mine itches something fierce. And you're so mellow ... that must be nice.

<Scratches neck and takes another sip of Cold Fun.>

<Benedict slides with Johnny, trying to stay behind him, and smiling weakly as he finishes his Cold Fun.>

<Benedict exhales noisily when it becomes clear that neither the Vulture Squad nor the High Programmer are here to blast him into little, mutated pieces.>

"Yes'sir, Yossa-R-IAN, sir! As the team's Equipment Guy, I am happy to coordinate the glorious Computer's glorious outfitting mission so as to efficiently and happily glorify the happiness of the glorious Computer's glory and equipment (now with more happy)! Lead on, Leader Yossa, and I will follow! Happily!"

<Benedict turns and gives Rossa's camera the biggest smile he can manage, slowly opens his single serving container of Cold Fun, and takes a big swig.>

*gulp* "Aaaaaahhhh! ... Did I mention that I think Yossa's coat-thingy is treason? ... Alright! Let's go!"

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